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Rei can’t accept it, no matter how many times Makoto-sempai tells him it’s alright. I put both of us,*all* of us in danger, he thinks, hands fisted in the fabric of his shorts. The horrible guilt has been clenched in his chest ever since that night, in spite of everyone’s attempts to reassure him. Even Haruka-sempai seems to have forgiven him, but what has Rei done to deserve that forgiveness? If only there was something he could do to deserve it, maybe then he could accept it, but.
“You don’t need to worry about that,” Makoto-sempai had said when Rei had asked him, gentle-eyed and smiling as always, but somehow being looked at with that kind expression in spite of what he’d done had only made Rei feel worse. “It’s alright, you don’t have to make it up to me.” He’d laid one broad, warm hand on Rei’s shoulder. “It’s more than enough just to have you alive and safe. Please don’t worry about it anymore.”
If only it was that simple, Rei thinks. He bites his lip, feeling a lump building in his throat. He has to do something to make it up to Makoto-sempai, and to thank him for trying to rescue him even though it meant facing his worst fear. Rei has thought over it countless times since Makoto-sempai’s confession that night - how much it must have scared him, and yet he’d come straight to Rei’s aid anyway. That had been nothing short of heroic, really, and Rei can’t help feeling he hasn’t made himself worthy of such a noble act. He has to find a way to convey the depth of his gratitude, and his remorse, to his captain.
Which is why he’s alone in their tent, knelt in seiza atop his bedding, waiting for Makoto-sempai to come back. His heart is pounding, and there’s a persistent nervous flutter in his stomach. There had only been one thing he could think of to make things up to Makoto-sempai - what else did Rei have to offer that he would possibly want, after all? - but the thought of it is conflicting, to say the least.
It isn’t that he’s not attracted to Makoto-sempai. Makoto-sempai’s swimming isn’t as beautiful as Haruka-sempai’s, but he’s certainly beautiful in form, with his broad chest and sculpted muscles, and he’s always been warm and kind, and incredibly patient with Rei despite his slow progress as a swimmer. Rei has found his heart fluttering every time Makoto-sempai’s gentle smile is turned toward him. He’s entertained plenty of secret fantasies about what it might be like, in theory, to sleep with him. Many of them had replayed themselves in his mind unbidden when it had been decided that Makoto-sempai would be sharing a tent with him. Rei doesn’t not want to have sex with him, that’s for certain.
But at the same time, something about offering himself to Makoto-sempai like this doesn’t feel right. Or at least, it doesn’t feel the way Rei had imagined it would. In all of his theoretical study on the subject, not once had he thought he’d feel so nervous as to be almost sick to his stomach. It’ll be fine, he tells himself, trying to will his nerves to settle. It’s Makoto-sempai, there’s nothing to be worried about.
Before he can think on that any more, though, he hears footsteps outside the tent, and Makoto-sempai’s voice as he bids Nagisa-kun and Haruka-sempai goodnight. Rei clenches his fists tighter and steels himself for what he’s about to do. The door to the tent zips open, and Makoto-sempai ducks down to step inside. “Oh, you’re still up?” he asks, genial as ever, and Rei finds he can’t hold his gaze. His face goes hot and he lowers his eyes to the floor of the tent, trying to summon the courage to speak.
“...Rei?” Makoto-sempai’s voice is softer now, tinged with unmistakable concern, and though Rei can’t see his face, he can perfectly picture the worried expression he must have. “Are you alright? What’s the matter?”
“I…” Rei’s stomach twists and his mouth goes dry. “I really still think I should do something to make it up to you for the other night, Makoto-sempai.”
“Rei, no,” says Makoto-sempai, kneeling down in front of him on the sleeping bag. “You really don’t have to, it’s alright--”
“It’s not alright!” Rei interrupts, suddenly overcome with frustration. He jerks his head up to look at his sempai. “I don’t deserve your forgiveness, after being so foolish and putting the whole team in danger like that! I haven’t even thanked you properly!” He expects Makoto-sempai to interrupt and protest, but he doesn’t; he just looks at Rei wide-eyed and listens to him. The sight of his earnest expression makes Rei start blushing again, and he looks back down at his lap. “I can’t just accept it and go on as if nothing happened. I have to do something for you.” He unclenches his fists from the fabric of his shorts and lifts his hands slowly to unzip his jacket, trying to keep his fingers from trembling as he bares his chest.
