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“I just don’t know what I’m gonna do anymore.”
Taeyong stops himself from pushing past the door of Doyoung’s room. He can hear the tremors in Johnny’s voice, sounding so broken, so defeated. Taeyong’s never heard him talk like that before.
“I love Taeyong so much—”
Nothing after those words registers to Taeyong. His ears start ringing, and his vision blurs. Before he knows it, he’s past the door, and the loud bang it makes when it hits the wall draws all eyes to him.
“Taeyong.” Johnny’s eyes are wide with fear, and Taeyong has never seen that look on his face. Taeyong has seen Johnny afraid. When he didn’t debut with the rest of them, his eyes widened with panic as he thought he might never debut. But the look on his face now is so different, so new to Taeyong that he wonders just how afraid is Johnny right now. Johnny looks at him like he’s the very ghost that haunts his dreams. Taeyong never thought he would be the recipient of such a gaze. In that moment, Taeyong’s so hurt he doesn’t even comprehend the situation.
“Taeyong hyung.” Doyoung’s voice comes softer than a whisper, breezing right through him.
“What?” Taeyong finally says. But what he’s really trying to say is, “What’s going on?” Or even more coherently, “Why do you look like that? Why aren’t you confiding in me?”
“Youngho hyung.” Doyoung’s voice pierces the quiet in the room. It’s loud and obtrusive. “You have to tell him.” Doyoung’s tone remains soft, but it cuts Taeyong in ways he can’t describe. When he turns to Johnny, his eyes and fists are clenched close, his whole body tense.
“I can’t—”
“Tell me what?” Taeyong’s tone comes out much harder than he intends. Doyoung stiffens, and Johnny lowers his head almost guiltily. Taeyong immediately softens his tone, swallowing the growing lump in his throat to get the words out. “Tell me what, Youngho?”
Johnny flinches at the way Taeyong calls him by his real name.
“...love with you,” Johnny whispers.
Taeyong scrunches his brows as he strains to hear what Johnny’s saying. “What?”
Johnny takes a deep breath, and when he lifts his head up, he makes sure to hold Taeyong’s gaze. Taeyong has seen that strength in Johnny’s eyes; he’s admired it for so long that he won’t mistake it for anything else. “I’m in love with you, Taeyong.”
Taeyong doesn’t think it’s possible to choke on thin air, but he feels like he’s choking now, throat clogged with something he can’t describe, words failing to come to him.
“What?”
Taeyong watches as the strength and determination in Johnny’s eyes fall away into something like despair, something so similar to the look he’d had when he'd heard he wouldn’t be debuting with Taeyong and the others.
Oh no, not again, Taeyong thinks. I’m not gonna hurt him again. But when Johnny’s words finally register to Taeyong, he realizes there’s nothing he can say that won’t hurt Johnny.
How does he turn down a person without hurting their feelings? Is it possible not to hurt someone when he tells them he doesn’t feel the same way about them?
“I—I.” Taeyong lifts his head to find that Johnny’s no longer looking at him. Johnny has his eyes on the floor of the room, fists clenched by his side, and Taeyong wants to tell him that he feels the same way, that he loves him too, but none of that is true; he doesn’t feel that way. Taeyong can’t lie to his best friend, and as much as he doesn’t want to hurt Johnny even more than he already has, there’s just no other way. “I’m sorry.”
The words are almost unbidden, but it’s the truth. Taeyong swallows the growing lump in his throat. Johnny takes a deep breath, and it’s so loud it practically echoes in the room.
“It’s okay.” Johnny doesn’t sound okay. “I understand.” When Taeyong finally looks up, Johnny’s walking out of Doyoung’s room, probably going back to his own.
Doyoung gives him a look, a mix of anger and understanding, but Taeyong can’t really say for sure. Doyoung also looks like he wants to run after Johnny, but he sighs and addresses Taeyong instead. “Why’re you here, hyung?”
It sounds rude, but Taeyong can barely think of a reply, let alone chastise the younger for his intonation.
“I—I was gonna talk to you about your schedule tomorrow.” Taeyong runs a hand over his face and sighs. “The manager wanted to talk to you so I came to tell you about it. I—”
Taeyong has never been good with words, but with his muddled mind, the words don’t come to him at all. Doyoung gives him a sympathetic look, pats his shoulder and says something like, “I’ll be right back.” And then he’s gone. Taeyong finds himself sitting down on one of the beds in the room, still lost.
“What just happened?” he asks himself. He thinks back to when he was standing outside Doyoung’s door. He’d smiled when he heard Johnny’s voice, thinking about what they could do that night to pass the time before they went to bed. And then Johnny’s voice softened, his voice broke as he spoke. That’s when Taeyong barged in, almost out of reflex, and he heard Johnny’s true feelings.
“I just don’t know what I’m gonna do anymore.”
“I love Taeyong so much.”
Johnny loves him… or is it loved now. Taeyong almost chokes. Johnny is—was?—in love with him. His heart hurts just thinking about it, but then, why does it hurt? Taeyong tries to look at his chest, asking it all the silent questions. He massages it with a hand, but it doesn’t help ease the pain. He takes a deep breath.
“Oh god,” Taeyong mutters. “I turned him down.” But what else could he have done? Taeyong doesn’t feel that way about Johnny.
Taeyong takes another deep breath before walking back to his room. Taeil gives him a weird look when all he does is lie down on his bed.
“You okay?”
“Yeah.”
