Work Text:
"It's no' what ye'd call a vacation spot," said Jamie cheerfully, peering out of the TARDIS doors. "But I 'd call it a breath o' fresh air. Reminds me o' bonny Scotland."
Zoe peeked out from behind him. The landscape appeared much as it had on the viewscreen: craggy, forbidding, but with a wild beauty. The chill air had a tang in it; the grey-blue sky was pale and clear. There even seemed to be a sort of castle in the distance.
The Doctor pushed past them both to stand outside. He drew in a deep breath and smiled with satisfaction. "Bracing, I call it." He turned to Jamie, gently mimicking his accent. "What would you say to a stroll across yon moor?"
Jamie grinned and started out immediately. Zoe grabbed a sweater and followed. Their steps took them naturally in the direction of the castle. "Did ye choose this place for some special reason, Doctor?" the young Scotsman asked the Doctor.
"Er, well. . . " the Doctor stammered.
Zoe interrupted mischievously. "Don't give the Doctor—or the TARDIS!—too much credit for efficiency! I'm sure this was a happy accident!"
"Now, now, Zoe," the Doctor fussed, "Don't go saying unkind things about the TARDIS." Jamie and Zoe exchanged knowing looks, and smiled.
As they drew closer, the "castle" looked more and more odd. It was virtually a clump of roughly-assembled stones, crude but solid. "Not very attractive," observed Zoe.
"No, but easy to defend," said Jamie. "See how it sits on a little hill, so they can see anyone coming, and how few the windows are, too small and high for an enemy to get through."
"Very good, my boy," beamed the Doctor.
Zoe turned to him nervously. "Doctor, are you sure this is a friendly planet?" she asked as they climbed the rocky incline and approached the lumpy fortress. "Perhaps it wouldn't be wise to investigate."
"Don't worry, my dear," was the jovial response. "There are no unfriendly planets, only friendly ones we haven't landed on yet." The Doctor was in high spirits, but Jamie noticed his backward glance at the TARDIS some way behind them. The fortress was the only landmark in sight, and Jamie didn't think it looked very hospitable. Still, the Doctor knew best—maybe.
******
They entered through what appeared to be the main door. There was no one in sight, and they found themselves in a deserted entrance hallway. Fat candles flickering in sconces dotted along the walls gave a little light. The interior walls, like the exterior, were of rough-hewn stones, irregularly shaped and placed.
"Do you suppose there's anybody here?" Zoe whispered.
"Perhaps they're all at a party!" the Doctor said cheerfully. "I say," he called, "is anyone about?"
A door opened and a figure appeared from a lighted doorway. "Indeed, my good fellow. And we'd love to have you for our feast."
"Why, how very kind of you," said the Doctor, approaching the figure. "I'm the Doctor, and this here is Jamie and Zoe. I don't know if your menu is set or not, but in case you want to know I'm terribly partial to asparagus."
"I fear that you misunderstand me," said the figure. Now that they were closer, Jamie could see that he was not quite human; his features were heavy-set and distorted, his powerful body half-crouching. As the figure turned and gestured for them to follow him through the doorway he walked with an awkward, almost ape-like gait, that seemed terribly familiar.
They followed him into a small room with two doorways—he one by which they had just come, and much larger, elaborate double doors at the other end. Through the double doors they saw a huge, well-lit room bustling with servants setting tables and well-dressed people taking their places. Their host was flanked by a number of servants.
"I am Banedego, leader of the Androgums and caterer of the Great Feast. Your appearance is most fortuitous. I will be proud to present you at table—on a silver platter, I should think."
"It looks like we've run into some old friends of Shockeye," said the Doctor quietly to Jamie.
"You? What do you know about Shockeye?" Banedego demanded.
The Doctor bounced on his toes. "Well, er. . . I killed him, don't you know. Or rather, I will kill him, but of course that's all quite a long time from now."
"That makes no sense," Banedego growled. "He's dead now. You can't kill him again."
