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Nelyafinwe laid upon the cold stone floor of Angbang, his shoulders being held by a brutal force that belonged to no other than Sauron, Gorthaur the cruel. Nelyafinwe had fought against the Maia’s way for far two long, and now he was laying on the floor, unable to repel Sauron’s body against him. His strength, once famed and golden, was now diminished and feeble by his long days of torture and most importantly, Sauron’s imposement. The sorcerer would not be swayed by his bodily defense, for he always obtained what he desired. Yet not a supplicant whim or a pleading word had been uttered by Nelyafinwe. This he could not earn by his hand, for Nelyafinwe was determined that his only complaint would be uttered by his corpse, thrown to the orcs.
Nelyafinwe felt as if he were being shook, which was quite remarkable if one noted the thrusting motion Sauron made upon him. He then heard a voice, a voice that belonged not to Gorthaur. “Maitimo, can you hear me? Maitimo, come back. Á tulë asenyë. Tullen tye-rehtien.”
Nelyafinwe’s vision became blurry, the flashback weakening as he heard the voice that was dearest to him, the voice he loved. Nelyafinwe opened his dark grey eyes to meet Findekano’s deep blue eyes and caramel skin. “Maitimo, are you alright?”--He said, his voice full with concern.
Nelyafinwe assented. “ Náto.” The voices of his present brothers were audible. “It is passing,” he heard Pityafinwe say, much to his fluster. Findekano helped him stand up, and Nelyafinwe took in hand the blade he had carried. In front of him laid the brutally stabbed deer that had caused such a flashback in the first place.
Findarato and Irisse approached them, as well as with his two brothers. “Was it a flashback again?”--He asked, his tone grave and heavy with worry.
“It was nothing.”--He lied, walking along with the rest of the hunters. Yet his lie was unconvincing, and both of his cousins knew it so. It had been half a year since his rescue from Thangorodrim, and yet the flashbacks came back every couple of weeks. His body had healed, bearing the scars that testified his agonizing torture, yet his mind remained scarred to this day. The flashbacks occurred during the day, yet Nelyafinwe preferred them to the nightmares at evening, a major factor that had contributed to his insomnia. Findekano would sleep next to him every day, despite his insistence to do otherwise. It was not that Findekano’s presence troubled him, but rather that his own scarred body, once perfect and beautiful, brought upon him even more shame. Despite his self conscience, Nelyafinwe had to admit that sleeping on the same bed with his cousin was a comforting experience. In Valinor they had seldom shared a room by themselves, as his father’s dislike of Nolofinwe grew.
Findekano whispered sweetly to him. “Maitimo, we don't have to stay here. Nai, if the flashbacks are coming back it is best to go home. Findarato and Irisse understand.”
But Nelyafinwe was far prouder than to admit his weakness in front of his brothers and cousins, even in front of the one he loved. “It is not necessary. I am better now.”
Findekano’s gaze was not the more serene, yet he would not go against Maitimo’s wish. He knew very well of his lover’s wounded self-esteem despite his attempts to cover it. “Fine,”--He said with a sigh--”But if another flashback comes we are going home.”
Maitimo ceded to his terms, having no option. “Let’s get going.”--He heard Tyelkormo say, with Irisse after his steps. The six walked over the sinuous path of the forest, and Maitimo went with the same agility he had enjoyed before his captivity. Findekano smiled at the thought, for despite his many obstacles, Maitimo seemed to be progressing, both in skill and strength.
After what seemed to be hours of walking, Irisse uttered words of warning. “ Ela! A beast is on our way. The steps are even visible.”--She unsheathed her long dagger, walking cautiously. Maitimo and Findekano did the same. Tyelkormo then spoke in mockery. “ Manna? I see nothing except Huan’s sticky paws. Surely my brother’s hallucinations have made an impact on you.”--He laughed scornfully, making the situation even more uncomfortable for Nelyafinwe.
Irisse’s expression turned sour. “Turco, this is not funny.”
Findekano stepped in as well, with Findarato at his side. “My sister is right, Tyelkormo. This is no joking matter, nor it is to be taken lightly. Have you any idea of--”
His phrase was interrupted by Maitimo’s staying hand on his shoulder. “Findekano, it’s alright. He meant nothing by it.”
