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Dr. Ziegler insisted on checking up with him weekly. It had long past the point where such frequent appointments were necessary as Genji’s physical health had improved significantly the past few months.
Every week she would measure his heart rate, ask if he was experiencing any new pain, followed by having him slowly curl his fingers and bend his limbs to ensure proper connection between his robotic parts and neurology.
Mostly, she would just talk to him though. Dr. Ziegler was an incredible physician but she wasn’t a trained therapist and Genji often had the impression that that was the role she was attempting to emulate. Or perhaps it was just in her nature to establish a personal connection between herself and her patients. Her disposition was warmer than that of a somewhat distant shrink and her eyes conveyed genuine kindness and interest. Genji knew she meant well but he couldn’t help but resent her for it.
Sometimes her kindness felt too sickly sweet to him and her inquiries about how he was feeling sometimes made him grit his teeth. It made him feel coddled, like an invalid. She pitied him and it made him sick to his core. But at the same time he was desperate to be understood, for soft affection, for a gentle hand resting on his remaining biological one and that intense need made him somewhat ashamed. It made him fully aware of just how broken he was. An amalgam of flesh, circuits, blood, and metal. Neither human nor machine but something in the middle and the thought made his head spin.
Dr. Ziegler invited him into her office one afternoon. He sat on the edge of the examination table while the doctor carefully pressed a stethoscope to his exposed chest. The metal was like ice on his skin and the hairs on his arm raised.
“How are you feeling today, Genji?” She asked. “Have you been well?”
Inexplicable anger coursed through him. Do you honestly think I’ve been doing well? he wanted to say but he bit his tongue before the bitter retort could come out.
“I’m fine, Doctor.” He said instead, voice stiff and slightly constrained. His caustic tone wasn’t lost to her.
Dr. Ziegler opened her mouth to say something but closed it. She took a moment to jot a note onto her clipboard and carefully set it down on her desk. A few seconds of silence passed before she spoke up.
“It’s not my intention to cross any boundaries,” She began carefully. “But if I do, forgive me. I just want to let you know that you can tell me if something is wrong...I know the change hasn’t been easy for you but I’m here to help you through it.”
“I did say I was fine, didn’t I?” Genji responded, annoyance clear in his voice.
“Yes, but-”
“So just leave me be.” This was not something he wanted to talk about. This was not something he felt had to explain to anyone.
“Genji,” Dr. Ziegler started. “I want to make sure you’re well. Not just because it’s my job but because I do care about you, truly. If my words offended you, I’m sorry. I just believe it’s important for you to know that if something is troubling you, I’m here.”
She rested her hand on the skin of his shoulder but the sensation was too much. He recoiled, sliding off the edge of the table and stood.
“But why?” He asked, voice raising. “Why do you care so much ?”
“Liebe, please calm down.” She raised her hands in a placating gesture. “I care because you’re my patient and I can see you’re in a lot of pain and-”
“Don’t.” Genji said, trembling. “Don’t…”
He curled in on himself slightly, glancing between the floor below him and the door to his right. In his peripheral he could see the dark grey metal that made up the majority of his body and he bit the inside of his cheek hard.
Dr. Ziegler was silent. He heard her move closer and his body tensed. When her hand touched his shoulder once again he lashed out, slapping her hand away.
“ Don’t touch me ,” He gasped. He could see the hurt in her eyes and the way she cradled her hand and felt disgusted with himself. He was disgusting.
“Please have a seat, Genji.” Dr. Ziegler said, her voice soft and concerned.
“No.” He said firmly. His eyes lingered on the door.
“Genji-”
“ I SAID NO ,” He shouted. His swept his arm to the side and knocked over the operating tray next to the table. It slammed loudly to the floor, scattering metal surgical instruments and a surprised gasp escaped Dr. Ziegler.
He backed away and saw the look of shock in her eyes. She was afraid- afraid of him . In that moment he became hyper-aware of the way he must look to her. Wild red eyes, wires jutting from what was left of his body, suited in cold metal. A broken man, something inhuman.
He turned on his heel, threw the office door open and sprinted down the hallway. He could hear her voice calling out to him, hear the clack of her shoes against the floor as she chased him but he was quick. Much quicker than her. His breath came out in harsh puffs as he rounded a corner and slammed head on into someone.
Genji stumbled as the man fell on his behind, a surprised shout escaping him.
“God damn , watch where you’re goin’ will ya?” Jesse grumbled, struggling to stand on his two feet.
