Chapter Text
"Mr. Mayor."
"Ah, Chief Bogo, please, have a seat." The raccoon mayor of Zootopia barely glanced up as the Chief of Police settled gingerly into a chair, which creaked ominously under his weight.
For a long moment, nothing was said. Finally, Bogo prompted Mayor Procyon. "You wanted to see me?"
Procyon looked up as if he had forgotten the chief was there. "Yes, of course! So, after the major successes your department has had recently, we were approached by the Zootopian Reality Network." The raccoon fished among the documents piling his desk and handed Chief Bogo a folder. "Here's the proposal."
The Chief took the paper suspiciously and read it. When he looked up, his face was very carefully neutral. "They want to film a reality show with our officers."
"Yes, a splendid idea, I thought! Show mammals in the city just what their tax dollars are paying for. Demonstrate the commitment and dedication that every public servant under my administration brings to their job." Procyon smiled as he leaned back to gauge the Chief's reaction.
Bogo said nothing, though in his mind he ran through the ways this could go wrong. He stopped when he got to twenty, and seventeen of them involved Hopps, Wilde, or Hunter. Well, as long as he wasn't asked to-
"In particular, I'd like a camera crew to ride with our heroes- all three the first of their species to work for ZPD, all three famous for their actions in protecting this fair city. Just think of what the voters- er, the citizens will think!"
Bogo stared at him. "Didn't you read the performance evaluation I gave Officer Hunter this past quarter?"
The raccoon frowned. "You gave- isn't that his supervisor's job?"
"I've been having difficulty finding a supervisor willing to take responsibility for him," said Bogo dryly.
"Perhaps you could summarize it for me, then," said the raccoon impatiently.
"Summarize Hunter?" Bogo considered that. "Well, you've heard of his rules?"
The raccoon frowned. "Rules?"
"He has a bunch of rules he spouts off to impressionable young rookies. To summarize Hunter, I'd quote rule twenty.
"It not only can get worse, it probably already has by the time you get there."
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Hunter was annoyed. He glanced at his watch again, noting that he was supposed to be off duty in less than an hour.
Except right now, he was holding the perimeter on three burglars who had barricaded themselves in the business they had been caught breaking into.
"You'll never take us alive, coppers!" shouted one from inside at the police mammals forming the perimeter.
"Who says we want to?" muttered Hunter. He noticed a bear, a sergeant, standing uncertainly next to a patrol car, the public address microphone held to his mouth. Hunter sidled over. As he passed his patrol car, he grabbed an empty glass bottle from off the ground.
"You are surrounded. Come out with your paws up and you will not be harmed," said the bear into the PA. Hunter nodded to him and he glanced at the human officer.
"You ever done negotiating, sergeant?"
The bear glanced at the building again. "Well, not really."
"I've got some experience. Care if I try?"
The sergeant had little direct knowledge of Hunter, and so it was a natural mistake to make.
He handed Hunter the microphone.
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"He gets the job done, though? I mean, I read about some of his cases," said Procyon.
"Yes, we tend to edit those reports a bit," replied Bogo carefully.
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Hunter addressed the sergeant. "First, you should try to personalize yourself to them a bit. You know, make a connection, establish a rapport. Let them see what kind of mammal you are." He raised the microphone to his mouth.
"Now listen up, you dumb sonsabitches!"
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"You're not saying that he breaks regulations?" asked Procyon, scandalized.
"Rule Eight," muttered Bogo.
"What?"
"Nothing. No, not breaks, generally. Bends, yes. And we've had to make several new regulations just to cover things he's done that we've never thought we needed to spell out before."
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The burglars inside all looked out, stunned. "What did you call me?" shouted one.
"Do you have any idea what time it is?" shouted Hunter. "I'm supposed to be off in an hour, dammit! Now are you going to come out, or are we going to do this the hard way?"
"Oh, tough talk, copper! Come on, what's the hard way?"
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"New regulations?" said the mayor, confused. "Like what?"
"Such as 'All prisoners must be transported only in the designated passenger areas of a patrol vehicle,'" quoted the chief.
"You're saying he transported someone in- where, the trunk?"
"Well, one was. The other was tied onto the roof of the patrol car."
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Carefully, Hunter ripped off a section of an old undershirt he carried to give his boots a quick polish when needed. He stuffed the strip into the bottle, leaving a bit hanging out. Then, he lit the end of the cloth sticking out of the bottle with a lighter.
"Uh, Hunter," said the sergeant, who was watching this. "What are you-"
Once the cloth was lit, Hunter stepped out of cover. "Fire in the hole," he shouted.
He tossed the flaming bottle through the window of an office adjacent to the ones the burglars were trapped in. The window shattered and sparks flew out.
All three burglars shouted in alarm.
Hunter glanced around, picked up another bottle. The sergeant stared at the building, his jaw open.
The second bottle proved not to be necessary. Pell mell, the burglars rushed out of the building.
"Okay, okay, we give up, just keep that maniac away from us!" the ringleader shouted as multiple police mammals converged on him. A number of firefighters who had been standing by rushed towards the building.
"If I had a nickel for every time I heard that," muttered Hunter. He glanced at his watch again. "Well, sarge, looks like we got them. Have a good one." He turned to walk off before he felt a massive paw fall on his shoulder. He turned to stare at the bear sergeant, who was staring at him in mixed horror and anger, jaw working.
"Hunter," he growled.
The human sighed.
Looks like he'd be working late after all.
