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The first six months after Class Black were seamless. A small apartment was given to the both of them by an irate, cheap old man, that apparently cut not a single tenant any slack when it came to fiances, but insisted Haru (and therefore Tokaku) have the apartment for free provided that Haru brought him cookies and had a nice chat with him once a month. They took college courses; Haru studied Social Services and Tokaku studied Tactical Weapons Design, and they did normal things, like make meals together and pick out bedsheets. Well, Haru picked out bed sheets, because Tokaku had no interest in those kinds of things, and also because anything Haru wanted, the salespeople gave her for free. It seemed like an endless cycle, the cheerier Haru was, the more good things came their way, and then Haru would beam and say 'Look, Tokaku-san! Our luck is turning around so much!' and then anyone who hadn't already given Haru whatever she wanted and then some, did so, and those who already did, tried to do so again. It made Tokaku smirk to herself sometimes. Despite all they had been through, Haru didn't seem to notice this. Oh well. Everyone was happy to watch Haru be happy, Tokaku especially.
Maybe that was an understatement. Tokaku felt like she had cheated death but was reincarnated as someone else anyways. The traces of her 'past life' where still there, in the form of unsettling memories triggered by random things, bleak nightmares, and silent rooms that occasionally became jarring, but those things were nothing to Tokaku, compared to the majority of peaceful moments she shared with Haru. It was so easy for her, it seemed like she wasn't even trying. Her memories where interrupted by the soft sound of Haru singing to herself, her nightmares were disturbed by Haru reaching over and clinging to her in her sleep, or alternatively, hitting her in her sleep (for such a delicate girl, she did not sleep delicately). They'd take walks in the woods behind their campus, and the woods would only be eerie for mere seconds before Haru had stuck a leaf in Tokaku's hair and was grinning ecstatically like it was the most entertaining thing in the world, or before she was picking flowers and making flower crowns or saving them to press later. It was the little things that made Tokaku feel like everyday was new; everyday was something to look forward to.
She never thought she'd feel that way. Tokaku had prepared her herself for a bleak, colorless life, one assignment after another, one death or a thousand. Master assassins didn't have favorite colors. Tokaku's new favorite color was pink. Rose pink.
Looking back, she could pinpoint when the shift started. Her eyes were trained to see everything, every seemingly insignificant detail, every slight physical shift in her environment, but no one had trained her on how to put these pieces together when the situation wasn't life or death. She didn't notice it at first. The day things changed was the day they left their one class together, side by side, and Tokaku overheard two worthless college freshman whisper about them like their shitty words couldn't simply be ripped right out of throats.
“If it were me, I could give her a real relationship,” came a hushed voice from somewhere behind her.
Tokaku tensed. She knew they were talking about Haru. She always knew when someone was talking about Haru.
“How do you even know they’re dating? It doesn't look like it to me.”
Worthless Guy number 1 snickered. “I heard it from Hideki. Y'know he always has a sixth sense about these kinds of things.”
“Hmm. Well, it is college, girls’ll do weird things like that before they come to their senses. You definitely have a chance.”
She could almost feel Worthless Guy 1 shake his empty head. “Let’s just hope that blue haired freak loosens her grip on Haru soon, yeah?”
The other one laughed through his nose. “Is that what it looks like to you? I think it’s the other way around. I think Ichinose-kun has a tight grip on Azuma-kun. Ha, she must be quite the witch to tame a beast like Azuma-kun, I heard she’s pretty scary when Haru-kun’s not around.
She never heard the other guy’s response, because all she saw was Haru freeze for half a second, then continue walking with wide eyes. Tokaku tensed; she didn’t think Haru was paying them any attention. She whipped around to beat the shit out of them, but just as quickly, Haru’s hands were on her shoulders, and then she was being dragged away from them. Oh, well. From the looks on their faces, it seemed as though Tokaku’s expression was enough to get the point across. Looking up at Haru, her eyes weren’t big and miserable, they were filled with the determination to get Tokaku to a place where she couldn’t violate the code of conduct and get them expelled, so, mission accomplished.
Tokaku didn’t think about that interaction after that. Why should she? No one else’s opinion mattered aside from Haru’s. By the time she noticed the shift, it was slight, and at first she couldn’t pin point it. Did she fail that test the other day because something happened that day, or was the material simply difficult? Was she lonely with just Tokaku by her side? After all, Tokaku wasn’t very talkative and Haru was. Or maybe it was just the cold weather, she was human after all.
