Chapter Text
1800’s
The first time I ever met Kotori, I’d been stumbling home from a long day of work. The sun was beaming down upon me, sending waves of heat towards my struggling body in huge groups. There was sweat rolling down my arms and I found it hard to walk. Breathing heavily, I stopped to sit outside a large house.
I leaned back against the stone wall behind me, closing my eyes and turning my head upwards to face the sky. It seemed that pinning my unruly, blue hair up had done nothing to prevent the heat from affecting me. It was then, as I sat with my chest rising and falling heavily, that she first approached me. I heard the sound of hooves to my left, causing me to open one eye out of curiosity.
A dark carriage came to a halt in front of the gate. I wanted to look away, I even wondered if I should leave, but I was entranced by the carriage. After all, I’d never been able to afford such a luxury before, and it was rare for me to see something so beautiful up close.
A petite girl stepped out of the carriage, her pale hand clutching her skirts. She climbed down gracefully, thanking someone behind her, before the carriage left. Her skirts were a mint green in colour, almost engulfing her small body. Pale, white skin protruded from amongst the green, alongside a full head of hair that appeared to be an ash blonde.
“Can I help you?” A soft voice spoke through the silence. My eyes instantly met golden ones, eyes that sparkled in the intense sunlight. “You look exhausted.”
I shook my head, “I’m fine, thank you.”
The girl released her skirts, allowing them to once again dance along the ground. She walked towards me, her small hand outstretched. “Why don’t you come inside? It seems you need a break from this heat.”
“Thank you,-“
“Kotori.” The blonde-haired female smiled at me. “Call me Kotori.”
We grew closer as the time passed, spending more and more time together. I learned more about Kotori, about how she came from a wealthy background. I learned that the house I had sat outside of was the house she’d inherited from her parents. I even learned that Kotori was betrothed to a similarly wealthy man, from a household she didn’t yet know.
I was eventually invited to be her maid. Kotori insisted that it was because she wanted me to earn more money, and thus live a better, healthier lifestyle. Deep down, I hoped that it was because she wanted to spend more time with me. I hoped that Kotori cared for me the same way I cared for her, though a smaller part of me knew it was impossible.
I soon grew to love Kotori and everything about her. I loved how her voice was always so quiet and melodic, even when she argued with someone. There was so much passion within her, passion that she loved to share with anyone and everyone. Everything about her was enticing and beautiful.
As much as I wanted to confess to her, I knew that I couldn’t. Not only was she already engaged to a man that I would eventually work for, but it was wrong. My feelings for her were wrong. It wasn’t right for a girl to love another girl. If she knew how I truly felt, she would only turn me away, she would tell me that I was disgusting.
But there came a day, when I had accompanied her on a trip to a nearby lake, that I found myself unable to withhold my feelings anymore. As she had crouched down beside the clear water, her hand drifting along the cool liquid, I had forced myself to say something.
“Kotori,” I addressed the female. She turned to face me, her eyes wide. A gentle wind lifted her hair as she stood up, straightening her back, causing a small smile to stretch across my face. “T-There’s something I want to say.”
“What is it, Umi?” There was the ghost of worry and concern within those beautiful eyes of hers. I took a deep breath, wanting nothing more than to take her hand in mine. I wanted nothing more than to hug her tightly, to hold her body against my own.
But I refrained.
“I-I love you, Kotori.” I blurted aloud, inhaling deeply as I shied away from her gaze. There was the sound of uncomfortable silence as she registered the information I had presented to her, and I felt my heart slowly crushing inside of me. “I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but I do.”
“Oh, Umi…” Her soft, melodic voice whispering my name was enough to bring tears to my eyes. I knew what she was going to say next, and I didn’t want to hear it. Before I had even said anything, my mind had been telling me that it was a bad idea.
I should have kept my mouth shut. I should have kept my feelings hidden. Now that Kotori knew how I truly felt, she would only shy away from me. I would lose my job as her maid, and we would go back to being strangers, just as we had once been.