It’s quiet in their room, but everything seems to be screaming at Taeyong, voices he can’t really decipher coming from nowhere and everywhere. They’re all telling him different things, things Taeyong can’t quite understand with all of the voices coming at him at once.
And the rest of the night passes like that, quiet in their room, but so loud in Taeyong’s mind.
When Taeyong wakes up, the sun filters through the gaps in the curtains hanging over their window. Taeil is seemingly nowhere to be found.
Taeyong’s barely slept at all with his thoughts plaguing him through the night. His heart, for some reason, still hurts, like it’s missing something. Like it isn’t whole. He shakes that thought away. That doesn’t even make sense.
He gets up and stretches his body. He can still feel fatigue clinging to his muscles, almost as if it will never leave. He sighs and walks out of his room. At least he doesn’t have a schedule today.
When he gets to the kitchen, he finds a few members hanging out in the dining area and the living room. He quickly notes the missing members: Donghyuck and Mark are the most obvious, since they have Dream comeback preparations going on. Johnny’s also missing, even though he doesn’t have a schedule. So is Doyoung, but Doyoung almost always has something going on.
“Where’s Johnny?” Taeyong asks the person nearest to him, which happens to be Yuta.
Yuta smirks up at him, his eyes glinting with mischief that they always seem to have. “You don’t know?” he asks in a tone that suggests that Taeyong always knows where Johnny is.
Taeyong frowns and doesn’t bother replying to that. As much as he wants to know where Johnny is, he doesn’t have the stomach to deal with Yuta’s shit-eating grin. At least not right now. He focuses on making breakfast instead.
The members come bounding out from wherever they are at the smell of food. Taeyong doubles the ingredients in the pan to fill the extra mouths he has to feed. By the time practically everyone’s gathered at the table, only Johnny is still missing. Taeyong looks around just to make sure.
“Has Johnny eaten breakfast?”
“Yeah, he has. You didn’t know?” Jaehyun’s tone is perfectly innocent, perfectly devoid of teasing, but the insinuation is there: that Taeyong knows Johnny’s schedule.
Taeyong stands up abruptly from the dining table. His grip on his bowl is tight, and he barely manages to say, “I’m eating breakfast in my room,” through gritted teeth.
Taeyong feels the guilt settle in as soon as he closes the door. He knows Jaehyun didn’t mean it like that, but just because he and Johnny are—were?—best friends doesn’t mean that he’d always know where Johnny is. It’s been about an hour since Taeyong woke up, and he still hasn’t seen or even heard Johnny come out of his room. Is he even in his room? he thinks.
Taeyong takes a seat on his bed, spooning some rice into his mouth. He’ll find out later. Eventually, Johnny will have to come out of his room, and maybe Taeyong can talk to him then, clear the air between them… or something.
Taeyong goes out of his room to dump his dirty dish into the sink and finds that some of the members are gone. When he asks Taeil where everyone is, the older replies with, “They went out, grocery shopping I think? They said they’d be home in time for lunch and that they’d buy it on the way.” Before Taeyong can even ask, Taeil adds, “Johnny’s with them.”
Taeyong frowns, but he’s not exactly sure why he’s upset. He sighs and washes the dirty dishes instead, knowing no one else will bother to do them. After he finishes washing and putting the dishes away, he decides to take a shower, hoping the warm spray of water will clear his head a little.
Despite the noise, he can hear the door slam shut and the bustle of a group talking over each other. His heart races at the idea of Johnny and others home. Finally, he thinks. He rushes to finish showering, all thoughts of clearing his head out the window.
He goes straight back to his room and pulls on the first thing he can reach, a flimsy sweater and loose sweatpants. When he joins the group in the dining area, he can feel his hair dripping, soaking a cold patch into his thin sweater. His face is wet with a mixture of sweat and shower water.
He must look like he rushed all the way to get to the dining room (because he did), and the other members seem to notice.
“You just missed him,” Yuta says before Taeyong can even open his mouth.
“Shit,” Taeyong mutters, bending down to his knees and taking some deep breaths.
A few of the members give him weird looks, and he even hears Ten whisper in Jaehyun’s ear, “Are they fighting?” He pretends he doesn’t hear and straightens up.
“Let’s eat?” he says with a smile. The weird looks continue, but thankfully, Yuta decides to take pity on him and begins handing out everyone’s share for lunch.
Usually, Taeyong would trek back to his room with Johnny, and sometimes Mark. He would write lyrics, and Johnny would be the first one to hear, to tell him what he thinks about it. Instead, Taeyong hangs back in the living room, occasionally eyeing the hallway in case Johnny comes out. He waits for hours. He’s played with the Dream kids, watched a movie with some of the others, planned what to cook for dinner, and even welcomed Doyoung home, but Johnny still hasn't come out.
Taeyong takes a deep breath and gets up to start cooking. Like an unspoken agreement, Jaehyun and Doyoung follow after him to help. He moves almost mechanically, grabbing utensils and ingredients, putting them together and ordering Doyoung and Jaehyun around.
“Hyung, are you okay?” Jaehyun asks when they’re in the middle of cooking the meat. Doyoung all but shoved Taeyong out of the way so he could do it because all Taeyong did was stare at the pan. “You’ve been sighing the whole day.”
Doyoung perks up at that. “You and Youngho hyung still haven’t talked?”
Taeyong frowns. “No.” And then he sighs. “I haven’t even seen him all day.”
“Oh,” Doyoung says, slowly and softly. “I guess that makes sense.”
“What’s going on?” Jaehyun finally asks.
