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It was a friday night. Earlier in the day, Eva had sent Adam a text telling him that the whole squad could come to a party tonight. From what Yousef had understood, a friend of hers was organizing it and there were supposed to be people who had already graduated from Nissen. Since they had nothing planned for the night, the guys accepted to come right away.
Yousef was more reserved. He was tired, and he didn't really want to party right now. All he wanted to do was go home and watch a movie or sleep. But the guys all urged him to come : « the party seems awesome » they had said.
Yeah, it seemed like a big party where they didn't know anyone and everyone would look at them as if they were intruders or thieves. Yousef always felt like he was the only one to think about this stuff. After all, they didn't know Eva's friends, and from what he knew about her, she was a rich white girl living in a rich white neighborhood. And rich white neighborhoods weren't always the most welcoming when it came to people like his friends and himself.
Anyway, it appeared he didn't really have much of a choice. That's how he found himself walking towards a big white house he didn't know on a friday night, sipping on an energy drink Mikael and him were sharing.
The thing that comforted him was that Sana was probably going to be there. She was going to be there, and he knew she would feel excluded too, because he noticed. He noticed how she looked at him sometimes and he felt like she understood how he was feeling, not even needing words. He knew that just looking at her would make him feel better about his night, and he would go home feeling at least a little bit better.
When they finally arrived, Adam sent Eva a text in which he asked her to come down and welcome them so that they wouldn't look like they were just disturbing the party. There was quite a lot of people smoking and drinking beers outside. It seemed like the house was overflowed by students. Both Eva and Noora appeared at the door at some point, smiling. They welcomed them in and introduced them to the host of the party, a boy named Chris who used to go to Nissen. While his friends went and tried to cross the crowd in the main room, Yousef stayed and chatted for some time with Chris and Eva. The host was actually pretty charming, even though his ego appeared to be pretty big and his hand glued to Eva's butt.
Yousef escaped by telling them he had to go to the bathroom, which he did. The relative silence of the first floor was great, and for a few seconds he considered staying there until someone noticed he was gone.
He still didn't feel good about this night. He had read about social anxiety before and what he felt right now seemed pretty close to that. Yoused inhaled and exhaled slowly a few times and got out of the bathroom. He needed to talk to someone he knew and felt like he just needed support, any kind of it. He tried to regain his composure while walking down the stairs. Noticing a door (probably the kitchen) in one corner of the room he walked in, Yousef walked straight to it. He needed a fresh drink, something that would cool him down.
He pushed the door open. Biting one of his finger nails, he entered the room, expecting to find one or two couples making out against the kitchen island. All he found was a boy talking to Sana. Suddendly all he heard around him was white noise. They both looked so into their conversation that Yousef didn't want to interrupt. Making as little noise as possible, he closed the door behind him, still looking at them.
Sana was apparently laughing at something he'd just said. Yousef didn't know how to feel, really. He wasn't expecting this at all. Seeing Sana laugh made him feel good inside, but the fact that he wasn't the cause of her smile made him sad, in a way. They seemed to know each other really well. He'd never seen the blond boy around, and Yousef realized that he really didn't know much about Sana's life. He knew her face features by heart, the way she dressed, the way she talked to her brothers and parents. He gleaned information here and there, and the little things she said or let out when he was around her were the only things he knew bout her. Not that Yousef was a stalker or anything, but hearing about Sana was always something he loved. Every little thing he learnt about the girl was a clue to break the mystery that he felt had always surrounded her.
She was impressive and pretty in her own way. Delicate and strong, always trying to be right and always fighting to be. Yes, Yousef found Sana fascinating. And he liked her. He liked how she made him feel, and how in one look she could make him uncomfortable or happy or angry. He liked how everytime she walked in on him in their kitchen, she tried to make him feel at home, just because she knew his fucked up parents were the reason he was always there. He liked Sana. That was a fact he couldn't deny to himself. However, he apparently didn't know her that well.
She was talking when the boy raised his head and saw Yousef. Sana kept on talking, which wasn't really usual to Yousef : when he was around, she always seemed to be very quiet. And when she talked, she chose her words well enough not to have to talk for too long.
