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The moment your eyes fluttered open, I had sighed in relief. At the time, I didn’t know that my punishment had begun as well. A punishment; for the most terrible thing I had done to you. A punishment; for nearly causing you to die. The scar on your left wrist was never going to vanish. It was still there, visible for you and me to see. As if, it wanted to be a memento of all the things that had happened between us in the past. A painful memento; as it would cause my heart to bleed every time I saw it. The scar on your left wrist was evidence of how deep your love for me truly was. Nevertheless, I had wasted it away. I was the one who gave you that scar...
***
I glanced at my watch and noticed that it was already 10pm. I should have been going home by now, but Hiroto prevented me, saying that he still wanted me to stay.
“I don’t feel like staying the night in your place tonight, Hiropon,” I said to him.
“Why?”
He looked up at me and I was surprised to find the sadness on his face.
“I...don’t know. I just don’t feel like it.”
“You know, Tora? I think what we have is wrong.”
“For God’s sake...”
I rose up from the couch, waving my hand in disbelief.
“What the hell is wrong with you people? A few days ago, Saga told me the same thing. Now, you’re saying—”
“Because it is indeed wrong!”
Hiroto had risen as well, glaring at me.
“You’ve heard it yourself, Hiropon. I thought you’d have understood.”
“Yes, I did. That is why I could say that to you. One person cannot have two people at once just because he or she loves them both, Tora. It’s against nature. Love triangles should never happen!”
“Then what do you want me to do?!”
“It’s either you quit him or I’ll beg Saga to give you back to me! Isn’t it Saga himself who asked you to break up with him?!”
“Why should I do that?”
“Because it’s for our sake, you moron!”
“Do you know, Hiropon? The last time he asked me to quit him, I slapped him across the face. Now shut the hell up or I’ll do the same to you!”
“You’re a greedy bastard! I don’t know you anymore! You are not Tora! Where has my gentle Tora gone?!”
Gentleness was something that I had never given to you. If I had, it was fake. Should I regret it?
Tears flowed rapidly down Hiroto’s cheeks, but I turned my gaze away from him. I could feel my eyebrows knitting together; my head suddenly felt painful.
***
“But? You just don’t want to give him back to me, do you? I know you’ve seduced Tora all this time. You’re the one who made him leave me.”
“Hiroto, it’s not like that at all, you have it all wrong. You can’t blame me for all of this; Tora needs to take a responsibility about this too! He—”
“I don’t believe you, Saga! And stop blaming Tora! Tora is not wrong! You are!”
I had never had the intention to eavesdrop on their argument. Neither had I meant to leave my precious Hiroto. I just felt that maybe I was indeed a greedy bastard. Hiroto was right. I couldn’t have them both. I shouldn’t. One should step out of this sinful circle and I guessed it was meant to be me. Neither Hiroto nor Saga should suffer any more.
Was I too late? I guessed I was...as the scar wouldn’t have existed at all if only I had done the right thing sooner. Then again, was the thing I had done right in the first place? Who could answer my questions?
~*~
I thought I was dreaming when I got a phone call from Nao that night. With the whole ordeal I was facing, I just wanted some peace. To think, to weigh up the options I might still have, to fix—if only I could—everything. Nevertheless, the loud ringing of my mobile phone was like the fatal sound of the Last Trumpet that would raise the dead from their graves in order for them to receive the judgment from God as to whether they would go to heaven or hell. Hesitantly, I held up my mobile phone and put it close to my ear. I didn’t need to press it right onto my ear, because Nao was practically shouting.
“Go to Tokyo Hospital! Now! Saga is in a critical condition!”
I could swear that my eyes widened upon hearing the news. Saga...my Saga—was in a critical condition? What the heck had happened?!
“Wh-what?! What happened, Nao?!” I voiced out my thoughts.
“He...he sliced his wrist, Tora. I don’t know why he did it, though. Just come here as soon as possible, will you?” Nao pleaded.
