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Johnny sighs for what seems to be the umpteenth time that day. He’s sitting on the edge of his bed and trying to make sense of this feeling of emptiness inside his chest. It’s almost as if a part of him is missing. He has a guess as to why he may be feeling this way, but he doesn’t think that it’s right or logical.
“I’m probably just hungry,” he tells himself. He gets up from the bed and goes looking for something to snack on. It’s almost midnight, and technically, he’d eaten dinner almost four hours ago. His stomach tells him he’s still full, but his heart tries to convince himself that he’s just hungry.
The brain never lies, Johnny thinks, but he’s not sure he can handle anything heavy right now. He settles for some crackers and a glass of orange juice, taking them to his room. He catches Donghyuck and Winwin watching TV in the living room and tells them to go to sleep. He bids Taeil and Yuta a good night when he passes them by in the hall, and then it’s just him in his room… him and his feelings.
Johnny is in the middle of chewing on his second cracker when his phone buzzes, the short trill telling him that he’s received a message via KakaoTalk.
NCT Taeyong Lee
help me pick a selca
Johnny doesn’t get a chance to reply, not even a chance to prepare himself before the pictures are loading one by one. He thinks Taeyong sends him about ten pictures, and when he finally, finally focuses on one of them, his heart stops. For a moment, Johnny forgets how to breathe, how to think, how to function.
manager says I need at least three
and I’m tired af.
help me!
The new messages move Taeyong’s picture up until Johnny’s left with half of Taeyong’s face and chest. He breathes a sigh of relief but his heart won’t stop pounding.
Ok, wait, gimme a minute, he replies. Johnny’s going to need more than a minute because he doesn’t think he can survive ten Taeyong selcas, not when he’s feeling like this.
Johnny takes a couple of deep breaths before scrolling up the chat. He carefully and very seriously studies one photo from another. When he’s done with one, he saves them into his cameral roll, mentally giving each picture a file name so he can remember which ones to recommend to Taeyong.
hurry up!!!
Wait, I’m on the last two
Johnny picks the three best photos in his opinion, although if it were up to him he’d keep all of them to himself have Taeyong upload them all. Taeyong’s beauty isn’t meant to be contained in just three pictures.
thanks!!! ❤❤❤
╰(*´︶`*)╯♡
There it is again, Johnny thinks as his heart once again starts feeling hollow. The gaping hole in his chest is missing more than just a piece; it feels like he’s missing his whole being.
You’re welcome ^^, he sends back before he forgets. He plops down on his bed, crackers forgotten on his nightstand, and hopes he doesn’t have to deal with this anymore.
About a minute into his non-sleep, his phone trills with another KakaoTalk notification.
are you packed for your flight tomorrow?
Johnny’s heart does this thing where it hurts but only for a second before he’s okay again. The thing about Taeyong’s concern is that Johnny never knows whether he does it because it’s his responsibility as a leader or because he’s really concerned. He can’t dare to ask because it’s such a stupid question, and he doubts Taeyong even knows the answer himself. He takes a deep breath and tries not to overthink it.
Yeah, I am. I’ll see you guys tomorrow~ :)
hopefully we’ll get to see you before your birthday :)
Haha why?
you do realize that I’ve celebrated all your birthdays with you since you became a trainee, right? i wouldn’t wanna miss it for the world.
Johnny chokes on air. He didn’t even know that was possible. His heart has started drumming and won’t calm down no matter how many deep breaths he take.
My ticket says I arrive at 10:46pm so maybe you’ll get to see me just in time to greet me.
too bad we cant get you cake otw since we’ll also be flying out to chiang mai. i promise to make it up to you back at the hotel. ;)
Johnny officially hates emojis. He hopes Taeyong stops using them for good. He can almost imagine Taeyong winking at him and that’s not good for his heart.
oh, johnny, i have to go :( manager’s telling us to sleep :( i’ll talk to you tomorrow. see you soon ╰(*´︶`*)╯♡
Fucking emojis, Johnny thinks as he types his own goodnight. He turns on his bed and sighs. In his hand, his phone trills with the default notification. When he checks, the banner for Vyrl has popped up, and he opens the app without much thought.
He probably should’ve thought about it because fucking hell! What’s Taeyong’s face doing on his phone? IN. FULL. SCREEN.
Johnny buries his head in his pillow, trying to stop thinking about how adorable Taeyong looks, but the image has managed to embed itself into his eyes. He takes one long deep breath and starts preparing himself for the two others.
Before he can think about it, Johnny reaches out and traces the lines of Taeyong’s face, fingers sliding across the screen where his lips are. Taeyong looks tired, but Johnny can’t shake off the fond feeling he gets at the sight of his smile.
His stomach churns as he studies the last photo. He knows he picked all of them, but that doesn’t shake off their novelty. Taeyong’s handsomeness will always affect him, possibly striking him at his very core.
“I miss you,” slips past his lips without permission. He locks his phone and groans into his pillow. The truth hangs around his room, heavy in the air, heavy on his heart.
The truth is: Johnny misses Taeyong. Johnny misses Taeyong even though he’s only been gone for, at most, a day and a half. Johnny misses Taeyong like he’s missing a part of himself. Johnny misses Taeyong even though they’re just best friends. Johnny misses Taeyong because… because he loves him.
“Shit,” Johnny whispers. He takes a peek at his phone, unlocking it to view Taeyong’s adorable selca. Please, love me too, he thinks to himself before he’s trying to choke himself with his pillow.
Johnny thrashes and groans in his bed for a few seconds. “It’s time to sleep, Johnny,” he tells himself in English. “Time to sleep.” He throws his phone on Jaehyun’s bed and closes his eyes.
