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“Hey, Derek.”
Stiles shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans and stared at the ground, shoulders slumped. The toe of one of his shoes scuffed idly at the grass.
“I waited a full week this time. I didn’t want to. Scott made me promise.” He huffed out a small laugh. “I think his puppy-eye superpower has leveled up again. He’s been getting me to do a lot lately. More than I want. More than I think I can handle most days.”
He tugged his hands free and crouched down, brushing stray leaves from the base of the headstone.
“His son has a date this weekend. Little dude is just like his dad. Found a nice hunter girl that he fell head over claws with, even though he’s only ten. It’s kinda creepy actually. She just moved here. It’s like watching Scott and Allison all over again. Her family wants to train with the Argents. That code of Allison’s, man. It’s been pretty amazing. Things have gotten a lot better. Ever since you-“ he choked off the words. Couldn’t go there. Not yet.
Stiles cleared his throat, blinking away the stinging in his eyes. His fingers dug into the grass and damp soil. He took a deep breath through his nose and slowly exhaled through his mouth.
“Isaac is just about done with his classes. Finally, right? He could have been teaching those monsters a while ago, but you remember how stubborn he can be. He kept saying he was happy working for Deaton, but he just…woke up one day. Said it was time for him to get his teaching license. The accelerated classes have been great for him. It’s a good thing we made him at least get his bachelors. It would have taken him a lot longer if he hadn’t.”
Stiles sat back on his heels, looking up at the grey sky. Ha. How fitting and how cliche.
“Cora and Lydia are good. Their campaign for equal rights for were-creature is really taking off. Their website has reached over one million hits and the senator has agreed to review the legislation they drafted. None…none of it would have been possible without you.” His breath caught again and it took Stiles several minutes to calm himself to the point where he could speak again.
“I’m okay. I made it out of bed this morning, obviously. I even remembered to eat yesterday. I think it was yesterday at least. Scott didn’t even have to drag me out of bed this time. I showered and tided the house and even went to the market.”
He fidgeted uncomfortably and shifted back so he could stretch his legs out in front of him.
“I…I bought a bottle. I know, I know. The pack made me promise I’d stop drinking. It just…I needed it. So I bought a bottle. Gentleman Jack, a boy’s best friend for when your girlfriend dumps you. Or when it’s been two years since your husband was killed.”
Stiles gave up trying to choke back his tears and curled in on himself.
“Derek, you were supposed to be here. You weren’t supposed to leave me. You promised. You swore we’d be together, that I wouldn’t be alone again. Remember? The day Dad died. You gave me your word, Derek.” His voice gave out and Stiles doubled over, his body jerking with each gasp for air.
An hour later, his panic attack had subsided. The cold breeze kicking up helped bring him down the rest of the way. He pulled himself back up to his knees and started tracing over the carved letters of Derek’s name with shaking fingers.
“Derek. Please. It’s been two years. You made me promise to try. I’ve been trying. I’ve dragged myself through every fucking day for two entire years. Without you. I’m tired, Derek. I’m tired of feeling only guilt and anger and pain. I’m tired of having to find reasons to get out of bed. I’m tired of the pity and sympathy. I’m tired of the pack forcing me out of whatever numbness I can burrow into.”
His fingers stilled and he pressed his palm flat over the cold marble.
“I tried. And I’m tired. I know this isn’t what you meant when you told me I had to live. What I’m doing isn’t living. I keep breathing and blood keeps pumping through my heart, but I’m not alive.” A small smile, the first Stiles has managed in two years pulls his lips up. His face feels stiff and unnatural. “I’m done, Derek. I just can’t do this anymore.”
He stands up, brushing his knees off before bending over to place a soft kiss on the headstone.
“I love you. I’ll see you soon.”