Chapter Text
“So who’s the hottest girl in the cadets?”
The question out of Reiner’s mouth was one of no true substance. It was meaningless and trivial. It was also one of the most nerve racking questions a young, pubescent man in the cadets could answer, especially when surrounded by their peers within the walls of the boys quarters. But the very presence of their peers made them even more terrified of “pussying out”, and the intrigue of hearing the answers of others outweighed their hesitation. And so, against their better judgement and the will of all benevolent deities, no one objected to Reiner’s question.
“Well, I think Mikasa-“
“Yeah, yeah, we know, Jean,” Reiner interrupted. “That was as obvious as me saying Krista is the hottest. Which she is. But what about someone who we don’t already know the answer of? Like…… Bertholdt?”
And thus, into the unknown they traveled. Like a school of piranhas searching for blood in the water, all of them were waiting for the slightest sign of potential embarrassment for them to poke and prod at. For if they could single out an individual for ridicule, the rest could escape it themselves.
Bertholdt’s face filled with sweat and he began shaking, but he was conscious enough to give a safe half-truth. “W-well, I think Annie and Krista are both really cute, you know?”
“Wow, look’s like Bertholdt’s got a thing for blondes.”
“Nah, I think he’s just cocky about how tall he is and likes to feel special.”
They all laughed, Bertholdt even let out a few nervous chuckles. He managed to avoid the worst of it. The next target wouldn’t be so lucky.
“H-how about you, Connie?” Bertholdt asked, turning to his left.
Connie was tired. He wasn’t fully aware of the mind games being played. This made him vulnerable. With neither the energy nor the brain power to come up with a decent strategy, he simply tried to avoid the question
“Unlike you guys, I don’t spend all my time ogling the girls.”
“That is a lie and you know it, Connie,” Jean retorted.
“Come on”, Reiner prodded. “You’ve got to at least have an opinion.”
“I dunno,” Connie said, not considering what he was about to say. “Sasha, I guess.” There it was. Blood in the water. Everyone began to soak in what just happened. Even Connie started to realize the ramifications and attempted to explain himself. “I mean, she’s got a good face. One of the better ones. And, uh, hair.”
“Connie has a crush~,” sang a cadet.
“I do not! Just because I acknowledge that someone’s good-looking doesn’t mean I’m in love with her. Like, just because Reiner thinks Krista’s hot doesn’t mean he’s in love with her.”
“I am in love with her.”
“God damnit, Reiner.
“Oh, come on Connie,” Jean began to tease. “Sasha? really? Of all the girls in the cadets, Potato girl is your pick for number one? I mean, she’s not ugly, but she’s nothing to write home about.”
“What are you talking about, of course Sasha’s pretty!” Connie retorted, unknowingly digging his own grave.
“Awwwwwwwww,” several cadets sighed in unison.
“Look, I’m only defending her cause she’s my friend and I don’t like seeing you guys bad mouth her,” Connie said as he dug his grave further.
“Well, the two of them DO spend a lot of time together. They always seem really happy when they’re together, too.” Bertholdt added.
“Oh my god, guys, Connie’s in love.” Jean smirked
“Am not!”
“Hey, come on guys, cut him some slack,” Eren interjected. “What he’s saying is perfectly reasonable. A guy and a girl can be close while still being just friends. I mean, Mikasa and I-“
“Oh my god, Eren, I say this with love, but go fuck yourself,” Reiner interrupted.
“Well, Eren has a point.” Armin explained. “Me and Mikasa are just friends, and I acknowledge that she’s quite pretty, but it’s not like there’s any attraction between us.” Everyone in the room sighed and muttered in reluctant agreement. Eren was very confused and slightly offended at the contradictory treatment.
“What about you Eren?” Armin asked.
“I dunno, are we just talking about which girl has the prettiest face or something?”
“Nah, it’s more than just the face. It’s you know, their body too,” Jean explained. “Come one, there’s gotta be at least one girl in here you wanna bang.”
“Well, I have been meaning to spar with Mikasa. She’s been getting really strong lately.”
“No, Eren, I’m not talking about that. You want to do other things with her, right?”
“Like what?”
“Oh come on, Eren. You’re telling me you never jacked off while thinking about plowing Mikasa?
“TMI, Jean”, Connie complained.
“I have literally no idea what you’re talking about,” Eren told them. There was a pause. Everyone exchanged looks, wondering what they should say next. What they COULD say next.
“Eren,” Connie started. “You do know what sex is, right?”
“What, so I can’t spar with Mikasa cause she’s a girl?”
“No, not gender. Sex.”
“What’s the difference?” Everyone was silent, trying their best to hold in their laughter. They were ready to ridicule, but ridiculing Eren for this seemed a little-
“OH MY GOD EREN DOESN’T KNOW WHAT SEX IS!” Connie burst out laughing. Everyone else, now comfortable in making fun of Eren now that one person started to, lost themselves in hysterics. They laughed for a minute straight, all the while Armin was wondering if he should pull Eren aside to explain it to him. Before he could decide, the doors burst open, and Shadis walked in. The laughter died down in seconds.
“I-instructor!” Reiner stood up and went into attention. Everyone else sloppily and nervously followed suit.
“Just what are all of you making all of this noise over? It’s way too late and you’re supposed to be in bed.”
“We were just talking sir. I’ll take full respons-“ Reiner didn’t have time to finish talking before Shadis responded.
“And what topic was so pressing that you had to stay up late to discuss it?” It was then that Eren, in what would go down as his least self-aware moment in history, answered.
“We were discussing which girls we thought were the most attractive.”
There was a long pause. Shadis Stared at Eren for a long, long time saying nothing, and Eren continued to feel increasingly uncomfortable. Shadis’s expression changed from a serious poker face to nostalgia, to sadness, to anger, and then back to sadness. Tears began to well up in his eyes, and he made his exit. People could hear him bawling down the hall way.
Nobody really knew what to make of the situation. So many questions about what just happened, so many jokes left to make about Eren not knowing about sex. So much sleep to go to. What finally broke the silence was Reiner. “Just so we’re clear, Connie, the fact that Eren doesn’t know about sex, while hilarious, doesn’t change the fact that you’re in love with Sasha.”
“I’m not.”
“Sure you aren’t.”
“God fucking damnit, Reiner.”