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Bambam sighed quietly as he read more comments. There were so many mean ones nowadays, as their fandom grew there were more mean and also even more nice comments. He liked to scroll through the comments of their performances and interviews on YouTube to see how well they did, he of course also read tweets and instagram comments as well.
Youngjae once said that when Bambam reads a mean comment, he thinks about it a lot, and that was true but Bambam didn't want to admit it. To be honest though, getting mean words out of your head was hard, mean comments made him sad and insecure.
He knew he had a lot of fans who love and support him and he's grateful for that, but sometimes it just feels like more people hate him than like him. He was apparently too ”extra”, too loud and talked too much. The other members teased him during interviews but he wasn't too upset about that, usually, but sometimes it made him a bit sad. Mark often said he wanted Bambam to shut up and it was kind of a joke, but it didn't feel like one when people just agree that ”Bambam should just shut the fuck up for once”, a quote from a comment he saw. He knew Jackson talked a lot too but he didn't see much bashing about him, Jackson was just adorable but Bambam was annoying.
Apart from Mark telling him to shut up, there was that ongoing joke about how Bambam always only admires himself in the mirror or looks at photos of his long legs. The members also liked to tease him about how he looked much different without make-up and it hurt the most probably, was he that ugly without make-up that they always had to laugh about it?
He himself was surprised when he suddenly felt tears in his eyes, the comments on the phone screen were blurry because of his tears. He blinked and let the tears fall on his cheeks, he sniffled quietly, not wanting to wake up Yugyeom on the bed next to his. The hate was really starting to get to him. It was getting harder and harder to ignore, to be honest. Maybe I should change? Be quiet and just stay in the back? It sounded like a good plan and he wanted to try. Maybe people wouldn't hate him so much, maybe his members wouldn't hate him. Bambam shook his head slightly, the other members didn't hate him… Right?
Bambam put his phone away and wiped the tears from his cheeks. He didn't want to think all this, he just wanted to sleep. But sleep didn't come that easily. Negative thoughts filled his head and he got this heavy feeling in his chest, it hurt and he felt like he couldn't breathe. It took him minutes of breathing in and out slowly until he finally was able to fall asleep.
-
It took a lot of self control to talk less. It was in his nature to talk a lot, he was extroverted and talkative, everyone knew he talked a lot, but that was part of the problem too. The first week was a bit difficult, he had to constantly think about being quiet because honestly, he wanted to talk. He always had something to say, but he knew he shouldn't. He only spoke when he was spoken to or when he was asked questions.
He became anxious before interviews and shows because he tried to remind himself not to talk, the heavy feeling in his chest returned at times like these and it scared him, he didn't like the feeling at all. He usually didn't have much time to think about it though.
Also in the past week Bambam had became really aware of every teasing word his members said to him or about him. He tried to think that the members didn't, in fact, hate him but it was just friendly joking. They were like a family, they all loved each other. But some days it felt like Bambam was just trying convince himself. His mind kept screaming that the others really hated him and just hid it behind the ”jokes”. Not wanting to alert the other members or look like an attention seeker, he kept a wide smile on his face all the time and laughed.
-
”Bambam?” someone said sharply and Bambam visibly flinched. Everyone's eyes were on him and he looked at Jinyoung, who had said his name, and then to the interviewer who was looking at him expectantly.
”What is your favorite song on the album?” Jaebum asked, the question he had probably been asked a moment ago which he had not heard because he had spaced out. Jaebum was looking at him with sharp eyes and Bambam could tell he was in trouble. It wasn't his first time spacing out during an interview that week, oh no, it happened a lot, but before this he had just been laughed at but now it seemed like Jaebum had had enough.
He quickly answered the question and smiled brightly, he was relieved when the attention turned to Youngjae. The familiar feeling in his chest was back.
