Chapter Text
Jon had never really believed in the whole soulmates thing. The idea that your soul was connected to that of another who you would love completely. Someone that you had never met suddenly becoming the person that you would never want to leave for no reason... Jon just didn't buy it.
His father and Lady Catelyn were soulmates with matching silver circles over their right shoulder blade. He had never seen Lady Stark's mark but he had seen his father's when he was younger and the Lord of Winterfell had be stripping off his sweat soaked shirt after training. It was true that Lord and Lady seemed to be very much in love but Jon himself was the evidence that that was all a lie. He knew he wouldn't be the only bastard of a soulmate either.
There were those in the world that were unmarked and still found love with another. Only around half of the people in Westeros had the soul marks but unmarked people still got married and had families. Then again, Jon didn't have much faith in love either. He didn't really think that it was a practical concept. Sure he loved his father and his brothers and sisters, but that was a very different love to that Catelyn and Eddard Stark shared.
Catelyn Stark didn't love him because of who his mother was, because of the proof he showed that soulmates weren't a reliable thing. It wasn't because of who he was as a person. Robb loved Jon as an act of rebellion against his mother. Arya, Bran and Rickon were too young to understand what he was and as soon as they were then they would no longer see him as they did. They wouldn't ask where their brother Jon was. They'd ask where the bastard of Winterfell was, or they simply wouldn't ask at all. They would turn out like Sansa.
So no, Jon Snow never had faith in what he saw was such a fickle and trivial emotion. It meant that on his sixteenth name day when the mark appeared he was horrified and angered at the universe rather than ecstatic like the majority of the population of Westros. Who would want a bastard as a soulmate anyway? He couldn't imagine anyone who could happily be his soulmate.
The mark was what looked like a pattern of flames that encircled his entire right wrist. It was blueish of colour and more intricate than any other soul mark he had seen. Most were either silver or a silver-gold, only occasionally were they any other colour. He hadn't seen many soul marks, only his fathers and those that weren't covered by clothing. None of them had been more complicated than a few lines and none of them had had colour.
He didn't want it. He didn't want what it implied. He didn't want an unusual soul mark most of all. Jon sat in his room that morning for longer than usual just hoping that no one would miss him- which was unlikely. He just stared at the mark, running his fingers over it and rotating his arm to get a look at every angle. Every minute that passed was another minute that allowed the panic in his gut to slowly build. He didn't want this, he didn't want a soulmate. And so he put on his leather gauntlets, his black leather gloves, donned his furs and cloaks and stepped out into the cold air of the North having made up his mind that he would hide the mark forever.
He was only half way down the corridor when he got pounced on by Arya and Bran, something that he wasn't very surprised about. The two looked at him excitedly, full with energy and hope and burst out together, "do you have a soul mark?"
For a second he looked down at his two half siblings and gave them a rather forced smile. He didn't want to have the mark and knowing his family, or the younger ones at least, they would try to find his "other half". But he could see how much they wanted him to have the mask and lie he told hurt.
"No. Sorry to disappoint but I don't have a soul mark," Jon lied. It was almost as if the mark on his wrist was burning, like flaming image it took on, as he denied it's existence.
"Oh," Arya said in disappointment as Bran just offered small smile. They wished him a happy name day, giving him each a quick hug before moving on again, skittering down the corridor with energy levels that only children of their age could possess.
The bastard took a second to watch them, the weight of the situation forming a knot in his gut. How could he do this for the rest of his life?
__________
As soon as he walked out into the courtyard, Robb swooped down on him. Smiling as brightly as the southern son, he grabbed Jon's arm and pulled him over to where their father was standing expectantly. Robb had got his mark a few months before on his sixteenth name day, the mark bringing him great pride. His was three silver overlapping circles directly over his heart.
"Well?" Robb asked as soon as they had reached Ned Stark.
"Well what?" Jon asked, feigning ignorance.
"Do you have a soul mark Jon?" Ned asked kindly despite the blatant avoidance. He knew that the reason they were having this discussion here and not at the breakfast table was because Lady Stark would not want to know.
"No Father. I haven't," Jon lied easily, it didn't matter to him as much as it did to his little brother and sister. He still didn't understand why it was quite so easy though considering it was his father he was lying to, the honourable Eddard Stark, Lord of Winterfell and Warden of the North.
As he said those words he watched Robb's face for a reaction out of the corner of his eye, watched it as it dropped and his father nodded in contemplation. There was almost a look of sadness on the face of the Warden of the North, almost as if head hoped that Jon would have someone... Again the mark burned, or at least Jon thought it did. Was it guilt? Soul marks didn't do that normally did they?
He didn't particularly like lying to the few that cared. But he didn't want a soulmate either. He didn't want to have to love someone. If he wanted to find someone to spend the rest of his life with he wanted it to be his choice.