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Hunter stood to attention in front of Bogo's desk, eyes fixed firmly on the wall above the seated water buffalo.
Bogo stared at Hunter. "Okay, let's hear it."
Hunter shrugged. "I don't see that I did anything wrong."
"You attempted to set a building on fire in order to apprehend three burglary suspects. I don't remember seeing molotov cocktails on the approved list of police gear."
"Set on fire?" Hunter looked innocent. "Of course not, chief. First of all, I didn't put an accelerant into the bottle. The fire- what little there was- pretty much went out on impact. Even if it had stayed lit, the offices in that building are all slick and modern- all tile and metal furniture. Been there a few times to do reports. Not much to burn, especially with firefighters and a sprinkler system. There wasn't any damage to speak of."
"Except for the broken window."
"Well, gosh, sir, if we can't break a single window or two to effect dynamic entry, our hands are pretty much tied."
"You threatened the suspects with arson, though."
"I never threatened them, not in so many words. Not only did I never say I'd set the building on fire, I think we've established that I didn't actually have any intent or reasonable belief that I'd set the building on fire." Hunter paused. "Sir."
Bogo glared at him. "What were you before you were a cop, a lawyer?"
"Oh, no, sir. I had a much nobler calling than that."
Despite himself, Bogo was curious. There was a lot of gossip around the station about what Hunter's true background was. "What?"
"I was a male stripper."
The chief gave him a flat look, then sighed. "Oh, I get it. I ask you what made you become a cop and you say 'I became a cop because I already had the uniform and could reuse the handcuffs.'"
"Well, I had to get the fuzzy bits off the handcuffs first, sir, wouldn't be professional otherwise-"
"Dismissed, Hunter."
When the human left, Bogo started writing.
"Addendum to Departmental Standard Operating Procedures and Regulations," he muttered to himself. "The use of real or simulater incendiary devices is strictly prohibited-"
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"I'm not saying we can't be friends, Nick. It's just that- well, we've both got our careers to think about. So moving beyond that is just- it's not a good idea."
Nick stared out the window, avoiding her eyes. "Because of our careers? Come on, Carrots, there's plenty of cops who've had relationships within the department."
Judy shook her head. "And most of them end up badly, Nick. Not only are there the usual problems with workplace, er, relationships, but this is a dangerous job sometimes. If you're in trouble, and I'm responding, it could really affect my judgment-"
He looked at her then. "And it wouldn't already?"
She paused.
"You know, Carrots- Judy. You can't just turn off this sort of thing."
"No. But we can still make a decision not to go further, at least not yet."
Nick watched her for a moment, and finally he nodded. "Sure."
She twitched in surprise. "That was a fast decision."
"Well, you made a good case," said Nick. "Clearly, we need to slow this thing down a bit. So did you hear what Hunter did today?"
She kept casting suspicious glances at him the whole way back to the station as he talked about Hunter's latest escapade.
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Nick walked into roll call the next day and immediately spotted Hunter, feet up on the table with his chair leaned back. He sat down next to the older officer. "Hey, Zach."
Hunter glanced at him and rolled his eyes. "Judy talked to you, did she?"
Nick stared. "How did you- is it that obvious?"
"Well, yeah, although she came to me asking for advice a couple of days ago."
The fox felt a welling of anger. "And what did you tell her? That cops shouldn't date?"
"I told her you were both adults and knew best what you could and couldn't handle," replied Hunter sanguinely. "I also told her that only an idiot gets in the middle of relationship-" his hand described a vague gesture in the air "- stuff."
After a moment, Nick nodded. "Okay, fair enough." He sighed. "We decided to sort of- take a break."
"Okay."
The fox glanced at him. "Not curious about that?'
"See above, regarding: getting involved in relationship stuff." He pointed at himself. "Not an idiot."
Bogo walked in, glared at Hunter. "Well, good to see the idiot could make it."
"Hey, chief, if it's stupid and it works it's not stupid."
The water buffalo sighed. "That would be your motto. What do you call it if it's stupid and doesn't work, Hunter?"
"A politician."
"Moving right along," said Bogo, wincing slightly. "I have a special announcement to make. The Zootopian Reality Network has three camera-mammals that will be riding along with some of you today, to document some real-life police work."
The assembled officers all looked at one another. "Are you sure that's a good idea, chief?" asked Delgato, cautiously.
"The mayor thinks it's a great idea," said the chief, dryly. "He says that the ZPD has nothing to hide."
Every officer looked at Hunter. "What?" asked Hunter, in annoyance.
"Yeah, but do we have nobody to hide?" said one of the lions in the back, sotto voce.
"The mayor has personally selected the three officers who will initially have the camera-mammals riding with them," continued the chief. He paused and shuffled some paperwork for a moment.
Finally, as if recognizing the inevitable could no longer be delayed, the chief snapped out. "Wilde, Hopps, and Hunter, you'll be riding with one camera-mammal each. Dismissed."
The chief turned and walked out as the animals in roll call all stared at one another.
After a moment, Wolferd raised his paw with a bill clutched in it. "I've got five dollars that Hunter's camera-mammal doesn't last until lunch."
"Ten and you're on," said Delgato.
"Two to one he loses at least part of his tail," added a lion.
Hunter looked at Wilde and Hopps. Hopps was grimacing at the rampant lack of professionalism on display. Wilde looked like he was considering taking one of the bets.
He sighed and left.
It was going to be a long day.