Work Text:
“This tastes like ass.”
“I’m sorry?” Erwin looks up from his newspaper and peers at his husband across the breakfast table.
“This tea. It tastes like ass.”
Levi glares at his tea with an expression that could curdle milk. Luckily he drinks his tea black.
“Like ass?” Erwin is doing a poor job of disguising his smirk.
“And not in a good way.” Levi adds sternly.
“I thought you liked…” Erwin starts innocently.
“Don’t say it. Don’t fucking say it.”
“Sorry.”
Erwin returns his attention to the local newspaper he’s flicking through on the table.
“Did you rinse the cup properly? You always leave soap on the cups. You have to rinse them after washing or everything tastes like fucking detergent.”
“I always rinse your tea cups after washing them darling.”
Erwin learned the hard way that Levi’s tea cups were to be carefully washed and rinsed by hand. Not just dunked in soapy water, and never on any account to be placed in the dishwasher.
“The tea must be out of date then.”
“No, it’s not.”
“Did you check the date?”
“No, but I know it’s not it of date because I opened a new packet this morning.” Erwin explains patiently. “You finished the last packet last night, remember?”
“Tch.”
Levi continues glaring at his tea cup as Erwin browses through the newspaper, unperturbed by his husband’s mood. He’s always a little short tempered in the mornings before he’s had his first cup of tea. An advert in the newspaper catches Erwin’s eye.
“Oh look, there’s a new Brazilian restaurant opening in town. We should go!”
“No.”
“For old times sake?” Erwin adds hopefully.
“No fucking way.”
Silence reigns over the breakfast table for a few peaceful moments until Levi takes another sip of tea.
“Fucking disgusting. The kettle must need washing.”
“I washed it out yesterday after making lunch.”
“Why were you using the kettle at lunchtime?” Levi peers suspiciously across the table at Erwin. “Did you break your cafetiere in the dishwasher again?”
“No, not since the last time.”
“Why were you using the kettle then?”
Levi’s frown is deepening.
“I was making eggs.”
“Excuse me?”
“I was boiling eggs.”
“And?”
“I was boiling eggs in the kettle.”
Levi gapes at Erwin, mouth hanging open, eyes blown wide. It’s not too dissimilar to the expression on his face when he came last night. Erwin can’t help smiling fondly at the mental image.
“What. The. Fuck?” Levi spits, horror and disbelief dripping from every word. “Why the fuck were you boiling eggs in the kettle?”
“I was hungry,” Erwin replies reasonably. Clearly that explains everything.
“Don’t we have a pan for that kind of thing?” Levi asks, voice laced with cold rage.
“I couldn’t find the lid and I was in a hurry. It worked really well actually!” Erwin continues, pleased with his clever innovation. Erwin prides himself on being a creative and resourceful thinker. “You can fit five eggs in there you know. I just boiled the kettle and then let it sit for ten minutes or so. Perfect boiled eggs! And don’t worry, I washed the kettle thoroughly afterwards.”
Levi’s mouth is hanging open again, face scarlet with fury. Erwin stops.
“Are you all right darling? You look a little flushed.”
“Right that’s it Smith.” Levi snaps. “Divorce. Now.”
He tugs off his wedding band and slams it down on the table. Erwin slowly raises his eyebrows. He’s used to his husband’s theatrics by now.
“You can keep the fucking kettle. I’m having the house.”
That’s when the doorbell rings.
Levi leaps to his feet, marches down the hall and hauls open the door.
“What the fuck do you want?”
The man on the doorstep blanches as he looks down at the tiny ball of quivering fury.
“Umm…. sorry to bother you sir, Water Board.”
He flashes a laminated card at Levi and points nervously to the badge on his overalls.
“Can I help you sir?” Erwin asks smoothly from behind Levi’s shoulder.
“Oh,” the man almost crumples with relief at the sight of Erwin’s calm polite smile. “Sorry sir, Water Board, we’ve going to have to turn your water off for an hour, we’re working on the mains, you might have noticed your water doesn’t taste quite right, but we’ll have it fixed in no time.”
“Thank you for letting us know,” Erwin slides his arm round Levi’s shoulders. “My husband was just commenting that the water seemed a bit off, weren’t you darling?”
Levi glares.
“Well, sorry to bother you sirs.”
The man is already backing away down the path.
“Not a problem, have a nice day.”
Erwin waves at the workman as he departs.
“You’re still a fucking moron,” Levi huffs.
Erwin just smiles and hands his husband the wedding ring that he’d left lying on the kitchen table. Levi slides it back onto his finger with a scowl.
“And you’re buying me a new fucking kettle.”
“Anything you say darling,” Erwin replies, kissing his husband sweetly on the head. “I’d offer to make you fresh tea, but since the water is off, we’ll just have to think of some other way to get that nasty taste out of your mouth….”