Things did not improve as time went by. Haru was uncharacteristicly quiet and Tokaku found it unsettling; she couldn't shake the feeling that it was her fault. Their eyes weren't meeting randomly anymore, seemed to be smiling less. She swore Haru's voice was getting quieter.
For the first few months after Class Black, Haru would often 'work out' with Tokaku. Despite not actually working out herself, Haru often came and kept Tokaku company while she exercised. She’d make healthy snacks, watch and cheer Tokaku on, or read a book close by and pretend not to be peeking at Tokaku through the pages when she’d lift her shirt up to wipe sweat off her face. Every once and awhile, she'd tentatively ask if she could sit on Tokaku’s back while she did push ups. It didn't hurt at all, Haru weighed almost nothing, but she always acted like it was the biggest treat in the world. She would giggle and squeal with every up and down repetition. It made push ups less mundane.
It was just another Saturday when Tokaku couldn't take it anymore. An hour into her work out and Haru hadn't shown her face at all. Haru’s little visits while she worked out had been getting shorter and shorter, and now she knew she wasn't imagining it. Tokaku cut her work out short, stretched out, then went to their room to find Haru. She was sitting on the edge of their bed, staring out the window.
“ Ichinose?”
Haru jumped slightly and twisted around, quickly plastering a bright smile on her face. “Tokaku-san! I didn't hear you come in! Are you done already?”
Tokaku regarded her cautiously. She didn't understand it but the look on Haru's face was making her uneasy. She had seen her smile, and she had seen Haru cry, but such an obviously fake smile was new, unnatural. She closed the distance between them and sat next her.
Tokaku got right to the point. “ Ichinose, what do you want me to do? I can't protect you if I don't know what I'm protecting you from.”
Haru gave her a confused smile. “Huh? There isn't anything wrong?”
Tokaku pressed her lips together. “There's no point in lying Ichinose. You know I always find out the truth, so save me the trouble and come out with it.”
She looked away and then back at Tokaku, her eyes wide like she was backed into a corner. Haru seemed to understand that Tokaku wasn't letting her go until she got the truth.
Haru swallowed.
“I just...want good things for Tokaku-san,”she said.
Tokaku didn't understand why Haru's voice broke, but she felt in her chest regardless. For whatever reason, Haru was in pain, and somehow it was Tokaku's fault. Of course it was. She could protect Haru's body from so many things, as there was no one more skilled with a knife or gun, but admittedly she was shit at protecting Haru's heart. She searched her mind for something comforting to say, but Haru's rose colored eyes took a glassy tint and her mind went blank.
“Don't be vague. Spit out your real feelings.”
Haru's eyes grew wide and the tears collecting at the corners of her them spilled over. She immediately rushed to wipe her tears away but Tokaku grabbed her wrists. She wanted Haru to look at her; maybe she'd understand if she saw Haru's eyes. Her eyes just looked miserable.
Why, damn it? She wanted to throw something. The sight of Haru crying had always put Tokaku on edge, but this time it was her fault, somehow, and she was frustrated. What should she do to fix it? Tokaku would've done anything, but she was at a loss.
“Ichinose, stop crying. I already told you I don't want to see you cry. Whatever it is, I'm sure it can be fixed.”
That didn't seem to have the comforting effect Tokaku had intended. Haru pulled her hands away and buried her face in them. She hardly made a sound, aside from stray gasps, but Tokaku could see her shoulders shaking.
This was it. When people said “Hell on Earth”, this is what they meant. Damn it all. What the hell did Haru mean by “I just want good things for Tokaku-san,”? She already had Haru, what other good thing could she possibly want for? What else could Haru possible give Tokaku that she felt she was denying her, and therefore had to cry over?
She placed a firm hand on Haru's back. “Enough. Stop crying, I can't stand the sound of it.”
Haru froze and struggled to steady her breathing. Tokaku reached out her hands to rub her back, but she hesitated. She always hesitated. It still felt like she was doing something wrong by touching Haru, even months later. Instead, she quickly pulled Haru upright by her shoulders and let go.
“ S-sorry Tokaku-san.”
“ I don't want to hear you apologize. Hurry and tell me what caused this.”
“ I did,” she hiccuped, “ this is my fault.”
“ What the hell are you talking about?”
Tokaku saw her speak before she heard her.
“ I don't think we should be together anymore.”
Haru's voice sounded jumbled. Was it because she was crying? Or did Tokaku lose it for a second? She slid off the bed and stood up.
“ I see.”
“ I'm so sorry Tokaku-san, I-I, it's all my fault-,” she said, her voice breaking.
“ Shut up. I don't want to hear it.”
