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Three months.
Three long, and eventful months since you flew to England and dropped out.
Three months of nagging from Mom.
Three months of silent seething from Dad.
Three months since you decided she comes first.
Three months since you decided she deserves better.
~Lexie!~
Three months since you haven’t had a bed for yourself.
“O’ange!”
Three months since you last tasted an orange.
“Come on, ~baby. Let’s get some~ food ~in you.~”
Three months since you’ve been talking a weird mix of English and Kryptonian.
~Up, Lexie, up!~ Three months since this little girl stole your heart and made it so you can remember what is like to live.
XxXxX
“Really, Alexandra? Shouldn’t you be trying to enter another school?”
You sigh. You’ve been avoiding your parents for three months now and so far you’ve done well. They spend almost the entire day in their lab at the CADMUS, working on alien bioengineering and creating ways in which to protect the world from invasion so they are not really around most of the day. Breakfast it’s the only time of the day you’re forced to interact with them.
You think it’s hypocrite of them, promising Superman to never reveal the kid they took in is an alien, not even to their bosses, but you are so glad Kara is yours that you simply don’t question it. If there’s something you know about your parents it’s that they love Clark and they’d do anything he asks them to.
Including taking care of the girl that was supposed to be his charge.
“I’m on it,” you inform her as you peel another orange. Kara’s currently in the living room watching Sesame Street, your attempt for her to not only learn English but also to start learning her numbers and colours. “I’ve sent application letters all over, don’t worry.”
The lie taste bitter in your mouth, but you know you have to say something, anything, so your Mom stops bothering you.
“I don’t understand. You were attending Oxford… why would you quit?”
Your Dad’s statement is the same every time he sees you. He’s not happy and you know if he’d be another kind of mind you’d be bruised all over right now. Alas, his means of punishment are harsh words and disappointed glares.
“I decided medicine wasn’t my path,” you lie yet again, as you’ve been doing for weeks. It’s not like you can tell them you love medicine and that you’re planning on picking up med school as soon as Kara can be by herself. That you’re also planning on specializing in alien biology it’s something they don’t need to be aware of.
That’s another thing you know: how your parents don’t want you to follow their footsteps.
Which you consider it’s stupid because your whole life has been dedicated to be like them. To study like them, to be a genius like them.
“And physics is your new dream?” he asks sceptically.
You shrug. “I want to try it out.”
Your Dad finishes his coffee and places the mug in the sink before leaving the room. He heads towards the living room and changes the channel on the TV to a documentary of some sort, making Kara whine around her thumb.
You clench your teeth when he continues his way out the house, not bothering to say goodbye to your baby sister and unconcerned he’s leaving a teary-eyed infant behind.
~Kara,~ you call to her, drawing attention to the oranges you’ve peeled. ~Come eat.~ You order her gently.
The tiny girl climbs down the sofa and toddles to you, a smile on her face. You scoop her up into the counter, steadying her with a hand to her back as she starts eating her oranges.
Your Mom looks at her and frowns. “She shouldn’t be sucking her thumb,” she states before turning to you. “And you should be speaking to her in English. She needs to learn the language.”
“Yes, Mom,” you tell her easily. “I’ll work on that.”
Because you won’t, you think bitterly.
“Isn’t Dad waiting for you?” you ask her, knowing they always carpool to work.
Your Mom shakes her head. “No. I’m working from home today.” She looks down at the girl who is making a mess with the juicy fruit. “Please, try to be quiet.”
You nod. “Yes, Mom.”
XxXxX
You’ve read many books in the last few months and you are aware that thumb sucking it’s not as bad as many say. However, you aren’t sure how you fell about your baby sister potentially bringing bacteria in her mouth when you don’t know if she shares Kal’s immune system or if she is just as weak as a normal baby. According to the records in her pod, she’s turning three in roughly seven months and she’s been vaccinated – against what, you don’t know, but she’s immune to something – and she’s also, oh the joy… teething.
Your first assessment was a little off, the girl hasn’t grown all her teeth and she enjoys chewing on her thumb and another assortment of objects she’s found around the house.
