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Izana wrapped a towel around themselves and climbed out of the bath. They had probably been in too long, judging by the state of their fingers, but long hot soaks were well worth the price of pruny fingers.
They padded softly over to the sink, enjoying the feel of both the cold floor under their feet and the warm steam on their skin. Crouching down, they rummaged in the sink cabinet for a cup, before straightening, turning on the tap, and placing the cup under the stream of cool water.
The sink’s mirror was coated in condensation but Izana examined their blurry form in it anyway, waiting for the cup to fill. They couldn’t make out much: dark hair, sandy flesh, and ruby towel. If they squinted, they could just about make out the slate grey colour of their artificial joints on one arm, but not enough to indicate that the whole limb - along with the opposite leg - were entirely artificial.
They shut off the tap and scooped the cup up out of the sink.
Izana liked looking at themselves like this; all vague generalisations and confusing blurs. It was comfortable, a sensation that looking in the mirror rarely produced these days. No need to steel themselves, no need to push through waves of discomfort and revulsion, no need to fight themselves to continue to look at their changed form.
Transitioning from their previous androgyny to their current femininity had come with a laundry list of changes, but chief among them had been - and still was - Body Dysphoria.
Izana toyed with the cup before bringing it to their lips and taking a mouthful of cold water.
Grandma had said that some discomfort was only to be expected in any new form.She had said that the mind always took a few days to catch up to the changes. She had said that Intersex people rarely had to deal with dysphoria lasting longer than a few days. She had said that only a handful among thousands of intersex individuals suffered from gender rejection these days. Not like in the earlier days of the project, she had said with a smile that had reassured Izana far more than any of the medical textbooks had ever managed.
But now that the sixth month had been and gone,what Grandma had said was far less reassuring than it used to be.
Izana took a few deep breaths to steel themselves, before tipping the cup over the mirror and washing away the condensation.
It took a moment for Izana to connect the revealed figure now reflected with themselves, but afterwards the familiar horror hit them like a physical blow.
Less severe than usual however, Izana noted, as they breathed out slowly and swallowed bile.
It was unsettling how much easier it was to continue looking after that first blow, and dysphoria died down to mere discomfort and mild nausea. Well, as long as they avoided certain areas; anywhere near their chest, their waist or their hips would instantly restart the mental screams of “ NOT RIGHT NOT ME ”.
Though far less so today it seemed. A faint hope that this was the long promised acclimatization, but Izana quickly dismissed it. Slightly less discomfort after half a year was hardly acclimatizing.
So what was it then? Something had to have made today slightly better, so Izana continued to examine their reflection. Was it the lighting? No, the lights where the same as always. The angle, maybe? It didn’t look any different from usual, but their body proportions were slightly changed. It looked like they were less, well not less curvy but definitely less something . And their breasts were smaller at this angle, which was a relief - those had always been the biggest danger zone..
Izana frowned and looked harder at themselves in the wet mirror. It wasn’t the angle at all, on closer inspection their breasts definitely had gotten smaller. And significantly so! But that didn’t make any kind of sense: in order for them to reduce that much that quickly would mean either they were suffering from severe malnutrition - which they clearly weren't - or that they were in the early stages of Transiti-
A new wave of horror, completely unrelated to the previous dysphoria, washed over them. The cup slipped unnoticed from their fingers and shattered on the floor.
No, no, no! It couldn’t be that be that, not so soon after the last time! It just couldn’t be! Surely their body need more time that to recover between transitions? They still couldn’t look themselves in the mirror, they couldn’t possibly be ready to go again, let alone already starting again!
Six months, whispered a quiet, cruel part of themselves.
Please. Please don’t be that, not again. Wasn’t once enough? Enough of confusing mood swings, enough of the daily nasty discoveries, enough of the sickening feeling of their bones shifting to fit an alien shape?
No, I-it had to be a trick of the light! It probably was the angle after all, if not body position, then… then maybe it was the mirror's angle! Or they were wearing the towel differently! Something!
There is an easy way to check, whispered the voice again After all, bra sizes don’t lie.