He now knew it was anxiety and he didn't like it one bit. Anxiety used to be something he was not familiar with, a feeling he felt only momentarily and rarely. He had been a person who got no anxiety, but suddenly it was a daily thing for him. Of course he had felt anxious about comebacks and concerts, but that was different, that was excitement and nervousness more like, but this anxiety felt like he couldn't breathe, he was shaking and sweating. Sometimes, like now, his anxiety made appearance because he was in a situation he wanted to leave but couldn't. As days went by, his anxiety got more and more intense but so far, he had been able to hide all his problems from the members.
”Cut!” someone yelled and Bambam was ready to collapse. The interview was finally over, it was their last schedule for the day and now they could go back to the dorm, eat and sleep a few hours before another day with a packed schedule starts. They were almost immediately on their way home, they had quickly been escorted to the cars as they had nothing to do anymore. Bambam was anxiously waiting to get yelled at by Jaebum but his hyung was not saying anything. He knew it was coming though and his hands kept shaking. The whole car was quiet the whole way home, they were all tired and just listening to music and trying to relax after the exhausting day.
Bambam had barely made it in the dorm when Jaebum was yelling. Bambam flinched, he had been waiting for this, yes.
”What the hell was that, Bambam?!” Jaebum yelled and scared Youngjae too.
All the members froze as the leader stared at Bambam with angry eyes.
”W-what do you mean?” Bambam asked softly, he knew what Jaebum meant but didn't know what else to say. Jaebum glared at him.
”You spaced out! And it wasn't the first time, you've been doing it all week! What were you thinking?! You need to be focused!” Jaebum yelled angrily and took steps towards Bambam. Bambam was scared.
”Hyung,” Jinyoung said just then and stepped between the two. Jinyoung didn't even flinch as Jaebum's angry eyes were directed at him.
”What does it matter, hyung! It could've happened to any of us!” Jackson said, clearly couraged by Jinyoung stepping in.
”But of course it was Bambam,” Mark then muttered and rolled his eyes. Bambam wanted to cry.
”We can't let things like that happen! If it was just one time, it'd be okay but he does it all the time!” Jaebum continued. Jinyoung sighed and looked at the leader.
”Hyung, listen. He just spaced out, there's nothing bad about that, as if you haven't almost fallen asleep during an interview,” Jinyoung spoke.
”But he was out of it like ten seconds, that's a long time,” Mark added. And Jaebum nodded.
Bambam didn't know what to say.
”We're all tired, hungry and stressed. Let's just cool down,” Jinyoung said and Yugyeom agreed with him as the others stayed quiet. Bambam just wanted this to be over, he was shaking and breathing heavily but Jaebum didn't look like he was done just yet.
”What the fuck even is wrong with you nowadays?! You never talk anymore and you space out all the time, does it bore you to be in the group? Do you want to leave? Just get the fuck out if it doesn't interest you anymore!” Jaebum exploded.
Jackson and Youngjae looked horrified and Jinyoung stared at the leader in disbelief too. Bambam couldn't be here anymore, he felt like he was suffocating.
”Yeah, just fucking leave, it's all good,” Jaebum said as Bambam stumbled out of the living room and to his and Yugyeom's room. He was close to tears as he locked the door of their bathroom and slid on the floor. What the hell just happened?!
After a while he heard someone walk in the room, probably Yugyeom.
”Bam?” Definitely Yugyeom.
”Leave me alone,” Bambam said and his voice cracked. Yugyeom didn't speak again and somehow it made Bambam feel even worse. But he asked for it himself, didn't he?
Bambam sobbed in his hands as quietly as possible. He felt overwhelmed, anxious and sad. He wasn't good anymore even if he didn't speak? Couldn't he do anything right anymore? If he talked, he was annoying and everyone hated him, if he didn't talk they thought he didn't want to be in the group anymore, and hated him too. He sniffled and tried to wipe the tears away, but they kept coming.
Some time later there was a knock on the bathroom door. ”Bam? The food is here,” Yugyeom spoke softly, as if he was scared to speak to Bambam.
”I'm not hungry, I'm gonna take a shower and go to sleep,” Bambam replied and pulled himself up. Yugyeom let out a small ”okay” before leaving. Biting his lip Bambam stripped out of his clothes and got in the shower. He took his time, trying to relax under the hot water. It helped him relax, but didn't really make him feel any better.