Findekano’s lips closed to a full end out of frustration, and Tyelkormo continued to talk. “Since when have the Nolofinweans been so boring? Eru, even Irisse has been hit hard by it.”
Findarato then spoke against Tyelkormo, for he done with sitting back and observing his cousins. “It is not just the sons of Nolofinwe that tire of your mockery, but everyone else that hears your sharp tongue. A lelyame.” Tyelkormo rolled his eyes, and spoke no more until what seemed to be an orc approached them. All of the elves unsheathed their weapons, and Irisse was the first to attack, wounding the orc. The eldest cousins attacked next, yet Nelyafinwe began to notice that his vision was shifting once more. “T his is not happening again!” He closed and opened his eyes, and for a minute he was back to reality. He stabbed the dying orc even harder, yet the sight of it only made the flashback stronger. Soon he could no longer distinguish where he was fighting; whether he was on the outside of Angbang or on the long forests. His vision turned then to the cold walls of the evil fortress, and of his fight against the guards.
He heard the orc’s fall, yet knew not which orc it was. “Maitimo, are you unwell? ”--He heard Findekano say, yet his voice was nowhere to be seen. Suddenly, he stepped on a wet surface, and before he knew it he himself was falling on the shallow waters of a pond. He hoped then that his nightmarish flashback would end, but his wish was to no avail. “I cannot bring myself to understand your thoughts, kinslayer. Or should I say ‘king?’-- The malicious voice of Sauron flooded through his ears like venom . “You deny yourself the opportunity of allying yourself with my lord, of ending your agony, yet you will not cede. What keeps you from escaping your torture to join Morgoth? A wicked deed you have performed along your brothers, so why ignore this? Someone else besides your family must keep you at bay, someone you love and who now curses your name.”-- A smile emerged from the Maia’s devilish face.-- ”How could he ever love you in the first place? You were nothing else besides your pretty face, worthless now. Is that what he used to call you? ‘Maitimo’? Oh, how the irony stings!”-- He cackled.
Nelyafinwe felt as if all of his hopes had drowned right besides him, and no longer fought to exit the flashback. Sauron was right after all; perhaps Findekano would be better off without him. “Maitimo, MAITIMO!”--He heard Findekano’s voice say, yet believed it not, for Sauron’s trickery was strong. Yet he felt a force lifting him out of the waters, and the memory of Sauron’s cackling laugh faded as he touched land. He then saw that he was not stuck in the cold waters of Angbang’s fountain, but rather safely in the forest. “Maitimo!”--He heard Findekano say, feeling his affectionate embrace.--”For a moment I thought I had lost you.” He then noticed that his lover was as dripping as he, and then he detected the unmistakable smell of wet dog. Huan had apparently taken a good long dive with Findekano to catch Nelyafinwe, for he was soaking wet. “Are you well?”--Nelyafinwe asked him worriedly.
Findekano smiled. “Better now.” Nelyafinwe saw his cousins and brothers approach them hastily. Ambarussa seemed relieved to have his brother back, perhaps because he could not stand to lose another one.Tyelkormo rode hard to meet them, and was greeted by Huan.” Ye! We are fortunate to have a Valinorean hound at our service, or otherwise Russandol might have drowned in one of his hallucinations. Who knows, perhaps it would not have been that bad…”
“ TYELKORMO, A PUSTA! That is enough.”--Irisse cut him off, her eyes shimmering with the same fear-instilling wrath that her father had displayed while walking across the Helcaraxe.
Tyelkormo’s face was constrained by surprise. “What is ON with you today? Being a spinster does not suit you so well, does it?”--He said scornfully.
“Turcafinwe!”--Nelyafinwe exclaimed scoldingly, but it was not long before Irisse had slapped what was possibly her favorite cousin, his pale blonde hair waving across the wind. Tyelkormo’s expression of spite was one that was hard to forget, and he mounted his horse with Huan at his side. “ Eca, a mitta lambatya cendelesse orcova!”- -He yelled as he rode away in the distance.
“Sure tula cendeletyallo!”-- Irisse insulted him back, but no other response was said. “Jerk.”
Nelyafinwe was facepalming so hard he even slightly stuttered when he spoke. “I am sorry, Irisse… You know how brutish my brother can be. His behavior cannot be excused.”