The Doctor assumed a didactic manner, hooking his thumbs through his lapels and waggling his fingers as he spoke. "Well, you see, my dear chap, it's all got to do with the First Law of Time. Now, in order to circumvent the Blinovitch Limitation Effect, you've got to—"
"He's babbling!" said Banedego. "Guards, take the jill and this crazy old fool to the cells. She'll be nice and tender with a little fattening, and I suppose he'll make a good enough stew. Leave the jack. He'll do splendidly for our feast!" He gestured through the great double doors. The Doctor and Zoe were led away, and Jamie was grasped by two men, one at each arm.
"Let go!" squealed Zoe. "Help! Jamieeeeee!"
Jamie struggled with his captors, but could only watch helplessly as the Doctor and Zoe disappeared through the door by which they had come into the room.
"And now for you, my fine Tellurian!" Banedego hissed with a hungry smile.
******
Zoe and the Doctor were led back through the entranceway and through another set of doors, down a long, dark stairway. Zoe tried to count the twists and turns and remember how far they had come, but the stairs were irregular and she kept tripping and losing her count. Once she nearly tumbled and a guard caught her roughly by the shoulder. The other guard immediately hissed, "Careful, Koshosh! Don't bruise it!"
"Thanks for your concern," Zoe said sarcastically.
"Oh, it's not for your sake, my dear, but for ours." He addressed Koshosh. "You know how particular Banedego can be!"
"Yeah," Koshosh chuckled, "he prefers braised shoulder to bruised!"
The Doctor took her arm. "There, there, Zoe, we'll be all right. Don't let them get to you." He put his mouth to her ear and whispered very loudly, "I've got a plan!"
Zoe giggled as the guards tried to look as if they weren't listening. "What is it, Doctor?" she stage-whispered back.
The Doctor grinned impishly. "I don't know," he said. "But it's very clever!" He winked and released her arm. Zoe managed a smile as they reached the end of the stairs and entered the dungeon.
******
Jamie was led into the great dining hall by two white-robed servants. He had barely time to glance around when he was shoved to the nearest and fanciest table, where a group of gaudily-dressed Androgums were arguing over a sheaf of papers. Jamie caught a glimpse of labeled sketches being passed back and forth.
"I don't know what it is, but I'm going to try it!"
"No you won't! Hands off, Shardach!"
"Chessene's estate is mine, Mashech!"
"No, Chessene's estate belongs to me. You know that I am her closest relative."
"But her will leaves her property to Shockeye, and I am Shockeye's heir."
"I wouldn't be so certain. Have you consulted the Book of Bloodlines?"
Banedego interrupted. "Gentlemen, gentlemen," the Androgum leader said, "Stop your quarreling—greater matters are at hand." The Androgums stopped and looked at him expectantly. "I bring you tonight's piece de resistance—a fine Tellurian in his prime!" There was scattered applause. "Look at that firm, healthy torso, that—turn around, lad—that lean, trim haunch, the succulent meat of the—"
"Hey!" said Jamie.
Banedego ignored him and poked his prize in the rump. "Charcutier, do you concur?"
An Androgum in a white, blood-stained tunic came forward, casually dangling a meat cleaver between his fingers. "Oh, aye, indeed. A superb piece of Tellurian meat. Shall I take it to the kitchen and tenderize it, or shall I slaughter it here?"
Banedego licked his lips. "Here, by all means. Then you can take it back and fix it as you please." He pushed Jamie down into a kneeling position and the charcutier raised his knife.
Jamie jumped up. "Wait a minute!" he exclaimed. "You can't eat me!"
Everyone stopped and stared at him. Protests from prospective dinners were rare. Jamie realized that he had their full attention, and no idea what to say next.
The charcutier laid down his knife. "And why not?"
Jamie had a sudden inspiration. "Because I'm already spoken for. Yes, that's right. I belong to Shockeye o' the Quawncing Grig."
There was a collective gasp. Shockeye was legendary among his people; no-one would dare tamper with his property.
Banedego broke the silence. "Shockeye is dead. The Tellurian shall go to his heirs with the rest of the estate."
A young Androgum stood. "I, Shardach o' the Quawncing Grig, nephew of Shockeye, claim the Tellurian as my rightful inheritance."
Another rose, glowering. "I, Mashech o' the Franzine Grig, blood-cousin of Shockeye, claim the Tellurian as my rightful inheritance."
