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Arnold Cunningham is not afraid to admit that he is not the best at many things. In fact, he would go as far as to say that he is quite terrible at most things. After all, he can't run (and doesn't see the appeal of it, thank you very much); he can't play any sport—period (even in eating contests back home, he wouldn't even medal); and the less he says of being a good Mormon boy, the better. However, Arnold knows himself to be the best at two things: being Kevin Price's best friend and being an accidental Prophet of the Lord. And hey, given that those two things are kinda the most important things in his life right now, he doesn't think that's too shabby, if he says so himself.
"I'm dying," Kevin announces as he lies forlornly on his cot, his forearm thrown dramatically over his sweat-stained face, "Arnold, dictate my will, won't you? I don't think I'll last any longer."
"I think you have a bigger problem to deal with," Arnold says gravelly, and at Kevin's confused look, he simply states, "Your hair." He laughs as Kevin vainly tries to cover the tangled mess and throw his pillow at him.
"I'm going to go see Navaho Bungie," Arnold tells him, wiping the wetness from his own brow and changing into a shirt that is not sweat-stained, "Want me to ask if she still has some of that weird juice to tame that wild mane?"
"I guess, if you want to." Kevin says airily with a noncommittal shrug, but it's the way he cuts his eyes to look up at him that Arnold determines his answer to be an astounding yes please. And come on, ever since his meltdown, Kevin has been trying to be less arrogant and vain—should his beautiful head of hair pay the price for that? And Arnold knows what he needs without Kevin having to say it. He doesn't mean to brag, but they have this psychic connection, you know? They're basically two halves of one whole.
"Don't worry. I'm here for you, Best Friend." Arnold assures him, cheekily tussling Kevin's damp hair as he goes to leave their bedroom.
"I'm here for you, too, Buddy." Kevin replies back automatically because that's their thing now. Yeah, Arnold has a thing with someone—with his best friend, no less. He knows that his dad would be proud of him for it, even if he won't return his calls or answer any of his letters ever since the Incident (which, in retrospect, calling the formation of a new religion that he's somehow the head of the Incident was not that original or clever, but it's the only name that he's been able to remember). But he doesn't want to think about family drama right now. He's on the way to shower his glorious, dark-skinned girlfriend with kisses and words of poetry that he half-remembers reading in insufferable English classes. Oh wait, he thinks slyly to himself as he imagines the feeling of her soft skin under his palms, make that three things I'm best at.
:: - ::
He slinks back to the missionary hut only fifteen minutes later, having been told by Mufala that his daughter was grounded for going over her "texting limit" (apparently she'd run out of ink for the second time this month). However, he does manage to get some of that gross gunk that Kevin uses as hair gel from him before he slammed the door in his face, so Arnold considers his trip more or less a success. If he can't be the best boyfriend, he can at least be the best best friend, right?
Not bothering to knock, he opens the door to their quarters and says, "Oh Battlestar Galactica!" Which wasn't what he was going to say, but when he sees a very shirtless Elder McKinley straddling an equally shirtless Kevin Price, all rehearsed dialogue goes flying out the window.
"Elder Cunningham!" Elder McKinley gasps, flinging himself off of Kevin and tucking his, you know what, back in his pants, "There is a rule against not knocking when a bedroom door is closed."
"There is?" Kevin asks with a raised eyebrow, seeming (though a little flustered and embarrassed) unperturbed by Arnold's sudden presence.
Elder McKinley amends, "It's an unspoken one."
Kevin scoffs and smiles softly at Elder McKinley before turning his attention back to a slack-jawed, frozen Arnold Cunningham, "Hey, given how many times I've walked in on you and Nabulungi, you have no room to talk."
“When did this become a thing that happens?” He demands, his voice five octaves higher than normal, "Kevin, are you gay? Why didn't you tell me? Did you have to suffer through your sexuality crisis by yourself? I could have comforted you!" His breathing rapidly increases until he's nearly having an asthma attack, sitting down on the floor and hanging his head between his knees.
"Kevin, you said he knew about us!" Arnold hears Elder McKinley hiss, which what? There's an us now? How could he have missed the us?
"He does!" Kevin assures him in that whiny, high-pitched voice he uses when he's being scolded, "I mean, he's caught us about a million times."
"When?" Arnold heaves out, but then he thinks back...
One
It's been a few weeks since they've been exiled from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints for starting a new religion (which Arnold considers a gross overreaction, but whatever), and it's been so stressful trying to deal with so many new baptisms and actually writing the Book of Arnold down and figuring out how to run an entire religion that he and Kevin both have been swamped with work. They haven't had any time to do best friend stuff like make each other friendship bracelets or gossip about girls, and Arnold has had enough of it. He's determined that on this short night of reprieve, he and Kevin are going to have male bonding, dang it! Only, as he's quick to discover, Kevin is nowhere to be found. He's checked the bathroom, tool shed, kitchen, and even around the village, but no Kevin Price can be found in sight. He was just in the living room with all the other elders an hour ago, Arnold rationalizes and vaguely remembers Kevin asking Elder Neeley if he's seen Elder McKinley around.