Like the leg of the stuffed dog you’ve bought her in her first week, part of your parent’s rock’s collection, the edge of some of your thinner books and, much to your mortification, the forks she’s somehow acquired from the dishwasher on more than one occasion now.
But, it’s your duty as her caregiver and only sister, as well as a partially trained pre-med student, to see to her needs in the ways that you can.
So, when you find out that today’s the day that her gums are making her the fuzzier and your Mom is home, you decide its time to head out for some supplies.
You strap your sister to her car seat, much to the girl’s annoyance. ~I know, baby. You hate the car seat. I know. But we’re going for~ ice-cream. Don’t you want ice-cream?”
Kara quiets instantly, looking up to you and mumbling around her thumb, “I-creem?”
“Yes, baby. Ice-cream.”
You learned early on that a good tub of ice cream not only soothes the girl’s gums… it also makes her extremely happy, especially the chocolate ones.
Arriving at the mall is easy in the middle of a working day, and people know you. They know the little Danvers genius and they don’t bat an eye to you after people started gossiping that, now that you’ve left the nest, your parents have adopted a little one. Kara’s tragic story had made it around town more than once and you’re just glad people have stopped going to you and cooing over the precious baby, making her all anxious and sad.
For Kara is a precious, all rosy and big eyes, baby.
She’s not that fuzzy, but she’s quite energetic and you’re so thankful to God that she seems to lack most of Kal’s powers… she can float and she is strong, but even her bite is no more dangerous than any other baby. She is also loud and she likes to laugh and giggle over the tiniest thing, the reason why you know she needed a distraction before your Mom got angry at both of you.
“So, what’s going to be, baby?” you ask the girl that’s resigned on your hip. “Triple Chocolate, Cookie Dough or Vanilla?”
Kara points to the strawberry one with her free hand and you shake your head. “No, Kara. You’re allergic to strawberries, baby. Stick to chocolate.”
Kara looks at you, not understanding most of what you’ve said and pointing again to the strawberry one. That’s the one you always ask for and you wonder if that’s why she’s asking for it too.
You shake your head again. “No, Kara. Chocolate, Cookie Dough or Vanilla” you say, pointing to the ones you’re willing to buy her.
Your sister’s eyes start to water, pointing to the strawberry one again and you sigh. Kara’s restless today and you wonder exactly how bad her gums feel. “Okay, okay,” you tell her. “We’ll go buy you some medicine for your gums and then we’ll be back when you’re ready to choose.” You turn to the teen that’s been feeding you ice-cream for months now – a year older than you, how weird that feels? – and say to him with a smile, “we’ll be back in a bit, Jonas.”
Jonas nods. “See ya around, Alex.”
“Mama, no!” Kara starts crying as soon as you turn your back to the boy, making you pause in panic.
She called you Mama.
“Kara, no,” you snap at her, not knowing what to do, just making things worse.
Kara starts wailing and you feel like the worst asshole in the world. “Shhh, baby, shhh, I didn’t mean it, love, I didn’t mean it,” you tell her as you start rocking her. “Shit, Kara, I didn’t mean it.”
Your sister’s cries only get louder and you curse that suddenly the mall feels crowded. People are staring at you and you can see how they mutter under their breaths, among themselves. You feel how they are judging you and you feel the shame bubbling in your chest as you walk quickly to the parking lot, to the safety of your parents’ minivan.
You sit in the back, where there’s plenty of space, rocking Kara in your lap. ~God, Kara, I’m so sorry, please, baby, please, forgive me. Please,~ you beg her and you can feel your own tears trying to escape.
Kara’s cries don’t subside and you feel like a failure. Dammit, why are you such a bad sister? Why did you snap at her? Why didn’t you think?!
The tears start rolling down your cheeks as you keep rocking her. You hide your face in her hair and start sobbing with her. ~I’m sorry, I-I’m sorry, I’m s-sorry,~ you chant. ~I’m so, s-so, so, sorry.~ You can feel the tears dripping onto your sister.