When he finally got out of the bathroom he made sure that no one was in the bedroom and went to put on his pajamas. He was exhausted, mentally and physically and he didn't even want to think of going to the kitchen to face the others so he turned off the light and climbed in his bed.
Yugyeom helplessly looked at his best friend who stormed out of the room. They were all shocked at what Jaebum had said, he had a bad temper which all of them knew though.
”Hyung, what the hell!?” Jinyoung asked angrily. Jaebum himself looked a bit shocked too. Jackson and Youngjae were frozen and Mark just looked guilty, probably because of his side comments, Yugyeom thought. He didn't know what to do, he wanted to go and comfort Bambam but didn't know if the other wanted that.
”Shit,” Jaebum finally mumbled. Jinyoung started to lecture them angrily but calmly, his words mostly directed at Jaebum and Mark. Yugyeom slipped out of the room to go after Bambam. He walked in their room and when he didn't see Bambam anywhere he went straight to their bathroom door, ”Bam?” The Thai boy answered, his voice quivering and cracking, ”Leave me alone.” Yugyeom did. He bit his lip as he walked back to the living room where things had calmed down a little.
”He's crying, in the bathroom,” Yugyeom said as they turned to look at him. Jinyoung sent a sharp look to Jaebum who rubbed his face. Yugyeom told them to leave the boy alone, as Bambam had asked him to do too. Bambam just needed some time to calm down.
They had ordered takeout and when it arrived Yugyeom went to get Bambam. The other boy didn't want to come and he sounded even worse than before. It broke Yugyeom's heart, Bambam usually wasn't like this, he wasn't so sad he cried so it also confused Yugyeom. Jaebum had yelled at them before but never had Bambam reacted like this before. This time Jaebum's words had been really harsh and really uncalled for but still Yugyeom didn't expect Bambam to react like this.
”He's not coming. He's still crying, hyung! He sounds even worse than before. You should fix this,” Yugyeom said when he walked in the kitchen to join the hyungs. He didn't dare to look at Jaebum, he just wanted the leader to fix everything.
”I'll talk to him after this,” Jaebum said and gestured to the food. They ate quietly, no one really was in the mood to talk. Yugyeom quickly finished the food and went to their room to get ready for bed.
The room was dark when he walked in the he turned on the lamp on his nightstand. Bambam was just a small lump on his bed, he was under the blanket facing the wall.
”Bam?” Yugyeom asked quietly and the lump just hummed. ”Just checking if you were awake,” Yugyeom continued and Bambam hummed again. He quickly took a shower and changed to his pajamas before exiting the room to see where Jaebum was. The leader was already coming towards their room and Yugyeom looked at him and nodded.
”He's awake.”
Bambam felt the bed dip as someone sat on it. He wasn't in the mood to talk so he didn't lift his head or say anything, he just kept his eyes closed and gripped his blanket pretending that he was sleeping.
”I know you're awake, Bam.” It was Jaebum and Bambam almost flinched, the leader sounded strangely gentle.
”What do you want?” Bambam whispered.
”I came to apologize. What I said was wrong, I could say it was because I was hungry, tired and stressed but those are just excuses. But really, I didn't mean what I said, especially about you… leaving. I would never want you to leave,” Jaebum spoke and Bambam tried to swallow the lump in his throat.
”You've just been acting weird for a while, I'm worried, okay. Is everything alright?” Jaebum asked and Bambam finally turned to look at him. Jaebum was sitting in his pajamas, a t-shirt and pajama pants, on the edge of Bambam's bed, frowning.
”Yeah, it's just stress and… I miss home. And I don't have to be talking all the time, do I?” Bambam said and flashed the brightest fake smile he could. Jaebum seemed to relax a bit at that.
”Good, just know that if something is wrong, come talk to any of us,” Jaebum said before standing up. He ruffled Bambam's hair, ”Good night,” the leader said and exited the room.
Bambam sighed and hid his face in his pillow. Jaebum's apology actually made him feel better, like they actually cared about him. He constantly thought that the other member's actually found him really annoying and he didn't know when he stopped trying to convince himself that they didn't.
