Archive of Our Own ^beta

Saga’s POV

I regret this. What has happened to me all this time, I believe it has been written down for me. It’s my fate.

Two weeks ago...

Tora was being nice to me. He took me to dinner, he walked me home, and he even kissed me on the cheek. I couldn’t imagine what my face looked like at the time. Before he left, I tugged at his sleeve, stopping him and saying, “Tora, thank you for today.”

“You’re welcome. You know, I’m so glad I can make you happy like this,” he replied.

Then, he left. He left me alone again with this guilty feeling inside my heart. I always felt like this every time I went out with him. Maybe Tora merely considered me as nothing but something small and trivial, of no real importance to him; almost an inconvenience at times. However, I truly loved him. I didn’t care if he already had him first before he had me. For me, as long as I could be with him, I was happy. However, for how long would I be like this?

I feel like I was imprisoned by your love. My lips feel as though they were sealed and I can’t say anything to disobey you.

“You’re mine, Saga. No one can own you beside me!” He hissed to me, his voice full of possessiveness.

I only stood there in front of him, head bowing down. I couldn’t say anything; I swallowed down all his possessive words that he flung at me. I heard him step forward, bringing his body closer to me; he forced me to look up at him.

“I want you to say it, Saga. Who do you belong to?”

I stayed silent; but Tora repeated his question, louder this time, and I could feel his anger in his stance. I could hear the anger within his voice. Completely terrified, I answered him, “... You, Tora.”

“What?! I can’t hear you!”
“I belong to you, Tora,” I repeated.

He laughed after that then he patted my hair, like some pet.

“Good boy.”

I always knew that when this feeling entranced me, a sorrow would entrance me too. It’s like my love for him were dirts and fails to compare to their pure love. Nevertheless, I keep encouraging myself: it isn’t wrong, I’m not wrong. How can my love be considered wrong? Is it just because I’ve come between them?

Lately, Tora acted very different towards me. He was no longer nice to me and he often ignored me, preferring to be with him to being with me. Yes, I knew that he was his first and real boyfriend. Unlike me, the man who happened to be Tora’s mere secret lover. I was nothing but a fuck buddy to him; but Tora never knew about my true feelings towards him. He didn’t want to know.

Should I feel guilty because I love Tora who was already with him? Now I feel like I were a whore who lowers himself, begging for his love to be returned. I merely tried to play with fire at first. However in the end, I couldn’t extinguish it, I got burnt.

“Quit me, Tora. It’s all wrong,” I said that to him, at last.
“Why do you think that?” Confused, he asked me.
“Hiroto is innocent. He really doesn’t know about us. He’s our friend, Tora. I don’t want to make him sad,” I reasoned.
“Heh, do you think I really believe you? I know you’re saying this because in some way, you think I’d feel some sort of sympathy for you. Then, I’d break up with Hiroto. Therefore, you could have me for your own; you being my one and only, right?”

My eyes widened at his words. I couldn’t believe Tora said that to me. At the same time, Hiroto entered the toilets. The look on his face, I bet he had heard what we were talking about just now. Tora was so surprised by Hiroto’s sudden appearance that he suddenly pushed me away as he walked towards the approaching man.

“Hiroto, hey babe. What are you doing here? Let’s go.”

Before they left, I saw Hiroto cast a hateful glance at me. That time, I felt so hurt.

I often hear voices inside my mind, blaming me because of what I’ve done. No one stands beside me to support me. They all look at me with disgust. Am I really that disgusting? Oh, I really have to stop this.

“Tora, please. I want to stop this. Don’t make me feel more confused,” this time, I knew I sounded so desperate.
“Why do I have to keep hearing this? Listen, Saga. I’ve talked to Hiroto. He has understood,” Tora tried to reason with me.
“No, Tora. Just quit me, will you? I can’t stand this anymore!”

Tora slapped my cheek. It was so hurt. I lifted my hand to caress my cheek. The pain was still there, but no tears came. I couldn’t shed tears anymore and it was because of him.

I know it’s my entire fault. I started this. Since the beginning, I knew that my decision was wrong, but it’s too late now. I’ve trapped myself in this kind of situation. Tora loves Hiroto so much. Tora doesn’t love me, but I really love Tora. Nevertheless, I know that if I kept forcing myself to be with him, I would be suffering all the time.

That’s why I know that this has to be stopped. No more love triangle. No more ‘I love Tora’. No more crying Hiroto. Yes, I’ve seen Hiroto crying, just days ago. He cried right in front of me. He begged me to give Tora back to him. I can’t make him sad anymore. I like Hiroto; Hiroto is like a little brother to me. At that time, I looked down at him as I wiped his tears away from his eyes.

“Hiroto, if only I could, I would break up with him immediately. But—”
“But? You just don’t want to give him back to me, do you? I know you’ve seduced Tora all this time. You’re the one who made him leave me,” Hiroto raised his voice.
“Hiroto, it’s not like that at all, you have it all wrong. You can’t blame me for all of this; Tora needs to take a responsibility about this too! He—”
“I don’t believe you, Saga! And stop blaming Tora! Tora is not wrong! You are!”

See? All of them have lost their sympathy towards me. No one is here for me. No one to comfort me, to support me, to love me. Love triangle is unfair. I hate this love triangle. I hate myself, too. I’m unworthy of anything anymore. I look up at my nightstand, searching for anything, which could help me. If Tora doesn’t want to stop this, I must stop it myself. I extend my hand and take the razor blade from my nightstand table-top. I look at that sharp thing thoroughly. I swallow hard. Then, I bring down the razor blade to my wrist. It feels so painful, really painful. Still, I keep slicing my wrist with the razor blade in my right hand. If this is the only way for me to stop all of this, so be it.

I no longer believe in anyone. I’ve been betrayed by everyone. I only believe in my heart. And my heart says... I have to stop this. Good bye, Tora...