You’re such a failure.
~I love y-you, Kara. I’m s-sorry.~
Kara startles at that, pausing her crying, but still sniffling and looks up at you. You look back down, but the intensity in her eyes is too grand. You avoid her gaze, knowing you’ve fucked it up.
Kara searches your gaze, and you feel the shame start to grow. “Lexie no cry,” she tells you. “Lexie no cry.”
You chuckle. Of course, she’d be asking you not to cry. You can’t even do that right. If there anything your parents hate is crying. Of course, you’d fail that too. You sniffle, trying to rein in your emotions. Your shame. “Yes. No cry.” You take a deep breath. “No cry.”
Kara nods as her tiny arms go around your neck. “Love you,” she sniffles. “Kara loves you... Kara sorry.”
You feel your heart break. This little bubble of joy it’s the first to ever apologize to you. She’s the first to hug you just because. She’s the first to be mad at you one second and comforting you the other. She’s the first one to make you believe there’s something more than studying. Something more than just living.
“No, baby, no. I’m the one who’s sorry. I shouldn’t yell. You did nothing wrong.” You kiss her forehead. “I love you. I love you.”
You don’t know what you’re doing. You have no idea what’s going to happen with your life... you don’t have any idea when you’re going back to school. You don’t know if you’re even going to continue your studies.
Right now, the only thing that matters is the little girl on your lap.
The only thing that matters is making sure Kara is alright.
That Kara is safe.
That Kara is loved.
Nothing else matters.
XxXxX
“Alexandra,” your mother yells at you, making you jump.
Kara looks up from the mud cake you two are making, startled as you rise to meet your mother.
“Yes?” you ask her with an eyebrow raised. You know better than to acknowledge she scared you. You need to be collected all the time. You need to pretend nothing gets to you.
“Amelia called. She said you made a scene at the mall?”
Your hand curls into a fist behind your back, where only Kara can see it. “It got out of control… but it was nothing I couldn’t handle. Don’t worry about it.”
Your mom seizes you up, letting her eyes fall on your hunched shoulders. “Stand straight, Alexandra.” You do as you are told, correcting your posture and letting your hands drop to your sides. “You need to be more careful,” she scolds you. “You can’t draw attention to Kara. You need to make sure she’s hidden all the time!”
“Yes, Mom,” you say as you nod. “I know, Mom.”
“See that she doesn’t cry at the mall again, Alexandra.”
You can feel Kara pressing against your legs, her tiny, muddy hands going around your calf and hugging your jeans. “She’s a baby, mom,” you tell her. “She cries, that’s natural. She’s two.”
Your mom looks down to the girl hiding behind you and she shakes her head. “I don’t have the time for this,” she says, exasperated, running a hand through her hair. “Make sure that doesn’t happen again,” she demands again.
“Yes, mom.”
She turns and leaves you two there, in the backyard of your house.
“E’iza ‘ad,” Kara says and you look down to see her sucking her dirty thumb.
~No, no, no, no,~ you say as you kneel and take her hand into yours. You see the panic in her eyes and for some reason, you take her palm and kiss it lightly. ~No sucking right now,~ you tell her gently. “No sucking.”
Kara nods as her arms go around your neck. “Otay.”
You smile against her hair. “I love you, baby.”
“’ove you to.”
You sigh, suddenly too tired. “Hey, baby. ~Want to go lie down with me?~ I’m tired.”
Kara’s nap time it’s quickly approaching, anyway, so it’s no surprise when the girl nods and lets you carry her inside.
A short nap for you to doesn’t sound that bad.
After a day like this, you deserve a lie-down.
XxXxX
It’s been six months now and there’s something that you now know to be true:
Being with Kara is always an adventure.
Be it to her never-ending love of mud cakes to her inability to stay still for longer than ten minutes, Kara is always amusing you and making you run after her one way or another.
It doesn’t help that the baby is incredibly intelligent and that her strength is almost that of a grown man. Keeping her contained and entertained is sometimes hard and sometimes easy. Loud noises, for example, makes Kara nervous and that reflects on her behaviour, she becomes fussy, irritable and also more stubborn than usual.