-
The week after that was actually a good one. The members had probably gotten used to Bambam's new more quiet behavior and no one said anything about it anymore. Bambam felt good most of the time, he enjoyed his time with the members and the schedule too.
But there was a thing. Anxiety. It seemed like he couldn't get rid of it anymore, no matter how happy or good he was feeling he found his hands shaking and heart beating like something was wrong. He found himself not wanting to talk and it wasn't hard to keep quiet anymore. It just made his anxiety flare up if he thought about saying something. And after speaking he always felt his face heat up and he couldn't help but think if his answer had been good enough.
Often after the schedules he thought back to the day and anxiously thought if he had done his best during the day. What if he had given a bad image of himself to the interviewer? What if he had been rude to the staff and now they were talking bad about him? What ifs kept filling his head and he actively tried to search something to do so he didn't have to think. Thinking made him anxious nowadays and he hated it.
He had his first panic attack after the good week. It was before a variety show filming as the were getting ready in the dressing room. He trying to nap on the couch before it was his turn to get ready but he was feeling really anxious about the show so he couldn't fall asleep. Variety always required more than just a normal interview. And Bambam was scared, probably for the first time in his life. He hadn't felt this anxious even before their first variety show ever.
His hands had started to shake violently as he thought about going to the filming. They were probably gonna be made fun of, it always happened on variety shows and it didn't mean anything. It was the purpose of the show. But deep down Bambam couldn't help but feel that they'd mean whatever they were going to say about him, that it wouldn't be just a joke. And what if they made jokes that Bambam wasn't prepared for, jokes he didn't know what to answer. It'd be awkward, he'd turn red because of embarrassment. He wasn't ready for all that, it was too much pressure.
His heart was beating so fast he could feel it in his chest, it felt like it was gonna jump out or something. It felt like he was dying. The sudden fear hit him so hard, he was dying, he couldn't breathe anymore. Cold sweat ran down his back and he had started shaking. His lungs weren't working as he was trying to suck in a breath and he just choked on it. He quickly looked around and sneaked out of the room when no one was looking.
Tears in his eyes Bambam found the nearest toilet and locked himself in it. He slid on the floor and gasped for air, his hands shaking and heart beating wildly he really felt like he was dying. Being unable to breathe was the worst and tears were suddenly falling down his cheeks. He sat on the floor hand on his chest, cheeks wet, trying to breath and not knowing what to do. He had never felt anything like this and it freaked him out, badly.
What do I do? Help. Someone help.
Bambam wanted help but at the same time he didn't. He didn't want anyone to see him like this, he didn't want the members to see him like this. They'd probably make fun of him the rest of the week.
Sniffling and gasping he laid on his side to see if the different position would help. It didn't. He couldn't even control his crying anymore so anyone outside the door would probably hear him. He just wished no one paid enough attention.
He closed his eyes and tried to imagine that he was in the dorm, in his own bed under the comfort of his own blanket. He tried to forget where he was and what was happening. Because he didn't know what else to do to make it stop. He just wanted to go home. It made him cry harder though and the shaking didn't stop, the gasping didn't stop. He covered his face with his hands and tried to take a deep breath, he ended up choking on it.
It felt like forever until Bambam finally gained control of his breathing. He was still shaking and his heart was beating fast but it was nothing compared to what he felt before. Quiet tears were still rolling down his cheeks and he wiped them away. He sat up feeling overwhelmed, it didn't feel like what just happened was real. And really, he had no idea what the hell just happened.
Suddenly there was a knock on the door, ”Bambam?” Jackson's voice was heard through the door.
”Yeah?” Bambam answered and tried to sound as normal as possible, his voice shaking just a little bit.
”It's your turn to get your hair and make-up done, the stylists have been waiting,” Jackson said and Bambam bit his lip, ”I'm coming!” he answered and heard Jackson leave.
He stood up with his shaky legs and looked in the mirror, he looked like trash. His eyes were red, so was his face and his cheeks were wet. He tried to get rid of all the redness by washing his face with the cold water before he left the toilet.
