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“A-are you sure it was, um, right?” Ren chewed his bottom lip. “Those can--. They can mess up, I think.”
“Yes,” Ruri sniffled. “I took-- I took three tests.”
It was very late, nearly early morning. The only light in Ren's apartment was a lamp at the far end of the couch. The lurking edges of darkness promised to hold their secret and keep it safe. Still, they stayed tense, giving no trust to the world around them.
Ruri sat on the floor, both hands on her face, trying to keep the tears in.
Moments before, a surprised Ren invited her inside after waking to the sound of desperate knocking. She managed a few stumbling steps inside before she collapsed down to her knees. Her distressed arrival, along with the late hour, left Ren in a stunned silence. Visits were far from unusual; she had often dropped by ever since Ren signed for the apartment with Takaya back when they first attended University.
Normal visits came with a warning text; this one did not.
Takaya was a heavy sleeper and with his cousin a sobbing mess on the floor, Ren was very thankful for it. The moment was hers and hers alone. Caution still hung in his body as he sat in front of her, gripping his knees with shaking hands.
“H-have you, ah, told anyone else?” Ren whispered as if his voice could travel to the closed bedroom door down the hall.
“I can't.” Ruri pressed her hands harder against her eyes. “I-I can't. How would I? How could I? My mother---.” She shook her head, tears leaking from between her fingers. “How can I tell her I'm pregnant? I don't-- he wasn't even my boyfriend.”
Helplessness hung in Ren's gentle frown, his own eyes growing wet. “M-maybe. Ah. You can, you can---. What if, ah.”
Ren juggled his thoughts, hoping something would come to him. Anything, even the smallest thing. Ruri deserved it, she needed it. Nothing came, and his heart ached.
He was useless again, completely useless.
“I don't want to-- to--.” Ruri lowered one hand away from her eye to look at Ren, her lips trembling along with her voice.
She didn't need to say it.
The unspoken words left Ren's chest tight and breathless.
Shaking his head with a fervor, Ren scooted forward and pulled her into a tight hug. Ruri's head dipped down and she emptied wet sobs into his shoulder, clinging to his shirt like a scared child. It was all he had to offer her. Fear thrashed in his own heart; fear for what the future would bring her, for how helpless he was to save her.
“I-It's,” Ren swallowed, shaking a little himself, tears sliding down his cheeks, “It's going-- going to,” he tightened his hug, bowing down his head, “-- to be okay. It is. It is.”
“I didn't want this,” Ruri wailed. “I didn't.”
“It's. It's g-going to be--- okay,” Ren whispered, summoning all the strength he could to keep his voice steady.
Ruri leaned back and Ren let her slip out of his arms. She went still, staring hard down at the floor. Outside the muffled sounds of the city played on. Cars passed by, sirens screamed in the distance, but inside it was silent except for their soft breathing.
“I can't keep it,” her voice was as blank as her expression, “He-- He.” Ruri took a breath. “He lied to me. He-- has a wife-- kids. He's-- terrible. If I told him, he'd—,” she looked up, eyes threatening tears again, “he'd want it gone, li-like trash. I can't, I can't, Renren, I can't.”
Ren forced his frown into a weak smile. She deserved nothing but smiles. He reached out for another hug and Ruri returned it, but her grip was loose. All her energy drained out through bitter tears.
“It's.” Ren stroked her back like his mother would when he was small and crying. “It's going to be okay.”
Though there was a smile on his face, though his voice was warm, his stomach was twisted in tight knots. Hope in the moment was one thing, but the future was a dark and scary place. Ren tried not to doubt his own words; for her sake.
If he couldn't believe, how could he expect her to?
A promise left his lips in a clear, unfaltering whisper, “It's going to be okay.”
-----
Months passed, seasons changed. As Ruri's belly grew, so did the frequency of her visits. Coats and layers hid her bump from all but the most observant of eyes. Takaya didn't question her increasing presence and simply went through the polite motions whenever he'd open the door to her shy, weak smiles.
While the two cousins chatted over hot drinks, Takaya donned a bandana and went to work with dinner. It kept his hair and the sweat out of his eyes. When they were alone, Ren always told him that it made him look good. But good wasn't all he meant to say.