His alarm will ring in a few hours. That should be enough time to get over himself. He counts up to whatever number before dreamland takes him away.
When he wakes up the next morning feeling like his heart has gotten even more hollow, Johnny thinks he might never stop missing Taeyong. “How is that even possible?” he asks himself.
A knock on his door brings him back to reality. “Johnny?” It’s the voice of his manager.
“I’m awake,” Johnny says out of reflex.
“Okay, good. Be ready in an hour and then we’ll go.”
Johnny takes a deep breath. “Stop thinking about it.” He keeps himself busy by narrating his morning routine in his head. It gets him to stop thinking about Taeyong long enough to eat and talk with Taeil and Donghyuck without feeling like his head is in the clouds.
When he sits down in the car to go to the airport, he finds that his phone is filled with KakaoTalk notifications from Taeyong. He almost groans, but keeps it to himself.
The messages are almost random, but they’re not, at least not really. Taeyong has a habit of telling Johnny what’s going on with them, a habit that he developed back when Johnny hadn’t debuted. To Taeyong, it was to keep Johnny involved, a part of his life. To Johnny, it was almost torture, but he suffered through it like he suffers through it now. Johnny’s only consolation today is that he’s finally debuted. He knows Taeyong means well, and Johnny really does appreciate it, but it makes the distance between them feel impossibly longer.
“We’re here.” The driver pulls the car to a stop, and Johnny whips his head around to find that they’re stopped right in front of the airport. They give Johnny a few seconds to gather his things before he alights the car. He takes a deep breath and puts on his best idol smile. He didn’t train for nine years to mess it up now.
Johnny smiles for the cameras, waves to the fans and keeps nodding at them for all the advance birthday greetings. He doesn’t mean for the smile to completely leave his face once he’s passed through Immigration, but it does. He’s just glad there are no cameras and fans to see.
“You okay?” his manager asks.
“Yeah, just tired.”
His manager nods. “Well, we’ve got about a six-hour flight so you can rest up then.”
Johnny nods. He pulls out his phone to distract himself but it opens to his and Taeyong’s chat page and reminds him that he still hasn’t replied to any of Taeyong’s messages. He reacts to some of the photos, some of them are just of Taeyong taking pictures with the background, some of them are with the members. He tells Johnny a few things about their trip and schedules, and then he asks him about Johnny’s day.
Slept in today. I’m at the airport now so I’ll see you in a few. ^^
When he gets the notification for Taeyong’s reply, Johnny reads it through the banner, but doesn’t bother opening the app. He puts on his headphones, turns the volume on loud, and drowns out as much of the world as he can.
But even with all the music and lyrics trying to grab his attention, all Johnny can think about is,
have a safe flight, youngho-yah ♡
i’ll see you soon~
It’s eleven p.m. when they arrive at the airport and after going through all the checks and getting their baggage, it’s a lot closer to midnight now. Johnny hides a yawn with his hand and follows his manager. His phone vibrates in his pocket; their group chat has been going off with messages since Johnny arrived in Thailand. He hasn’t bothered to open them.
“We’ll be meeting up with the others here,” his manager tells him. Johnny nods and follows his manager in a room at the airport. He sees some of his fans and smiles at them before disappearing into the room. “They’re already here so they shouldn’t take long.”
Johnny takes off his sweater, glad that he’d worn an undershirt now that the heat of Thailand is getting to him. In the few minutes that he has to wait, Johnny scans their group chat, messages from the members back in Korea to the ones already here come up. He’s just about to send a reply of his own when the door opens.
“Hey,” Taeyong calls out. Johnny looks up from his seat to find Taeyong smiling down at him. His heart skips a beat, and for a moment, Johnny can’t think of anything else. He’s standing before he even knows it.
Taeyong looks at the time on his phone and grins from ear to ear. He walks toward Johnny, and without saying anything, wraps his arms around his neck, almost pulling him down to his level. Johnny can’t breathe, can’t think. Taeyong is warm, so warm, and he smells like the plane, but good, so good. He hesitantly wraps his arms around Taeyong, pulling him in just a little closer.
“Happy birthday, Youngho.”
Johnny melts in Taeyong’s embrace; he sighs and closes his eyes to savor this feeling of having Taeyong all to himself for just those short few seconds. He takes a deep breath and smiles.
“Thanks.”
“You’re welcome,” Taeyong whispers. Johnny readies himself to pull away but before he can step back, Taeyong pats him on the back and chuckles. “You know what? I kinda missed you.”
Johnny’s heart does this thing where it hurts, but also expands out of so much happiness. He didn’t know how that was possible, but it’s doing it. He chuckles and starts pulling away as he replies, “I kinda missed you too.”
Taeyong smiles up at him, brighter than any picture could ever capture. “Let’s go?”
“Yeah.” Johnny gathers his things and greets the other members. A few of them pull him into a hug to greet him a happy birthday which he responds with thankful smiles. When they file out of the room, he makes sure to stick by Taeyong’s side.
“You okay?” Taeyong asks.
“Yeah,” he says, smiling down at Taeyong. I am now is what he doesn’t say. Taeyong gives him a quizzical look, giving him a once over. When he seems to deem Johnny as “okay”, he nods and nudges Johnny with his elbow.
“You’ll tell me if you weren’t, right?”
“Of course.”
“Good.” Taeyong bumps his elbow against his again and flashes Johnny another smile. Johnny captures the moment not only with his eyes, but also his heart.
Right here, right now, is where he’s meant to be, by Taeyong’s side. With them like this, walking side by side, Johnny finally feels like his heart is whole again.