He didn't look up as he walked in the dressing room but went straight to the chair to get his hair and make-up. The make-up noona shot one look at him and frowned, ”Have you been crying?” she asked and Bambam shook his head quickly. Bambam was glad she didn't ask more, he was sure she could easily see he had been crying.
When they got home that night Bambam was exhausted. He felt like the day would never end, he was still shaky because of what happened in the toilet at the filming and he couldn't shake the weird feeling off.
He quietly ate with the others before getting ready for bed, he tried to act as normal as possible and no one seemed to notice something was off. After eating he took a shower and went to bed. He wasn't sleeping though, he was searching on his phone to see if there was some explanation to what had happened. And he did find an explanation. A panic attack. All the symptoms matched perfectly and reading all the information scared Bambam. How had that happened to him?
His first panic attack, unfortunately, wasn't the last. It happened again only a few days after the first one, they were filming for another show and the whole situation made him think back to his first panic attack and somehow that ended up triggering a new one, which he suffered alone in the toilet again.
The panic attacks made him hate all the filmings they had after that. Didn't matter if it was variety, music show, an interview or anything else, Bambam couldn't help but be scared of another attack. He always grew very anxious before the schedule and wished he could just stay home, but it wasn't possible.
All this started from the stupid hate comments he read. Now he couldn't go back, no matter how much he wanted.
-
Sometimes Bambam felt anxious without even knowing why. He woke up with his chest feeling tight and he couldn't figure out why the anxiety was there, it just was. Today was one of those days.
Bambam had been feeling bad the whole morning, he hadn't slept well the night before, only getting about two hours of sleep before they were woken up at 4am because they had to leave for the airport soon. He was tired and anxious. He wore simple clothes, black skinny jeans and a large hoodie with a turtleneck underneath. He also put on a cap and a mask, they covered his face almost completely.
It was early in the morning but he was sure there'd be fans at the airport and it was making him fidgety. Don't get him wrong, he loved the fans but sometimes it just became too much.
Bambam pretended to be sleepy, which he honestly was but he didn't even try to hide it, so he could get Yugyeom to hold him when they walked through the airport. And Yugyeom did as Bambam wanted as he whined a little bit, and it looked like Yugyeom was a bit sleepy too so he didn't really protest as Bambam glued himself to Yugyeom's side.
Bambam had to let go after a while though as Jinyoung looked at him with a frown, Bambam didn't want the elder to ask any questions, he was already anxious enough.
He was shaking quite badly already when the plane took off. He and Yugyeom were sitting next to each other, Bambam on the window seat. He kept looking outside and tried to think about happy things, like how he was going to be in his home country in a few hours. It didn't help though. He realized that he'd be stuck in the plane the next five hours. Stuck in the plane with nowhere to go, no way to get off the plane, he had to sit on the same seat and wait. He couldn't do anything.
Oh no, no, no. Bambam panicked. His hands were shaking a lot, breathing was hard and he had to remove his mask because he felt like it was preventing him from breathing properly. As his heart sped up he felt the tears in his eyes and he felt too hot. Not now, please. For the first time ever, he didn't have a place to escape to have his panic attack. Ironically, it was the reason for his panic attack. There was nowhere to go.
”Bambam?!” Yugyeom suddenly spoke, sounding panicked as well. Bambam choked on his breath.
”Are you okay? What's happening?!” Yugyeom pushed Bambam's cap off and Bambam felt exposed. Tears were threatening to pour on his cheeks. Mark and Youngjae, who were sitting in front of Yugyeom and Bambam, turned to look behind so they could see what was happening.
”I can't breathe.. I'm.. I-,” Bambam didn't know what to say. The others seeing him like this made him panic even more.
”Hyung!” Yugyeom said desperately to the older members as Bambam next to him kept making weird choking noises. ”Help him!” Yugyeom said to Jaebum who was sitting on the other side of the aisle, Jinyoung and Jackson were next to him. The leader shot up and kneeled on the aisle so he was closer to Bambam and tried to reach for him over Yugyeom's lap. Jinyoung did the same and Jackson moved to Jaebum's seat to be closer as well.