People touching her, people other than you, freaks her out and sudden movements, even when she herself can become a blur with her speed, startle her enough for her to cry for hours.
She may be a baby, but you have noticed that she has several quirks that somehow you doubt a baby her age should have.
Like playing non-stop with the gemstone that hangs from her neck. You once tried to take it off at bath time, but the crying that followed made you aware of how smart that choice was. She fidgets with it all the times you’ve noticed her getting a tiny bit anxious.
Or, gnawing at the hem of her shirts when people are around to the point that several shirts have grown holes in them. You’ve come to dress her in dresses and overalls when going out and give her some teething rings, sturdy enough that they last her a couple of outings, but still soft enough that she has to have new ones every week or so.
Or never allowing her stuffed dog to touch the ground. The first time you accidentally dropped the toy on the parking lot trying to juggle bags, stroller, and kid, Kara was so upset that she didn’t even cry, she simply shut down and was unresponsive for the rest of the day. It took you hours, and a great deal of luck, to understand what had happened and the next time the doggy met the ground you washed him immediately, bringing your baby to life again.
Or not really meeting anybody’s eyes other than yours. She looks everywhere when people talk to her, especially your mom and dad, but you know she’s listening, even when she’s still learning the language.
You don’t know if that’s her Kryptonian showing, or that’s something simply Kara, but the thing that intrigues you the most is Kara’s most recent reaction to mirrors.
~Kori!~ Kara yells to the mirror, just like every time she sees herself.
You sit by her this time, watching the girl watching herself in your full-length mirror, as she does at least once a day. You know the word for ‘mirror’ in Kryptonian and it’s not ‘Kori’… also, the way she says it, you’re mostly certain that she’s naming herself as such.
~Kara,~ you call to her. The girl doesn’t look away from her own eyes, but you know she’s listening. ~That’s a mirror,~ you point out. “Say it with me, baby. Mi-rror. Mirror.”
Kara’s little brows crinkle, another of the things you’ve seen her doing often. “Mi-Mi’lo,” she says slowly, triumphantly. “Mi’lo!”
You smile. “That’s right, baby. Mirror.”
“Mi’lo!” she repeats before she points to her reflection. “’ori!”
“No, Kara. Mirror.”
The girl shakes her head. ~No! Kori!~
You frown slightly. ~Kara,~ you call to her again. This time the girl look at you a slight pout in her lips. ~What’s your name, baby?~
~Kara.~ Her tone is sullen and you know she’s getting moody.
You point at the mirror again, at her reflection. ~That’s you, baby. Kara.~
~No!~ she’s shy of yelling. ~Kori!~
~Kara… Kara…~ you say as gently as you can. ~It’s you, baby. It’s you in the mirror. It’s just the beautiful you. Not Kori. Kara~
You know you’ve said the wrong thing when baby blue eyes start watering. ~Kori! Kori! Kori!~ she chants as she points to the mirror. ~Kori! Kori! Kori!~
~Oh, baby.~ You don’t get why she’s so upset or why she insists on calling herself Kori when she’s well-aware of her own name. ~Come here, sweetheart. Come,~ you open your arms and aren’t surprised when you find them suddenly full of baby Kryptonian.
~Kori?~
~No, baby. Kara.~
Kara’s sniffs as she lets her tears fall, cuddling into you and starts playing with her gemstone. Your heart breaks at the pain you could see in them before she hides her face in your chest.
~ Mo’the’? Fathe’?~
The change of topic floors you a little. Kara has asked for her parents before and often. The only thing you can do is tell her the truth and hope that she one day grows to understand what you’re actually telling her.
~I’m sorry, love. They’re gone. They’re in Rao’s light now… they love you so much, baby. Just as I do.~
~’ao lite?~
~That’s right, baby. Rao’s light. They are with him now, and they will wait for you, one day far from now. Do you understand that baby?~
Kara nods as she borrows closer to you. “Lexie no go?”
“No, baby. Lexie no go.”