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Sometimes Yugyeom felt guilty.
Guilty for the fact that sometimes his mind would wander to things that he felt were wrong. Guilty for the fact that sometimes he’d think about his best friend in ways that he knew he shouldn’t have. Guilty for the fact that sometimes, when he saw Bambam, he had to suppress desires that he thought would never be reciprocated.
Yugyeom knew that he would never get the satisfaction of doing what he wanted to do with Bambam. They were best friends, they lived together, they did everything together. The last thing he wanted to do was make things weird with the person he was closest with, the person he had to interact with more than anyone else. But on this particular night, it was all he could think about. All his mind could focus on was wanting to kiss Bambam, even just for a moment.
Bambam was snuggled next to him in the bed, almost too close to be comfortable, but Yugyeom didn’t mind. Even though they, of course, had their own beds, this was often how they found themselves. One of them would be craving the closeness of laying together, the warmth of being under the blankets together, and the other would never deny him that. The first time it had happened, it was a bit of an awkward request, but after awhile, it felt so normal and routine that Yugyeom missed it when it didn’t happen. That was when he felt safest, happiest, long after everyone else in the dorm had gone to sleep, Bambam pressed against him, snuggled together.
Truthfully, there had been a few close calls on those nights. Times when they got just a little bit too close, times when Yugyeom was tempted to lean forward to fill the incremental distance between them when Bambam’s eyes had locked with his for just a moment too long. He told himself it was just in his head, that it didn’t mean Bambam wanted to do the same thing he wanted to do. But tonight, he felt a little bit braver than usual. He wanted to push his luck.
“Bam,” he whispered into the comfortable silence. “I have a question.”
All he got in response was a slight hum of curiosity from behind him where Bambam was lying, nestled into his back.
“Don’t think I’m weird, okay? I’m just curious.”
Bambam let out a small chuckle, easing the nerves that were making Yugyeom hesitate to ask what he wanted to ask. “I won’t. Promise.”
Yugyeom believed him; he had shared plenty of thoughts and feelings with Bambam over the years, and never once had he judged him or invalidated him. He breathed in deep, bracing himself to say it.
“Have you ever kissed a guy?”
Bambam let out another laugh, and Yugyeom wasn’t quite able to read why. He laid still, waiting for a response as he idly shifted his gaze to watch the moon shining outside the window. His stomach knotted in anticipation.
“No, never,” Bambam said thoughtfully. “Have you?”
Yugyeom shook his head, even though the room was dark and he wasn’t facing Bambam anyway. “Nope. Have you ever thought about it?”
“I don’t know,” Bambam replied reluctantly. Yugyeom could sense the wheels turning in his mind. “Maybe once or twice, I guess.”
Yugyeom rolled over, wanting to try to gauge Bambam’s emotions. Their faces were close together like this, and Yugyeom had to force a smirk off of his face when he saw Bambam’s eyes widen just the slightest bit. This time when Bambam let out a chuckle, he knew it was a nervous one.
“Yeah,” Yugyeom said quietly. “Me too.” He moved his hand to Bambam’s forehead, pushing a few stray hairs out of his face. He didn’t bother to pull away once his hand was there, letting his fingers lazily play with the soft, black strands.
Bambam watched him for a moment, which Yugyeom decided was his attempt to read what Yugyeom’s intentions were. “Why?” he finally asked when silence had filled the air for almost too long.
Yugyeom decided he didn’t want to waste any more time dancing around what he really wanted to say. “Maybe we could try it. I don’t know.”
“What?” Bambam said, voice a little louder and more shrill than before. It was dark but Yugyeom could still see the startled expression on his face.
Yugyeom smiled. Cute, he thought to himself. “We don’t have to. I just figured I’m so comfortable with you, and if I was gonna kiss any guy, I’d rather it be someone I’m comfortable with.” It wasn’t a lie. Not the complete truth, but none of it was false.
“No, I understand,” Bambam said, avoiding eye contact. “Maybe we could try it… if it’s something you really want to do.”
Yugyeom couldn’t help but grin, not even bothering to hide it. “Really?” His hand was still playing with Bambam’s hair, and he let it slip down a bit to touch Bambam’s cheek.
He hesitated for a second. “Yeah,” he replied after a few seconds. “Let’s try it.” A timidness filled Bambam’s voice that Yugyeom so rarely heard, and it made Yugyeom’s heart ache.
“Okay,” Yugyeom simply said.
He wasn’t as nervous as he thought he would be in this moment, after all the time of wanting it. His hand cupping Bambam’s face, he slowly inched forward. Softly, he placed his lips on the other boy’s. It was innocent, a simple peck, and he lingered for a moment just trying to memorize the way his plushy lips felt against his own. It was so elementary, Yugyeom knew it, but he didn’t want to push things, especially if Bambam didn’t enjoy it. Reluctantly, he pulled away, moving his hand off of his face too.
It took Bambam a few seconds longer than Yugyeom to open his eyes. When their eyes met again, shyness built up inside of Yugyeom, making his stomach knot up.
“That's it?” Bambam said with a smirk.
Yugyeom giggled, slightly embarrassed. He was thankful for the dim lighting so the other boy couldn’t see his cheeks turning red. “I didn’t know… like, if you liked it.”
“Come here,” Bambam replied sweetly, and Yugyeom took a moment to process it. Once he did, though, he didn’t hesitate, hastily pressing his lips to Bambam’s once more.
