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Nick jumped as his phone vibrated loud against the counter top. His mind was somewhere else as he stirred the pot of bubbling sauce on the stove top. His mind was somewhere else a lot these days. He shook his head, clearing his thoughts as he reached for the phone, smiling as he saw Zak’s name on the screen.
“Hey, man.” he said brightly.
“Hey.” Zak answered back. “What are you up to?”
“Nothin’, just making some dinner.”
“Oh. Watcha makin’?” Zak asked, hint of a smile in his voice.
“Chicken parmesan.” Nick answered knowingly.
“Mmm...that sounds good.” Zak said. “I love your chicken parmesan.”
“Thanks.” Nick said, hiding a chuckle. He knew what Zak was doing, fishing for an invite, but he was planning to make the older man work for it.
Zak paused, clearly unsure of what to say next.
Nick just smiled quietly as he continued to stir the sauce.
“So, uh…” Zak started, awkwardly, “What are you up to later tonight. You know, after you eat.”
“I don’t know.” Nick smirked. “Nothin’ planned yet. You?”
“I was actually calling to see if maybe you wanted to hang out?”
“Wait, I thought you had your thing with Kevin tonight?” Nick said, suddenly. Zak had been excited about his date with Kevin all week and Nick had tried hard not to let on how much it bothered him.
“Yeah...he sort of canceled on me.” Zak said with a little, embarrassed chuckle.
“What? Why?” Nick asked. It came out harsher than he had meant for it to, but Kevin was getting on his last nerve.
“Who knows…”
“Wait, so he didn’t even tell you why?” Nick asked, feeling his blood boil. “Zak, please tell me he at least called you.”
“Nick…I don’t really wanna talk about it, okay?”
“I just don’t understand why you let this asshole jerk you around so much.”
Zak didn’t answer but the silence was heavy as they sat quietly.
Nick let out a frustrated huff. Zak deserved so much better. Why couldn’t he see that?
“You wanna come over and eat with me?” Nick asked after a moment.
“You sure you have enough?”
“Yeah. There’s enough.”
“Thanks, Nick.” Zak said quietly.
Nick watched as Zak cut into his second helping of chicken. The older man was putting on a brave face, but Nick could see the disappointment hiding behind his eyes.
“Can I get you another beer?”
“Sure. Thanks.” Zak said, smiling around a mouthful.
Nick made his way to the refrigerator, grabbing for two cold bottles. He knew he should be trying to cheer Zak up, he hated seeing him so disappointed. But he didn’t think he could bite his tongue any longer.
“Zak, I’m sorry...I gotta say something.” Nick said, popping the cap off Zak’s beer before handing it over.
“Nick--”
“Look I know you like him. And you think the sun shines out of his ass or whatever...but he treats you like shit.”
Zak’s shoulders slumped and his gaze lowered to his hands.
That was too harsh, Nick thought. He let out a sharp breath, taking a seat across from the older man.
“I’m sorry, Zak…” Nick said, voice noticeably softer. “It’s just that he doesn’t appreciate you. And you deserve someone that appreciates you.”
“He doesn’t treat me like shit.” Zak said, a hint of defensiveness in his voice.
“He’s always leaving you hanging...he cancels on you all the time. I mean, does he know how excited you were about tonight?”
“He apologized.” Zak argued.
“Through a text?”
“He’s a busy guy, Nick.”
“Are you hearing yourself right now?” Nick asked in disbelief. “It takes five minutes to call. Five minutes.”
“Why are you so mad about this?” Zak asked. “If it doesn’t bother me, then why should it bother you?”
“Because it does bother you.” Nick said. “I can see that it does, so don’t lie to me. I know you, Zak. I know you better than anyone.”
Zak poked at his plate aimlessly as he digested Nick’s words.
“I’m not trying to piss you off.” Nick said sincerely. “I just don’t like seeing you like this. You deserve better.”
“You don’t even know him.” Zak muttered at his plate. “You haven’t made any effort to get to know him. So you really don’t get to talk to me about deserving better.”
Zak was right. Nick had avoided every invitation to join them for drinks. He’d made excuse after excuse about why he wasn’t available for dinners or parties or basketball games. The truth was, he didn’t think he could stand to see them together. Even just the thought of Zak with someone else tore at his insides. But he also knew he wasn’t wrong about this. Kevin was no good. Not for Zak.
“I know enough.”
“What do you know?” Zak challenged.