The charcutier stood and raised his hands in a placating gesture. "Now, then, it's a husky jack, there's plenty to go around. Do let us slaughter it now, and feast us all, and the heirs of Shockeye will receive the choice organs." There was a murmur of approval. Jamie groaned.
"Law and custom," Banedego said firmly, "demand that justice be served—before dinner is served! And the meat may spoil before we determine whether all is dealt out in fairness. Lock it up and we shall serve it fresh when the matter is decided." Two sturdy Androgums appeared and bore Jamie away. As he was carried out, struggling and kicking, he heard Mashech shouting,
"Be sure to feed it well!"
******
Jamie was thrust rudely into the cell, where Zoe and the Doctor welcomed him with relief. The Doctor shook him happily by both hands. "Jamie! We thought you were a goner!"
"Aye, well, I thought I was a main course! But I got out of it." He told the story of his claim to be Shockeye's property.
"That was brilliant, Jamie!" Zoe exclaimed and hugged him. Jamie turned bright red and coughed.
The Doctor ignored his embarrassment politely and changed the subject. "Yes, Jamie, well done. Now Zoe and I are trying to think of a very clever plan for getting out of here and back to the TARDIS."
"But ye canna do that!"
"Why not, Jamie?"
"I mean, we canna leave just yet. Y'see, I got the idea about bein' Shockeye's property when I heard them arguin' about Chessene's things. You remember Chessene, Doctor?"
"Yes I do, Jamie. I have a sinking feeling I know what you're going to tell me. Was there any scientific paraphernalia among her personal effects?"
"I don't know, Doctor, but they found some drawings with the rest o' her stuff." The Doctor groaned.
"What kind of drawings, Jamie?" Zoe asked. "Did you see any of them?"
"Aye, I saw one. I couldna tell what exactly it was, but it looked like a weapon to me. There was a name across the top. It said, 'Sonic Disruptor'. Is that a weapon, Doctor?"
"Is that a weapon?" the Doctor repeated. "Is that a weapon?! Why, of course it's a weapon!" He paced impatiently, muttering to himself. "And if the Androgums have the design. . . oh, my giddy aunt!" He continued to pace, lost in thought.
Seeing Jamie's look of puzzlement, Zoe turned to him and explained. "Jamie, you know the Doctor's sonic screwdriver? How he tells us not to handle it because it could be dangerous? Well, a sonic disruptor is like that, except that it's only the dangerous part." Jamie nodded. "Jamie, you said you weren't sure what it was. Did the Androgums seem to recognize it?"
"Nay, they had even less idea than I did. But they were talkin' about tryin' to make one anyway, just t'see what it might do."
The Doctor stopped abruptly and faced them. "And if they do, they'll figure it out. The Androgums aren't exactly cerebral but they're terribly, terribly cunning. With a weapon like that they could devastate this planet. With a weapon like that and any sort of transport they could terrorize countless planets."
"Doctor?" Jamie asked hesitantly. "Wha' would the design for a transport look like? Would it be like this? He sketched with his finger in the dust of the table.
"Jamie," the Doctor said very softly, "did you see the name on this diagram?"
"Nay, Doctor, it was under another bit o' paper."
"Why, Doctor?" asked Zoe. "What is it?"
"Jamie must have seen it upside-down, Zoe. Look at it this way, my dear." He steered her around the table with a hand on her shoulder.
Zoe gasped. "That looks like an ion drive!"
"It is, a very simplified one. One even the Androgums could understand. . . and build. Probably designed by Chessene. Jamie, you're quite right. We have to get out of this cell, but we mustn't leave here until we've gotten those plans. The Androgums can't be allowed that sort of technology."
"But, Doctor," ventured Zoe, "aren't we interfering in their development? This Chessene who designed these things, wasn't she an Androgum?"
The Doctor sighed. "Yes and no, Zoe. Chessene was an Androgum, but she was bio-engineered into a super-being, with an artifically augmented intelligence. The interference is Dastari's, not ours. We must not let her designs become real weapons and real spacecraft!" He paced back and forth. "But how to stop them?"