”What is happening?” Jaebum asked and looked at Jinyoung. The other passengers were looking at them, trying to see what was going on. A flight attendant was already coming towards them.
”Move!” Jinyoung said to Yugyeom so he could sit on Yugyeom's seat and be right next to the hyperventilating boy. ”It's a panic attack,” Jinyoung continued. Jaebum turned to look at the flight attendant who was asking what was happening, he just assured that they could handle it on their own, the flight attendant nodded but looked a bit unconvinced.
”If we can do anything to help, just ask.” Another flight attendant rushed to them as well and the two of them started telling the other passengers to stay on their seats, people were trying to get closer out of curiosity.
Jaebum spoke to their own staff, Got7's staff, asked them to give Bambam some space. Jinyoung was already only focused on him and he got this under control.
”Bam. Listen to me,” Jinyoung said and took the younger's shaking hand in his own and pressed it against his chest so Bambam could feel his steady heartbeat.
”I'm s-sorry, I'm sorry,” Bambam whispered between his crying, he squeezed Jinyoung's other hand and tried to look at his hyung, but his vision was too blurry.
”Listen, Bambam, you have no reason to be sorry. I'll help you breathe, just… Just listen to my breathing. Everything's alright,” Jinyoung spoke calmly. Mark and Youngjae were looking at them quietly with distressed frowns on their faces whereas Jackson and Yugyeom looked panicked as they were sitting on Jaebum's seat holding each other.
After a while, what felt like forever to Bambam though, the worst was over, he was sitting and quietly sniffling against Jinyoung's shoulder, the older's arm was behind Bambam's head and he was patting his hair. Bambam felt exhausted, the attack had drained the little energy he had had. ”Just sleep Bam, it's okay,” Jinyoung said gently when his eyes slipped close for the umpteenth time. Bambam sniffled once more before letting himself fall asleep, at least like this the journey would go quickly.
”What was that?!” Jackson asked when they all were sure Bambam was fully asleep.
”He had a panic attack… Why?” Jaebum said in disbelief. Jinyoung shook his head.
”I've never seen that happen before, do you think it was his first time?” Mark said. They kept quiet, they didn't know for sure.
”I doubt it's the first time,” Youngjae said suddenly and they all looked at him. ”Why?” Jaebum asked.
”I've seen him… Do the shaking in dressing rooms in the past weeks, and then he just storms out and later comes back with red eyes and looking disoriented,” Youngjae explained.
”Now that you say it, I've seen the same, I just didn't really pay attention,” Yugyeom admitted and looked down on his hands.
”Something's been going on with him for a while, he hasn't been himself in weeks,” Jackson said and Jaebum nodded.
Their day was full of schedules in Thailand so there was no time to ask questions. Bambam was just happy to avoid the inevitable. He tried to prepare himself for it, tried to think of what he could say to make the members believe nothing was wrong.
At night they were all hanging out in Jaebum and Youngjae's room and Bambam knew it was coming. When Bambam walked in, wearing only his pajamas and hair still wet from the shower, Jackson pulled Bambam to sit on his lap. The atmosphere in the room was expectant and Bambam bit his lip. No one said anything until Jaebum looked at Jinyoung and he sighed.
”Bambam, about what happened in the plane,” Jinyoung started and Bambam tensed.
”It was probably because I didn't sleep well last night,” Bambam lied, he had come to the conclusion that it would be believable. Jinyoung frowned.
”Yeah okay, but was it your first time? Having a panic attack?” Jinyoung continued. Bambam hadn't prepared for this question, it was an obvious question why the hell hadn't he thought about it. The silence was enough an answer for them all. Bambam bit his lip.
”Okay,” Jinyoung said after a short silence. ”What has been going on, Bambam? You haven't been yourself in weeks.” They all looked at Bambam and the Thai boy looked down and played with his fingers. Jackson was rubbing his arms to calm him down, it did help a bit.