“I’m not at liberty to say, sorry,” Doyoung replies easily, shrugging before going back to cooking. When Jaehyun turns to Taeyong, all Taeyong says is, “I don’t know.” Because that’s the truth. Taeyong doesn’t know what’s going on. He would very much like to talk it out, but Johnny obviously has other ideas.
When Jaehyun calls everyone for dinner, Doyoung turns to him and squeezes his shoulder in comfort. “Don’t worry, hyung, I’ll talk to him. Maybe that’ll help.”
Taeyong flashes him a small smile. “Thanks.”
Johnny skips dinner, or at least, he tells Jaehyun that he’ll have it later. Taeyong’s frown deepens as he eats. It doesn’t quite go away when he finally, finally decides to go back to his room. His mood worsens when he hears a door open and close, and then Johnny’s voice booms as he laughs with the other members.
Taeyong almost stomps out of his room to confront Johnny, but he decides against it. It’s very obvious to him now that Johnny’s avoiding him, and it’s not as if he doesn’t know why. He sinks back into his mattress and thinks about tomorrow.
They have a schedule the next day, so Taeyong hopes that no matter what, he and Johnny can at least talk. It doesn’t even have to be the talk, just a little conversation; a “hey, what’s up” would suffice.
He falls asleep that night dreaming of hope.
Johnny wakes all of the members up, like he always does. But this time, instead of shaking Taeyong and Taeil awake, he opens the door to let the light from the hall flash into their room and says, “Hey guys, it’s time to wake up.”
Taeyong, having barely slept the night before, is awake in seconds. He groans at the light, too much for his tired mind. Taeil doesn’t seem to notice. Taeyong groans before waking Taeil up. He’s seated on his bed, trying to catch his bearings when he realizes what just happened.
Johnny didn’t wake me up the usual way. Taeyong blinks a couple of times, trying to see if he remembered correctly, but there was no mistaking it. When he peeks out their door, he catches Johnny going in and out of rooms, presumably shaking the other members awake.
“Johnny didn’t wake us up?” Taeil finally asks, sitting up on his bed.
“No, no, he did, but…” Taeyong doesn’t know how to word it. “He’s avoiding me so he didn’t come inside the room,” sounds suspicious, so he just drifts off, hoping Taeil understands. Taeil seems to, humming and getting up.
“Okay, I’ll head to the shower then.”
Taeyong suddenly dreads cooking breakfast, but if not him, then who? He drags his feet to the kitchen, where Johnny’s already has the rice cooker started. Taeyong bites his lip and begins making breakfast.
Usually, when they have a schedule, Taeyong and Johnny make breakfast together. They have their own routine, but it works well with each others’. Johnny would start on the rice while Taeyong started cooking the side dishes. While Taeyong cooked, Johnny would make them coffee, handing Taeyong his own mug. He would also set the table and then sit down, waiting for Taeyong to finish. Sometimes they’d sing, but most times, they talked about whatever came to mind, Taeyong’s lyrics, Johnny’s books, music, anything and everything under the sun.
But now Taeyong cooks alone, and Johnny’s Americano lies forgotten on the table. Taeyong’s heart aches, and no matter how hard he presses his palm against his chest, it doesn’t go away.
When Johnny doesn’t come back even though the rest of the members are eating, he hands Mark a bowl and quietly tells him to give it to Johnny. This time, Taeyong’s sure Johnny hasn’t eaten yet. Even though they have cereal, they don’t have milk, and none of the pots and pans were touched before Taeyong started cooking. Everyone seems to look at Taeyong, assessing the situation but keeping quiet about it.
Taeyong sighs and leaves them looking, halfheartedly spooning some rice into his mouth. He barely holds back the urge to jump when Doyoung walks out of the hallway and into the dining room. Taeyong takes a deep breath and gently ushers the younger down to sit beside him.
“Hey,” Taeyong starts, throat working double time to pump out the words. “So did you talk to him?”
“Huh, what?” Doyoung blinks and rubs the sleep out of his eyes before regarding Taeyong. Doyoung pauses and studies him. Taeyong wonders how he looks in Doyoung’s eyes. Does he look as desperate and miserable as he feels? “Oh, right.” Doyoung’s voice drops to a lower volume. “I talked to him, but, I—I think you should give him some time.”
“Did he say that?” By now, Taeyong can hear his own desperation, knows that everyone on the table feels it too.
Doyoung’s eyes shift, struggling to look at anyone but him. He mutters something under his breath, and Taeyong pretends he’s not close enough to hear. “He said he didn’t wanna talk to you.” Doyoung bites his lip, looks at Taeyong with pity in his eyes. “Yeah, he did,” is what he does tell Taeyong.
But it’s too late. Taeyong already knows the truth.
Johnny walks out into the dining room, all showered and ready to go. He’s got an empty bowl in his hand that he washes in the sink. He’s completely quiet, and the rest of the members notice how the temperature drops. Taeyong shudders.
Taeyong can practically feel the tension between them, like he’s being pulled away from the other, but he won’t budge. He takes a deep breath and opens his mouth to say something even though Johnny has his back to him. When Johnny stands there, still quiet, Taeyong clamps his mouth shut and walks out of the dining room.
In the confines of his room, Taeyong finally breathes.
For a second, that’s all he does, gulping large amounts of air until he’s breathing normally again. He hadn’t realized that he’d been holding his breath until he closed the door behind him. In that moment, he’s okay, he’s fine. Or at least that’s what he tells himself. If he’s not okay, then he’ll be okay. If he’s not fine, he’ll be fine. But then there’s laughter out in the dining room, and it’s like a slap to his face.