Yousef looked at the boy with a blank expression on his face, trying to seem totally normal and at ease in this situation. The thing was, he just wanted to know who the guy was. What were they talking about exactly ? Why did Sana seem so happy around him ? Why was she talking so much ? Yousef was jealous. He just wanted to be in this guy's place. He wanted her to notice him, to talk to him, to laugh at his jokes. But she didn't. He wasn't supposed to be mad or sad, and he didn't want to be. Yousef should have been happy for her. He tried, he really tried for a moment.
After a few seconds of Isak looking at him, Yousef decided that if he really wanted to seem normal, just had to take a soda in the fridge and walk away. That's what he did, but before he even tried to go back in the main room, he heard :
-Hey, I'm Isak !
The words were loud in the almost empty kitchen, and directed at Yousef. Before he could really think, Yousef's body turned around to face the couple. Sana looked at him with a raised brow, and Isak was holding out his hand to him. Yousef shook it.
-Hi, I'm Yousef, he said calmly.
-Yeah, Yousef is one of my brother's best friends ! Sana said in a cheerful and unusual way.
He frowned before trying to smile to Isak. There was a blank and Yousef looked at Sana, kind of expecting her to tell him who Isak was.
-Oh, sorry... Yousef, this is Isak, a friend of mine.
Had she just tried to clearly state that he wasn't her friend and that Isak was ? Sana and the boy were both looking at each other in a weird way, as if they were trying to talk without words. Yousef looked away, sipping on his drink.
-Okay, I'm just gonna go.
He'd said that before taking a step to go back into the living room. Before he could do anything else, he felt someone lightly grabbing his arm.
-No worries, man ! I was leaving anyway, Isak said, apparently looking expectantly at Sana.
Isak slowly made his way to the door and smiled at them before closing it behind him. Yousef looked at the girl who seemed shy all over again. Silence surrounded them. She took a sip of her coke before putting her left hand in her pocket.
-Do I... Do we make you nervous ? Yousef asked, all of a sudden, really wondering about her sudden change of behavior.
-What ? Wh... No. No, you don't. Why would you ask me that ? Sana answered.
Yousef had obviously noticed her trying to get a hold of herself mid-sentence. He smiled lightly.
-Because you seemed cheerful and loud a minute ago, and now you're all shy and quiet... I feel like you're not comfortable around us... Or maybe around me, I don't know.
There was a blank between them, and Sana looked at her feet as if they were the most fascinating thing she'd seen all day. She seemed to have lost her ease. He looked down at her and hesitated for a while before putting a hand on her arm in an attempt to comfort her.
-I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable... I just... I was just wondering.
She looked at his hand on her arm before raising her eyes and looking at him. He let his hand fall to his side.
-It's okay, it's just... Isak is one of the few friends i can talk about anything with, and he makes me laugh.
-Oh okay, so you guys aren't... Yousef wondered innocently, praying for her to understand what he meant.
-Dating ? No, never ! Isak's not...
She took a moment to think about the end of her sentence as Yousef took a sip of his drink, frowning.
-He's not my type, she said with a little smile.
-No ? He inquired.
-No, Sana answered.
Yousef was so glad she said no, he almost hugged her. Instead he just took a step towards her. She looked up at him : his nose, and then his jaw, and then she went back to his eyes. Her gaze on him was all wonder and close attention, as if he was a curiosity of some sort, as if she was looking at him for the first time. They'd known each other for years. It just was the first time they looked at each other so closely. She took a sip of her coke again, a smile in her eyes. He genuinely smiled back at her.
-So what were you and your friend Isak talking about anyway ? He asked, finally.
-Oh, just a stupid movie...
-Oh yeah ? I know a lot about movies... Yousef said, ironically arrogant.
-Oh really ? Tell me about High School Musical 2, then ? she asked in an ironic way, her smile spreading to her whole face.
-Oh no...
And she laughed. Sana laughed to his reaction, and Yousef laughed too, simply because he was happy to make Sana Bakkoush smile.