Work Text:
It became obvious very quickly that Sarah was terrified of people other than James. That first day in Steve’s D.C. apartment she refused to leave his side. She shadowed him, clutching his hand and refusing to make eye contact with Steve at all. For his part, James seemed very protective of the girl, but he was also gradually recovering memories and willing to talk through them with Steve. When Steve tried to talk to her she cringed into James’s side, hiding her face in his shoulder.
“It’s okay, Sarah,” he said. “He’s not one of them. He won’t hurt you.”
The girl looked up at James with an expression of such complete, naked trust that it took Steve’s breath away. Her eyes slid sideways to glance curiously at Steve, but she didn’t talk to him.
***
“Do you want me to call you ‘Bucky’ now?” Sarah was sitting cross legged on Steve’s bed that night. She was wearing one of Steve’s old t-shirts and a pair of gym shorts as pyjamas. She picked absently at the bed spread and watched him with rapt attention as if afraid he might disappear at any moment. “That’s what he keeps calling you.”
James (Bucky?) stood at the end of the bed. He wore a similar ensemble salvaged from the bottom of Steve’s bureau. Steve had insisted that Sarah and James sleep in his bedroom and he take the couch. James might have refused, but he could tell that the enclosed bedroom made Sarah feel more safe. He walked around to the opposite side of the bed and sat down.
“No…” he replied. “Not if you don’t want to.”
Sarah let out a breath, “Okay. Then I’ll stick with James.”
James nodded, “Steve remembers me as ‘Bucky,’ but I’m not sure I’ll ever be that person again. Not really.”
Sarah reached out a hand and cupped it over the curve of his metallic shoulder rubbing tiny circles through the fabric of his t-shirt. They sat in silence for a few minutes before Sarah pulled back the covers and burrowed underneath, resting her head on a pillow.
“I like this bed,” she said. “So nice compared to...the other one.”
James followed suit pulling the blanket over his legs and resting back against the pillows, but he remained seated upright. She shifted closer under the covers until she could rest her head against the side of his stomach and drape an arm around his waist. She seemed relaxed and content for the first time since they’d arrived at the apartment. James ran his fingers gently through her hair and stared blankly ahead. His mind was still racing with a thousand different contingencies. Would Hydra try to recover their asset? Or were they done with him now that they were exposed and on the run? Would the Avengers want to hold him accountable for his actions as the Winter Soldier? Would Sarah be safe if something happened to him?
Sarah’s voice cut through his worries, “Are we going to live here now?”
“I don’t think so, baby,” he responded, the pet name falling from his lips with ease. Everything about him was changing. But he didn’t feel as if he were transforming back to the man that Steve remembered--more like he was growing into something new. Someone new. He was no longer Hydra’s asset. But he wasn’t Bucky Barnes either.
***
The asset jolted awake with a sickening lurch, his head pounding with pain and his vision blurred. He was in an unfamiliar room on an unfamiliar bed and an unfamiliar adversary was restraining him. With inhuman speed he turned, knocking the person onto their back and straddling them with his powerful thighs. His metal hand gripped the neck and began to close.
He watched the frantic twitching of its limbs with dispassionate eyes. A noise roared in his ears and his head still ached. Distantly he heard a noise, a wheezing little cry but he couldn’t tell where it was coming from. His vision began to clear and he could make out the adversary’s features now. They looked… familiar.
James threw himself off the bed backing up into the wall, a look of horror on his features. Sarah was holding her neck with shaking hands and rapidly sucking in air. Tear stains marked her cheeks and she coughed raggedly. Finally, she sat up and stared at him with wide eyes. She watched him for long seconds before finally holding out her arms and begging him to come back.
“Come here, James, please! Come back to me. It’s okay, it’s okay.”
James slunk back to bed, collapsed across the mattress and buried his face in her lap. His shoulders shook with silent sobs and she brushed her hands through his hair shushing him and whispering soothing words.
“It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay. James, my James. You’re not theirs anymore; you’re my James. Shhh. Shhh.”
The shaking of his shoulders steadily decreased and his breath began to even out. He fell asleep like that, clinging to her like a child with his head resting in her lap and his arms around her waist, Sarah sat up against the pillows blue and yellow bruises blooming in a ring around her throat.
***
Steve’s eyes flashed with concern the next morning when he saw the collar of angry bruises around Sarah’s neck. He approached the pair, who were once again sitting at the kitchen table. Sarah pulled up the neck of her t-shirt self consciously and James lowered his head in shame. Steve paused for a moment searching for words before thinking better and turning to the kitchen counter to start a pot of coffee. Once it was ready he poured three cups and sat down with them at the table, setting out a jug of cream and a small container of sugar.
“So,” he started with false nonchalance. “Rough night?”
James’s face darkened and he sat in dour silence. Sarah glanced quickly between them clearing her throat.
“James had a nightmare,” she explained, reaching out a hand to brush over James’s knuckles.
“Bucky...er--James? Do I need to worry about this? Are you...you know… reverting?”
James sighed and finally spoke, “Hydra kept me on all kinds of drugs. I got injections every time I went out or came back from a mission. I don’t know what all them were...but since I’ve been out I’ve been feeling...shaky. Like I’m one person one moment and the next minute I’m someone else. It’s been a couple weeks since the last time they drugged me. I think my system is just working them out. It mostly happens at night now…”
He turned a mournful look on Sarah who shrugged it off as if being choked awake in the middle of the night were no big thing.