Genji attempted to run past him but was held back by a hand firmly grasping his robotic arm.
“Where in the world do you think you’re rushin’ off t-” Jesse started but was interrupted by a fist knocking against his jaw.
“Let me go!” Genji shouted but the grip on his right arm remained. He swung his left fist out again but it was caught before contact was made.
Jesse held Genji’s arms tightly, anger very clear in his face.
“You little- what the fuck is wrong with you?” Jesse growled. Genji struggled to escape his grasp but the larger man kicked his legs out from under him, causing Genji to topple to the ground. Jesse quickly had him pinned and he could hear the tell-tale sound of Dr. Ziegler’s footsteps approaching. His heart thudded loudly in his chest.
“Herr McCree, what do you think you’re doing!?” She exclaimed. “Get off of him this instant!”
Jesse relinquished his hold but, suddenly overwhelmed, Genji made no effort to leave. He just laid on his back, body stiff and arms trembling as he moved to cover his face. He couldn’t breathe. Adrenaline coursed through him but the urge to run was gone.
Dr. Ziegler dropped to her knees next to him, hands hovering over his body but reluctant to touch.
“Are you okay, liebe?” She asked tentatively.
A sudden sob broke through Genji’s chest and he was ashamed. He felt weak, like a child but once the tears started he couldn’t get them to stop. He gritted his teeth and convulsed as a hand stroked through his dark hair.
She hushed him, nails lightly scratching his scalp and a wretched wail tore from his throat. It echoed off the metal walls and Genji was vaguely astonished that such a pained and pitiful sound could come from him.
“You’ll be okay.” Dr. Ziegler said softly. “You’re going to be okay. I know you’re hurting but everything will be okay.”
Jesse stood awkwardly by, unsure of what to do and somewhat embarrassed by the situation. Regardless, he stayed and after a moment elected to crouch down next to the doctor and loosely grasped Genji’s hand in his own.
The three of them stayed like that for a few minutes and Genji was torn between wanting to rip himself away and cling desperately to them both. He truly felt like a child, crying pathetically with a deep desire to be held and comforted. The hand in his hair made him think of his mother and the hand on his own, his brother. The thought forced another sob out of him and he tightened his grip on Jesse’s palm.
It wasn’t long before Genji’s cries faded and were slowly replaced with steady, shallow breaths. He felt numb, disconnected from his body and light-headed.
“So, uh…” Jesse finally said after a few minutes of silence. “Do ya need a drink or somethin'? Like a beer or...sake?”
“Don’t encourage such unhealthy behavior.” Dr. Ziegler scoffed.
“Hey, a drink now and then never hurt nobody, Doc. Relax.” Jesse said, idly rubbing the red bump forming on his jaw. “Matter a’ fact I think I may need one soon to dull this ache.”
Genji slowly sat up, back hunched. He stared blankly at the wall in front of him. His nerves were shot and his brain buzzed.
“Hangin’ in there bud?” Jesse asked.
“You could say that,” Genji said simply, voice devoid of emotion. He paused a moment before adding: “Sorry I hit you.”
“Hah, don’t sweat it.” Jesse said, “I had worse, believe me. Not a bad left hook ya got there, though.”
“I think maybe we should get out of this hallway before someone comes,” Dr. Ziegler suggested. “If you like, Genji, perhaps we could rendezvous outside my office? Or would you rather be alone for now?”
Genji was silent. He thought of his earlier actions, the glinting medical instruments strewn on the floor, the shocked look on Dr. Ziegler’s face and cringed. He didn’t want to be alone but he couldn’t bear being around her after all that. He was embarrassed over his breakdown and he wiped the tear tracks from his face.
“I’m...I’ll go with you.” He said finally. “I’ll clean up your office...I’m- sorry.”
“Don’t worry about it.” She said, offering her hand to him as she stood. He stared at it for a moment before taking it in his own and standing with her.
Jesse lifted himself up as well and tucked his hands in the pocket of his jeans.
“Well...I guess this is where we part ways.” He said. “I’ll catch ya later, Doc. And take care, Genji. The drink offer still stands, just so ya know.”
Dr. Ziegler rolled her eyes and smiled softly as Jesse meandered off.
“Let’s go then, shall we?” She said, starting off in a brisk walk. Genji followed closely behind, shoulders hunched slightly and face red from crying. The shame remained but the hurt had faded into a dull ache.
He felt better but not by much.