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One, two, three…
Avi breathed in a deep, shaky breath.
One, two, three, four, five…
Avi breathed out, tapping his finger against his flask in beat with his counting. When he finished that round of breathing, he took another swing of his flask. Man, moon moonshine (is it just moonshine? Double moonshine? The moon-iest shine?) did not taste the greatest. But it did do a swell job of easing the nerves.
Panic attacks were bitches. There was no way around it. They sucked, and Avi wanted to strangle whoever decided they were a good idea. He took another drink before he got up from his usual hiding spot, behind the broken ball they never used, never moved.
“Yes ”, Avi thought, walking back to his usual position on the cannonball deck, “I'll get up, get up and pretend everything is fine. I've done it before and I'll do it ag- ”
His thoughts stop as soon as he sees a messy haired Half Elf walking in his direction. When he thinks again, the only thought is “ shit.”
Johann would see through him. Johann would know something was up. Johan would know, because that's how great Johann is. Avi could only pray to gods he didn't know he even believed in that Johann wouldn't ask any questions.
That failed within the first second of conversation, but luckily it wasn't a question Avi was worried about.
“Uh, hey,” Johann said, eyes on the floor before drifting up to Avi’s. Avi could only hope that the eye contact wouldn't last long; eye contact would not help his anxiety. “What's up?”
“Oh y’know,” Avi says, “the usual.” Technically, he's not lying. “What brings you to my humble abode?” he continues, spreading his arms out to gesture to the deck.
Johann gives a ghost of a smile. Avi loves Johann’s smiles. They're like...like… something really great. Avi doesn't know, if he hadn't had a panic attack a couple of minutes, no, seconds ago, maybe he'd be coming up with a better simile.
“Just thought I'd come down to see you while I'm already out,” the Half Elf says. Avi understands; Johann has days that make it really, really difficult to get out of his dorm. Sometimes the only reason he leaves his room is to feed the Voidfish. “And uh, are you, um, busy t-tonight?”
Now it's Avi’s turn to smile. Johann only ever asks for dates when he has something really cute planned. Everything Johann does is cute in Avi’s opinion. Of course, he's sure to let everyone know that. It's adorable to see Johann blush thirty shades of red every time Avi compliments his boyfriend.
“Actually yeah, yeah I am,” Avi smiles. Johann’s shoulders sink, though not as far as they would if he was 100% sure Avi was serious. “I've got a date with this really great guy.”
Johann’s smile has returned. “O-oh? And when would you like to have this date with this average guy?”
Avi snakes his hand into Johann’s. “Oh, I think the best guy I know should stop by my dorm around, say, 6:30?”
“Sounds like a plan,” the bard says as he lays his head on Avi’s shoulder. In turn, Avi lays his head on top of Johann’s. They look out of the hanger, down at the planet below. They stay like that for a while, and Avi wishes they could stay like that forever, no more stress, no more anxiety, no more panic attacks. Just Johann and him, looking out to the blue, blue planet before them.
Sadly, they're interrupted by three boys everyone knows to be horny. The couple of course hears them rushing down the hallway before they actually see them, but when they're there, the very first thing the trio says is “ooooooo,” like a bunch of twelve year olds. Avi is fairly certain he can hear Magnus singing “Johann and Avi, sittin in a tree-” under his breath.
Both of them are blushing profoundly, and they're heads are up, but they're hands are still clasped tightly together.
“Alright, gay asses,” Taako says, twirling his umbrella, “gay fest is over… for now. Johann darling, we just need to borrow your man for a sec. Director needs us planetside for some minor magical bullshit.”
“I, uh, right,” Avi says, dropping Johann’s hand to launch the Tres Horny Boys. The boys follow, and out of the corner of his eye, Avi can see Johann shifting uncomfortable, trying to decide whether or not he should just leave. Avi throws him a smile, trying to reassure him that he’ll be back in a sec. Johann clearly sees this, because he returns the smile, even if it's much fainter than Avi’s.
“You two are really somethin’” Merle chuckles. Avi blushed some more as the three boys pile into a cannonball, and is still blushing as he launches them very, very fast to their destination on the planet.
There's a few moments of silence, until Johann hesitantly asks, “So uh,6:30?” Avi smiles.
“Hell yeah,” he says, “I can't wait, babe.” Avi plants a kiss on the bard’s cheek. Johann blushed as he leaves, and Avi chuckles as he ponders whether or not his boyfriend was blushing because of the “babe” or the kiss.
It's currently 11:27AM. “ Good ,” Avi thinks, “ I have time for a nap. ” He deserves it, he knows. Panic attacks, after all, are bitches.
Avi takes a very long nap, a longer one than he intended to. When he wakes up, it's around 4:45PM, and Avi mutters a string of swears under his breath. He needs to shower, pick out an outfit worthy of Johann’s beautiful presence, probably get some money together so he can insist to pay for whatever activity Johann has planned, and this and this and this, all in less than two hours.
“Okay, okay, yeah, this is fine,” Avi says, “first things first, sit up-” And he does sit up, only to be greeted by the lovely, familiar pain of a hangover. Perhaps drinking another canteen of alcohol before his nap was not the best idea. Guess he better add taking some ibuprofen to his list of things to do.