“Please, Makoto-sempai,” he asks, still not lifting his gaze as he slips his jacket down to expose his neck and shoulders. “Let me give myself to you.” Rei’s heart is racing so fast he thinks he might faint, and the seconds seem to drag on for ages as he waits for Makoto-sempai to respond.
“Oh, Rei,” says Makoto-sempai at last, his voice as soft as Rei has ever heard it. He moves closer and Rei’s body goes tense with anticipation, but when Makoto-sempai reaches for him, all he does is gently ease Rei’s jacket back up to his shoulders and zip it closed again with careful fingers. Rei looks up at him in confusion, his heart still pounding, and Makoto-sempai puts his hands on Rei’s shoulders. “I don’t want you to do that,” he says, and the statement is firm but his voice is gentle, and his eyes are full of sincerity and compassion.
“You… You don’t?” Rei should, in theory, feel awful about being rejected, but he doesn’t. If anything, he feels almost hopeful.
“No, I don’t,” Makoto-sempai repeats with a shake of his head. “Not when it’s clearly not what you want.” He cups the back of Rei’s neck with one hand. “Look at you, you’re trembling,” he says, and Rei sees his eyes starting to glisten with tears. “I like you very much, Rei, and I don’t ever want to take advantage of you. You don’t have any obligation to give yourself to me, or anything like that. Okay?”
Relief hits Rei like a blow to the chest, the feeling flooding over him so quickly that suddenly everything he’d been trying to keep inside - all the guilt and shame and unease - rushes out of him at once, and he starts to cry.
“Come here,” says Makoto-sempai softly, wrapping his strong arms around Rei’s shoulders to hold him steady. Rei buries his face in Makoto-sempai’s shoulder and throws his arms around his back, clinging to his shirt. He feels Makoto-sempai’s embrace tighten, and a moment later there’s a soothing hand running slowly up and down the length of his back.
“Shhh,” he murmurs, working his other hand into Rei’s hair and stroking gently. “I’m sorry, Rei.” Makoto-sempai’s voice is thick with tears. “I haven’t been listening to you as well as I should have. I just wanted you to know that I forgave you, and that I didn’t expect anything more from you, but I ended up dismissing your feelings. I’m so sorry.” He caresses Rei’s back for another moment, and Rei tries to slow his tears and catch his breath. “You said you don’t think you’ve thanked me properly; are you wanting me to understand how grateful you are?”
“Y-Yes,” Rei stammers through his tears. “I mean, you must have been so scared, but you came to help me anyway…”
“I was more scared for you,” says Makoto-sempai, laying his cheek against the top of Rei’s head. “I’d have done anything to save you.”
“I know,” says Rei, his heart fluttering from how tenderly Makoto-sempai is treating him. “And th-that’s why I need you to know how thankful I am, because…” Rei sniffles. “Because you’re wonderful.” That probably doesn’t even make sense as a reason, but Rei can’t think of any other way to say it.
Makoto-sempai just smiles, though - Rei can’t see his face, but Makoto-sempai’s smile is audible somehow, accompanied by that soft half-chuckle of his. “You’re wonderful too, you know,” he says, giving Rei a gentle squeeze and then reaching between them to tilt Rei’s head up and look in his eyes.
Rei should feel mortified, frankly, to be seen like this; with his face streaked with tears and his eyes probably puffy and swollen he’s probably distinctly unbeautiful. But Makoto-sempai is looking at him like he’s something beautiful and precious, his smile so warm and fond it makes Rei forget all about how disheveled he must look. He raises one hand to Rei’s face and brushes away his tears before leaning forward to kiss him on the forehead. Rei’s heart flutters again and his face goes hot. “M-Makoto-sempai…” He looks up and sees that Makoto-sempai is blushing too.
“Rei,” he says, resting his hand at the back of Rei’s neck again. “Would you like to stay in my bed with me tonight? Just for sleeping, I mean, not anything else.” Makoto-sempai’s eyes take on that serious, sincere look again. “I don’t want you to say yes unless you really want to do it, though, okay? You don’t have to, and I’ll like you just as much whether you do or not.”
For a moment Rei is too stunned by how considerate Makoto-sempai is being to respond, but eventually he manages to nod. “Yes,” he says, his face still flushed. “I… I’d really like to, Makoto-sempai.” Nothing sounds better than being held by Makoto-sempai right now, when he’s still feeling a little raw and unsteady.
Makoto-sempai smiles. “Alright,” he says, stroking his hand a short way down Rei’s spine before moving away, but he looks as though he feels the loss of contact as keenly as Rei does. “Let’s get changed, then?”