Izana’s eyes swept from the mirror to the closed laundry hamper. Fear and hope warred inside them, the rolling in their stomach threatening to bring its contents back up at any moment. They reached out a shaking hand towards the lid.
No, they decided pulling back, not from the laundry. Just because you were unsettled like this was no reason to put dirty clothes back on after a bath. The test would work just as well with clean clothes, better probably. Then they would see that this was all just a silly mistake, return to their familiar ritual of feeling uncomfortable in front of the mirr-
You’re stalling.
Anger rose inside Izana, replacing the previous fear. Who did that voice think it was? Stupid disembodied asshole thought it could mock them? Well they would show them!
Careful, you sound like a crazy person.
With a muffled scream, Izana swept from the bathroom and stomped through the house. They crossed the hall in few heavy steps and ripped open the door to their room. Their eyes fell on the clothes drawers, the key to silencing the annoying voice.
Izna descended upon the drawers with barely controlled fury. They violently tossed clothes over their shoulder, pausing only to humour their need for decency by donning the first pair of briefs they came across.
With a shout of triumph, they pulled out a bra and held it out like a trophy in front of them. This was it! Proof!
And as quickly as it had risen up all the anger drained out of them, leaving them once again at the mercy of hope and fear. The two emotions warred inside them as they stared at the underwear they held in their hands.
What if they were Transitioning?
What if it was happening all over again? What would they do? They could barely stand their feminine form, but at least it was a known quantity. If they transitioned back to Intersex again, would they bring their dysphoria over to that form as well? Or worse, what if they didn’t stop at Intersex and carried on through to their masculine form? The mere idea brought intense waves of nausea that left no doubt in their mind that their dysphoria would be just as bad, if not worse, in that form.
Izana wasn’t sure they could endure more dysphoria.
They weren’t sure if it was the idea or the temperature of the dark room that had caused goosebumps to pop up all over their flesh, but it brought them back to the topic of clothes. They were going to have to put the damn bra on eventually, if only to avoid catching a cold.
Izana gritted their teeth, and pulled the bra on.
Izana sat in the centre of their room, and waited for the impact. When nothing happened relief washed over them, and Izana started to feel a bit silly for expecting so much from simply getting dressed. They had clearly made this out to be a much bigger deal than it really was.
But then more subtle feeling filtered in, and the fit of the bra didn’t feel the same as usual. There was a certain looseness about the cups, and they reached much higher than felt right. A fearful glance downwards confirmed what touch suggested.
Their bra was too big.
Heart pounding in their ears, throat closing like a vice, they stared down at the undeniable proof that their body was changing once again. Shaking hands pressed to the material, as if they could disprove this.
A sob choked its way out of their throat and their eyes began to burn with tears.
No! Th-they couldn’t do this! Not for a second time! Not again, not after the first time had been so awful! And this one, this one was going to be worse! How could it be anything else! I-it was too much! And now they had to do it again? It was too much for them, too much for anyone!
Another sob bubbled passed the blockage, before their resistance shattered and they broke down into uncontrollable tears.
How were they supposed to do this? How did they do this before?
Denial.
They had clung to denial for so long but, like now, that had been snatched away from them at the end. How had they coped then? There had to be something! They remembered feeling humiliated, and scared, a-and had gone looking for help! Someone they felt they could trust, someone close to th-
“Y-Yuhata! I need Yuh-hata!”
They scrambled across the room, blinded by their own tears, groping around for their phone. They jerked back and forth across the floor, sweeping and patting. Finally they found it, hidden under a hastily tossed jacket, and snatched it up.
They could call Yuhata! Yuhata would help! She had before, she could do so again!
Really? whispered that nasty little voice.
Izana froze mid sob, in a mixture of confusion and dread. Why wouldn’t Yuhata help? Yuhata had always helped! They trusted her and they had never had a reason to doubt her before, let alone now, when they needed her. What had changed since then?
Who do you think is responsible for doing this to you? You hoped for a relationship with him, and you changed into this. Now you are in a relationship with her, and you are going to change into that.
Izana’s hands shook even harder than before, violent sobs racking their entire body, and their vision swam.
And worse than that, she’ll be pleased . Pleased that you’re changing for her this time, pleased you are becoming what she wants!
