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“do you think we knew each other in another lifetime?”
it’s past midnight and they’re laying in even’s bed, supposed to be sleeping but isak is preoccupied with how even’s body feels pressed against his, how they seem to fit perfectly together, how their breathing is almost perfectly synchronized.
even, playing with one of isak’s hands, asks back, “like reincarnation?”
“it sounds stupid when you say it like that.”
even laughs and kisses the palm of isak’s hand. “then explain to me what you mean.”
isak pauses, unsure of how to word his thoughts. “like... we were together before, but in a different time, different place...” he trails off.
“you realize you’ve just defined reincarnation, right?”
“fuck you.”
even laughs again, this time lifting his head off of isak’s chest to look at him. “it’s a completely normal thing to wonder about, no judgement here from me.” he moves up on the bed, propping his head on his elbow. “maybe a little judgement though, since we’re not even high this time.”
isak rolls his eyes and lifts one of his hands up to even’s hair, letting his fingers run through it. they’re both silent but it’s comfortable and even’s smile makes isak heart feel as if it were expanding.
it was often easy to forget that they had only been seeing each other for a short amount of time from the overwhelming familiarity isak felt around even. isak, who usually took a longer time getting comfortable around people, found himself easily opening up to even. there was no hesitation, no skepticism and he felt as though he’d known even for years.
“i know it’s not real, it just... feels like i’ve know you for a long time,” isak finally says, simplifying his stream of thought and even leans over to place a kiss on his lips, lingering there for a few moments.
“i feel the same, you know.” even lays his head back down, resuming playing with isak’s hand. “who do you think we would’ve been?”
“what do you mean?”
“in our other lives,” even clarifies.
“knights. artists. i don’t fucking know.”
they both laugh and even shifts on his side, throwing one arm around isak’s torso. “knights, i like that one. you get to be my knight in shining armor.”
isak grins. “taking turns saving each other.”
that gets a laugh out of even and he buries his face in isak’s chest, lacing their fingers. they’re quiet and isak relaxes his head back, his eyes beginning to feel tired. the moment he closes them, even’s voice fills the room again.
“do you think...” his pause is heavy, indicating to isak that he’s having a hard time getting out the next few words. so isak opens his eyes again and gives even’s hand a squeeze, a gentle reminder that he’s here. it takes even a few more seconds before he continues, “... in another universe, or time...i wasn’t... i’m not ill.” even’s voice is quiet and mostly muffled by the covers they were under and isak feels a pang in his heart.
“there’s probably a universe like that, yeah,” isak says. “but you’re not your illness, you know?”
“it feels like i am, sometimes.”
isak rolls out from under even and moves on his side so they’re facing each other. he keeps hold of even’s hand, lifting it up to his mouth briefly to place a kiss on his knuckles. “you’re not,” he states, firmly. “i know it’s hard to see that sometimes but there’s a lot more to you than that.”
even in the darkness of the room, isak could tell even’s gaze shifts away from his. he lets go of his hand and places his palm on even’s cheek instead. isak still can’t see his eyes so he leans over and presses his lips to even’s, briefly, then pulls away.
neither of them speak for several long seconds and isak’s chest feels a little tight. moments like these are his least favorite but not because he doesn’t know what to say or how to deal with them; it’s because he knows that no matter what he says, even will feel like this. it will never be enough and he knows he could never truly take away these feelings, that all he can do is hold him while they pass. but even once they do pass, they will always come back and there was nothing he could do about it.
“this is my favorite universe,” isak says when the silence drags on for too long and even finally meets his gaze, his expression a little less strained. “i wouldn’t have it any other way.”
even’s mouth twitches into a small smile but it’s still something and isak finds his hand again, lacing their fingers and giving it a gentle squeeze. “all the other isak and even’s probably have problems, too,” he continues, “there’s an isak out there who’s failing biology. and an even who has terrible taste in movies,” he pauses, then furrows his brows, pretending to be confused, “wait - i think that might be this one.”
that makes even laugh and isak smiles, the dull ache in his chest replaced by a fondness and warmth that only even can make him feel.
“you love my taste in movies,” even argues, “i only show you the best.”
“yeah, sure.”
even’s still grinning and isak watches him, searching his eyes and hoping the faraway look he often gets doesn’t return. when a few seconds pass and it doesn’t, he relaxes into the pillow, closing his eyes, and loops an arm around even’s waist, pulling his body closer.
“i love you, you know.”
it’s the first time isak’s said it out loud, despite having known it for a while. even had texted it to him a few times but he’s never said it out loud, either. he isn’t really sure why he’s never said it when it’s one of the only things he ever felt sure about. it wasn’t particularly hard to say just now and he thought about it often, toyed with the word in his mind, repeating it over and over: i love even.
in this moment though, isak thinks even needs to hear it and knows he’s right when he feels even put an arm around him and shift a little closer.
“in every universe?” isak’s eyes are still closed but he can hear the smile in even’s voice.
“every universe, every time,” he replies, opening his eyes when he feels even’s lips on the side of his face. he shifts on his side again and even is smiling at him, wider than before and isak feels himself smile, too, the warm feeling in his chest growing.
“i love you, too.”