"Doctor," Jamie said hesitantly, "weren't you—well-sort of, uh. . . "
"Out with it, Jamie!" the Doctor snapped.
". . . an Androgum? I mean, didn't they hook you up to Shockeye and—"
"That's it! Jamie, my boy, you're a genius!" The Doctor grasped both of Jamie's hands and shook them up and down, almost knocking the startled Jamie off balance. "I received a most potent infusion of Shockeye's genetic material. It's dormant now, of course, but I imagine it could be reactivated. . . . Jamie, Zoe, I need your help."
"What should we do, Doctor?" asked Zoe. "How can we effect the reactivation?"
"Well, Zoe, I'll need to put myself into a trance, but I also need some sort of Androgumish reorientation." The Doctor sat down, massaging his temples. His eyes closed, then opened again. "I've got it—talk to me about food!" Jamie and Zoe looked at each other, then back at the Doctor. "Don't just stand there! Tell me, what would you like to have, right now?"
"A pint o' good ale and a big hunk of roast beef," said Jamie.
"Four blue polynutri cubes—and two red spheroids for dessert," added Zoe.
The Doctor's eyes closed again . "Chateaubriand, rare, with Bearnaise sauce," he muttered. "More, I need more!"
"Fresh milk and a basket o' scones, wi' new butter and marmalade!"
"Green nutrihedrons in purple synth-matrix!"
Seeming very far away, the Doctor murmured, "Szechuan chicken and peanuts in garlic sauce!"
Zoe cried enthusastically, "A synth-veg salad and a cliffungus steak!"
"Aye, and a great steamin' platter o' haggis!" shouted Jamie. The Doctor's brow was furrowed in concentration. Suddenly he gasped and cried out.
"Look at him!" said Zoe.
"Is it dangerous, d'ye think?" asked Jamie.
"No, he's just transforming into an Androgum!" The Doctor's brows beetled and his pleasant features became heavyset. His legs seemed bandied and his shoulders broadened.
"Ugh!" he grunted and stumped over to the cell door. As Jamie and Zoe watched in fascination he pulled the bars out of the little window with a casual jerk. "Hey you!" he called roughly to the guard. "Get me out of here right now! How dare you lock me up?"
The guard turned and gulped to see an undeniably Androgum Doctor glaring out at him. He quickly produced his keys and opened the door. The Doctor pushed out the door and struck the guard with a chop by the neck. The guard dropped, and the Doctor beckoned to Jamie and Zoe.
"Where now, Doctor?" Jamie asked nervously. This person seemed more Androgum than Doctor.
But he answered civilly. "Why, to the Great Hall, of course, Jamie. Let's hope your friends—and the plans—are still there."
"But how will we get them?" asked Zoe.
"Just you leave that to me, my dear." Jamie wasn't at all sure he liked the Doctor's smile.
A lone guard stood in the small room that let into the Great Hall. The guard stepped in front of them. "Who goes there?"
"I do," said the Doctor. "Out of my way!" With that he threw the startled guard against the wall.
Looking down at the stunned Androgum lying on the floor, Zoe said, "Doctor, you didn't have to do that!"
"Aye, I thought ye'd talk your way in!" Jamie added.
"I?" The Doctor's eyes blazed. "I have the blood of Shockeye o' the Quawncing Grig! I've better things to do than to babble with yokels!" He marched up to the double doors into the Great Hall and flung them open, leaving Jame and Zoe out in the corridor. He marched to the head of the banquet table, where the high-ranking Androgums were still quarreling over Shockeye's goods, and brought his fist down on the table. The plates jumped, and the nobles quit their squabbling, turning to stare at the Doctor.
Jamie and Zoe looked at one another and moved with one accord to stand behind the Doctor.
The Doctor snatched a sheaf of papers from the nearest Androgum and glanced at it. It was the set of plans for the ion drive and sonic weapons. Satisfied, he tucked them in his jacket. The Androgums half-rose and Jamie reached for his dirk, but the Doctor raised his hands and spoke.
"I share the blood and soul of Shockeye o' the Quawncing Grig. I received an infusion of his own genetic material. None is closer than I am. I am the rightful heir of Shockeye and I claim the Androgum Inheritance!" The Doctor's eyes blazed under his bushy brows and unruly hair.