Shut up! Izana mentally screamed at the voice Shut up! ShutupShutupShutup! SHUT! UP!
They fought to control their choking sobs as they dialed with weak and shaking hands. Dialed the person they desperately needed, and who they were now terrified of needing.
--- --- ---
The house was silent and dark when Yuhata reached it.
“Izana?” Yuhata called “Izana, are you in there?”
Silence answered her question.
Yuhata bit down on her growing panic, and began fumbling with her keys to the front door. The question had been pointless - she had abused her Captain’s Privileges to locate Izana, and knew their current location down to the centimetre. It was highly unethical, but Izana’s call had her rattled and the dark silent house wasn’t helping.
Yuhata hadn’t been able to make out a single word in Izana’s call through all their loud wracking sobs, but their distress had been clear and immediate. She didn’t even bother counting the number of regulations she broke to get here so fast.
Yuhata swore as she fought with the lock, horrible possibility after horrible possibility presenting themselves to her. Finally the lock caught and Yuhata smashed open the door with her shoulder, which crashed into the wall behind it. Yuhata ran into the house, shouting all the while.
“Izana! Where are you? Izana? IZANA?”
Yuhata ripped open the sliding door into the hallway, and froze as the horrible sound of sobbing filtered down it. Then she sprinted down the hall, following the weeping.
Yuhata skidded to a halt, panting, at the doorway to Izana’s room. It was open, and the room beyond was dark and messy. It took a moment for her eyes to adjust, and a moment further to scan the room and locate Izana.
They lay crumpled in a puddle of clothes, wearing nothing but their underwear, choking out sob after tortured sob.
“Izana...” Yuhata whispered tentatively “Izana, what’s wrong? What happened?”
Izana showed no sign of hearing. Fear and worry lanced its way up into Yuhata’s heart, and she crept across the floor to their side. Kneeling, she gently grasped their shoulder and whispered again, “Izana? What’s wrong Izana?”
Beneath her hand Izana’s shoulder was icy cold.
Panic screamed through Yuhata, born of fear and worry, but she mercilessly crushed it into nothing. She grabbed the bedcovers, wrapped them around Izana, and pulled the whole lot into a tight embrace.
“Hey,” Yuhata whispered, stroking Izana head, “hey, I’m here Izana. You called and I’m here now. You’re safe Izana, I’m here.”
Izana tensed in her arms, which ignited a fresh burst of worry, but they still burrowed deeper into her embrace. They were tense all over and shook in her arms, but whether it was the result of the tears or the cold she couldn’t tell.
Yuhata began to rub their back through the thick bed covers in slow, soothing circles. Her eyes scanned the dark room, searching for explanations but found only more questions. Why was it so dark? Why were there clothes everywhere? Why was Izana so undressed?
The combination of the blankets, soothing whispers, and gentle back rubs seemed to be working to calm Izana at least. Izana mumbled something into Yuhata’s chest, but she still couldn’t understand what exactly.
“Calm down Izana,” Yuhata whispered into Izana’s hair. “I’ve got you. You're safe, it’s alright. Just - Just take deep breaths, and try to calm down.”
Slowly, painfully, Izana did calm. Their shivering stilled, and they relaxed into Yuhata’s embrace. She continued to whisper comforting words in their ear and held them close.
Eventually Izana’s tears stopped completely and they laid there, quiet and exhausted, curled up in Yuhata’s arms.
“Izana,” Yuhata said soothingly, to the top of their head, “Izana, that sounded like it took a lot out of you. I’m going to go and make some tea, and find something to eat. Is that alright?”
Izana nodded silently.
“Great. But while I’m gone, I’m going to need you to put some more layers on. Could you do that for me, Izana?”
Izana nodded silently once more, but this time they slowly began to slowly push themselves up. Yuhata carefully helped them up into a comfortable sitting position, and then grabbed a few warm looking clothes from the pile and placed them in easy reach of Izana.
She walked to the doorway, glanced backed to see them slowly reach for the clothes, and headed back down the hall. Now Izana was out of sight, Yuhata’s mind tried to return to a thousand awful possibilities. She disconnected those thoughts, leaving them to float away untouched, and brutally forced back down a resurgence of panic and fear. Neither would help Izana, and thus were worthless.
