Work Text:
It was a day just like any other at the Armed Detective Agency. The part-timers were all busy taking calls, sorting files, and keeping tabs on the city’s current affairs. Ranpo was sitting at his desk with his feet kicked up on it and a lollipop in his mouth. Yosano and the President were in their respective offices. Kenji, Tanizaki, Atsushi, and Kyouka were writing up mission reports. Kunikida was looking over reports that had already been filled out.
...And Dazai was sitting on his ass reading a fashion magazine.
No one wanted to bother asking Dazai to get up and work. Everyone knew that he would only listen if he felt like it. He was lazier than Ranpo was, at times. The only difference between him and Ranpo was that he wasn’t the reason the Agency had been founded, so it was a tad more annoying and a bit more unfair to the others when he wasn’t working.
Even so, there were a few people in the Agency who had a certain amount of influence over Dazai. Kunikida was one of those people. Most of the time, that influence wasn’t exerted unless the situation was critical, but there were a few cases in which that influence would be exerted simply because Kunikida was annoyed by him. And in this case, that influence was exerted because Dazai was singing some song about a double suicide right next to Kunikida while he was trying to work.
“For God’s sake, Dazai! Would you put that magazine down, quit singing that insufferable song and actually get some work done for once? You have two overdue reports already!”
Dazai frowned, whined, and quit singing, but he didn’t put his magazine down.
“Oh, give me that,” Kunikida grumbled, reaching over to snatch the magazine away from Dazai and staring at the cover of it with a raised eyebrow. “Since when are you interested in fashion magazines?” he asked skeptically.
“Oh, I’m not,” Dazai said with a slight laugh that was almost a scoff. He stood up from his chair and then knelt on the desk so that he could reach over and take the magazine back from Kunikida. He opened the magazine and flipped to the page that he had been reading and showed it to Kunikida. “I am, however, interested in this.”
Kunikida looked at the page that Dazai had opened for him. It was an eyeshadow advert that featured a male model. Kunikida wasn’t any less skeptical than before. Dazai wasn’t interested in makeup, and though he was interested in men, he wasn’t the type to sit down and admire random magazine models, especially not since he and Kunikida had started going out.
“What’s so interesting about this?” Kunikida asked.
“It just made me think, why don’t you ever wear makeup, Kunikida?” Dazai asked, looking at Kunikida with puppy-dog eyes. “You’d look so pretty! You’re definitely the kind of man who could pull it off.”
A slight blush rose in Kunikida’s cheeks and he looked away from the magazine, adjusting his glasses with a huff. “My face is fine just the way it is. Why should I bother spending unnecessary time and money to change my appearance when I’m already happy with it?”
“Well, of course your face is just fine the way it is! You’re beautiful, Kunikida!” Dazai said matter-of-factly, causing Kunikida’s blush to grow darker. “But sometimes it’s fun to dress up a little, you know? Makeup is just dressing up for your face!”
Kunikida grabbed the magazine from Dazai again, rolled it up, and dropped it into the garbage can that was beside his desk. “Quit trying to convince me to live out your frivolous fantasies and get back to work,” he grunted.
Dazai blinked at the garbage can twice, then settled back into his chair with a sigh and a shrug. “Well, it was worth a shot.”
---
It was a day just like any other at the Armed Detective Agency. The part-timers were all busy taking calls, sorting files, and keeping tabs on the city’s current affairs. Ranpo was sitting at his desk with his feet kicked up on it and a lollipop in his mouth. Yosano and the President were in their respective offices. Kenji, Tanizaki, Atsushi, and Kyouka were writing up mission reports. Kunikida was looking over reports that had already been filled out.
...And Dazai was going on and on about some giant bug on the ceiling above the sinks in the men’s bathroom.
“It’s huge, Kunikida! I don’t even know what it is! You have to come see it! It’s seriously freaking me out!”
Kunikida didn’t even bother to look at Dazai. “It’s a bug. You’re an Armed Detective. I think you’ll be fine.”
“But Kunikiiiidaaaa!” Dazai whined, grabbing Kunikida’s arm and trying to drag him out of his seat. “It’s really weird! Just come look at it for a minute and help me get it off of the ceiling, pleaaaaase? Please please please please please--”
“Jesus Christ, alright! Fine! I’ll come see your damn bug!” Kunikida shouted, pushing his chair away from his desk and standing up.