Taeyong opens the door to take a peek at the dining room. The first thing he sees is Johnny, standing right behind Mark. He’s laughing and smiling, and his voice is so deep that it echoes. He also says something, maybe a joke because it gets the members laughing. It strikes Taeyong in the heart more than anything.
How can Johnny be so happy when we're not getting along? Why am I the only one who cares? Why is he the one that’s okay? Why does this hurt so bad? But what hurts the most is the loudest question of all.
I thought I was his best friend, but maybe that was just me?
Taeyong trudges after everyone as they file into the car. He makes sure that everyone who needs to go with them is accounted for, and once he’s done checking off everyone in his head, he opens the door to the front seat, almost regretfully.
Taeyong hates sitting at the front seat. It leaves him alone with no one to talk to but the manager, and sometimes, depending on the manager who takes them to their schedule, he doesn’t even talk at all. It makes him feel lonely even though the car is full with noisy chatter. It’s all noisy chatter he can’t find himself joining in.
He flashes a glance at the rearview mirror and has a good view of Johnny in the first row of seats, sitting beside Doyoung.
They’re leaning their heads together, talking in low whispers. It sounds like a serious conversation before Doyoung mutters something that makes Johnny chuckle, and then suddenly, Johnny’s smile never leaves his lips.
There’s that pang in his chest again, like someone is slowly but surely squeezing all the life out of his heart. He looks away and winces.
“You okay, Taeyong?” the manager asks, flashing him worried looks.
“Yes, I am.” Taeyong gives him a reassuring smile and tries to rub the ache out of his chest, but it doesn’t go away.
Taeyong refuses to look into the rearview mirror again. He keeps his eyes forward until they reach their schedule.
Thankfully, their stylists and makeup artists quickly usher them down into seats to work on their hair and makeup. Taeyong keeps his eyes on his phone while they busy themselves around them. When they finish, Taeyong takes a quick glance around the room, checking on the members. Yuta sits beside him, playing with Winwin, and Taeil sits beside them, completely engrossed in his music. Johnny, Doyoung, and Jaehyun have relocated on the couch where they’re peering at Doyoung’s phone. Mark and Donghyuck are joking around in the corner, but every once in a while, they’ll look up and give Taeyong and Johnny looks.
Taeyong sighs. It’s not like he can do anything about the atmosphere between him and Johnny. As much as he’s tried, Johnny won’t talk to him, and maybe Doyoung’s right, maybe Johnny just needs time.
When Taeyong looks at his mirror, he catches sight of Doyoung leaning into Johnny. Johnny just smiles and lets Doyoung lean into him like he weighs nothing. He’s got a hand on Doyoung’s arm, gently guiding him seeing as Doyoung’s laughing like a mad man who can’t really see that he’s got half his weight on Johnny.
Something dark creeps into Taeyong’s skin, making him clench his fists. His chest aches, and he can feel a frown forming on his lips. When he turns to look at his reflection, he finds that he’s not just frowning, he’s glaring, and he’s taken aback by his own reaction. A few of the members notice too.
“Taeyong,” Yuta starts, a hand on his wrist. Taeyong drops the expression immediately. “Are you okay?”
Taeyong shakes his head, like he’s trying to clear it and then smiles at Yuta. “Yeah, I’m fine, don’t worry.”
Taeyong excuses himself to the restroom before he can see any of the members’ worried looks. It doesn’t matter, none of it does, if the one person he wants to notice won’t notice.
When Taeyong comes back, he has just a few more minutes before they have to go backstage. A staff ushers them out of the dressing room, leading them closer to the stage. Taeyong watches as Johnny walks forward, walking right beside Doyoung, leaving the rest of them behind.
It’s not like Johnny is always stuck to Taeyong’s side. Sometimes, he’s stuck to Mark’s side, or even Jaehyun's, but this gluing himself to Doyoung is… somewhat new. Taeyong lags behind like he always does and watches Doyoung and Johnny talk to each other, voices low, but their heads are bobbing up and down like they’re nodding at each other.
They both start chuckling together, and Taeyong knows he’s got a disgusted look on his face, so he looks away. Jaehyun, who was apparently standing beside him, nudges him. “Hyung, why are you glaring at Johnny hyung and Doyoung hyung?”
“I’m not glaring!” But even to Taeyong, it sounds too defensive.
“Are you and Johnny hyung fighting?” Jaehyun’s got a worried look on his face even though he’s not looking at Taeyong.
“I—no, not really, but I don’t know, I don’t—” Taeyong gets cut off by another staff informing them that they’re up next on the stage.
Taeyong wants to say more but shakes his head at Jaehyun. Jaehyun looks like he wants to protest, so Taeyong quickly says, “It’s fine. We’ll be fine.”
Taeyong doesn’t believe that, but he has to at least get his members to stop worrying about this, even if it’s only for a little while.
They finish filming take after take, and Taeyong stays by Taeil’s side or Jaehyun’s. It’s easy enough to do when Johnny won’t talk to him, go to him, or even look at him. Taeyong tries a few times to catch Johnny’s eyes, but the taller seems occupied with what he and Doyoung are talking about. After their second break, Taeyong forces himself to give up.
On their way back to the dressing room, Taeyong wonders when Johnny and Doyoung got so close. He knows they’re good enough friends, but Johnny can be good friends with anyone. Their constant togetherness is different, something that Taeyong’s familiar with, something like best friends having inside jokes, something like he and Johnny are supposed to be.