I couldn’t remember whether I answered Nao or not. I only remembered that I had quickly dashed out of my flat and run to my car, heading to the hospital. I couldn’t find a reason that might cause Saga’s suicide attempt. Even though to be honest, a thought did cross my mind: Was it because of me?
~*~
The first thing I got once I arrived at the hospital was a hard punch from Shou. I fell down onto the floor, blinking my eyes a few times, as I tried to regain my composure. Shou had straddled my hips and was ready to hit me again. If it weren’t because of Hiroto who pulled him up off me, I would have been beaten up by my own vocalist. Really, I hadn’t even yet figured out what kind of a situation we were in now, but Shou had already punched me so hard.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing, Shou?!” I shouted furiously at him, pulling myself up to my feet.
I flinched when I saw his murderous glare at me. That was when I noticed the bloodstains on his white shirt. He stepped forward to me, but Nao immediately wrapped his arms around Shou’s body.
“Don’t do anything reckless, Shou,” I heard Nao tell him.
“It was me...” Shou started, “I was the one who found Saga on his bedroom floor, covered in blood...dying.”
I could feel my eyes widen again. Hiroto’s presence beside me was forgotten for a while.
“Where were you, Tora?” asked Shou, I could hear a tinge of anger within his voice.
“I—”
“Do you know what came out of his lips the moment I found him, Tora? It was your name...and then he completely lost consciousness. Only God knows whether he will ever wake up or not!”
My sight was blurry and Shou’s voice became distant. I felt warmth on my cheeks and I realised that it was my own tears that blurred my sight. I could barely feel the pain when my knees hit the hard surface as I fell down onto the floor again. I felt a hand touch my shoulder. I turned my head to the left and saw that it was Hiroto. I saw his lips moving as he spoke to me, but I couldn’t hear any of his words. Had I become deaf?
“I want to see him,” was the reply that escaped my lips to Hiroto’s words, whatever they were.
“No, you can’t,” I saw Hiroto shake his head.
“There’s no way I would let you meet him, murderer!” Shou input his own thoughts into the conversation.
“Shou, enough!”
Murderer? Yes, maybe that was what I truly was. My forehead creased and the headache attacked me again. Everything had become hectic around me and I just wanted to escape from it. If only I had the power, I would have been digging my own grave on this cold floor with my own two hands now. Let the earth swallow me; that was what I wanted. However, was I really that cowardly to the point I wanted to run away from my own problems?
~*~
“Tora...Tora, did you hear me?”
Feeling ashamed, I wiped my tears off my face with the back of my hand. It was Nao who had spoken. I looked around and found that Hiroto and Shou were nowhere in sight. Where were they?
“They went to the canteen. Hiroto offered to calm Shou down because...”
“What?”
“You were spacing out, Tora. Hiroto said that he couldn’t bear the sight and decided to go with Shou instead. Tora, tell me. What were you thinking? You scared me to death by spacing out like that. I thought...I thought you’d gone insane, but then the nurse came and examined you. She said that you were just shocked.”
“I want to see Saga.”
“That doesn’t answer my question, Tora.”
“Let me see him,” I demanded.
I wondered if it was really me who spoke those words to Nao, as it sounded so lifeless and cold. I didn’t look at Nao’s face; my eyes were focusing on my obscure reflection on the ceramics floor instead.
“Well, before I let you meet him, I should tell you one thing, Tora.”
This time, I looked up and stared at my drummer’s face.
“Thankfully, Saga has passed the crisis, but...he’s not in the best condition right now. Whatever happened between you and him before that might cause him do this entire thing completely, please, don’t bring it up.”
Once again, I didn’t know whether I answered him or not. Next thing I knew, I was already standing in front of Saga’s door. Nao opened the door for me and let me in, although I could tell from the look on his face that he was reluctant to do so. I heard Nao close the door behind me. He was watching me behind the glass window, but I tried to ignore him. I shifted my gaze away and found that I was stood beside Saga’s bed. The sight in front of me was too painful to behold before my eyes. The one I loved was lying in a hospital bed, unmoving with his eyes closed. I reached out to touch his hand, surprised by the coldness of his skin. For a moment, I thought the worst had happened, but then Saga stirred. He fluttered his eyes open very slowly and I heard myself sigh in relief. I saw Saga open his mouth to speak. However, what came out from his mouth was enough to make me break down in front of him.
