Work Text:
josh was facing the wall in his bunk on the tour bus. he hadn't moved for almost two hours.
the thinking started at 5:00pm.
tyler had just announced he was going out to see some old friends from the current town they were in. josh smiled and nodded encouragingly to tyler. telling him to have a good time and not get too drunk tonight. tyler just giggled and explained that as the designated driver, he wouldn't be touching any alcohol tonight. josh laughed and waved him out the door.
josh got bored quickly, he went to have a lie down around 2 minutes after tyler left. there was nothing to do on this bus, he thought.
and that's when he checked his phone. 5:00pm.
he stared at the wall and all the tiny little cracks in the black walls. trying to count them to keep his mind preoccupied. he knew what would happen if he let himself drift.
he lifted his hands and started tracing the cracks in the walls, letting his eyes follow lazily with lots of effort to keep his mind with him.
he felt his mind relax and his hands get droopy,
he stopped himself and snapped back into reality .
he felt himself start to go again.
he brough himself back.
he was tired.
he let himself go,
and didn't stop it this time.
he let his mind wander as his eyes dropped shut.
'the bus is so boring. well, it is without tyler anyways. there's nothing to do, you can't play games by yourself can you? you rely on another person. same with many things. shopping by yourself isn't as easy as with another. humans rely on a second opinion. a partner. humans depend on the opinions and morals of another to live really.'
josh knew he was exxagerating, but he couldn't stop, his thought continued.
but that's not the case, you're lying to yourself. not every human needs someone. only the weak ones do. they feel it's necessary to depend on someone else. and that's exactly what you do josh.' his head told him.
'youre weak. you need tyler to create any source of colour in your life. the bus is boring without tyler. why? because you depend on him to make it fun, you can't depend on him like that. it's horrifying. you're weak, he's strong. he doesn't need you. and that's such a shame because you need him, don't you josh? you need him like you need oxygen. he's your rock. do you really think he'll always be there? he doesn't need you like you need him. he doesn't love you like you love him. and you're disgusting for ever relying on him like that. you're a dissapointment. he deserves so much better. leave him alone. don't depend on him. it's weak.'
josh could feel the tears running down his face, but he was in too much pain to move. his stomach hurt thinking about the fact that the thought he was having wasn't wrong.
he was weak
and depended on tyler
and he can't do that
because tyler doesn't deserve that
he deserves better
josh is disgusting
needy
helpless
weak.
he needs tyler.
it's a shame tyler doesn't need him too.
he lay there. shaking. crying. but he didn't need tyler, no, of course not. he was strong. he was brave. and he doesn't need tyler.
he doesn't need him
he can't need him
he does(n't)
and tyler does(n't) too.
so when tyler comes home and sees a shaking josh on the bed he immediately goes too him and sits on the bed, showing care and concern by a simple hand on the arm and a soft squeeze:
josh shrugs away.
he doesn't need him.
"what's wrong josh?"
he doesn't reply:
"josh you're crying. whats on your mind?"
he continues to ignore tyler.
he doesn't need him.
"you can talk to me, i'm always here." tyler whispers softly.
josh fumes, suddenly breaking out of his stillness and yells,
"I DON'T NEED YOU TO COMFORT ME I DONT NEED TO TALK TO YOU I DON'T NEED YOU TO ALWAYS BE THERE, I DON'T WANT YOU TO ALWAYS BE HERE FOR ME. YOU'RE RUINING EVERYTHING I DON'T NEED YOU AT ALL I DONT NEED YOU I DONT I DONT I DONT!"
tyler looks shocked and josh is breathing heavily, glaring at tyler. tyler's eyes well up quickly and he gets off the bed.
"if that's how you feel." he states shakily.
he turns around and josh immediately feels like utter shit and his own eyes begin to well up.
tyler begins to walk away and lets a few tears fall.
"t-ty-" josh whispers.
tyler doesn't turn around
"ty-ler"' he whispers again.
this time tyler turns around and looks at the broken boy sitting on the bed.
his hands are in his bright yellow hair and he's looking down at his lap.
"i'm sor-ry i didn't i cant i'm sorry i-"
tyler walks up quickly and sits right next to the bright haired, blurry eyed boy and immediately opens his arms for the boy.
josh collapses and falls into tyler's warm embrace as he feels the other boys hand running over his arm and head. he grabs tyler's shirt and his son in gets worse.
"i didn't mean it tyler i'm sorry, i, i didn't want to need you any more."
tyler feels his gut wrench.
"but i do.."
tyler squeezes those tears out of his eyes and breathes shakily, pulling josh closer.
josh cuddles into him and starts shaking again.
"but i hate it-"
josh's voice goes higher in pain.
tyler's heart almost stops.
"why do you hate it?"
it's barely a whisper.
"because you dont need me like i do."
tyler pushes josh away.
"you don't think i need you?! you're the person i trust most in this life. you made me who i am. you're my bestest friend in the world. you're the reason i get out of bed smiling. seeing you happy instantly makes me happy josh. i realised that you are the one person in this life who i could say i would live for. you're my other half. you're everything i have joshua. if you even for a second think i don't need you, you're wrong. i love you, so much. the little things about you are the reasons i'm smiling. and seeing you like this hurts me so much. i need you josh dun."
josh looked at tyler and flung his arms around him and sobbed. he cried until he couldn't. and so did tyler.
they both cried themselves to sleep, but maybe it wasn't all because they were sad. they were overwhelmed with the sudden night of emotions.
josh fell asleep on tyler's chest, still clinging to his shirt. tyler leant down and kissed his precious curls before closing his eyes.
"thank you for needing me."