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I walk into the apartment and I instantly know something is wrong. I drop my bag of groceries as I enter the living room.
There's Bucky, fingers on his right hand bleeding and broken. The metal arm is messily torn from his shoulder, wires and metal stuck at odd angles. He's sobbing and screaming and trying to tear the rest of the metal arm off.
Panic attack.
I dash forward to kneel before him trying to appear calm. "Bucky. It's me." I say as quietly as I can. His eyes are out of focus but when I say this he blinks.
"S-Steve?" He croaks out, voice hoarse from screaming. I nod as he starts to shake. I glance around and spot his medicine on the counter.
"Bucky, I need you to do something." He's still shaking but he nods just the same. I need to get his medicine.
"Count to ten and breathe in and out. I'll do it with you." He vigorously shakes his head as I slowly stand. "One." I take an audible breathe in. Bucky is just a beat behind with his own shaky breath.
"Two."
I reach the counter and unscrew the lid and take out a pill. By the time we get to ten he's no longer shaking but is still wide eyed. I offer him his pill and water. By the time we reach twenty his eyes slowly come back to reality.
"Steve." He repeats and goes lax under my gaze and starts to cry silently. Knowing he's not trying to hurt me I pull him into my lap. He buries his face in my neck and his long brown hair tickles my chin.
He lets out loud heaving sobs and presses himself as close to me as he can as I rock him slowly and let out crooning sounds.
"Why? Why can't I control myself?" He sob into my shoulder and I feel my heart break. I start to pull away to look him in the face and disagree but he takes this a sign of rejection.
"No STEVE PLEASE! I can control myself, I can!" He grapples me closer and I start to cry along with him. He's flush against me in my lap and won't let go; I won't let him. We sit there for what seems like hours as Bucky babbles promises of "getting better" and "being good" while I reassure him he's already better and is good.
It breaks my heart to see him trying so hard just to keep together. Stroking his back softly he starts to calm down. Soon there's no sound in the room besides soft snuffing from Bucky and calming sounds from me.
"Hey?" I move slightly and Bucky moves his head so he can see my face. "Why don't we eat the chocolate and plums I got and I can get a look at your hand?"
Bucky seems hesitant to leave but nods all the same. He detaches just enough so I can get up. The plums are only a little bruised from where they fell so I just wash them and cut them up. Bucky chews the dark chocolate bar and the plums as I go to the bathroom in search of our first aid kit.
Returning I find Bucky has somehow covered his mouth in chocolate. Laughing, I wipe his face. "You're so cute." I murmur as I open the kit. He blushes and I grab his flesh hand to get a better look at the cuts. They're even worse up close. Blood is over the counter as I bandage his hand and fingers, then move to the metal one. There's only a stump of broken plating and random wiring sticking out. We're going to have to have Tony fix it.
Between electrical tape and cotton bandages I manage to cover it up so it doesn't hurt him.
The part that connects to his arm has colorful bruising so I start to give the seam kisses. Bucky freezes as I go along it. When I feel him freeze I press my whole face to the seam.
"Panic attack?" I whisper into him. He says nothing and that's enough.
He's clean, bandaged, and has some food and medicine in him. I hope he'll be ok, but now I'm here to help him through it.
Leading him to bed I curl up around him and snuggle close. "You know I'll never leave you, right Buck?" I say against his head. He nods shakily before pushing me away. Knowing what he wants I release him and scoot so there's some space between us.
Gazing into his eyes I try to count the many colors swirling in them. "I'm just so scared." He whispers and I nod. Leaning foreword I cover the distance between us and kiss him gently. Pulling away he smiles just slightly, but it's enough for me. We're silent after that-the only sound is our breathing and the thump of our hearts.