Takaya knew the unspoken meaning behind it.
It made him look tame.
Domesticated.
Like he belonged to someone; a half of a whole.
Only Ren was allowed to enjoy that Takaya. Everyone else had to settle with professional Takaya or polite stranger Takaya; the Takaya that always kept some distance between himself and others. Ren had a different Takaya than he gave the world, near bare in his sleeveless shirt and loose sweatpants. His clothes holding back years of toned muscle, a soft sheen clinging them from the heat of the stove.
The stove, full of food, fresh and hot, all a labor of something that still put a warm feeling in Ren, not unlike their first kiss. No one else had ever experienced the same sort of care that Takaya poured into Ren. It was, and always had been, his and only his.
Ruri enjoyed only a hungry passerby's glance of Takaya and his endless dedication.
It put a soft sigh in her breath and she smiled at Ren, but her eyes never held the same the joy as her lips.
When dinner was gone and cleaned up, Takaya left to shower and spend the rest of their visit in the bedroom. It wasn't a matter of his lack of sociability, but rather he knew when he had no business in something. As rough around the edges he could seem, especially at work, he knew respect.
“I've decided what I'm going to do.” Ruri looked up from her tea.
They sat at a small table in the sitting room that was off to the side of the living room. It had wide windows that opened up to the bight lights of the city beyond. Down below numerous lives went about their day, not bothering to look up to the people they'd never know.
Ren's eyes brightened at the potential of good news. “R-really?” As soon as the word left him, he lowered his head; he probably came off as far too eager.
His face might as well have had his thoughts scrawled across it for all to see.
“I don't want the baby, but--,” Ruri turned to look out the window, the look in her eyes telling him that her mind was elsewhere, “It wouldn't be fair to-- to, just drop it off somewhere. Even if it gets adopted, it's so much like—.”
Her hands curled into fists and she blinked through the wetness in her eyes.
When she spoke again, her voice was small. “Like throwing it away. And. I don't think that's right. It's not at fault for this. I am.”
“No.” Ren reached forward, just the tips of his fingertips on her hand. “Um, it's not. It really isn't-- it.” Ren shifted in his seat, wishing so hard that words came easy. “You're-- a good person.”
“Not good enough to be a mother,” her tone was dull and Ren winced. “Not like this. It deserves better.”
“B-but--.”
“Ren.” Her tone grew with a sudden vigor.
“Yes?” Ren tilted his head like a curious dog.
“You've been so, so—,” her fist uncurled to take Ren's hand, “helpful through all of this. I don't know where I'd be without you right now.”
Ren offered her a little smile of encouragement.
“Ren.” Ruri tightened her hold. “There's something that I want to ask you.”
“Ah.” Ren blinked, never had her eyes held something so serious. Slowly, he nodded. “Myeah. A-anything. You can ask me anything.”
Her question left them both in tears.
-----
Takaya said nothing as he watched Ren struggle through the front door with an armful of books. They slid in all directions when he dumped them on the kitchen table. Like a farmer admiring a successful harvest, Ren took a moment to admire them; the fruits of his labor.
It was lunch time and Takaya had the day off, which he always used as an excuse to make sure Ren got a proper meal in him.
“You were out for a while,” Takaya looked up from the frying pan that sizzled on the stove-top.
“Y-yeah, I didn't notice how late it was getting.” Ren smiled with a color in his cheeks. “Since I was so uh, close to home I didn't answer your text. Ruri was texting a, um, lot.”
The look in Takaya's eyes remained blank and unreadable as his gaze slid over to the books.
“You two've been talking a lot lately,” he paused to flip over the egg he was almost done frying, “even when she isn't here.”
“Well she, ah, she needs a lot of support and um, we're close.” Despite the solid reasoning, he fidgeted.
Takaya noticed, but instead of speaking up, he set the egg on top of an open sandwich, topping it with toasted bread. Ren took the sandwich's completion as a cue to sit at the table and he pushed the books aside to make room for his plate.
After Takaya delivered Ren's food, he didn't return to the stove, but instead loomed over him.