“Why didn’t they just let me die?” His voice was broken and strained.
Never before in my life, had I cried that hard in front of anyone. I dropped onto my knees, burying my face in the bed sheets as I held Saga’s hand so tight. My sobs were so incredibly loud to my own ears and I’m certain that they could have deafened me; and between my sobs, I begged him to forgive me.
“Forgive me, Saga. It’s my fault that you became like this. Please, forgive me.”
Was I worthy enough to be forgiven?
***
“It’s good that Saga is beginning to heal, isn’t it?” He began the conversation as soon as we entered the kitchen.
“Yeah...it’s good indeed.”
“I still love you, Tora...”
I looked up at him, a bit surprised.
“Don’t get me wrong. I love you as a brother. No more and no less. I realised that we weren’t meant to be. It was hard to let you go, I admit. However, Saga needs you more. Will you take care of him, Tora?”
It took me a while to come up with a response.
“Yes, I will. I love you too, Hiropon, as a brother.”
For a moment, I thought he was going to hug me, but he merely smiled and walked past me exiting the kitchen. I did nothing but follow behind him.
~*~
We all ended up watching a rented DVD. Nao rented some and we chose to watch a western film entitled ‘Blood Diamond’ first. I knew only Leonardo DiCaprio in the said film; the man who got the main role as the hero in the legendary film entitled ‘Titanic’. Then again, who didn’t know him? ‘Blood Diamond’ was quite a serious film that made almost all of us doze off, Saga in particular. Apparently, he was still too weak to stay up too long. I didn’t know about the others, but I myself enjoyed watching the film. It was pretty good for me, full of action and intrigue. One by one, my bandmates excused themselves to leave. I decided to stay and finish the film. There was no way I would leave Saga alone in his current state.
It was so quiet in Saga’s living room now, save for the noises coming from the TV. I fetched the remote and turned the volume down. The movement seemed to have caused Saga who had fallen asleep to stir. My left hand instinctively flew up to his head that was resting on my shoulder, patting it lovingly. In the months when I had been dating him, I discovered that Saga was a quiet sleeper. Nevertheless, it was different now. I heard him sniffle. I felt my eyebrows furrow as I called his name in a whisper.
“Saga...are you awake?”
I got no response, but then he spoke. Saga was actually speaking in his sleep.
“It hurts, Tora...” he mumbled.
My heart skipped a beat. What could possibly hurt him in his dream?
“Please, don’t slap me anymore. Forgive me.”
The words brought up the painful memory of that day; the day when he pleaded to me to quit him, but some kind of madness seemed to take over me and I slapped him hard across the face instead. How I wished I could turn back time, but I was only human. I could only hold him tighter, failing to prevent my tears from falling as I did so.
“Forgive me, Saga...”
***
“Hiroto, it’s not like that at all, you have it all wrong. You can’t blame me for all of this; Tora needs to take a responsibility about this too! He—”
I should have barged in and settled everything out that time. I should have taken the responsibility by letting them both go, so that there wouldn’t be anyone suffering anymore. I suppose I was too cowardly, after all. I had run away instead, trying to find some peace within the havoc I had caused. This was a punishment that I was dealing with, not a chance as I had thought it was. The light within Saga’s eyes had subdued, giving him no more spirit to live his life for anymore, not even when his friends and family were all by his side to support him. Who caused it? I did.
~*~
“What would you like to eat for lunch, Saga? I could buy it for you.”
I looked up upon hearing Nao’s friendly voice. Saga had returned to his normal activities now, just like the rest of us. We practiced, we composed new songs; life simply had become normal like the old days. One thing seemed different, though. Despite his improvement, there wasn’t a cheerful Saga anymore.
“Thanks, but I’m not hungry, Nao,” I heard Saga answer.
