Chapter Text
"Wait! Please wait! Stop!" Evan cried out fumbling for Connor's arm in a last-ditch effort to retrieve his letter, mind racing. He froze realizing his hand was wrapped around the pale, lanky teen's forearm. "I-I...I'm sorry!" He apologized profusely jumping back like he’d touched a hot stove. His eyes filled with familiar hot tears.
Connor hugged his arm to his chest, his face mirroring a fearful child.
“I can...I can explain, I swear.”
"Fine," Connor mumbled, "but I swear to god I will kill you if you're fucking with me." His slender hand clutched onto the letter like a his lifeline.
Evan curled into himself, shoulders slumped as he stared into the dirty navy blue carpet beneath his feet. "Those...those letters are to me, I-I swear, it's just, you see, my doctor...she, my doctor told me to write them. I-I have to give them to her at my n-next appointment– it was supposed to be today!" Evan scratched the back of his hand and pulled on the hem of his blue striped polo anxiously. Looking up for a fraction of a second, only to return his gaze to the floor. "Please give it back, I need them an-and I didn't mean to–I wasn't trying t-to hurt you and the things about your s-Zoe is that she seems nice and I-"
Connor looked at the letter in his hands, it’s sharp edge pressing into his palm.
"-and you signed my cast, and that was n-nice, but now I've...I've ruined it like I ruin everything!" Evan paused letting his brain catch up. He was standing in front of Connor Murphy, the brother of the girl he liked, babbling like a lunatic.
Besides the low hum of the air conditioner, silence clouded the computer lab. Connor shoved the letter into Evan’s hands and silently stood there. Picking at his already chipped nail polish, his shoulders slumped. Connor tilted his head, letting a curtain of messy brown hair shield his face. “Sorry. Yeah.”
Evan fumbled with the letter, shoving it into his backpack, grimacing at his feet in embarrassment. The final school bell rang meaning all students should be on their way out, but they just stood there. Until Connor cleared his throat.
"Well, shit I don’t know, bye." He finally said adjusting his shoulder bag and speed walking out of the building. Evan looked up to see him leave and prepared to escape as well. Quickly making his way to the door, he noticed something where Connor had been standing, a ring. He picked the silver metal ring up, noticing an engraving on the outside. I can try to change, but I just stay the same. And another on the inside. Mother Mother. He wasn't sure what it meant. It looked expensive. Evan pocketed it thinking about slipping it into the Connor’s locker, or perhaps handing it to him in the halls-no, the locker would be fine. Taking another step towards the door, his cell rang. The caller ID read Jared Kleinman, great, he didn't need this right now.
"My mom said I should start giving you rides home, I mean, after all, you're ticket to parent paid car insurance. So..."
Evan bit his lip, he could never tell if Jared was joking about the car insurance thing. It didn't seem like it. "N-no I'm...I think I'll just walk."
Jared snorted. "What? Why? It's like ninety degrees out there."
"I just n-need to clear my head."
"What for? Isn't it empty enough up there?"
"Stuff."
On the way home Evan explained the computer lab incident over the phone, aware how close to tears he was most of the conversation. His (family) friend didn't say anything except for the occasional "mhm" or "and?" before letting Evan continue.
"So you accidentally let him find your weird sex letter?! That psycho's gonna fucking kill you; Connor Murphy is batshit out of his mind!" Jared laughed. "Remember when he threw a printer at Mrs. G in second grade because he didn't get to be the line leader that day?"
He vaguely remembered Connor pushing the printer onto Mrs. G's foot and the truth getting construed into some weird delinquent story. He'd never talked to Connor before today, but Evan had never seen proof of him being crazy. Just evidence of him being misunderstood or made fun of or lashing out, he didn't think that was crazy, but then again he was crazy.
"Evan, how do you get yourself in so much shit? How the hell did you manage to get the school psycho to hate you?"
"I-I don't know, please s-stop shouting and don't–maybe don't–it’s wrong to call people that..." He pulled his key out of his backpack, shaking as it entered the lock.
"Right. Well, I have to go, homework." Jared sighed hanging up before Evan could even say bye.
He breathed a sigh of relief, home at last. His mom wouldn't be home until almost midnight, so dinner was a problem. He hated ordering pizza, it wasn't that he didn't like pizza, but that the fact that he had to open the door and have a conversation with pizza deliverer while fumbling around with the cash was somewhat intimidating. Slowly taking off his shoes and placing them next to the door he strolled towards the kitchen. He sighed as he picked up the $20 bill next to a note from his mother about ordering some dinner for himself. Why am I so pathetic he thought, looking in the freezer for some microwaveable food. There were frozen peas, ice cream, ice packs, and a single ice tray-not much of a dinner.