Avi takes his headache medicine and takes his shower, except it took him too long to find the medicine and he had to go on a hunt for more soap because, like an idiot, he didn't replace the empty bottle last time he took a shower. Now it was 5:30PM, and Avi had yet to even look at his clothes. And right around now, Avi was wishing he hadn't.
He had just about zero clean clothes. Laundry day was yesterday, but he’d decided to help Angus, boy detective, on his search for the best birthday present for the Director, and had forgotten to do his laundry. Great. This was just great. Avi could feel his hands getting clammy. No , this is fine, he tells himself. He just needs to wear a lot of cologne or something.
But what if Johann doesn't like his cologne , he thinks back. What if he’s allergic and it kills him and, and, and.
No. This is fine . Avi breathes in. Avi breathes out. He will not have another panic attack. He has a date to go on. The clock reads 5:58PM. Shit . He grabs a half decent shirt and slips on some black jeans as he staggers around to find some shoes. He still hasn't found his wallet.
He finds his shoes in the bathroom (must've kicked them off in there before his shower) and his wallet in the pants he wore yesterday. To his dismay, he finds he has 7 gold. He vaguely remembers lending Angus some money yesterday, the young child hadn't brought enough for what he decided was the best possible gift for the Director. Avi couldn't remember what the gift even was because now he's breathing much heavier than he was a few moments ago.
He's standing in the middle of his room and it's 6:13PM and he has a date in just over fifteen minutes and oh god he has no money what will Johann think-
No. Avi breathes in again. The date was Johann’s idea, he’ll probably be okay with paying. Maybe we aren’t even going anywhere we’d need to pay. He breathes out.
But before the breath has even fully left him his thoughts are swarming because what if it is a place they need to pay and what if Johann is disappointed that he doesn’t have any money will Johann be mad at him? What if Johann yells at him? No, Johann wouldn't yell, Johann doesn't yell unless it's something really bad. But what if this is something really bad, what if he notices that he didn’t even bother to wear clean clothes, what will he think? Johann will think he’s lazy and hate him and hate him and won’t want to date someone he hates and oh gods Avi can’t lose Johann, because Johann is everything good in the world and-
Avi falls to his knees, thoughts entering his mind and hitting him, leaving him breathless. He thinks about going for another drink of alcohol, but his canteen is too far away and what will Johann think if he shows up to his date drunk? Avi curls in on himself, hands around his head as though that will make this stop. His breathing becomes fast, too fast, too rapid. He hears knocking, but it's so far away and it sounds like it's coming from the planet down below. What if it’s Johann coming to break up with him, to tell him that he never really cared, he just thought it would be funny to see Avi’s crushed look of betrayal. What if Johann never cared, if everything they’d had had been a lie.
And gods he can’t breathe can't breathe can't breathecan’tbreathecan’tbreathe . He needs, he needs, needs something- no, some one , but what. He thinks he can hear the sound of his door opening and someone entering the room but his thoughts are eating him alive he needs help help him help me save save me what who do I need.
Suddenly there are arms around him, holding him, and someone is moving his hands away from his head, and he hates that his first thought is to shove them away, yell at them to get the fuck away. But he recognizes this smell, this smell of old leather and rainy days and lilacs.
Avi freezes, and tears form in his eyes. He buries his head into his savior’s shoulder, and he can distantly hear Johann murmuring words of comfort to him. He’s playing him playing Avi like he plays his instruments, he doesn’t really care he doesn’t-
Avi holds onto Johann as if his life depended on it, as though if he were to let go, he would be lost forever. The bard is using one hand to run through Avi’s hair, and the other to rub his back. He’s humming a tune he came up with months ago, one he knows Avi loves.
And Avi is crying and breathing heavy and unevenly as he clings to Johann, while he has his second panic attack of the day, and the fifth one that week.
It takes a while for Avi’s breathing to even out, and even longer for him to stop crying. He’s still clinging to Johann, and Johann is still rubbing his back, but looks very, very concerned.
He had knocked on Avi’s door at around 6:25, and had expected Avi to answer the door rather quickly, like he usually does. So, he knocks again. And his boyfriend still does not answer the door. Johann gets the sickening feeling that something is very, very wrong. He checked to see if the door was unlocked, and sure enough, it was. He hesitantly opened the door, and quietly stepped inside the dorm.
Inside he found his boyfriend, the light of his life, his Avi, curled up in a ball in the middle of the floor, breathing faster than he’d seen any person breathe, clawing at his head. If he'd had any side thoughts about anything else, they was gone in an instant, and Avi was the only thing on his mind. And gods , he didn't know what to do. Johann thought back to a time when he’d been in a similar state, a long time ago, when he’d first learned that when he died he’d be forgotten by anyone not inoculated. What had the Director done then? The memory isn't pleasant, but he remembers enough to have at least the smallest idea of what to do.
