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Stone cold, stone cold
The words hit him like a blast of frigid air. I've found someone.
You see me standing, but I'm dying on the floor
Watery blue eyes bore into broken brown ones, and Nix forces a smile to form on his lips. "That's great," he can hear himself saying, but oh god, that's not what he's thinking.
He doesn't even know what he's thinking. He feels like he's drowning, drowning in the memories shredded by three words.
Stone cold, stone cold
His knees are weak. He can't hear a word Dick is saying, too stuck on the way his face lights up at the mention of her, of how she makes him smile, makes him laugh, and all Nix can do is remember when it was him doing all of those things.
But Dick doesn't seem to notice. He mentions something about dinner, about meeting her, about moving back to Pennsylvania... about leaving him.
Maybe if I don't cry, I won't feel anymore
That night, when Dick has long since gone to bed and the only company left is a half-finished bottle of whiskey, Nix chokes down a sob.
Wiping at the tears drying on his cheeks, he exhales, running a hand through his hair roughly. Tonight, the alcohol is doing nothing to numb the pain, and the tears keep falling, seemingly out of his control.
The pillow he screams tortured words into doesn't help either; it only makes him feel more when he can vaguely smell Dick's shampoo on the pillowcase, remnants of all the nights they spent together during the war and in the days, months, and years following.
Stone cold, baby
The same forced smile appears on his face at dinner two nights from that fateful evening, and while Dick knows something's wrong, he's too enamored with his new love to press any farther.
The redhead says something mildly funny, and the pretty brunette laughs, glancing at Nix to see his reaction, but all she receives is a blank, distant gaze and a painted-on grin.
God knows I tried to feel happy for you
When Dick comes back after taking her home like the good gentleman he is, he asks Nix his opinion. Because for anyone with a best friend, approval of one's significant other is imperative.
Nix can hear the frantic, broken screams in the back of his head, yelling at him to tell Dick that he's looking in all the wrong places, that all he's ever needed is standing in front of him, that he doesn't approve of her because only he should be the one who gets to make his eyes sparkle.
But for some goddamn reason, his lips form the word "yes," a simple, suicidal sentence to death.
Know that I am, even if I can't understand
In the coming weeks, Nix tells himself that he is happy for Dick so often that he almost begins to believe it. It's selfish, he knows, but he can't understand why Dick left him for her. What could he not offer him?
He had thought everything was just fine.
I'll take the pain, just give me the truth
Finally, after too many sleepless nights of alcohol-induced fits of rage and sorrow, Nix confronts Dick. It's late at night, but the soft light from under Dick's door indicates that he's still awake, so Nix turns the handle slowly.
Dick turns to him from his seat at the large wooden desk, putting down his pen. Nix is sure he looks like a wreck — barely clothed, hair rumpled, tear-stained cheeks, a bottle of whiskey in his hand — but Dick doesn't seem fazed. He just invites him in.
And whether it's the whiskey or the burning hurt in his heart, Nix lays everything out in front of him, stumbling over the memories of them pressed up against each other in freezing foxholes, choking through the questions he never asked that one night when the nightmares subsided and Dick found his own bed in Nix's house, never to find comfort in the other man's arms again.
Dick knew this was coming. He knew that Lew would break, just as he did that night after the nightmares ended.
Me and my heart, we'll make it through
Nix knows that Dick wasn't using him. Nix knows that homosexuality is dangerous. Nix knows he's undeserving of so much that he's received.
Nix also knows that Dick is sorry, that he does still love him, and that he still makes Dick happy.
But this girl... this girl does too.
If happy is her, I'm happy for you