This time, it was different. Yugyeom was slightly looming over Bambam, propping himself up a little bit with his elbow. Bambam’s hands immediately found this place tangled into Yugyeom’s hair as they kissed, all remnants of the first tiny kiss completely forgotten as Bambam’s lips moved against his own. Yugyeom had stared at Bambam’s plump lips a thousand times, wishing to know what they would feel like, and nothing he had ever imagined compared in the slightest.
The fire which was now sparked within Bambam contrasted so heavily with how he had been acting during the first kiss that it nearly gave Yugyeom whiplash. This new, fervent feeling was completely consuming him, overwhelming him. It was like they couldn’t move their lips fast or strong enough. Yugyeom began to wonder if maybe Bambam had been thinking about this for as long as he had.
Bambam stopped, holding Yugyeom off for a second. The lack of contact sobered him instantaneously, and he opened his eyes, looking down at Bambam, whose face was overcome with a sly expression. “Is this alright for you?” he asked, sweetness mixing with mischief in his tone.
“Mhm,” Yugyeom murmured, nodding his head. He didn’t want to waste any time. He had been patient for long enough, trying to push his desires down for months. Now that he got a taste, he wanted more.
Bambam pulled him closer again, and Yugyeom felt a tingle in the pit of his stomach as their lips met. He loved it, more than he had even expected, and it wasn’t helping that Bambam was an even better kisser than he could’ve predicted.
He slowed things down a little, sucking on Bambam’s bottom lip. His whole body tingled with satisfaction when Bambam purred out the slightest moan against his mouth. He kept doing it, sucking and nibbling at Bambam’s soft lips, and each time it seemed to drive the other boy even crazier. His hands tugged softly at Yugyeom’s hair.
When Yugyeom finally stopped, crashing their lips together in a kiss once more, Bambam was quick to slip his tongue into Yugyeom’s mouth, and the sensation made Yugyeom feel intoxicated. He moved his tongue against Bambam’s as they kissed, and the hand that wasn’t preoccupied with propping himself up found its way to Bambam’s side, lightly letting his fingertips slip his shirt up and touch his warm, soft skin. At the touch, Bambam hummed softly.
Yugyeom wanted to see how what would really make Bambam tick. His lips slowly moved from their place on Bambam’s mouth to his neck instead. Slowly, almost painfully slow, he started placing kisses down his neck, and Bambam instinctively tilted his head back. He didn’t even try to hide how much he liked it, his breath hitching when Yugyeom’s lips touched certain spots. Yugyeom tried to take note of those spots, wanting to remember which parts of him were sensitive to his touch.
Bambam’s hands were now lazily holding into Yugyeom’s body, one touching his neck and another trailing down his back, softly rubbing up and down. Yugyeom’s lips found his way to a spot right under Bambam’s ear, lightly licking at the skin as he kissed it. He could nearly feel the other one’s heart racing against his lips.
He moved his attention upward just a little, lightly leaving kisses on his earlobe. With a smirk, he pulled away a fraction of an inch. “Do you mind if I leave a mark?” he whispered, letting his breath graze Bambam’s skin as he spoke.
Bambam swallowed hard. “No, no. Please, I don’t care,” he stammered.
At Bambam’s approval, Yugyeom’s lips returned to the spot under his ear, sucking lightly. When he heard Bambam’s breath hitch quietly, he sucked harder, nibbling at the skin a little bit. Slowly, he moved down his neck, leaving a trail of hickeys on his skin. Each time, Bambam would react, sometimes even shuddering at the contact. Yugyeom wasn’t sure how to contain himself.
He returned to Bambam’s lips, and Bambam kissed him back more passionately than before, cupping the other’s face in his hands. Yugyeom pulled away for a moment. “Can you return the favor? I want hickeys too.”
“You don’t care?” Bambam said, eager. “The hyungs will see.”
Yugyeom pecked his lips lightly. “Return the favor,” he repeated.
Without a second thought, Bambam prompted him to lay down, reversing the roles. He now lingered on top of Yugyeom, and within a moment, his full lips were pressed to Yugyeom’s neck. Yugyeom had thought it was silly how many tiny moans Bambam had let out, but now that the tables were turned, he understood, unable to hold back soft gasps. He felt embarrassed, but he didn’t care enough to restrain himself. He let his hand travel to the back of Bambam’s head, holding him against his neck as he sucked on the skin. The sensation was ruling all his thoughts, his whole body. He knew his neck was going to be absolutely littered with hickeys, and truthfully, he didn’t care. He had seen them on Jackson and Jinyoung some mornings too — if they said anything, he would simply call them out.
After a few moments, Bambam peppered a few final kisses on his neck and on his lips, too. He dropped himself down to the bed again, finding his place laying next to Yugyeom. He nuzzled himself closer than ever before, and Yugyeom opened his eyes. He was a little disappointed that it was over.
“No more?” Yugyeom pouted.
Bambam smiled, not even hesitating to leave another kiss on his lips. “Hey, I’m not that easy.”
Yugyeom felt that feeling in the pit of his stomach even stronger. “Do you… think we could do more another time?”
“More?” Bambam inquired, devilish curiosity in his voice.
“Mhm.”
Bambam’s face was close to the crook of Yugyeom’s neck, and he left a few stray kisses there. “Of course. We live together, we have every night ahead of us.”
A chill ran down Yugyeom’s spine at those words, at those thoughts. He closed his eyes, his mind filling with the things that he had always felt guilty to think. He didn’t try to push it away this time.