“Th-thank you. It looks ah, really good.” Ren smiled up at him, shoulders bowed as he took a bite of his sandwich.
“That's a lot of books.” Takaya pulled one towards him, resting a hand on the back of Ren's chair as he leaned over to inspect it.
It was a childcare book. They all were.
“They're f-for Ruri!” Ren choked on his quick answer.
Though his voice was firm, Takaya's hand thumped gently on Ren's back, as if an instinct. “If they're for her, then why are you reading them?”
Red stained Ren's face, right to the tips of his ears, and he looked up, mouth moving a few times before words came. “B-because I am. Going. To. To help. Her.”
“Help her.” Takaya stared at Ren, who swallowed, gripping his sandwich so tight that yolk leaked down over his fingers.
“H-help her.” Ren nodded, eyes starting to water.
Takaya sighed and pulled a chair around to sit beside Ren. He set his arm on the table, leaning on it to get a better look at Ren's face. Ren kept his head down, glancing between Takaya and everything else in the room.
“Ren.”
A sputtering whimper was his answer.
“You're keeping something from me, aren't you?”
Ren's eyes closed, pushing out quiet tears.
Slowly, he nodded.
“Why?”
“M-my fa-family.”
It was all Ren could manage before breaking into sobs. His sandwich fell forgotten onto his plate, hands sticky and hanging in the air.
Takaya watched him for a moment, trying to keep his steady resolve. With Ren, it was never easy.
“Ren.” Takaya's voice went as soft as he could manage, like a lion trying to purr. He placed a hand on Ren's back, careful to keep the touch gentle. Ren's back lowered under his touch, but he didn't pull away.
“I-I sorry. S-sorry. I. Am,” Ren sobbed. “Buh-- fa-family. They.” Ren hiccuped, putting the back of his hands to his face, trying to avoid their mess. “Th-they are my-- my--- family. I. And I. I need to--.”
Takaya stroked down Ren's back as he watched him struggle through his words.
“If—if I s-say yes. I-If I s-say no. I.” Ren grit his teeth.
“Mm?” Takaya grunted just to let him know he was listening.
“I-I could. I could. My fa-family. I could. L-Lose. S-someone. I could. If y-you don't-- I could l-lose.”
Takaya's patience only went so far.
“You could lose me?”
Ren nodded.
“You want to take care of Ruri's baby. And if I say no to it, you're worried about what'll happen to the kid?”
Ren nodded again, head lowering with a long whine.
Takaya sighed, long and deep, turning to pinch the bridge of his nose. “Ren. You really are a mess sometimes.”
“Mhuh?” Ren opened his eyes; they were red.
“You care too much, you know.” Takaya lifted his hand away from Ren's back to brush the wet hair out of his eyes. “Some people would call it stupid. Very stupid. But I'd be just as guilty.”
Ren wiped his face with the back of his arm, a small smile lighting his face.
“It's especially stupid not to talk to me about this shit. Leaving me in the dark like that. What were you thinking?” Takaya ruffled Ren's hair with a half hearted noogie.
Ren chirped and raised his arm to defend himself.
But his smile grew.
“I-I.”
“I know.” Takaya spared him the trouble of having to explain himself. “I figured something was going on a couple months back. You're terrible with secrets; terrible with hiding anything. Even if she was keeping it, I know what it'd do to you.”
“E-eh?” Ren blinked.
“I've seen how you look at kids.” Takaya watched the way Ren's face went to something more subdued. “Like you're wondering what it must be like to have one. The way they make you smile. Don't think I don't notice.”
“I-Is that, um, b-bad?” Ren picked the dried yolk off his hands, trying to keep himself from meeting Takaya's eyes, but he failed several times.
“No,” Takaya's smile was in his voice too.
“I-If I s-say yes, u-um. It would, um, be, you. Y-you'd h-have to--.”
“Be involved too? Of course I would.”
“R-really?”
“Yes, really.” A quiet, premature laugh rode the edge of Takaya's voice, “I'm your catcher, aren't I? I promised you. We're in this game together.”
Ren's chair clattered to the floor as he threw himself onto Takaya, who grunted at the sudden force of Ren's arms squeezing tight around him. Takaya hooked his own arms around Ren and pulled him into his lap, kissing his still wet lips.