What happened? What in the name of Sidonia happened here?
She reached the entrance of the house. She had left the door wide open with the keys hanging from the lock, and a quick glance behind it showed that she had done a real number on the wall opening it. She sighed, before wiggling the keys free and shutting the door. Then she made her way to the kitchen.
Yuhata prepared the tea robotically, her mind poring over every detail of what she had seen in search of clues to Izana’s distress. But no matter how many times she analysed the piles of clothes or their frozen skin, no answers were forthcoming. With a sigh she assembled the teapot, cups, and a few fruits on a tray, and then carefully returned to Izana’s room.
Halfway down the hall she noticed the bathroom lights were on, and glanced inside. Fragments of cup lay scattered about the floor, and water coated the floor, but that raised more questions and offered no answers.
Izana had managed to put on a pair of shorts and a jumper in the time she was gone, and was sat on the bed, with the covers hugged to their chest. Yuhata placed the tray down on the side, and poured tea into the two cups
“Here,” she said, sitting down beside Izana and handing them a cup, “it’s a little cooler than usual, so best drink it quickly.”
Izana stared at her, eyes searching for something , before slowly accepting the cup. Yuhata watched them carefully as they slowly sipped at the tea.
They sat together in silence, drinking tea, until Izana had finished the entire cup.
“Another?”
“Please.”
Yuhata smiled at that. Speaking was good, and so was thirst. Yuhata refilled both cups, and passed Izana one of the oranges along with their cup.
She sat back down and watched them sip from the cup while peeling the orange using only their artificial hand, manipulating their ten half-digits in a mesmerising display of dexterity.
Yuhata began to sip from her own cup, and waited. She watched Izana slowly begin to eat the orange, and waited for half of it to disappear before breaking the silence.
“Do you want to talk about it, Izana?” she said softly, careful watching the steam rise from her cup. “We can if you want.”
She felt Izana instantly tense up beside her, and she turned to them smiling gently.
“And if you don’t want to, we can do that too,” she continued. “Whatever you need right now.”
Izana stared deeply into their cup, the half eaten orange forgotten.
“I… I want to talk about it. But I don’t know where to start.”
Yuhata waited for them to continue, but they seemed unwilling to say more than that. She carefully put down her cup beside the teapot and watched how Izana winced at the noise.
“Right then,” she said, and then pulled Izana sideways into her lap.
“Yuhata!” Izana shouted, desperately trying to prevent tea from spilling everywhere, “what are you doing?”
“Step one. Step one is all about getting comfortable,” Yuhata said sagely, as if she hadn’t nearly drenched the pair of them. “It is a very important step. Are you comfortable?”
Izana stared down at them.
“Perfect! On to stage two then,” she continued. “Talking. Forget making sense, forget giving me a detailed background, or all the sides to the story. Just… say what you need to.”
Izana was silent for a long time, curling themselves around their cup and avoiding eye contact. Yuhata wrapped her arms around them, pressed her forehead into their shoulder, and waited.
“I’m scared,” Izana murmured.
Yuhata was said nothing, but squeezed them in a way she hoped was reassuring.
“Do you… do you remember when I first asked to consult with you?”
“...consult with me?” Yuhata muttered, raising her head as she searched her memory.
Leaning on a balcony built into the very edge of the world. Cherry blossoms drifting gently down. Feeling peace after so many months of war. A pair of beautiful dark eyes. Subdued wanting. A pleading voice. Concern. A secret shared. Regret. A request for aid ...Weakness.
“Yes. Yes I do,” Yuhata said softly “We bathed together with Tsumugi...”
“Yes!” Izana seized Yuhata’s words as if they were a lifeline. “And do you remember what it was that was… discussed there?”
Understanding hit Yuhata hard, pieces falling into place rapidly. Izana seemed to feel it, tension bleeding back into their body once more.
“That you were Transitioning.” Izana nodded.
“...and I guess it’s happening again.” Another nod.
“I… I realised it when I was in the bathroom. My underwear doesn’t fit, when it did a week ago.”