"Elder McKinley likes to go top of that hill on the outskirts of the village to think sometimes," Elder Neeley tells Arnold with a shrug, "That's what I told Elder Price. He's probably with him." And that's—fine. Kevin wants to spend time with someone else. But he doesn't know that you want to spend time with him, a selfish part of his mind reminds him, because sure, Elder McKinley is nice and all, but he guarantees that Kevin would pick hanging out with Arnold over him in a heartbeat.
Braving the scary jungle animals that operate under the cover of darkness, Arnold journeys toward the hill next to their hut, walking fast as to not appear like weak prey to any potentially watchful predators. The moon is wide and bright tonight, and it casts a dim but fair lighting over the grass and gives Arnold a clear view of two figures on the hill.
He walks quickly towards them, being quiet on the off-chance he's mistaken and the shadowed figures are actually one big figure of a lion or something. However, he gets only a mere few feet behind them when he confirms that it is indeed Kevin and Elder McKinley. They're huddled close together as if to keep warm in the already hot atmosphere, and Kevin's hand is on Elder McKinley's knee, and Elder McKinley leans in to—
But suddenly Arnold decides to make his presence known with a booming, "Hey, Guys! What are we doing out here?"
Elder McKinley jerks away from Kevin and stares at Arnold like a deer caught in headlights, "Elder Cunningham, it's not what it looks like." Ah, now Arnold gets it. Rules—They're a big one with this guy. He's probably afraid Arnold is going to hound him for being outside at night and without his mission companion.
"Hey, don't worry about it," Arnold decides to settle this whole thing now, being the Prophet and all, "It's the rules holding you back, right? Well, screw those. A guy can hang out here with another guy, and it's nobody's business but theirs. It's in the Book of Arnold," He pauses, amending, "Well, not yet, but I'll make sure it is."
"But you won't tell anyone, right?" Elder McKinley asks anxiously. Beside him, Kevin's lips are flattened into a straight line, obviously displeased with Elder McKinley's question. And honestly, so is Arnold; it's pretty obvious that the elders know he and Kevin are out here. It's not like it's some secret.
"I won't." Arnold says because he thinks that's the right answer. By the way Elder McKinley immediately relaxes, he's judged right for once.
The three of them stand there (well, Kevin's sitting) awkwardly for a moment before Elder McKinley clears his throat, "Well, I should check on the boys. I am mission leader, after all." He pauses, suddenly doubtful, "I am still mission leader, Elder Cunningham?"
"Uh, yeah, of course." Arnold assures him, having never really thought about it, "I mean, if you want to be." Elder McKinley nods and, with one last long look at Kevin, leaves the two boys out there as he walks dutifully back toward the hut. As soon as he leaves their line of sight, Kevin collapses onto his back and breathes out an exasperated sigh.
Arnold sits down next to him and, not really knowing what to say, declares, "He's weird."
Kevin huffs out a light laugh, "Yeah. Usually he's good weird though." He stays silent before asking, "Is it really okay with you? I mean, you weren't just saying that, right?"
"Of course it's okay with me, Silly," Arnold pokes Kevin's forehead, "I'm your best friend. I wouldn't lie to you." Of course Kevin can have other friends, even if that includes "usually good weird" Elder McKinley. He thought that that was understood, but the way Kevin smiles at him—bright and surprised and happy—makes Arnold wonder otherwise.
"You wanna head back?" Arnold asks, but Kevin shakes his head.
"Let's stay out here awhile."
"Okay," Arnold lies down next to Kevin and points at one of the constellations, "You know what that one's called?"
"Orion.”
"No," Arnold chuckles, "That's Qui-Gon Jinn. See, he has that Liam Neeson smolder and everything." Kevin laughs, and Arnold is relaxed with the knowledge that—at least for right now—everything is okay.
Two
Weeks later, Arnold is awakened by the sound of a muffled crash from the kitchen. Terrified, Arnold turns over to warn Kevin but finds his spot on the cot empty. Cannibals must have captured him, Arnold immediately assumes with horror, they're gonna sell him into slavery and shave off his hair to use as fashionable bandanas. Arnold gets out of bed faster than he's ever had, still clad in his temple garments. He quietly creeps out of their quarters and slides towards the kitchen, confused at the sounds of giggles and an indistinct, vaguely wet noise that he can't quite make out. He peers into the kitchen cautiously, becoming instantly relieved to find that it's just Elder McKinley and Kevin messing around in the kitchen.