Taeyong wants to know when this happened and how, but a part of him, the one he has identified as the rational one, tells him that he’s just seeing things. So he keeps his mouth shut and quietly follows the orders of their manager to change and get ready to go.
Taeyong stays quiet all throughout the day and only speaks when he has to, but even then, it’s not a loud voice he uses. He sits down in the front seat almost mechanically when they’re ushered back to the car. He makes sure to keep his head down and avoids looking in the rearview mirror. When they get back to the dorm, he keeps his eyes on the back of the member in front of him. And once in his room, he closes the door and lies down on the bed.
It’s been a long day and with all the thinking and stressing over Johnny, Taeyong feels even more tired than usual. He turns in his bed and remembers that it’s night time now, but early enough that the members have time to cook dinner. Taeyong almost makes himself get up to cook, but he remembers that Doyoung and Jaehyun are there, that they can cook too.
Taeyong reaches for his phone and checks the time and date. It’s been two days, he thinks, two days since Johnny stopped talking to him. Even when Taeyong was busy, they had time to talk; whether it was through KakaoTalk or in person, they always found the time to talk. But now, his phone remains devoid of any messages from Johnny, and Johnny hasn’t even glanced at him even though they’ve been in the same room since this morning.
Taeyong closes his eyes, but all he can see, hear and think is, “I miss Johnny.”
They repeat the same routine the next day. Johnny sticks to Doyoung, and Taeyong avoids looking at the two of them. Johnny doesn’t spare him a glance even though they’re in the same room, so Taeyong forces himself to talk to the other members so he’ll stop trying to look at Johnny. It gets easier as the day progresses, but the result leaves Taeyong feeling a little hollow.
After their takes, they get ushered back to their dressing room and wait for the end of the music show. Taeyong plops himself down on his chair and exhales loudly. The rest of the members follow after him, slipping down on chairs, and their manager rushes to get them water. The makeup artists and stylists rush to retouch their makeup before leaving them alone.
A part of Taeyong, mostly his eyes, wants to search the room for Johnny. But before they can even move, Taeyong excuses himself to the restroom. He leaves just before the members can question his decision. When he gets back, the traitors that are his eyes betray him by scanning the room and landing on Johnny with, of course, Doyoung. They’re on the couch again, and Johnny’s got an arm around Doyoung’s shoulder, helping him with something on his phone.
Taeyong feels the bubble of anger rising inside of him, but before it can turn into a boiling pit of fire, Taeyong takes a deep breath and occupies the vacant seat beside Yuta. The mirrors in front of him give him a good view of the couch, so he turns to face Yuta and just frowns.
“Do you wanna talk about it?” Yuta asks without looking at Taeyong. But Taeyong guesses Yuta is probably looking at him through the mirror.
Taeyong closes his eyes. He does want to talk about this, but he’s not sure whatever he’s going to say is going to make sense, so he takes a deep breath and blurts out the first thing that comes to mind. “When did Doyoung and Johnny get so close?”
Yuta stays quiet for a second, and when Taeyong spares him a glance, he catches the other looking at the reflection of Johnny and Doyoung. Yuta chuckles. “Why, are you jealous?” Taeyong knows he’s just teasing, but it feels like a brick slapped him with the truth.
He bites his lip and manages a hard to believe “No.”
Yuta gives him a look and shrugs. “I don’t know. I think they’ve always been close, although, I guess all those times when NCT127 first got formed brought them closer together? I’m pretty sure Johnny, Doyoung and Ten were always hanging out whenever we had schedules.”
“Oh.” And that honestly makes sense. It does.
Taeyong was busy, and even though Johnny and Doyoung had their own schedules, they were considerably freer than NCT127 members.
It makes sense that they would grow closer, and Doyoung’s a good friend, a good dongsaeng. He can cook, and he takes care of members well, almost like a mother. It makes sense that Johnny will find comfort in that, will find that presence to be better than Taeyong’s. Even though Taeyong’s the best friend, he hasn’t had the time to be there for Johnny when he needed him most, not with him debuting twice and before Johnny.
All throughout the day, Taeyong can’t get Yuta’s question out of his head. He’s smiling for the fans, but all he can hear is "Are you jealous?" On their drive home, even as he thinks about what to cook for dinner, that’s all he’s thinking about. And while cooking dinner, he finds himself asking the same question.
When he’s finally in bed, with his eyes closed, he can hear all the voices from his dreams screaming at him, “Are you jealous?”
“No,” Taeyong tells himself, but the rational part of him says, “yes.”
Taeyong wishes he could stop counting the number of days that Johnny spends not talking to him, but his brain refuses to stop, landing on three days, 20 hours and 48 minutes. He sighs and turns in his bed, facing Taeil who’s glued to his phone.
“Can’t sleep?” Taeil asks without looking away from his phone.
“What?”
Taeil chuckles and finally puts his phone down. In the darkness, Taeyong can just barely make out the smile on his face. “I was asking if you can’t sleep, because you’ve been sighing for the past hour.”
"Oh." Taeyong stays quiet, unsure of what to say. “I guess, yeah.”
“Does this have something to do with your fight with Johnny?”
“We’re not fighting,” Taeyong defends.
“Yeah, but you’re not talking either.”
Taeyong shrugs, but then he realizes that Taeil can’t see, so he clears his throat. “We’re just. It’s complicated.”
“Okay, but I’m telling you, you should just talk it out.”
Taeyong sighs. “That’s the problem. Johnny won’t talk to me. Every time I try, he finds some way to avoid me.”