But Irisse was too hot headed for any sort of apologies from anyone. “Actually, yes it can. If you had a little respect for yourself perhaps he would treat you better than he does now, and his tedious mockery would be put to an end for the better.”--She said with a hint of nuisance in her voice, and bore farewell to her brother.
Findarato saw her leave, standing next to his two cousins. “I fear she is right.”
***
Findekano sat next to Nelyafinwe in their chambers inside Himring. “Honey, I know Tyelkormo is your brother, but Eru, he is an asshole.”
Nelyafinwe snorted. “As if after hundreds of years of living besides him I hadn’t noticed.”--He expected for Findekano to chuckle as well, but rather found his expression to be full of concern. “You don’t get it, do you?”
The previous smile faded from his face, as the words of Sauron were echoed in his ears. ‘ How could he ever love you in the first place?’ --”What is it?”
Findekano cupped his face with his hands, which only alarmed Nelyafinwe even more. “Did you not understand anything of what Irisse was saying? Of how you should give yourself the dignity, the respect you deserve? That Tyelkormo’s insults, no matter how minor, are degrading you?”
Nelyafinwe was apprehensive. “Finno, he doesn’t mean anything by it.”
“And what did you do when he insulted my sister? Then you said something.”
“That is different. He and I are brothers, that is how we get along… Irisse, however, is his cousin, and he should have some respect for her.”
Findekano’s tone was grave, even sorrowful. “This is not about Tyelkormo or my sister for that matter, and you know it. This is about you, and how despite your improvement, you keep beating yourself constantly. What is it that I can forgive from you than you cannot forgive yourself for? If you think that I have not noticed how your self esteem is torn apart in pieces, then you are heavily mistaken.”
Nelyafinwe sighed. “You would not understand. Do you not see that I do not deserve you, that you are too noble, too good for me? That maybe, your life could be better without me in it?”
Findekano said nothing and instead turned his back to him. Nelyafinwe then felt like his soul had been torn apart, thinking that his lover had seen the truth in his words. He was about to stand up when he heard from him what could be interpreted as silenced sobs. “Findekano?”
“You do not understand how much it hurts for you to say that, do you? All your self-hatred does is wound me, because I love you, and I cannot stand seeing you like this! For all I know I could have lost you today, and now you are just telling me that I would be better off without you? As if you weren’t the love of my life, the one person I can’t stand to lose?”
Nelyafinwe stood next to him, and saw that they both were on the verge of tears. “The last thing I wanted was to hurt you. I didn’t think you could feel that way for me, after everything that I have done.”
“Well, I do.”--He said with the same stubborn tone his sister had used earlier.
A knock was uttered on the door. “It is me, Makalaure. Tyelkormo needs to talk to you, Nelyo.”
The door was opened by Findekano. “Tell him that there is no need for his scorn.”
Makalaure seemed exasperated. “He comes to offer his apologies.”
Findekano and Nelyafinwe exchanged mutual glares. “I suppose he can come in.”
“After what he said to you? No, there is no way in Arda…”
Nelyafinwe held Findekano’s hand ever so dearly. “Please. Let me fix what I have done.”
Findekano raised an eyebrow. ‘Fine, I’ll be outside. But if I hear one more joke…”
“Finno, I’ll handle it. I promise.”--He said fervently.
Findekano did not oppose himself any longer, and exited the room as Tyelkormo came in. “ Anin apsene . It was foolish of me to mock your suffering, especially now.”
Nelyafinwe gazed away. “I am not the only one you owe an apology to, Tyelkormo. You offended Irisse, and Findekano…”
“It was a response, nothing else. I didn’t mean it as an insult.”
Nelyafinwe raised an eyebrow. “You told her to go French-kiss an orc.”
“You forget that she insulted me as well! She said wind pours from my mouth!”
“And with just reason.”
Tyelkormo seemed bewildered. “Still, I fail to see why I owe an apology to Findekano.”
“You can ask him yourself.”
Tyelkormo’s facial expression was oddly similar to Huan’s when he was eager to be taken outside. “Does that mean I am forgiven?”
Nelyafinwe stared around the room, making it seem as if he were considering his forgiveness. “Consider yourself forgiven by me, but not by anyone else. But,”--He raised a finger--”no more cruel scorns are allowed. Not to me, not to anyone. Understood?”