Yuhata began to reassemble the pieces in her mind. The broken cup happened (dropped? thrown?) after the discovery. Ill fitting clothes exaggerated the discovery and became the crack that caused the hull breach, so to speak. Cold skin from water evaporation, as they didn’t dry off properly.
“...and you're scared.”
Izana nodded again, but didn’t say anymore.
This didn’t make much sense to Yuhata - Izana hadn’t been scared of their transition last time. Embarrassed yes. Uncomfortable, definitely. But they had never shown any fear about changing. Why now?
Then again, Izana hadn’t told her until the transition was complete. It could have been that they were also frightened last time, and she had been too busy commanding armies to notice.
Yuhata crushed the guilt down into nothing, and then continued.
“Do you know why you’re transitioning? Why now?”
Izana hesitated, before nodding again. “I’m not sure why now, but I think I know why. I think... I think it is because of you Yuhata.”
Yuhata blinked at that, and then blinked again. She opened her mouth and closed it again silently.
“Me?” She said eventually.
Izana nodded “We… change… to better fit with our partner’s… expectations. Or at least I do. It might be different for others but it’s not something I can really help at all.”
Yuhata frowned. “I still don’t understand Izana, what expectations?”
Izana grimaced, and fidgeted with their cup. Yuhata, feeling a slow pooling of dread in her stomach, tried to shift her head to look Izana in the eye. Izana resolutely avoided her gaze.
“Izana, I need you to answer the question. How have I done this to you?”
“Sex!” Izana blurted out. “Sexual preference! I change to meet my partner's sexual preference.”
Yuhata froze, trying to process this new information. Izana, on the other hand, seem to be unable to rein in the words that were now tumbling out of them
“I knew that Tanikaze liked women so I change into a woman! Or at least woman shaped! And I hate it! I can’t stand it! Everything I look in the mirror, o-or look down at my chest, it's all I can do not to start screaming! I’m not supposed to look like this, I’m- I’m not supposed to be like this! I thought that maybe I c-could bear it i-if that meant I got to stay with Tanikaze but he wouldn’t even look at me!”
Yuhata watched as years of buried emotions ripped its way out of Izana’s mouth, struck dumb, and saw furious tears fill their eyes as they continued on.
“And then I-I fell for you and now... and now it’s happening all over again! And I can’t do that again, I won’t do that again! B-but it’s happening anyway! I’m turning into a boy and there is nothing I can do to stop it! And I-I’m sorry Yuhata, b-but I can’t. I love you, I love you so much but I-I just can’t...”
Izana curled in upon themselves, breath coming in great ragged gasps, and tried to wipe away the freshest tears from their face.
“I think I understand now,” Yuhata said into the silence.
Instantly Izana’s whole body went taut, stopping mid-wipe and mid breath. With surprising grace they roze to their feet, and stared fixedly at far wall. Silent tears continued to fall unhindered, and their artificial hand gripped painfully hard onto their softer wrist. When they spoke it was in a hoarse whisper.
“...And?”
Yuhata reached up gently, and eased Izana’s hands apart. They looked so delicate, but they were so strong, and all the more beautiful for it. Taking their organic hand in her own, she slowly coaxed Izana into facing her, and gazed up at them until they eventually dared to glance back down at her.
“...and I think you have gotten a few things wrong about me Izana.” Yuhata said, gently, smiling. “Please sit down?”
Izana stared into her face, eyes flicking back and forth, searching. Eventually they nodded and slowly sat down beside her. Yuhata reached across to take Izana’s other hand in hers, and ran circles over them with her thumbs as she searched for words.
“When I confessed to you, Izana,” Yuhata began, “I didn’t expect anything like a ‘normal’ relationship. Whatever a normal relationship even is.”
She glanced up at Izana, trying to gauge their expression. Confusion filled their dark eyes, and their body language screamed that they were preparing themselves for the worst. But there was a tiny spark of hope, hidden behind the rest.
Yuhata grit her teeth and pulled down her defenses. Then, voice quivering, she spoke.
“When I confessed to you, I knew full well that everyone would view us as two girls together. I didn’t care, couldn’t care, because compared to sharing my life with you what did other people matter? I confessed to you not expecting you to change, nor make our relationship more… conventional looking.”