Taeil’s quiet for a second before humming. “That’s weird.”
“He said he was in love with me,” and the words just come out naturally, and somehow, Taeyong feels a little lighter, like the problem isn’t solely his own.
“And you rejected him?”
“Yeah.” Taeyong turns to face their ceiling.
“I guess from Johnny’s point of view, I’d understand why he’d ignore you. I mean, it’s not easy, you know? To be rejected by the person you love and to see them everyday. He probably needs time to get over you before he can really face you again."
Taeyong groans. “I know that. I really do, but I can’t help the way I feel about it too. I mean, it feels like I lost my best friend, and there doesn’t seem to be a way to get him back. No matter how hard I try, Johnny won’t even look at me.” Taeyong presses his hands against his eyes, feeling like he might cry.
Taeil stays quiet, and when he still doesn’t say anything after a few minutes, Taeyong suspects that he’s fallen asleep.
“Why’d you reject him?” Taeil asks, almost out of the blue.
Taeyong takes a deep breath. “I don’t—I don’t feel that way about him.”
“Really?” Taeil hums, and only the rustle of his sheets tell Taeyong that Taeil’s still awake.
"What are you trying to say?" Taeyong remarks, almost offended.
Taeil chuckles. “Sorry, I mean. It just doesn’t seem that way to me, but I could be wrong. They’re your feelings after all. You should know them more than I do.”
And it hits Taeyong then that he hasn’t known what his feelings are in the past couple of days, hasn’t understood the aching of his heart at the sight of Johnny, of Johnny with Doyoung. “I—I don’t, I mean, I hadn’t realized that..."
“That what?”
“Fuck.” Taeyong groans. “I was too busy hurting that I didn’t bother to think about why I was hurting. Shit.”
“What?”
“I love Johnny too.”
Taeil mutters a soft, “I knew it!” in a surprisingly triumphant voice, but Taeyong’s too busy being hit left and right by realizations. Why his heart hurts; why Johnny and Doyoung make him so jealous even though Johnny and Doyoung have always been close; why this distance feels so suffocating when Johnny and Taeyong have had days when they couldn’t even talk to each other.
“I love Johnny," he whispers, more to himself than anything else.
“What’re you gonna do now?” Taeil asks. “I mean, now that you’ve turned Johnny down and he’s not speaking to you…”
Taeyong chuckles. “Shit. I don’t know.”
Taeil hums. “That sucks,” and he sounds like he really means it, so Taeyong doesn’t bother snapping at him. “But at least now you know how you feel. I don’t think it’s too late for the both of you yet, so fighting T.Y.”
Taeyong turns just in time to see Taeil pump his fist as he wishes Taeyong luck. He smiles, feeling a little better. “Thanks, hyung.”
“You’re welcome.”
Taeyong closes his eyes and finally falls asleep.
The knowledge that he’s in love with Johnny isn’t easy to carry, especially when said man is ignoring him. As much as Taeyong would like to go to Johnny and lay his heart on the line, the taller man finds ways of avoiding Taeyong like he’s the plague. Taeyong is almost impressed with how well Johnny’s avoided him. Almost.
He watches as Johnny spends their entire day off stuck to Doyoung’s side, again, laughing at the TV screen playing some cartoons. Taeyong barely resists making a face at their antics. He turns back to the kitchen, making himself some snacks so he can munch away the pain in his chest.
Now that he knows and understands how he feels, the sight of Johnny and Doyoung together fire a different kind of jealousy inside Taeyong. More than being replaced as a best friend, Taeyong fears that Johnny’s moved on with Doyoung.
Taeyong takes a quick peek at the two, seeing them smile at each other before bursting into a fit of giggles. It’s not hard to imagine how Johnny could fall in love with that, could find happiness in the company of Doyoung. Taeyong had rejected him, so Johnny is free to fall out of love with him and free to fall in love with Doyoung. Even if Taeyong really hates that idea.
Taeyong finishes making his snack and trudges back to his room. He refuses to be an audience to Johnny and Doyoung’s flirtations.
In the quiet of his room, Taeyong wonders if it’s even worth it to confess to Johnny. Johnny just looks so happy now, seemingly happier than he’s been in weeks. Taeyong thinks it might be because of Doyoung, but he doesn’t linger on that thought lest his heart break even more.
When he says this to Taeil later on, the older just gives him a look. “So you’re not gonna tell him because he looks happier?”
Taeyong shrugs. “When you put it that way, it sounds stupid.”
“I’m sorry,” Taeil says with a soft chuckle. “But it is stupid. You’re not supposed to tell Johnny you love him for him, you’re supposed to do it for yourself!” Taeil shakes his head, like Taeyong’s a grade school student who can’t understand his classes all of a sudden. Taeyong shrinks back in his bed and sighs.
“But I can’t even do that!” Taeyong groans. “Like I said, he won’t talk to me.”
Taeil sighs and plops down on his bed. “How about I help you out then? Sooner or later, Johnny’s gonna have to be alone some time. I’ll just make sure the rest of the members leave you alone then, okay?”
“How will I know when he’s alone?”
Taeil shrugs. “I’ll text you. Just leave everything to me.”
Taeyong isn’t comforted to hear that, but he does realize why he needs to tell Johnny his feelings. Just as Johnny took that risk, he should too, for himself, so he can get rejected and move on from this. But he doubts he could do it as soon as Johnny did. Taeyong feels like he’s been in love with Johnny for so long, he can’t imagine not having this feeling anymore.