So Johann kneels down in front of Avi, slowly, cautiously moves his boyfriend’s hands away from his head, and scoops Avi up into the biggest hug Johann had ever given in his life. At first he can feel Avi tense, feels him stop moving, and Johann panics that he’s done this wrong, that he's messed it up. But then he feels Avi melt into him, and Avi is grabbing Johann for dear life, holding onto him like a lifeline. He’s still breathing too quickly, so Johann starts rubbing circles on his back, and runs his other hand through his hair. Avi’s always liked it when Johann plays with his hair, surely it will help comfort him.
It seems to, and after a while Avi’s grip on Johann loosens ever so slightly, and his breathing is raspy from crying, but slower than it was before. He turns his head so he’s facing out, away from Johann. There's a moment of quiet, with Johann still rubbing Avi’s back. Eventually, Avi breaks the silence.
“‘M sorry,” he croaks, his throat raw from crying. Johann stops the methodic rhythm he had rubbing Avi’s back. Avi’s sorry ? “I-I’m really, really sorry.”
“W-what?” Johann asks, “what for?”
Avi is silent, but he is leaning face down into the Half Elf’s shoulder again. “I fucked it all up,” he says, so quietly and so muffled that Johann barely hears it.
Fucked it all up? Fucked what up?
“Fucked what up?” Johann asks. Avi is playing with the hem of his boyfriend’s shirt, head still buried in Johann’s shoulder.
“Date night,” he says, a bit louder than last time, “a-and probably a bunch of other stuff.” Before Johann can even open his mouth to tell him he’s wrong, Avi is pushing himself off of Johann. “I mean, fuck, I never wanted you to see me like… like this. ” He tries to stand up, but he staggers, and Johann grabs his arm to steady him as they both rise to their feet. Avi won't look Johann in the eyes.
“Avi,” Johann whispers. He can tell Avi heard him, by the way he slightly flinches. He looks like a child that's been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. “Avi,” Johann repeats, ever so louder and firmer, “please, look at me.”
And Avi looks up at him, looks him in the eyes, clearly still embarrassed, and looks down again. Johann takes the hand that isn't helping support Avi up, and touched his lover’s cheek. “You didn't ruin anything. You never could,” he says.
Avi looks up at him again. Johann’s eyebrows are knit together with concern, but his eyes, gods his eyes, they have so much love in them. Avi doesn't know why that loving gaze is meant for him. It should be meant for someone better , he thinks, better than me. Johann is still holding his arm, holding his cheek with such a tender touch. Avi opens his mouth to say something, but he realizes he doesn't have anything to say. Nothing he wants Johann to hear, that is.
Suddenly, Johann has placed his head against Avi’s, his eyes closed. “C’mon,” he says, softly, “talk to me, bud.”
And Avi does, he really, really does, but he's scared. Terrified, even. He’s’ scared that Johann won't understand. Won't want to understand. That he won't want to stick around if he doesn't understand.
But Johann opens his eyes, and looks at, no, into Avi. And he looks so ready to listen to any word Avi has to say, ready to try his best to know the meaning behind the words, even if he knows music notes better than words.
“Can we sit first?” Avi asks, voice ever so slightly hoarse. Johann’s lips tug upward as he says, “yeah, yeah of course.” And the hand is gone from Avi’s cheek, but now there was a hand interlocked with his.
They sit on Avi’s bed, backs against the wall, feet dangling over the side, and hands still intertwined. Avi rests Johann’s shoulder, as Johann has on his ever so long ago. In turn, Johann rests his head on top of Avi’s.
And Avi tells him everything. About his awful anxiety, his fear that he's always doing something wrong. About the reason he started drinking, to help with the anxiety. About the panic attacks, and how they just keep coming, one after another, again and again and again. Sometimes Avi has trouble putting the problems into words, and Johann is there, patient as Avi tries to put the pieces together. He holds his hand tighter when Avi chokes up on the hard words, and lightly chuckles when Avi makes some sort of bad joke in attempt to ease the tension. But most importantly to Avi, Johann is there.
When Avi is done, they're quiet, and Avi worries that he's said too much, given Johann too much information at once. But Johann breaks the silence before Avi can think too much on it.
“Hey Avs?” he says. Avi murmurs something that sounds like a “what.”
“You know I love you, right?”
Avi pulls himself upright, and looks at Johann. And Johann is looking at him with so much care, so much compassion, so much love , that Avi is compelled to believe him. So Avi does the one thing he can think of, the first brilliant thought he's had all night.
And he kisses Johann, kisses him with every fiber of his being. He feels Johann tense with surprise, but then he's easing into the kiss, kisses Avi back, proving his words. Avi holds Johann’s waist, and Johann is wrapping his arms around Avi’s neck, and the moment is perfect and magical, if Avi does say so himself.
They stay like that until they need to breathe, and Avi looks into Johann’s eyes, eyes that hold such beautiful hope and happiness and love, and says, “Yeah, yeah I think I do.”
They kiss again, until Johann laughs. Avi thinks it's a sound that matches in beauty to the sight of his smile. “This is a lot better than the date I had planned, y’know.”
“Well this part, yeah,” Avi agrees, “The first part? Not so much. Can ya guess why?”
“Mm, I think I can.”
They laugh as,in unison, they say, “Cuz panic attacks are bitches .”