“But you need to eat, Saga,” Nao insisted.
“In that case, I’d like to eat a sandwich, then.”
“Only that?”
I saw Saga smile and nod as a reply, but that smile of his was different compared to the ones he would flash to us back then. This one was lifeless; fake.
“Well, I’ll go now. Just wait here, okay?”
“Hai. Arigatou, ne.”
“Iie, daijoubu. Uhn, Tora. Will you mind keeping an eye on him whilst I go with Shou and Hiroto? I’ll buy you something for lunch, too.”
“All right, Nao. Thanks.”
As Nao exited our practice room, I saw the look on Shou’s face. He still had yet to forgive me. Not that we hadn’t become civil to each other; but it was just too polite and awkward, the way we acted around each other. Everybody seemed to have developed a scar within their hearts, which was caused by my selfishness. Even Nao did too. In my precious band now, I felt like being an outcast. Never mind. It was my punishment, after all, wasn’t it?
~*~
For the past few weeks, I had been shamelessly staying in Saga’s flat. Not that he minded, though. Yet, to tell the truth, it was somewhat painful to live together with the one you loved in the place you had been familiar with, but your loved one showed no reciprocity to your feelings anymore. Whilst cooking supper, I took glances at Saga who had very kindly decided to accompany me in the kitchen. He was playing with Chiko as he sat on one of the chairs. For some reason, I envied Chiko. Chiko was the only one who still had Saga’s sincere love.
“You love Chiko so much, don’t you, Saga?” I asked as I put the vegetables into the pot, the water boiling and producing some bubbles as it did so.
“Yes, I do.”
I turned to see him smile as he answered me.
“That’s good, ne?”
“Hai.”
“Chicken is naughty sometimes, but I love my cat too.”
“Because pets’ love for their masters is unconditional, ne? Humans can’t love other humans like that. It’s sad, but that’s the truth.”
I stopped from my current activity upon hearing his honest opinion. I didn’t know why I felt bad because of it.
“… Yeah, you’re right.”
~*~
In the past few nights I had been sharing a bed with him, Saga had never slept facing me. Not even once. It wasn’t like that back then. Now it seemed like there was a barrier between us, separating us from being close to one another. Tonight, he slept with his back facing me again. Even his habit when he was sleeping had changed. Saga was now always curling up and hugging himself whilst sleeping. As if, he was protecting himself from anything that might harm him. One night, I tried to reach for him. I wanted to hold him close to me like the old days again. However, my conscience told me not to do that for Saga’s own sake. I could only watch him sleeping from behind, no longer able to touch him in the way I used to do to him. Then again, had I always been so rough to him back then? I realised I had never even made love to him properly. I had always fucked him from behind senselessly. Although he had never complained, I could tell now that there must have been hope in him for me to stop.
I was brought back from my reverie by the soft whispers that escaped Saga’s lips. So, tonight was one of those nights when Saga would become delirious. I drew closer to him, just enough to hear his words.
“I’m sorry...I’ll go.”
Where would you go, Saga? For what reason? Whom were you apologising to?
“It hurts...”
What hurt, Saga? I felt a pang in my heart when I heard him sniffle. That was when I came upon the decision that I had to break the wall that separated us. Slowly, I sat up and reached for Saga’s body. I turned it carefully and now Saga was lying on his back. I held him close, my left hand reaching out for his. I brought it up to my face and the moonlight shone onto the scar on his left wrist. I burst into tears. I buried my face in Saga’s hair, muttering endless apologies to him.
“Forgive me, Takashi...I made you like this. Please, forgive me.”
I was still holding Saga’s left wrist in my hand, blindly brushing my thumb against the ugly scratch across his smooth skin. This scar was never going to vanish, I knew it. Between my sobs, I heard myself whisper into Saga’s ear.
“I love you. I always have.”
As another drop of tears fell down my cheek, I mentally repeated the words that had been my prayer ever since you were revived and given a scar that retied our bond: “Don’t let me make the same mistake I made before ever again.”
-The End-