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Dear Lance,
I don’t know why I thought this would help. I guess it’s just hard not having you here and imagining you’re just far away is easier than thinking about the emptiness in the pit of my stomach.
Hunk might be taking it the worst. You might not be able to tell since he still has that all consuming smile and hearty laugh that commands the room. But it’s a facade. He spends every spare second baking. One night, I was up into the early morning training and he was still in the kitchen, covering every available space in cookies, bread, and pastries. “Wow four in the morning?” He laughed. “Guess I really lost track of time, huh? I’ll go to bed as soon as I’m done with this last batch. Night, Keith!” He waved and turned back to the oven. It’s like he can’t risk seeing you in his dreams, only to be forced to face the reality of your absence.
Pidge has lost weight. Hunk keeps trying to get her to eat, but she says she feels too sick. I get it, but she’s been looking pretty pale. It’s like she can’t distract herself from the computer for even a second or else she’ll fall apart altogether. I haven’t even seen her for a couple days. Allura has been basically begging her to train, but she hasn’t come out of her room.
One of the worst things is trying to see Shiro function everyday. His eyes always have a red glint to them, as though he just had a breakdown and is a couple minutes away from his next one. There’s no way he doesn’t blame himself. I mean, we all do, but Shiro especially. I overheard him and Allura talking once. He was wondering if he had just paid more attention, praised you more, or done anything really, if you’d still be alive. Allura, in her wisdom, just replied, “You are not responsible for Lance’s actions. Only you own. The past cannot be changed. All you can do now is your best to ensure the future survival of the rest of the team and universe.” She’s right.
But she doesn’t apply the same logic to herself. Her shoulders sag; the weight of your life rests upon them. Constantly, she begging us to train longer and harder while she tries to gather information on the Galra and make plans. No one else’s heart is in it. Usually, it’s just me training while Allura tries to use me as an example of what everyone else should do. I’ve thought about skipping so that she can’t do that, but my head starts swirling and I have to sprint out of the room. I have to train.
Coran isn’t exempt from this. He actually shaved his mustache. Like, it’s just gone, replaced by constant stubble. He spends a lot of time sleeping. I asked Allura about the sleeping schedules of Alteans just in case it’s normal, but it’s not.
How am I you might be wondering? I’m okay… maybe. I can’t say that I’m not affected. I am. That little flutter I had when you walked by been replaced with a hollowness in my heart. The fuzziness in my head when you flashed that flawless smile my way has been replaced been by a never ending ache that makes my head weigh more than the rest of my body. The churning in my stomach when you said a cheesy pick up line is now rock, stagnant, thick, and painful.
As much as I know I shouldn’t be, I’m mostly pissed. Angry you left me. Frustrated by the vague note. Mad you didn’t tell anyone. But mostly, furious at myself. Furious that I didn’t realize it until you were already gone. Furious I never get to tell you in person. Furious that my last words to you were “shut up, Lance.” I want to try again. It can never make up for it, but I need to tell you, even if it’s just through a letter.
I love you, Lance McClain.
Goodbye forever,
Keith