Taeil pushes through with the plan the next day, a few hours after they’ve gotten home from their schedule. They’re all tired, and most of the members have gone straight to bed after dinner. That leaves just a few members lazing around in the living room and dining room. Somehow, while Taeyong was in the shower, Taeil had ushered everyone but Johnny to their rooms.
Taeyong’s all dressed up, a towel hanging on his neck for his hair, when he walks out of his room after Taeil had basically kicked him out. He pretends he’s going to get a glass of water when he catches Johnny on his phone. He doesn’t seem to notice Taeyong’s presence just yet, so Taeyong takes a deep breath and tries to play it cool.
He takes a few steps towards Johnny, forgetting all about the water and stands in front of Johnny. It’s been so long since he’s been this close to Johnny that it shifts Taeyong’s world in a different perspective. For the first time, he can see the dark circles under Johnny’s eyes, like he isn’t getting enough sleep or any sleep at all. The upturned curls of his lips face downward, so unusual on his face.
Taeyong stares and stares, until he realizes just how sad and broken down Johnny looks, so unlike himself when he’s with Doyoung. His heart pangs.
“Johnny,” Taeyong calls out, his voice soft and careful.
Johnny is shaken out of his stupor. He drops his phone, and Taeyong catches a glimpse of his photo before returning his gaze to Johnny’s eyes, looking far sadder than anything Taeyong’s ever seen.
“Taeyong,” Johnny says, almost in wonder, before his face hardens. “Sorry, I gotta go... sleep.” He stands up, but before he can walk away, Taeyong latches onto his wrist.
“Johnny, wait, there’s something I have to tell you.”
Johnny stiffens. Taeyong watches as Johnny’s entire body goes rigid before he’s turning an angry expression towards Taeyong.
“There’s nothing to talk to about, Taeyong.” He pulls his arm away from Taeyong’s hold. With the most heartbreaking voice Taeyong’s ever head, Johnny says, “Now, please, just leave me alone.”
Taeyong is too stunned to stop him, so he watches Johnny walk away, feeling as though Johnny’s stepping on the broken pieces of his heart.
Taeyong waits for a couple of minutes before he’s walking back to his room, ready to tell Taeil that he gives up. He doesn’t want to hurt himself or Johnny anymore. Just as he steps into the hallway, he catches Doyoung’s door ajar, and in the open space, he catches sight of Doyoung holding onto Johnny. Doyoung doesn’t seem to catch him looking as he closes the door, but Taeyong has the image burned into his mind forever.
“It’s over now,” is what he tells Taeil. He doesn’t bother elaborating, doesn’t bother explaining. It’s all Taeil needs to know because Taeyong isn’t sure he can survive retelling Taeil the events of that moment.
Taeyong cries himself to sleep that night, cries when he keeps hearing Johnny’s broken voice, cries when he sees Johnny in Doyoung’s arms, cries because Johnny’s moving on, but Taeyong doesn’t even know how to get there.
After spending the rest of his free time in bed, Taeyong finally wills himself to get up. He hasn’t been able to get up unless it’s for work, and he’s glad that they’ve got Jaehyun, and regretfully, Doyoung to cook for them when he’s unable to. He sighs and goes to the kitchen to make breakfast. It’s another day off today, but Taeyong’s getting tired of his pity party of one, so here he is making breakfast for everyone, hoping it’ll cheer himself up somehow.
Taeyong’s in the middle of frying eggs, in the middle of finally feeling a lot better than he has in days, when Doyoung greets him with a soft and sleepy “good morning.” He sighs as his good mood disappears.
“Morning,” he reluctantly replies. Taeyong hastens to cook breakfast so he can avoid having to talk to Doyoung. He doesn’t wanna talk to the man who stole Johnny from him... even though Johnny was never really his.
As their designated cook, Taeyong places a bowl of breakfast in front of Doyoung before eating his own. “Make sure to tell the others that breakfast has been cooked and that they can just get it themselves.”
“You’re not gonna hang out with us, hyung?”
Taeyong shrugs.
“Are you okay? You’ve been holed up in your room all the time lately.”
Taeyong takes a deep breath as he tries to hold himself back from rolling his eyes. He repeatedly chants to himself that it’s not Doyoung’s fault that Johnny’s chosen him. He manages to flash Doyoung a forced smile. “I’m fine.”
Doyoung squints and studies him for a few seconds. It irks Taeyong, suddenly feeling exposed and bare.
“Do you have something you wanna tell me, hyung?”
Taeyong almost glares, but before he can direct it to Doyoung, he schools it into a neutral expression. He opens his mouth to say, “no,” but nothing comes out. The truth is that there’s a lot he wants to say, not just to Doyoung, but to Johnny as well. He wants to tell them that it’s unfair, that he’s sorry, that he just wants them to be happy, but it hurts, everything hurts. He wants to say a lot of things, but he finds that none of them are relevant, that they’re all selfish, and Taeyong has been selfish right from the start.
Taeyong sighs. He doesn’t want to be selfish anymore, so he blurts out the most selfless thing he can think of saying. “Just, take care of Johnny okay? He seemed really sad last night, and I know you two are together, so just take care of him because I can’t do it anymore.”
Doyoung gives him the most wide-eyed look he can muster. “W-what?” he stammers. “Hyung, what’re you saying?”
Taeyong barely resists the urge to roll his eyes. He’s not in the mood to play games, especially not after what he’d just said. “I’m telling you to take care of Johnny. What’s so hard to understand?”