Bambam sighed, ”I think it's just stress, but I'm all good. Nothing's wrong really,” he spoke and tried to smile at the others. They definitely did not look convinced.
”Bambam, we just want to help you. You've been quiet and distant, please tell us what's wrong,” Jackson pleaded and Bambam's bottom lip trembled. Even thinking about telling the others how he had been feeling made him want to throw up. He didn't want to tell, they wouldn't care. He was just pathetic. ”Please,” Jackson mumbled against Bambam's back.
”Bambam, we want to know. You know what we do, we won't leave this room until we know what's wrong and what we can do. We care about you, we want to help,” Jaebum spoke and at the words ”we care about you” Bambam couldn't hold the tears anymore, they silently rolled on his cheeks.
”It's stupid...” Bambam started and looked up. Youngjae, who was sitting next to Bambam and Jackson, took his hand and held it tightly. They all waited for Bambam to continue.
”I just… I just read some stupid comments while back, like I've always known about them but something just… snapped? Like everyone just thinks I'm annoying because I talk all the time and I'm too loud and I just wanted to… change,” Bambam explained his voice quivering and tears still falling down his cheeks. Jackson was holding him tightly and Youngjae was holding his hand, it gave him some comfort.
”B-but I f-feel like you guys h-hate me as well. I-I mean Mark hyung always says he wants me to shut up and Jinyoung hyung glares at me a lot and Jaebum hyung shouts, I'm so sorry, I don't wanna blame you all for this, I'm sorry, I won't be angry if you all hate me,” Bambam said quietly and a broken sob escaped his mouth. Yugyeom and Mark already were about to speak but Jaebum motioned them not to. Bambam needed to finish speaking or they wouldn't be able to hear it all.
”A-and then I just started to feel this really tight feeling in my chest, like anxiety. I was anxious a lot and t-then the p-panic a-attacks started. And now I'm j-just anxious all the t-time and have p-panic attacks and I-I don't know what to do, it doesn't s-stop and I don't want to be like this but I can't go back to what I was before,” Bambam explained, he was barely able to speak because he was starting to cry harder and his voice was trembling badly.
There was a silence while everyone took in Bambam's words. Then Mark moved to sit on the other side of Jackson and Bambam.
”I'm so sorry Bambam, I don't really want you to shut up, it's a joke but I won't be saying it anymore,” the oldest one said while looking guilty. He pulled Bambam into a hug and the Thai boy sobbed against Mark's shoulder. Bambam was just a crying mess as Jinyoung and Jaebum and after that the other members too kept explaining their actions and apologizing. They never meant for Bambam to feel like this and they definitely didn't blame Bambam for feeling what he did.
”Do you think, uh,” Jinyoung started when Bambam had calmed down a little, he was now sitting sideways on Mark's lap and his legs were on Yugyeom's lap.
”Do you think you need help? Like… Professional help?” Jinyoung didn't really know how to approach the subject. He didn't know if Bambam wanted to see a therapist or if he was against it. Bambam shook his head rapidly.
”It's okay, I don't want… anyone else to know,” Bambam said. If he was to go to a therapist, his problems should be told to many more people in their company. He didn't want that, the thought itself made him anxious. Jinyoung nodded with a frown.
Not wanting to stress Bambam more, they dropped the subject and Jackson turned the TV on. They were trying to find something to watch but it was quite late already and they were all tired so it didn't take long until Yugeom fell asleep, sitting against the wall. Bambam fell asleep in Mark's arms only minutes later.
”Let's keep an eye on him. When we see how things are, I'd say we recommend professional help for him again,” Jinyoung said when both maknaes were out, quietly snoring. They all agreed. They wanted Bambam to be okay and if therapy or anything else was the best for him, they'd recommend it again but they wouldn't force him into anything he didn't want. They did understand that Bambam needed to want help himself for it to help.
-
After telling the members what he had been feeling and what had been happening the past weeks, Bambam felt good, relieved. His anxiety didn't stop though and he kept having panic attacks. Only this time, there was always someone by his side when it happened. And it made it easier, he felt much better when someone was holding him and helping him breathe through an attack. When it happened the first time, at home this time, it was Jinyoung and Youngjae who were there. For some reason the others were out at that time but Jinyoung and Youngjae were just right.