Yuhata swallowed hard, and took a long shuddering breath. Izana was staring at her, and being seen hurt more than she had expected.
“Izana, I-I was attracted to you long before you transitioned. Be-before you had your prosthetics even. All the way back to the very beginning, when we were school kids competing for the attention of the same obtuse boy.” Yuhata swallowed again and forced herself to continue. “I thought of you as my biggest rival, did you know that? You were kind, and smart, friendly, and beautiful, oh so beautiful i-in a way I couldn’t even describe let alone compete with.”
Izana started and blushed, their eyes wide and turbulent, and Yuhata couldn’t have looked away even if she had wanted to. She watched the blush grow, and that somehow gave her the strength to continue.
“And when I stopped lying to myself, when I sat down and really thought about what I wanted, what chance did poor Tanikaze stand against you? You had already become my definition of perfection.”
Yuhata broke eye contact, but didn’t dare stop speaking. She might not be able to start again if she stopped.
“A-and when you… changed, when you changed it hurt. Not because you were different, you were still kind, and smart, and f-friendly, and breathtaking! Because it was proof, unmistakable proof , that you had p-picked him.”
Yuhata was fighting tears now, and dared not look up at into Izana’s face, but pushed further.
“I don’t care about the form your body takes Izana. I will l-love you regardless, and nothing you do or become will c-change that. But I couldn’t stand it if you forced yourself to become something you hated just b-because you thought it would make me happy.”
Yuhata paused to quickly wipe her tears away before daring to look back up at Izana. Hope and unspilt tears shone back at her, and Yuhata briefly forgot to breathe. She wanted to kiss them, to wipe away every tear, to hold them and never let them go.
But she hadn’t finished yet.
“I-I would rather die than do that to you! W-what matters to me, what I expect ,” she said, spitting out the word out painfully “Is that you to do what makes you happy Izana! What makes you comfortable! What makes you kind, and friendly, and so very, very beautiful. And if that involves me then I thank each and every star there is, a-a-and if it doesn’t . If it doesn’t … I’ll understand.”
Izana’s tears where coming as fiercely as hers where now, but they were smiling through it all and their eyes were shining star-bright, which made all the tears and the all the pain in her chest worth it. Yuhata carefully cupped Izana’s face and tried to wipe away the tears with her thumbs, but her own tears made it an impossible task.
“So… what would make you happy Izana?”
The question opened the floodgates: Izana broke down again and threw themselves bodily at Yuhata. She fell back with a faint “oof” and clutched them tight in her arms.
“I want t-to be me again! B-back t-the way I way I-I was! I-Intersex, like I s-should be!”
Yuhata fought through her own tears, long enough to whisper into their hair, “O-ok. Let’s do t-that.”
--- --- ---
The movie blared on, but no-one was watching it.
Yuhata had fallen asleep on the sofa and now slept gracelessly, tangled in the blankets. Izana watched her, curled up with her under the blankets. Shadows danced across her face, and her chest rose and fell gently. Some of her hair had fallen in front of her face, which added to the aura of peace and fragility she projected.
Izana smiled. The events of earlier that evening still hadn’t managed to sink in, and they were still reeling from all the emotional highs and lows.
The relief they felt was overwhelming, and was the foundation of every other emotion the evening had produced. The weight of their dysphoria and uncertainty had melted away at Yuhata’s words, replaced with the heady notion that they were going back to themselves . To be Intersex again, the idea felt so incredibly freeing it was like they were just going to rise up into the sky.
On top of that was a warm giddy feeling that made them want to kick their feet and flail under the blankets. Yuhata had shared so, so much more than they had ever dreamed, and she had done it solely to support Izana.
Every time they thought back to the “you had already become my definition of perfection” they couldn’t help but squeal and cram their face into the blankets. Who would have thought that their dorky little Captain was a romantic ?
And most unexpectedly of all, Izana felt excited. Excited about their transition, the chance to love mirrors again, the chance of being who they really were again. The future was hopeful, and they were excited about it!
So when their beautiful, loving, charming little captain began to softly snore, Izana snuggled closer and dreamt about the future.