With a wide grin on his face, Dazai pulled Kunikida away and into the men’s bathroom.
Upon entering the bathroom, though, Kunikida discovered that there was not actually a big nasty bug on the ceiling. He doubted if there was a big nasty bug anywhere in the bathroom. Instead, there was an eyeshadow pallet, a case for eye contacts, an eyeliner pen, a tube of mascara, a bottle of liquid foundation, and a makeup brush all laid out on the counter. Dazai still had a shit-eating grin on his face.
“What’s all this about?” Kunikida asked, gesturing towards the makeup and glaring at Dazai.
“Well, you said you wouldn’t try wearing makeup because you didn’t want to spend your time or money on it, so I decided to spend money for you! Also, I’ll be the one putting your makeup on!” Dazai exclaimed.
Kunikida shook his head and threw his hands up by his face. “What? No, Dazai, I don’t have time for this. I’m not letting you put that makeup on me.”
“But Kunikida! I watched lots of tutorials online, so I know all about how to do it! I even practiced some on myself last night! I’ll make you look very nice, I promise!”
“No, Dazai, this is ridiculous, you--”
“Trust me, Kunikida. Just this once,” Dazai said, lowering his voice and giving Kunikida those puppy-dog eyes again, “pretty please?”
Kunikida fell silent for a moment, then let out a heavy sigh and dropped his arms at his sides. “Fine. Fine. I’ll let you put that stupid makeup on me, but just this once, understand? I don’t want you to bug me about it ever again.”
“Deal!” Dazai agreed, then carefully removed Kunikida’s glasses from his face.
“H-hey, what are you doing with those!?” Kunikida stuttered as Dazai folded the glasses up and set them down on the counter.
“I have contacts for you,” Dazai said plainly.
“I-I can’t just wear any old contacts, Dazai! I need some that match my prescription or I won’t be able to see anything!”
“I know. I brought your contacts from your house.”
“What? How did you get into my house!?”
“Through the bedroom window.”
“How did you--”
Kunikida stopped himself, sighing heavily again. He knew that there wasn’t any point in pursuing the matter. He likely wouldn’t be happy with the answer that he received, and it was best if he didn’t get angry at his boyfriend for something like this. This was just the way that Dazai was. He had learned how to deal with it by now.
He looked down at the contacts case that was on the counter and opened it. Dazai leaned against the counter as he watched Kunikida examine the contacts and then put them in. Once he had finished, Dazai turned him around to face him and smiled.
Dazai grabbed the bottle of liquid foundation off the counter and opened it up. He pumped some of it onto his fingertips and then set the bottle down again. He used his free hand to push Kunikida’s bangs out of his face and then rubbed the foundation off his fingertips and onto Kunikida’s face. He used his fingers to spread it out until all of it was blended evenly.
Next, he opened the eyeshadow pallet and picked up the makeup brush. There were a few different colors on the pallet, but Dazai chose a green that somewhat resembled the color of Kunikida’s eyes. He cupped Kunikida’s chin in his hand and then held the makeup brush close to Kunikida’s left eye.
“Close your eyes for me for a moment, please,” he requested.
With another sigh, Kunikida did as he was told.
Dazai lightly dusted over Kunikida’s eyelids with the green powder until he was satisfied with the look. Then, he picked up the eyeliner pen and lined Kunikida’s eyelids, giving him slight wings. He let go of Kunikida’s face and stepped back a little once he was finished.
“You can open your eyes now,” he said as he picked up the tube of mascara from the counter.
Kunikida opened his eyes and blinked a few times.
Dazai turned to him again. “Look up for me. Don’t move your head, just your eyes,” he instructed.
Once again, Kunikida did as he was told, and Dazai put a few coats of mascara on both his top and bottom lashes, then closed the tube and set it down on the counter.
“Well, we’re finished,” he said, smiling triumphantly. “Take a look in the mirror. What do you think?”
Kunikida turned so that he was facing the mirror and stared at himself in it. The foundation that Dazai had put on him was not enough to hide the red tint that started to grow in Kunikida’s cheeks. Dazai’s expression softened.
“Kunikida?” he said quietly, walking behind Kunikida, wrapping his arms around Kunikida’s waist and resting his chin on top of Kunikida’s shoulder.
“Huh?” Kunikida replied, not taking his eyes off of his reflection.
Dazai laughed quietly and kissed Kunikida’s cheek. “You look great.”