They let him be for three weeks, until Jinyoung asked to talk to him again.
”Bambam,” Jinyoung started when he sat Bambam on their kitchen chair.
”I've seen you struggling a lot, and I really hope I had noticed way earlier.” Jinyoung rubbed his face, ”Honestly Bam, I think it would be the best for you to see a professional, it would make your life easier, therapy or even medication could help,” Jinyoung said and looked at Bambam in the eye. The younger boy looked a little uncomfortable and bit his lip.
”I've thought about it too… I mean, I don't really like any of those things but I don't want to feel like this, I want to… I want to be like before, or at least more like that,” Bambam spoke quietly. He had been thinking lately that maybe it wouldn't be that bad to get actual help, sure it had helped to tell his friends and have them help him but he knew he should at least try to see if professional help could help him deal with his anxiety.
He and Jinyoung talked for some time and Bambam agreed to seek professional help, it felt scary but he was hopeful it would help. First they told their managers and then it went further in the company. Bambam didn't really like that, but it was needed. All the members were there to hold his hand, supporting him through the whole process of telling everyone. And he even took Yugyeom and Jackson with him to his first meeting with his doctor.
Jaebum and Jinyoung looked up from the couch when the door opened. Only seconds later Bambam stormed past the living room to his and Yugyeom's room. The two looked at each other before getting up. Jackson and Yugyeom appeared in the living room as well, having come with Bambam.
”What happened? Did the meeting not go well or?” Jaebum asked. Yugyeom frowned and Jackson spoke, ”It went really well actually, but I think he's a bit overwhelmed right now. He got medication, which he himself agreed to, of course, and he scheduled some sessions with a therapist."
Jaebum nodded and all four of them headed to the bedroom to see how Bambam was and to comfort and support him. Youngjae and Mark had heard him come in and were already in the bedroom with Bambam.
”It's gonna be okay, Bam, you're already making good progress,” Mark said, he was sitting on Yugyeom's bed and Youngjae was cuddling against Bambam who was on his stomach on his own bed, hiding his face in his pillow.
”I just feel so weird and overwhelmed, I feel like nothing can help but at the same time I hope it will help,” Bambam mumbled to the pillow and Youngjae hugged him tightly. ”I'm so sorry I'm like this,” Bambam whispered. Jaebum kneeled next to the bed and ran his fingers through Bambam's hair.
”Bambam, it's okay. There's no reason to apologize,” Jaebum said.
”What if this affects our future comebacks? What if the public finds out that I'm messed up? What will happen to the whole group?” Bambam said his voice shaking.
”That doesn't matter, Bam. What's important is you and your health. We're here for you and we care about you. You're not messed up and no one will find out, this isn't something that could leak to the public. And I'm sure this doesn't affect the group, we'll continue being what we were before, a group that cares about each other and loves each other,” Jaebum said and there was a silence.
Bambam lifted his head and looked at all the members around him. Youngjae was still holding him tightly, Jaebum was right next to him, Mark, Jackson and Yugyeom were sitting on Yugyeom's bed and Jinyoung was standing next to Bambam's bed. They all were looking at him with such care that it made Bambam tear up. They really cared about him.
”Thank you… I love you all,” Bambam said and smiled. Jackson cried out and before anyone could react he was on top of Bambam, Yugyeom followed him and soon the four of them were just a huge pile on the bed, laughing loudly. Jaebum rolled his eyes before joining the pile and so did Mark and Jinyoung right after him.
Some days Bambam's anxiety made him doubt if the members truly cared about him, but more often that not, deep down he knew that they cared about him. They had proven it in so many ways, especially when they helped him through hard times. They had stopped joking so much, the jokes had really hurt, but they also weren't too careful with him, they did joke but it was more light and he appreciated it. He really appreciated his friends. They were his family and with them by his side, he could get better and learn to live with his anxiety and panic attacks.