Well...she grew up with Hydra, maybe it wasn’t.
Steve let out a deep breath, “We’re in over our heads.”
***
The situation was almost too bizarre even for the usually cool and collected Sam Wilson. He sat in the arm chair in Steve’s living room looking like he was about to jump out of his skin. Across from him sat the Winter Soldier--the man who had tried to murder him a few days before--casually cuddling a tiny, traumatized looking woman who refused to meet his eyes. Steve was pretending to do the dishes in the kitchen.
“So,” Sam said with a deep intake of break. “James, is it?”
The soldier looked down at the woman, a soft fond look suddenly overtaking his features, “Yes.”
“What can you tell me about these episodes you’re having?” Sam’s voice was professionally detached but the muscles in his forearms twitched in readiness, belying his discomfort with the situation.
James turned back to face him, all emotion leaching out of his features. He seemed just as reluctant to participate. In fact, Sam was amazed he was willing to sit down with him at all at this point. He’d said as much when Steve called. James had been staying at his apartment with the girl for a week and in that time he’d had three nightmares that had startled him into traumatic flashbacks. Steve mentioned the soulbond and explained that James was willing to do this if it would keep Sarah safe from him.
After an eternity the man finally spoke, “I can’t remember the dreams. One minute I’m dead asleep the next minute I’m awake and I’m not… I’m the asset again.”
Sam nodded, “And what...or who is the asset?”
James’s arm tightened around Sarah as he responded, “Hydra’s weapon, codename Winter Soldier. When I’m the asset I don’t feel anything, I don’t think, I just calculate risks and complete my mission.”
“Do you have a mission, then? In these moments when you first wake up?”
He shook his head slowly, “Nothing specific. I know that I’m in danger and I have to minimize damage to the asset. Or I’ve located the target and I need to engage.”
Sam watched as Sarah shuddered at her soulmate’s words. He proceeded with caution, “And is Sarah your target?”
“Never,” he choked out. “No, never….but I get confused. I can’t see straight. My vision is blurry and there’s a ringing in my ears. And I...and I…”
He stopped talking, breathing heavily and clutching the girl against his side.
“The night before last he held a knife against my throat,” she said in a tiny voice.
Sam set up a plan for dealing with James’s PTSD. There was just one rule: no weapons. James bristled angrily against the notion but when Sarah had looked at him with her eyes wide in wordless supplication he relented. No weapons in the bedroom anyway. Sam taught Sarah some ways of grounding James when he was having a flashback. Using touch. Reminding him where they were, that they were safe. Repeating his name.
“It’ll be hard,” he said, standing up to leave. “But the fact that you’re willing to work on it is the best sign there is.”
Steve walked him out, the two friends speaking quietly as the walked the short distance to the front door. James and Sarah stayed where they were on the couch, comforted in their embrace.
***
The Avengers Tower was in Manhattan. Sarah knew about New York City from the geography lessons she’d had with Ms. Raymond, but they couldn’t have prepared her for the sheer scale. It was noisy and crowded; the skyscrapers overwhelmed the landscape. When they first arrived Sarah had clung to James, shaking like a leaf. Inside the Tower wasn’t much better. The lights were too bright, there were too many people and the open floor plan of the main lobby made her feel shaky. And if James’s tense muscles were any indicator he was equally uncomfortable.
But Steve said they were going to live there and James trusted Steve, so Sarah did too. They met Steve’s teammates. James fell back with a surly glare when meeting new people. Sarah continued to try to melt into his side during the introductions. Everyone was more interested in James anyway so it was easy to become invisible. Tony seemed to be in charge. He was quick and loud and overwhelming. But she was more frightened of Natasha and Clint who hung back from the group observing everything, including her, with narrowed calculating eyes. Bruce had a gentle, calm look about him that she liked but she still cringed when he tried to make eye contact with her. And there was Thor...whose shining affectionate warmth emanated from him like a halo.
Steve seemed at home with these people. Even as they discussed the topic of James’s past with Hydra and Sarah’s captivity there...he seemed content to be with his team again. Sarah wondered what that would feel like. She and James stood apart from the group, watching, listening, but not a part of them. As they stood there she realized that James was clinging to her just as tightly as she clung to him.
***
They had their own floor . A kitchen, a living room, two bedrooms, a bathroom. All for Sarah and James. It was overwhelming like everything else in this place. Their first day had been a maelstrom of introductions, meetings, and medical checks. When it was finally over Sarah and James sagged with relief as they got off the elevator onto their floor. They sleepwalked down the corridor to the bedrooms, picking one and collapsing into bed together fully clothed. Sarah curled up against James’s chest and tucked her head underneath his chin. He draped an arm around her and stroked his fingers up and down her back. She let out a contented sigh and shut her eyes, feeling the rhythm of his breaths.
The day had been long and terrifying. Sarah was starting to accept Steve into her little world but there were too many people now. She didn’t know how to act around them. She’d never had to introduce herself before or make conversation with anyone other than James and Ms. Raymond. She had spent most of the last fourteen years in a tiny cell waiting for the next time James would be thawed out of cryo. She shuddered a little at the memory of the long months of waiting and worrying. Though it was impossible to get any closer she burrowed into James a bit more.
He huffed a little laugh, “Shh. I’m not going anywhere, Sarah.”
A long pause. “You promise?”
“Yeah,” he said. “I promise.”
Sarah thought she could take just about anything the world or the Avengers or anyone else had to throw at her so long as James kept that promise.