“Oh, o-of course!” Rei stammers, scrambling to find the shirt he’d slept in the night before. He hadn’t planned on wearing it tonight, so he’d put it away in his bag with everything else. He takes it out and unzips his jacket again - his hands don’t even shake this time - and pulls the shirt on over his head. Rei turns back around just in time to see Makoto-sempai doing the same thing, pulling that familiar faded red-and-yellow t-shirt over his broad torso. He’s seen Makoto-sempai without his shirt enough times that this shouldn’t embarrass him anymore, but somehow it makes him blush all the same.
Makoto-sempai sits down and turns back the covers on his bedding, slipping his legs beneath the blanket before looking over at Rei and beckoning him with an outstretched hand and a smile. Rei’s cheeks go hot again, and he moves closer to Makoto-sempai, hesitating a little before moving from his own bed to Makoto-sempai’s. He clears his throat as he lifts the blanket. “Pardon me,” he says, and as he gets into the bed he hears Makoto-sempai chuckling beside him.
“There’s no need to be so formal, Rei,” he says. “It’s only me.” He puts his arm around Rei’s shoulders and turns his head to press a soft kiss to Rei’s temple. Rei’s heart is fluttering again, but not with nerves this time - he’s just overcome by how warm and gentle Makoto-sempai is being with him.
“S-So, ah, how do we…” Rei flounders for a moment, adjusting his glasses out of habit. “I’ve never shared a bed before, or studied the theory on the best positions, but…” He looks down at the two of them and tries to analyze the situation. “It would appear that we have at least one too many arms to be completely comfortable.”
Makoto-sempai laughs. “Well, you’re not wrong there,” he says. “I think we can make it work, though, here…” He lies down on his side and rests his head on the pillow, laying one arm out in front of him and reaching the other up to guide Rei down beside him. Rei does his best to follow Makoto-sempai’s lead, and once they’re properly positioned, the two of them are lying facing each other, with Rei’s head half-resting on Makoto-sempai’s upper arm.
“You’re certain this will be comfortable enough for you?” Rei asks. “I wouldn’t want to cut off your circulation…”
“Don’t worry about that, it’s perfectly alright,” says Makoto-sempai. He wraps his other arm around Rei’s back to pull him closer, tucking Rei’s head beneath his chin. “What about you, are you comfortable like this?”
Rei feels himself blushing again - as close as their bodies are, he’s all but nuzzling Makoto-sempai’s chest. “Y-Yes, Makoto-sempai, this is perfect.” He takes a moment to calculate the best positions for his own arms, and reaches one over Makoto-sempai’s waist to hold onto him, feeling his strong back muscles through his shirt. He leaves his other arm between them - there’s no other place to put it, they really do have too many arms for this - and curls his fingers into Makoto-sempai’s shirt.
Makoto-sempai lets out a pleasant-sounding sigh that sends a flutter through Rei’s chest. “I’m glad you wanted to do this,” he says, sounding sleepier already. “I didn’t want to let go of you.” He gives Rei a gentle squeeze, and Rei feels warm all over.
“I didn’t either,” Rei murmurs into Makoto-sempai’s shirt. They’re both quiet for a moment after that, and Rei is half-sure Makoto-sempai has fallen asleep, but then he speaks again.
“Rei?” Makoto-sempai’s voice is softer this time, and less sure. “If you need to get up during the night, could you wake me up so I can come with you?” Rei feels Makoto-sempai’s arm going tense around him, and hears the note of fear in his voice. “I just… I don’t want to wake up and see you gone again.”
Rei feels a twinge in his chest at hearing Makoto-sempai sounding afraid, but at least there’s something he can do about it. “Of course,” he says quickly, stroking his hand over Makoto-sempai’s back the same way Makoto-sempai had done for him earlier. “Of course I will, Makoto-sempai, I won’t go anywhere without you.”
Makoto-sempai relaxes again. “Thank you.” He tilts his chin down to kiss the top of Rei’s head, but doesn’t bother moving back afterwards, just leaves his nose and mouth half-buried in Rei’s hair. “I’m so glad you’re here, Rei,” he says, warm and fond, and Rei can tell that it means several things at once - I’m glad you joined the club and I’m glad you’re safe and I’m glad you’re here in bed with me right now.
“I’m glad, too,” Rei replies with a smile. The tense feeling in his chest that’s been plaguing him finally fades, replaced by the warm happiness he feels just from being so close to Makoto-sempai. He lets his eyes flutter shut, lulled by the soft rhythm of Makoto-sempai’s breathing, and falls asleep still smiling.