“I know you’re sitting here with me on a Saturday night instead of being at the concert you’ve been talking about for weeks. I know that you’re sad and embarrassed and that’s why you don’t wanna be alone right now. I know that for some reason I’ll never understand, you can’t see that you deserve better than this. Or maybe you don’t think you do. I don’t know? Either way, it’s pretty fucking sad. And I know you were hoping to come over here and let me feed you and cheer you up so that when he calls later tonight, you can go running back over there and start this whole fucking cycle all over again. But I’m not gonna watch that anymore, okay? I’m not gonna watch you give him everything when he’s done nothing to deserve it. He has no idea…” he stopped himself, biting back the words that would give him away. ...No idea what I’d do to be in his shoes.
He stood from the table, bringing his plate to the sink. He had to put space between himself and Zak before he said something stupid.
“Do you want me to go?” Zak asked, voice soft and fragile as a child’s.
“No.” Nick said, turning to face the older man. “No, I don’t want you to go.”
That was the whole point. He didn’t want to watch Zak leave again. Especially not when he knew where he’d be going.
“Then what do you want, Nick? Do you want me to tell you you’re right? That I cried for an hour before I worked up the courage to call you tonight? I’m not an idiot. I know this isn’t a perfect relationship. And when it’s bad, it’s bad. But when it’s good...it’s like he really sees me for who I am. That’s not something that happens for me. Not many people stick around once they get to know the real me.” his eyes lowered to the table and Nick felt his heart crack in his chest. “So, he flakes on me sometimes. So what?”
He’d always known Zak had his insecurities, but it was another thing to hear him speak them aloud as if they were facts. As if Nick would just nod and agree. But he couldn’t do that. Not when Zak was so completely off base.
“You deserve a guy who knows what he’s got when he’s got you.” Nick said, moving toward Zak. “Kevin’s not the only person who cares about you, you know.”
“There’s not exactly a line of guys waiting to put up with my shit.” Zak said, eyes meeting Nick’s.
“You don’t need a line. You just need one.” Nick said, inching closer. His heart pounded in his eardrums, but he worked to ignore it. He was feeling bold, and for once, he just wanted to say what he felt. “You need someone who knows you. Someone who loves you.”
Zak’s brows furrowed as he looked back and Nick wondered if maybe this was a mistake. But it was too late now. The words were on the tip of his tongue and he knew he couldn’t bite them back any longer.
“I know you, Zak. I know the real you. Even the things you try to hide when you put on that brave face. I know what scares you, what excites you, what pisses you off. And I love it, Zak. I love all of it.” He released a sharp breath, pushing out the words he’d kept bottled in for so long. “I love you.”
The words sounded small leaving his mouth. As if they’d hit Zak and bounce right off of him. Zak was quiet and Nick could feel his body curling in on itself. Protecting his vital organs as he braced for rejection.
“Well...there it is.” Nick said, desperate to fill the silence.
Zak inhaled as if preparing to speak, but instead he just closed his mouth.
“Zak--”
“I’m sorry. I just don’t understand what you’re saying.” Zak interrupted.
“I love you.” Nick said, more confident this time. “What don’t you understand?”
“But I annoy you…” Zak said, clearly perplexed. “I’m flighty and impulsive and I can’t get my shit together...”
“I still love you.” Nick shrugged. “I always have.”
“Why didn’t you say something?” Zak asked, eyes softening as he looked back.
Nick shrugged, lowering his eyes to his hands. He wanted to give Zak a second to process. But mostly, he couldn’t stand to see the shock play across his face a second longer.
“I hope we can still be friends.” he said, giving Zak the out that he was clearly looking for.
Zak’s hand found his, cupping it softly. “Don’t be stupid.”
Nick glanced up to find the older man’s eyes warm on his.
“You just surprised me. I needed a second to get caught up.”
“Oh, okay...” Nick said. He still felt awkward, but he also couldn’t help but notice that Zak hadn’t moved his hand yet.
“So, you love me, huh?” Zak asked, a smirk creeping onto his lips.
“It’s not funny.” Nick said feeling embarrassment color his face. He moved to pull his hand away but Zak grabbed it with his own, bringing their hands to rest in his lap.
“I’m not laughing.” He said, seriously. “I just like how it sounds.”
Nick’s heart leapt into his throat. “You do?”
“Yeah. I like it a lot.” Zak said with a grin. “I think I’d like to hear it again.”
Nick locked eyes with Zak, moving his hands to the older man’s face.
“I’m gonna kiss you now.” he said determinedly.
“That’s good too.” Zak said with a chuckle.
Nick smiled, closing the gap between them and bringing his lips to Zak’s. The older man kissed back, wrapping his arms around Nick to pull him in closer. Nick felt his body relax as their lips moved together and the weight of his secret melted away.