“I’m not talking about that.” Doyoung rolls his eyes. “I’m talking about the part where you say we’re together. Johnny hyung and I aren’t together. As far as I’m concerned, he’s still very much in love with you.”
“What?”
Doyoung rolls his eyes again, and Taeyong really wishes the younger wouldn’t do that. “I’m saying that Johnny hyung is still in love with you.”
“Oh,” Taeyong says, not really getting it. But when he does, he stands up abruptly. “Oh!”
“Exactly.” Doyoung shakes his head.
“I have to go,” is all Taeyong says before he’s sprinting to Johnny’s room. Taeyong doesn’t care, doesn’t stop to think about it as he pushes Jaehyun out of the room, leaving him with a frazzled Johnny.
“What’s going on?” Johnny asks, getting up from his bed. His hair’s all mussed up, and he’s rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, and all Taeyong can think about is how much he loves Johnny and how much he would love to wake up to the sight of that.
“I love you.”
“What?” Johnny asks again, eyes wide with confusion and seemingly more awake now.
Taeyong doesn’t bother repeating himself just yet. Instead, he walks towards Johnny’s bed and sits down by the edge of it. The smile on his lips makes him think that he’s a madman, but he can’t help how happy and light he feels.
“Youngho,” Taeyong says, his hand coming up caress Johnny’s face. “I love you.” He can’t pretend that the confused and pained look on Johnny’s face doesn’t hurt, but he takes a deep breath and readies himself to fight for his feelings.
Johnny leans into his hand for a second before flinching away. Taeyong reluctantly brings his hand back to his side.
“You—Is this a joke?” Johnny runs his hands through his hair. “Because I swear, Taeyong—”
Before Johnny can say more, Taeyong shuts him up by pressing his lips against Johnny’s. They’re softer than he’d expected, tempting Taeyong to lean in a little more just to feel them pillowing against his own.
Johnny returns the kiss, fingers tangling in Taeyong’s hair, pulling him in so he can deepen the kiss. They fall back into bed, with Taeyong lying half on top of Johnny, trying to remember how to breathe because it’s been so long since someone took his breath away like this.
Just when Taeyong thinks he could kiss Johnny forever, the taller pushes him back harshly, looking as though he’d been betrayed. “What the fuck are you doing?” he says in perfect English, but somehow the words register in Taeyong’s ears, knows exactly what Johnny’s asking.
“You won’t listen to me,” Taeyong starts to say, voice low before growing louder. “So I’m trying to show you how I feel, that I love you, Youngho, but you’re not listening.” His voice breaks at the last word, and that gets Johnny’s attention, his grip on Taeyong’s shoulders loosening.
“You can’t just—that’s not how this works,” Johnny says softly, sitting back up.
“Then how does it work? Because I can’t stand to spend another day without you talking to me, without you standing beside me. I can’t even—I can’t even handle seeing you with Doyoung all friendly. If this isn’t how it works, then tell me how it does because—because I’m going crazy here thinking about how much I miss you, how much my heart hurts when I you’re not where I expect you to be.” Taeyong pants, breathless by his rant. He closes his eyes, afraid to see rejection in Johnny’s eyes, but Johnny’s hand comes up to wrap around his, squeezing. Taeyong takes it as a sign to look at the man that makes his heart race.
“Is this—it’s true?”
Taeyong scoffs. “I wouldn’t joke about this, not—I’m not this desperate because I miss my best friend. I’m desperate because I’m afraid I lost my chance to be with you.”
“Oh.” Johnny stays quiet for a second, but his thumb starts rubbing circles against the back of Taeyong’s hand, so it’s not all bad. Finally, he says, “Come here.” This time, he caresses Taeyong’s cheek and pulls him in.
When their lips meet halfway, Taeyong finally feels whole, complete. He sighs into the kiss before wrapping his arms around Johnny. Johnny eagerly pulls him close, lying back down on the bed and savoring the feeling of Taeyong’s lips against his.
Johnny coaxes Taeyong’s lips open, his tongue tasting everything Taeyong has to offer. Taeyong can’t remember the last time he was kissed like this, but he lets Johnny do what he wants, tastes Johnny for himself before sucking on that tongue and curling it around his own.
They don’t know how long they spend getting their lips acquainted but when they finally pull away, Taeyong’s panting so hard, his arousal brushing against Johnny’s thigh. He can feel Johnny’s own hardness against his stomach. When he adjusts himself so he can be face to face with Johnny, Johnny groans, and Taeyong can’t help but smirk down at him.
“Don’t,” Johnny warns playfully, but his arms hold Taeyong tight. Taeyong stops moving, knowing that he isn’t unaffected by his own ministrations.
“So,” Taeyong starts, anything to get his mind out of his growing arousal. “Does this mean you’re my boyfriend now?”
“Yes. Yes, it does.”
The cheeky smile on Taeyong’s face blooms into a grin, and he leans in to kiss Johnny one more time before taking a deep, deep breath.
“Okay good. Now, please, please stop ignoring me.” He burrows himself into Johnny’s chest, feeling Johnny’s arms wrap around his waist.
“Never again,” Johnny whispers in his ears, causing shivers to run down his spine. “But this doesn’t mean I’ve forgiven you for dumping me the first time.”
Taeyong groans, but he’s got a smile on his face when he meets Johnny’s eyes. “Then I guess I’ll just have to make up for it for the rest of my life.”
They both know what Taeyong’s trying to imply, and even though forever sounds like a long, long time from now, they both know that they’ll make it. Together.