Giving up on the thought of dinner, he walked over to his backpack unzipping the top pouch for his phone. Just got home he messaged his mom, hoping she wouldn't worry too much about him. Like any good student would do, he pulled out his calculus book and started working on whatever homework he been given. First math, then English and, to top it off on a good note, environmental studies, or as Jared liked to call it nature freak class.
Directing himself back into the kitchen, he shook his head realizing that he wasn't going to take a chance and order anything that might conclude in an awkward encounter. It's not like he was too hungry or anything, he'd just eat a bigger breakfast in the morning. The eerie silence that filled the house stayed uninterrupted when Evan caught himself walking upstairs to the bathroom. He stared at the mirror keeping eye contact with his reflection. Evan didn't like his nose (too round), or his lips (quite large), or his (slightly chubby) face, or anything. He continued to glower at the mirror loathing himself. Looking away he walked towards his room noting that it was almost nine o'clock. If he wanted to be at least a little bit well rested, he should be in bed by 10.
Covering his cast and plastic, he stared at Connor's name in bold black capital letters. He adjusted the temperature of the shower so it was just hot enough that it wouldn't burn him. Stepping in, the feeling of the entire day rushing over him filled his thoughts. Connor Murphy pushing him, then Zoe Murphy apologizing for her brother, Connor later apologizing to him and signing his cast than finding a letter and everything falling apart and Evan screaming for someone to understand-this year wouldn't be great. Years were never great, days were never great, weeks were never great, nothing was ever great for Evan Hansen because Evan Hansen couldn't take being happy.
He let go of the breath he didn't know he'd been holding and stopped the shower, trembling. He grabbed his pills and swallowed one dry
Replacing his tan pants with grey sweats and his blue striped polo with a ratty T-shirt he got under the covers, making sure to put the ring on his nightstand. Like every night he turned on the light and picked up one of his books to read until his eyes hurt. He always studied about trees because the trees made him feel like he was clean of all negative thoughts - just like his lungs were cleared of carbon dioxide - his brain was removed from anything that made him feel like he wasn't allowed to live. He always had to remind himself of that, he was allowed to live.
His room was small with light blue walls and warm brown wood furniture. Papers littered his desk, some crisp newly printed letters and others crumpled old-school notes. They didn’t have much money to decorate, but he did have a shelf of cacti he’d accumulated from the various packages from his dad. Like sorry for abandoning you and your mom, have a cactus. And another cactus. Heck, take two. A cactus for every Christmas, birthday, and Valentine’s day.
He read about Picea pungens-or better known as Blue Spruce-not only was it Colorado's state tree, but it grew up to 75 feet in the wild. He should have climbed one of those last summer. Bristlecone Pine, which was highly resilient to hard soil and harsh weather. Resilient, a word so distant from Evan. When he finally felt sleepy, he put his book on the nightstand and turn off the light. Finally closing his eyes all he saw was Connor's face, blankly staring at him with an expression of fear or maybe disgust. His eyes snapped open. He thought he was over that, but he was never over things. The ring lay on the nightstand as he glared at his ceiling. Why did he care so much - he always cared too much. Evan turned to the clock on the bedside table, it was only eleven, and his mom would be home in a about an hour. He took a deep breath and let his eyes bore into the ceiling. His mind raced back and forth, searching for something to focus on. Picking up his phone he searched “I try to change but I just stay the same” Mother Mother . It was a song. Mother Mother was a band. Mindlessly selecting an album with a fish on it he sighed. The group was interesting, a little strange, but enjoyable. By the end of the album Evan heard the garage door open, and his mom’s car drive in. Fumbling for his phone, he stopped the music and turned on his side hoping he could pass as sleeping.
Evan closed his eyes listening to her footsteps down the hall.
“Evan? You didn’t eat a-” She opened the door and sighed audibly. Sitting on the edge of the bed she ran a hand through his hair, giving a quick kiss to his temple. “Good night, sweetheart.” Closing the door behind her, his mom let him sleep - because she thought he was.
Opening his eyes, Evan grimaced. He didn’t like lying to his mom. She was his everything, and he was just a burden. To keep her up to lecture him was a waste of her needed energy. His hand traced Connor’s name on the cast in the little light he had. Hopefully tomorrow he could slip the ring in the locker without getting noticed by anyone, especially Connor.
Maybe he could talk to Zoe again, except this time they wouldn’t be talking about her brother. Not that he didn’t like Connor, he barely knew the guy, but having a normal conversation with Zoe would be nice. They could talk about jazz band...and maybe something else. Hopefully, he’d be able to think of something else.