“It’s okay, Umi.” She suddenly grasped my hand in her own. My eyes shot open, widening as they met her golden ones. She, too, had tears in her eyes. Her small mouth was pulled into a sad smile. “I feel the same way. I love you, too. But we can’t be together.”
“I know,” I breathed.
“If possible, I’d like for you to stay by my side. We might not be able to be together in that way, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be friends.” Kotori continued to be optimistic about the situation, her voice sounding somewhat regretful. I nodded gently, unable to speak, unable to even breathe after being faced with a reality more painful than what I had previously imagined.
It would have been bad enough having to be besides her, knowing that I loved her and she didn’t feel the same way. But knowing that she loved me in return, and knowing that we couldn’t act upon our feelings, was enough to enclose my heart in despair more painful than I had ever imagined.
Even so, I did as she asked. I remained by her side, always serving her and supporting her. There were times when we would steal glances, short looks that were filled with secret feelings, but nobody ever noticed.
I remained by her when she got married. She wore a beautiful, white dress that made her look even more like an angel. It took my breath away, to the point that I forgot how to breathe as she walked down the aisle. Tears threatened to run down my cheeks as I watched her say vows to someone that she didn’t love, to someone other than me.
Her new husband moved into her inherited home, settling in as if he had been there the whole time. It became harder to talk to Kotori, as she was always occupied with business, or attending to her husband. It became harder to share secret looks with her, as her eyes were always looking at her husband, convincing him that she adored him, and nobody else.
Even so, there was never a moment where she wouldn’t smile.
Then, one day, I was called into her main office. It was the place she spent most of her day, working and talking with her husband about work. I walked into the large room to find her sat at a desk. She stared down at the polished wood with wide eyes, her mouth hung open.
Instinctively, I made my way over to her. I wanted nothing more than to take her hand in my own; I hoped to offer her some kind of reassurance. Kotori looked up at me with wide eyes as I approached.
“I’m pregnant.” She whispered.
I was overjoyed for her. As much as it hurt me to know that there was no place for me in her heart, I was happy for her. I congratulated her with a false smile, refrained from pulling her into a hug, and promised that I would do whatever I could to help.
She and her husband spent the next few months planning for the new baby, and preparing for Kotori to go into labour. I was busying myself with work in the kitchen when it happened, but I immediately rushed to aid Kotori when I first heard her shrieks. I stayed right beside her as she gave birth to her beautiful baby.
The contractions were especially painful for her. As she laid there, sweat rolling down her forehead, she finally reached for my hand. Her smaller fingers gripped mine, tightening occasionally as she was hit with another contraction. It was the first and last time she would ever properly hold my hand.
As she breathed heavily, the midwife passed the screaming bundle to me. My face had stretched into a grin, my eyes lighting up at the sight of Kotori’s stunning child. It was a baby girl. A baby girl that, even from such an early age, looked just like her mother.
“She’s beautiful,” I breathed, staring down at the reddened bundle with wide eyes. Kotori’s daughter grasped one of my fingers, squeezing tightly as I fought to keep my tears at bay. “Kotori, look,-,” I turned to look at the blonde-female, prepared to hand her the child.
But she was no longer there. Her pale hand hung limply to one side. Her eyes were closed, her lips parted ever so slightly. Even so, she wasn’t breathing. Kotori, the person I had dearly loved for so long, had died giving birth to her husband’s child. He hadn’t even been there throughout her labour.
Every day, it hurt me to see her child growing up without her. It hurt me knowing what had happened. But I kept moving forward. I knew that Kotori wanted me by her side, as her maid, for as long as possible. So I continued to work within her household, always watching over her child.
I loved her daughter as much as I could. I stayed beside her as she grew up, always asking questions about her mother, always desiring to know more. There were times when she would ask me what her mother had been like, and I would reply as honestly as possible, trying my hardest to keep my tears at bay.
Even as I grew older, even as it became harder for me to work, I stayed beside Kotori’s daughter. I remained beside her until the very end, until the time finally came for me to join Kotori. And I knew that, somehow, we would find each other again.