A general clamor arose among the Androgums. Banedego rose slowly, scrutinizing the Doctor carefully. "Tell me, pretender to the inheritance of Shockeye, what is the best way to cook an Aldebaran flame-hound?" The clamor died down as the Androgums waited for the Doctor's response.
"First it must be marinated—he best spices for this delicacy are those imported from the third moon of Betelgeuse's fifth planet, but the leaves of our native parslip will do in a pinch. After marination, a pit should be dug, no deeper than four feet, no wider than two feet, in an area where the soil contains—"
"That's Shockeye's spirit all right!" Mashech admitted. "He'll go on all day if we let him."
"I concur," said Banedego quietly. "What is your wish, heir of Shockeye?"
"Only these." The Doctor tapped his jacket pocket where the plans lay hidden. "And these." He indicated Jamie and Zoe.
Shardach rose and bowed. "When you have consumed the choicest delicacies, may we nibble at the poorer scraps of them, my lord?"
"What?" the Doctor thundered. "Dare you deprive me of my simple pleasures?"
"N-no, my lord." Shardach resumed his seat.
"Will you join us, heir of Shockeye?" Banedego asked politely.
The Doctor eyed the table laden with meats and side dishes. "Well, now that you mention it. . . . " Zoe tugged at his sleeve. ". . . no. I must be on my way. I have, shall we say, better fish to fry?"
The Androgums loved the joke and laughed coarse, raucous laughs. "Come on, Zoe, Jamie!" the Doctor whispered, and they slipped out.
******
Back in the TARDIS, the Doctor shut the door, laid the plans carelessly on the console, and headed right down the corridor. Jamie caught up with him, Zoe running just a little behind. "Doctor, where are you going?"
"The kitchen, Jamie, I'm famished!" There was an odd light in the Doctor's eyes that Jamie didn't like. When they reached the kitchen the Doctor made a sudden lunge, and Jamie found himself pinned against the wall. The Doctor held him easily with one hand on his chest, and with the other he scrabbled in a nearby drawer. He pulled out a meat cleaver and brandished it. Jamie struggled and tried to wriggle away, but the Doctor was using some sort of nerve-pinch hold and he could not move, only shut his eyes as the shining blade moved closer and closer. . . .
There was a thump, and Jamie felt the Doctor's hand on him fall away. He opened his eyes to see the Doctor unconscious on the floor and Zoe standing over him, holding a heavy iron skillet. "Well done, lass!" Jamie exclaimed when he'd gotten his breath back. "Now what do we do?"
Zoe frowned, thinking. "The TARDIS has special telepathic circuits keyed to the Doctor's mental wavelengths. If we can get him in touch with her, the telesympathic fields should restore his usual electroencephalic patterns."
"What?" asked Jamie.
"Help me get him to the control room," said Zoe, exasperated.
"That I can understand!" said Jamie, hoisting the Doctor up on his shoulders. They trudged back to the control room. Zoe pulled a chair over to the console and directed Jamie to set the Doctor in it. The Doctor sat slumped forward as Zoe manipulated the controls."
"I hope that does it," she said, pushing one last button. A soft blue light began to emanate from the panel nearest the Doctor, enveloping him. He groaned and moved slightly.
"Look! It's working!" cried Jamie. The Doctor's eyebrows retreated and his features gentled. His body assumed a more normal appearance. He sat up in his chair and put a hand to his head.
"Oh, my giddy aunt!" The blue light shut off and Zoe and Jamie ran forward.
"Doctor! Are ye all right?"
The Doctor opened his eyes. "Ah, Jamie, it's you. And dear Zoe, too. I've been having nightmares about Shockeye, can't think why. Would you believe I wanted to serve you up for dinner, Jamie?" The Doctor chuckled.
"Never," Jamie said, winking at Zoe.
"Well, I see we got out of there with our lives—and the plans. This must be destroyed at once. And then we can be off!"
"Where to, Doctor?"
"Oh, I don't know, Zoe. I say, you wouldn't happen to know of any good restaurants in the local star group, would you?"
Jamie and Zoe groaned as the Doctor turned happily to the console.