His brother looked as if he had been relieved of an enormous burden. “Na, hantanyel.” He exited and said nothing more.
Findekano entered the room, and before he even was aware of it, his lips were pressed against his own. “I knew you still had it in you.”
Nelyafinwe smiled. “Love, the sass has never left me, not even during Thangorodrim. Eru, you should have heard me respond to the lieutenant of Morgoth. Despite all of my suffering, I think my father would have been proud.”
Findekano chuckled. “I think my uncle would have been more than proud of you, Maitimo.”
His mother name felt like being stabbed in a fresh wound. ‘ You were nothing else besides your pretty face, worthless now. Is that what he used to call you? ‘Maitimo’? Oh, how the irony stings!’ “Don’t call me that.”
There was a hint of pain in Findekano’s eyes. “It never bothered you before.”
“It always bothered me, truly. There is little that remains of my old beauty, and the name only serves for hypocrisy now.”--He gazed away shamefully.
“Honey, look at me.”--Nelyafinwe turned towards him in shame, his lover gently tracing the long scar that ran from his cheekbone to his jaw, and the one that ran across the left side of his head and began shortly at the forehead.--”Your scars show all that you have endured, your strength, the obstacles you have defeated, even your beauty… Besides, your face was not the only thing that made you beautiful, and neither was your body.”
“That is a lie and you know it. Sauron…”--He stopped abruptly after the mention.
Findekano’s eyes widened. “What of Sauron?”
“Nothing, it is nothing. I just had a flashback earlier, that is all.”
“It was about him, was it not?”
“Finno…”
Findekano’s eyes were full of concern. “Did he hurt you while you were there?”
“Finno, there is no need for you to know about this.”
“But I do need to know! If you remember him in a flashback, it is because he did something terrible to you, something unspeakable…”
It was now Nelyafinwe’s turn to be silent. “He was in more than one flashback, was he not?”
Nelyafinwe assented. “In some strange way, he knew that I loved you.”
“And he used that against you.”--He said painfully.
“He said that you could never even love me in the first place, that all I could ever be was a pretty face, and even that was ruined… He even knew what my mother name is, and that you called me by it.”--He realized that for once, his voice was about to break.
“Maitimo…”
“Do not call me that.”
His words were extinguished by a fervent kiss, a kiss that was weakly returned. “Listen, I do not care about what Sauron or anyone has to say about you, do you understand? I call you Maitimo, yes, because to me you will always be beautiful, and like I said, your face was not the only thing that made you beautiful. It was your soul, your eyes, the kindness that still lives in you…”
“Findekano, I am a kinslayer.”
“And so am I, yet you still love me. We made a mistake, all of us, and we are here to mend what we can. Do you not think the same?”
“I guess I could try.”--He chuckled.
“That is another thing that makes you beautiful.”
“What? Trying?”--He laughed, and this time there was cheer in it.
Findekano shook his head. “No, silly, laughing. Melin tirie hendutya silale ya lalat. I suppose I am going to miss it for a couple of days. ”
Maitimo understood. “You are leaving tomorrow for Hithlum, aren’t you?”
Findekano assented.“I would stay if I could, but my father is ever so stubborn. He insists that I should attend a council with Thingol. As if that were to make a difference.”
Maitimo walked around the chamber. “Well, my lord, how do you wish to spend your last night in Himring?”--He said flirtatiously.
“It will certainly not be my last, you can rest assured. There is no way I am leaving you by yourself the whole time.”--They both chuckled.
“But to answer your question, I want it to be unforgettable.”
“Ah, unforgettable?”--He said seductively.
“Yes, unforgettable. But first you must promise me something."
Maitimo’s eyes shone with a new light. “Anything.”
“Promise me that you will take care of yourself.”
“I promise to it.”
“And that you won’t let Tyelkormo scorn you.”
“I also promise to this.”
“And that you won’t be so harsh on yourself.”
“That is going to be difficult.”
“But do you promise?”--He asked him tenderly.
“For you, I would do anything.”--"He said, kissing Findekano’s hand."
A passionate kiss was made to seal the promise. “So what of your unforgettable night?”
“I don’t need anything else to make this night unforgettable. Do you?"
“Me neither. Perhaps nights last longer this way, being unforgettable."
Findekano smiled sweetly. “I think they do.”