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“Do you love me?”
It was late morning, or probably even noon by now, and they were eating breakfast in the lounge while watching another episode of whatever anime they’re currently watching. Phil was sitting cross-legged, the bowl of cereal balanced on one knee and he mindlessly scrolled down the dash when Dan shot him the ridiculous question.
“Excuse me?” Phil lifted his eyes to see that Dan has changed his initial position and is now facing him, one leg under his body while the other is resting on the ground. Both his phone and his bowl of cereal seemingly long forgotten on the armrest. “Don’t let the bowl fall down again,” Phil reminded him in lieu of ignoring the question.
Dan wasn’t having it, though.
“Do you love me?”
“What has gotten into you, Dan?” Phil was half curious and half exhausted. Existential Dan was a force to be reckonned with, let alone first thing in the morning.
“Of course I love you, you’re my best friend.” Dan rolled his eyes and then returned back to watching him closely.
“Not like that. I mean… do you love me?”
What the hell? Phil couldn’t recall anything he’d done that could’ve brough this on. He long ago accepted that certain things will never happen and made his peace with it. There was no way Dan picked up on something because there was nothing to pick up on.
“What are you talking about, Dan?”
“You haven’t had a girlfriend, that I know of,” Dan started.
Phil laughed. “Just because you never saw me with a girl-”
“For the seven years that we’ve been living toghether,” Dan talked right over him. “And don’t you dare tell me otherwise, we know everything about each other, surely I’d know about a girlfriend.”
Phil sighed. “Well, that still doesn’t mean-”
“And at your age, people would expect you trying to find a spouse and starting a family...” Dan was slowly loosing his calm and raising his voice a bit. Normally that would mean he’s getting excited but now… Phil wasn’t sure what was happening.
“Dan, have you been reading the phanfictions again?” He asked exasperatedly, trying to understand where this is coming from and maybe stirring the conversation to another direction.
“Phil.” Dan sit up a bit closer, now basically kneeling on the couch, sitting on his heels. “Phil, you’re a 30 years old man and you’ve been sharing a flat with your best friend for the past seven years. Don’t tell me you haven’t thought about getting married, getting a dog, having a child… You are at that age, Phil. Why don’t you go around looking for someone to settle with? It’s just… it came to my mind and I can’t stop trying to figure it out. How come you don’t want that? And then I realised… maybe you already have that. Maybe… maybe you’re quite content on eating breakfast at lunch hours while lounging and watching anime. Maybe you don’t want your life to drastically change. Maybe you found what you want in your future… with me.”
Dan got increasingly quieter and the final part of his speech was almost whispered. He was looking Phil in the eyes the whole time, but Phil lost it about halfway through and was now staring at his hands frozen in his lap, desperately trying to figure out his way out of this.
Dan noticed, of course he noticed, and shuffled even closer. He reached out and took one of Phil’s hands into both of his.
“Your hands are cold,” he said, warming it between his palms. “Are you okay?”
All Phil could do was lift his eyes to meet Dans. He didn’t feel like there was any expression on his face but Dan seemed to see something anyway.
“Talk to me,” Dan said and it was kind and understanding. But it wasn’t… it wasn’t loving. This wasn’t Dan’s way of approaching the topic with a happy end in his mind. This was searching for the truth and trying to understand it. And Phil could never resist those eyes when they were like this.
“What do you want me to say? That I’ve been in love with my best friend for about the past five years? Believe me, Dan, I tried, I resisted, I tried to get rid of it. But at some point I just gave up. I accepted that certain things won’t go away… The same way as I accepted that certain things won’t ever be and… and it’s okay, you know. I’m okay. We’re okay. I’m not unhappy, if that’s your concern. As you said, I’m quite content.”
Phil found that actually saying it was in fact quite relaxing. He felt that a bit of his soul was lighter, somehow.
“I don’t feel the same,” Dan whispered and it didn’t sound mean. It sounded… sad, almost. Like that realisation was the worst tragedy that’s ever met him.
“Oh, Dan, I know that!” Phil smiled, aiming for reassuring. “It’s okay, really. If I ever though that you might feel the same, I’d try, you know?” That’s gotten a laugh out of Dan as well, so Phil internally celebrated a little victory.
“Oh, I’d love to see you try and woo me,” Dan smiled and squeezed his hand a bit. Then his smile grew wider and his eyes got that tilt of something mischievous. “Actually... Why don't you?”
“Dan…!” Phil was about to protest whatever his friend comes up with but Dan didn’t give him a chance.
“No, Phil, hear me out. It’s not like I don’t already love you. Granted, not like that, but… I can learn to love you the way you do!” He was so excited Phil felt almost bad bursting his bubble.
“Dan, I have never in my life heard anything as stupid as what you just said.”
“No, listen. I love you as my best friend, I love you as a part of my family, as something that’s always here and will never leave, I see you as a part of my future even as it is… I do love you. And it’s not like you’re a chore to look at,” he said with an exaggerated wink. “I don’t mind touching you. I do enjoy the rare hugs or whatever. And it’s not like I haven’t thought about men before, you know that…”
Oh did Phil know that. There were times when Phil though Dan was saying things just to wind him up, and he felt like he was mostly right, but… there was a certain element of self discovery to Dan’t ironic remarks. But that still doesn’t change the fact that there was never anything between the two of them. There was never a spark, never anything serious. They flirted, yes, but that was mostly friendly and a lot exciting, but none of them meant it seriously.
“Dan… That doesn’t change the fact that you’ve never looked like that at me. And frankly… I don’t feel like participating in an experiment that could cost me my heart.”
Honestly, how surreal can this conversation get?
“Do you not want to try, though? I’m not promising this will be the love story of the century but… at the same time, I’m really hoping it could.”
And there was something in the tone of his voice, or maybe it was the long lost hope? That got Phil to sink back into the cussions and say:
“Of course I want to try, Dan. I don’t particularly enjoy wondering when you’ll find a lovely girlfriend and move out and leave me to my suffering.”
Dan leaned back to the couch as well and intertwined their fingers.
“Romance me up, then, Philly.” He smiled and said it very, very gently.
Phil couldn’t help his own, slightly disbelieving smile. Is this really happening? He lifted the hand that wasn’t in Dan’s and slowly reached out to Dan’s hair. He slid his fingers through the soft curls and down the side of Dan’s face to his cheek which he gently cupped. Dan had his eyes closed, a little smile on his lips and Phil has never seen anything this beautiful. He told Dan that, making him cringe and slightly blush and Phil fell in love all over again right then and there.
It wasn’t until Dan opened his eyes and Phil saw his reflection in them that he realised just how close they were sitting, slumped on the couch, facing each other. His hand was still caressing Dan’s cheek, his fingers reaching behind his ear into the short hair there. Dan was now looking at him intently and it seemed that he was actually trying to look at Phil differently, or maybe he wasn’t even trying. He had a look on his face unlike any other that were ever aimed at Phil.
“Do you want to kiss me?” Dan whispered and Phil startled a bit. It didn’t even occur to him that he could do that. Could he?
“No,” Phil whispered back. To Dan’s confused face, he explained: “I don’t want to kiss you just because you allow it. You’ll kiss me when you want to. No sooner, you hear me? I don’t want us to kiss just because you think I want to. I want you to want it too. And… we both know that’s not the case right now.”
Dan smiled at him. “I wouldn’t be opposed, though. And surely I would enjoy it, too.”
“But you don’t actively want to.”
“Not necessarily, no.”
“Then we wait until you do.”