Elder McKinley has Kevin pinned against the counter with both arms flanking each of his sides, and whatever he whispers into his hair, Kevin has to smother his snickers against his hand in reaction to it. The scene itself is only confusing because Arnold distinctly remembers Kevin complaining about Elder McKinley just a few nights ago, grumbling about how selfish and overly cautious he is and other weird insults that went over Arnold's head. In fact, it's become like a pattern—Kevin and Elder McKinley will go days without speaking a word to each other and trading icy glares across the dining room table, but then just as easily, they'll fall back into the routine of laughing and teasing each other. It’s a little annoying at times, especially due to the fact that Kevin’s moodiness always reaches an all-time high when he and Elder McKinley have a brief falling out.
"You guys scared me." Arnold tells them with a chuckle as he slips into view and immediately heads over to raid the cabinets for a snack, "I thought you were some robbers. Keep it down a little, okay?" He gestures to the handful of nuts in his hand, "I like a midnight delight as much as the next guy, but you guys need to get it and go." At his words, both Kevin and Elder McKinley flush bright red. It's then that he also notices that Elder McKinley has suddenly put distance between himself and Kevin once again. Honestly, does he really think that Arnold is so possessive that he can't roughhouse and joke around with Kevin?
"That wasn't what we were doing." Elder McKinley sputters. And oh yeah, rule number 35: instances of gluttony are prohibited; eating large meals should be reserved for scheduled dining times only.
"Don't worry, Elder. I won't tell." He winks at them as he pours the nuts into his mouth, "Goodnight." He leaves both of them sputtering in the kitchen, relieved that he didn't have to fend off the hut from some cannibals or something.
Three
"Hurry up!" Arnold bangs on the door of the bathroom, "I made a terrible life decision and need to pay for it right now!" Oh why did he let Nunchucks-Linguini talk him into trying that platter of crow wings with mystery sauce?
Abruptly, the shower turns off, but Arnold still has to wait another agonizing five minutes before Elder McKinley and Kevin—both waterlogged and puffy-lipped—step outside of the steam-filled room.
"Uh, weird," Arnold declares, briefly forgetting the misery plaguing his lower body, "What, did you have to help him wash?"
"Yeah." Kevin confirms vaguely with a crooked smile, glancing over at an equally amused Elder McKinley.
Arnold looks suspiciously between the two and goes to push the matter further when he suddenly, violently remembers why he was so insistent, "Get out of the way!"
...and he remembers even more instances—Kevin and Elder McKinley sneaking off at odd hours, Kevin griping about him one minute and then mooning over him the next, the two bickering like an old married couple, the increasing number of pairs of underwear he's found in their quarters—and he suddenly gets it.
"Oh man," Arnold exclaims, finally calmed down, "Sorry for freaking out, Fellas. I just didn't know that this—" He motions vaguely between the two, "—was a thing."
“How could you not?” Kevin asks, but then he seems to remember that this is Arnold over here and just shakes his head in disbelief. Suddenly, he becomes nervous, chewing at his bottom lip, “Does it—I mean, do you care?”
"Of course I care," Arnold assures him, not noticing Kevin’s terrified expression as he continues, "You have a boyfriend! How exciting is that? Now we can go on double dates and complain about domestic issues and buy houses near each other and have our kids grow up together. This is amazing!" He whirls around on Elder McKinley, his face of joy melting into sternness, "If you break his heart, I will kill you—not directly, of course, because I have slow reflexes and zero upper body strength, but I have pretty intimidating converts that will do the job without batting an eye."
Elder McKinley regards him with wide eyes, "Got it." He smiles and lets his gaze travel lower to take in Elder McKinley’s shirtless form, and oh yeah, he interrupted them, didn’t he?
"I guess I should go then. Let you guys get back to doing—you know." He picks up a discarded sock from the floor and waves it, "I'm going to leave this on the doorknob, and this will signify when someone is using the room to do...stuff. That's our new system, got it?"
"Aye, Aye." Kevin gives him a mocking salute, his attention already being subverted by Elder McKinley (who, admittedly, looks quite good without a shirt on).
Arnold leaves them and goes to sit quietly in the kitchen for a few moments, mulling over this turn of events with silent amazement.
"What's up with you?" Elder Thomas asks as he enters the room and goes immediately for his hourly poptart.
"My whole perspective on the world has changed." Arnold informs him.
Elder Thomas nods and gives him a sympathetic pat on the back, "Yeah, this whole new religion thing can get pretty overwhelming sometimes."
"That's not what I'm talking about." Suddenly, they both hear a muffled yet distinct "Connor," echo throughout the small hut. And because they have this mental tether between them, Arnold gives his buddy a high five for getting some.