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Day 6 – One Sided
„It's Jeanne, isn't it?“
Noés voice was breaking when he said her name, because he always knew that Vanitas had fallen for her.
A sigh was the only answer.
Noé needed to hold back his tears. It was exhausting because he just wanted to cry. Everything he wanted to do right now was crying.
Maybe it would wash out some of the pain at least.
„So, you really love her... do you?“
Why had Noé done this? Why had he even told Vanitas about his feelings?
He really had needed a long time to even realize it. The first time he saw him, he was disgusted by this man – he was rude and just overdramatic.
But when he heard that Jeanne drank his blood, he felt this stinging in his heart for the first time.
And then he felt it everytime Vanitas was near to Jeanne. Or to Dante. To really anyone.
He later found out that this was called jealousy. And it was an awful feeling.
But he still didn't get WHY he was jealous.
He was kind of afraid, because deep down, he has already known the reason for all of this.
But he had first accepted it, when Domi told him. She told him that she'd kill Vanitas if this man hurt her dear brother. Of course, Noé was confused what she meant. But then she clearly told him: „You love him, idiot.“
Now, Noé knew how Domi must have felt the whole time. He had realized that Domi loved him, because of the smile she was giving him – he was not smiling back to her in that way, but to Vanitas.
„No. Noé... I don't but... I... I don't want to hurt you.“
He had already hurt him. Very badly, he practically ripped his heart out of his chest.
However, Noé was still alive, his heart was still pumping blood.
He didn't know how this could work.
He said nothing for some time. He wanted to leave, or to beat Vanitas, but at the same time he wanted to hug and kiss him, even though it would be wrong.
„Noé. I really don't want to hurt you. I don't really love Jeanne. I just... it was... I wanted someone in my life to matter... I'm sorry that I... don't feel the same way you do...“
And suddenly the rage inside of Noé was sparking in his body, slowly crawling over his skin, boiling up inside his veins.
„Love isn't about 'being interested in someone', Vanitas! Love... is... it doesn't matter for me that you're also a man... or that I didn't like you at first... I don't... even know. But... I just came to love you and... it hurts...!“ His speech was pointless and yes, maybe he wanted Vanitas to pity him.
Vanitas looked at him, but Noé couldn't – his view got blurry and he felt tears running down his cheek.
„I'm sorry“, he breathed out shakily. He wanted to die now.
„You don't need to apologize, Noé. You can't do something against it. Just forget about me. If you want to, we can break the partnership. I would understand it, you know?“
It hurt, it hurt, it hurt so much he couldn't even think straight.
„No... I want to stay friends with you at least... I...“ Noé suddenly fell to his knees, the floor of the hotelroom was cold, excactly as cold as his heart was.
Vanitas also said down. „Noé... when I'm okay someday... let's talk about this again, ok?“
„Don't be nice to me now. Vanitas... I know you're not okay... not okay, well, you're totally broken and I just want to help you, I...“
He suddenly felt fingers cupping his chin and raising his head up, just to look into those beautiful eyes.
The blue still shone like the moon they saw while falling off of the airship, like the ocean and the flowers in the forest.
For a moment, Noé stopped breathing.
Vanitas gaze was directly on him.
„Noé... at the moment I'm only in love with the idea of being in love... let's wait... another few years... I just... don't know my feelings at the moment ok?“
„Let go of me...“ Noé even began panicking, because he felt his breath on his cheeks and on his lips. „Let go, Vanitas... please...!“
But he didn't let go.
Noé closed his eyes, just wanting to forget the warmth in his body, this overwhelming urge to be near to him, to just kiss him and never let go of him.
He didn't want these feelings. He wanted to fall in love with Domi, because he knew that she'd requite it, but these fingers weren't Domi's, they were Vanitas'.
„No. I want you to understand me. Noé... I just can't figure out how I feel. Maybe this is fake, maybe I'm just a lie, maybe this is just dream and you'll wake up, with me in your arms... maybe this is just bad nightmare...“
„I don't get why you are saying this... Vanitas...“ He slowly opened his eyes, only to see Vanitas coming nearer and nearer.
„Because I couldn't feel anything! It feels like I'm underwater... so deep down that there is no light... and then you came and just destroyed this safe place! I can feel now, but I don't know what it is, or why I'm even acting like this... I need time to figure it out.“
„Vanitas, please take my first kiss.“ Yes, it was a total change of the topic, but he didn't care about it.
„What...? Noé... do you even know what you're saying...?“
„Yes, I know it! But, you're my first love, so I want you to take this damn kiss, I don't care about the pain after it... I just want it to be you.“
Vanitas closed his eyes. „Alright. And right after this, I'll leave. I can't comfort you when you start crying again then.“
Noé silently nodded and then Vanitas kissed him.
He didn't expect a kiss to be like this.
Vanitas lips were dry and a little bit chapped, perfectly fitting into his, slightly open.
In the next moment he was away and now Noé realized how fast his heart beat because of this touch.
Vanitas stood up, really leaving.
Everything in Noé screamed for him to stay, but he knew he couldn't change this man.
Vanitas sank down the wall in front of the door to Noés room. He tried to ignore the warmth in him, the urge to go back.
Yes, maybe he even requited this man's feelings, he didn't know.
But they weren't destined for each other. He couldn't carry the weight of another person.
He just couldn't, and he was so sorry for Noé.
He really was.