-----
Ren wasn't allowed in the delivery room.
There weren't many people sitting in the waiting room with him. Strangers kept busy with books or magazines. They were calm, something Ren found himself envying as his legs refused to stop bouncing.
The waiting was too much; it bit into him, gnawing right down to his bones.
For the fifth time since he arrived, Ren got up to browse the vending machine for something he didn't need nor want. Like the times before, he found nothing and returned to his chair. Time was at a dying crawl and Ren checked his cellphone every few seconds. Each time he found himself surprised by the unchanging numbers.
Minutes ticked by like years and hours like lifetimes.
Then--.
“Mihashi?” A nurse called into the waiting room, holding a clipboard to her chest.
“A-ah! H-here!” Ren raised his hand, stumbling out of his chair and nearly landing on his face. “I'm here.”
“Follow me, please.” She smiled and Ren shuffled behind her, his heart pounding so hard he could almost hear the blood thundering through his veins.
The nurse left once she led him to the proper room. It was small and the afternoon sun shone bright and warm from the far window, filling the room with natural light. Outside, early spring brought budding cherry blossoms. Ruri lay in a high hospital bed; her hair was a mess with several loose strands sticking to her face.
Ren took careful steps towards her and whispered, “Hey.”
Ruri opened her eyes just enough to see him through downcast eyelashes. “Hey,” her voice was rough, nearly a groan.
“How do you feel?”
“Drugs.” Ruri closed her eyes for a moment before blinking them back open. “Is he here yet?”
Ren shook his head and he took a seat in the chair beside her. “Not yet.”
“Thank you, RenRen.” Ruri smiled, trying to fight back sleep. “For this. Thank you.”
“A-ah.” Ren pushed his hair back, his smile growing wider. “Of course.”
The door opened behind them and Ren glanced over before his eyes widened. It was a nurse and in her arms was a small bundle wrapped in blue.
“You can hold him now.” The nurse stepped past Ren.
“No.” Ruri gave a slow shake of her head. “Please, give him to him.”
“Oh.” The nurse blinked and turned to Ren, who greeted her with a nervous smile. “Here you are, then. Be sure to support his head, that's it. Like that.”
Ren swallowed, sure to follow her instructions with incredible care. Once he was in his arms, Ren's shaking stopped. The shock of his sudden calm tensed his muscles, fearful that his nerves would return. Despite the exchange between hands, the baby stayed sleeping.
Ren looked up at the nurse with a wide grin spread across his face, “Th-thank you.”
She bowed and took her leave.
“A-are you sure you. You-- don't want to hold him?” Ren couldn't help the tremors in his voice.
“I'm sure.” Ruri laid her head back. “He's not mine. He's yours.”
“M-mine.” Ren repeated as he looked back down at that peaceful little face.
The paperwork had been taken care of long before the baby's actual birth. Once they got the go ahead, they'd be able to take him home. Already he and Takaya had spent stressful months of baby-proofing the house and turning a study into a nursery.
Despite all the preparations, the sudden reality of fatherhood left Ren trembling.
“I forgot. What did you decide for his name again?”
Ren whispered to the baby in his arms, as if gifting him his name. “Ryosuke.”
“I like it. It's a good one.”
“Mhm. Ah!” Ren's cellphone buzzed in his pocket. “That must be Takaya.”
He shifted Ryosuke closer to his chest with one arm as he dug his cellphone out of his pocket.
It was a text message.
On my way up now.
“He's going to be here soon.” Excitement squeaked in Ren's voice.
Ryosuke squirmed, just a little. His eyes stayed closed through the weak movements. Ren put his cellphone away and lifted his hand up to him. Ryosuke was so tiny, even Ren's fingers were huge in comparison. Holding his breath, Ren brushed a fingertip over Ryosuke's little hand. At the touch, Ryosuke's fingers uncurled atop Ren's finger and he held it as well as a newborn could.
Ren bit his lip to keep himself from waking him with a cry of joy.
A knock at the door jolted Ren back to the moment.
“Ryosuke,” he cooed with a smile, “Are you ready to meet your papa?”