Haru clamped her mouth shut and nodded, tears flowing freely from her eyes.
Tokaku’s mind was blank, but her body was boiling hot. She had no damn clue what was going on, but Haru’s gentle crying sounded like nails on a chalk board. Her instinct to fight was rebelling inside of her, but, fight what?
“ Why are you the one crying?” she spat out eventually.
She sniffed and wiped the tears off her face. “It's all my fault. I’m controlling Tokaku-san. I don't know how, but I know that I am,” she hiccuped, “ so I have to do this. I have to let go, because I'm being selfish and I’m not letting you go.”
Tokaku blinked. Oh. That's what this was about? Haru's 'primer' abilities? All the heat drained from her body in an instant; she fought the urge to laugh. Tokaku’s issue with that had been forgiven and forgotten, and she had thought that the issue was settled in Haru's eyes as well, since she never mentioned it, but that scum just had to go and bring it up again. She made a mental note to find him and make him regret it when everything was settled.
“ Haru,” she said firmly, sitting back down next to her on the bed.
Haru squeezed her eyes shut and looked away.
Again, Tokaku took her firmly by the shoulders.
“ Haru . Listen to me carefully. I am not being controlled by you. I am here because I wish to be-,”she said.
“ That's what I’d want you to say!” Haru interrupted, with a touch of hysteria in her voice.
That was hard to argue with, but it didn't change Tokaku’s resolve. She took a deep breath. “You’re wrong. I’m the selfish one-,”
Haru opened her mouth to say something, then closed it, seemingly knowing that that wasn't what Haru would want her to stay.
“Shut up and listen to me. You are not in danger anymore. Class Black is over, you are all set to live your life as a normal woman. There is no reason for our paths to continue on together.”
Haru looked like she was about to start sobbing again, but Tokaku pressed on.
“ And yet, I’m still here. Why?”
“ Because I-,”
“ No. I'm here because I decided that I wouldn't let go no matter what. I decided to be irrational, to be selfish. I was not with you when I found out that you lived, I made the decision on my own free will. You can send me away if you want to, but it wouldn't make any difference. I would return. In a month, a year, a decade. I would come back again, of my own free will, just because I wanted to see you smile again.”
Haru blinked and gave Tokaku a small smile, but she seemed to be working out what she said, still trying to find a way to blame herself.
Tokaku didn't give her the chance. She grabbed Haru’s hands, interlocking them with her own.
“ I'm the one keeping you with me. I’m the one being selfish, and I don't feel guilty. My life...since I've met you-it's completely different. I am always thankful for that. Now that I'm with you, none of the things I knew before you matter anymore.” she said.
She was tempted to say, “Even if you are controlling me, for chirst's sake, you're doing me a favor,” but she held back; it wasn't what Haru needed to hear.
“ I am…” she took a deep breath, “the happiest I have ever been.”
Tokaku exhaled.
Suddenly Haru broke her hands free, threw herself into Tokaku’s lap and wrapped her arms around her neck.
“ I make Tokaku-san happy?” she cried.
She took another deep breath. The words were always present, in the back of her head. They were easily brought to the surface by little things, or by nothing at all. Haru needed to hear them. Tokaku wanted wanted to say them.
“You're so oblivious. Yes. I love you, Haru.”
There was a moment of silence and then she started crying again. It didn't hurt Tokaku’s ears this time. Haru mummbled something through the tears.
“ Speak clearly, Haru. I didn't hear you.”
Haru straightened up a little.
“ I love you too.”
Tokaku nodded, her eyes not leaving Haru's face. There was something else. Something that was also always in the back of her mind, but purposely repressed. She was selfish, and she wanted to. Tokaku was selfish, and Haru loved her anyways. She leaned forward, just slightly, and pressed her lips to Haru's. She felt her jump slightly, but she didn't move away. Instead, she gripped Tokaku's shoulder and returned her kiss.
Soft, like rose petals, and warm like the sun. How fitting.
When they parted, Haru didn't say anything, she simply let her head fall onto Tokaku's shoulder. Tokaku ran an affectionate hand through her hair.
It seemed she was wrong about things being perfect. With Haru having the personality that she did, it was unlikely that the topic wouldn't come up again. As for Tokaku, on the rare occasions where Haru was not with her, there was a possessiveness and an anxiousness that overwhelmed her and was probably not healthy. These things seemed small when Haru was there, in her arms, but they would need to be addressed consistently. Surprisingly though, the thought didn't bother her. If it was Haru, if it was for the life that they had fought so hard for, then they would find a way though, together.~