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It all started as a game, something that Dazai played when he was too bored for anything else.
He saw you, walking down the same street every day, running your boring but stressful student life. You wouldn't be someone that he would've picked out among all the others, no, but in his game's rules you would be an interesting piece to play. And oh, how he was craving for a new piece in his game.
He enjoyed every moment he spent watching you, and then he skipped to the next part of the game.
You were just as shy and closed into yourself as he thought you would be, maybe even more than he had predicted. It was hard to crack your shell, too hard for his liking and it made the second part of the game last longer than he intended.
Why were you so tough? So hard to crack? If it were up to him, he would’ve had you kneeling in one of the dungeon’s rooms; have you spilling every one of your deepest, darkest secrets just as he wished. But he wasn’t playing that kind of game, not with you.
It was annoying, but added to the excitement of the game.
He would never admit it to you or anyone else, but he was excited. Especially after one day, when he was about to so courteously compliment you. He stopped himself before he approached you, though. You were talking about something with your classmate, and the girl's reply drew from you a reaction that he hadn't seen before, when you so zealously hid inside your shell.
He could see your usual shy smile, but in your eyes he saw something else. A darkness that got his heart beating faster got him craving to have you wrapped around his finger.
That would come in time, of course. Dazai never started a game he couldn’t win, and the victory would come with the sweet addition of your own darkness, so he approached you, and went on with his usual antics.
The day you cracked open a bit was interesting.
He approached you, just as always, with a courteous compliment that you never believed or some kind of joke. But then instead of playing around him, you outright told him off.
He wouldn’t lie, the reaction made him angry, but he pulled away and went on his merry way. Left you alone as you wished. Didn’t mean he would shrug that off, no, what kind of player would he be if he didn’t know his pieces?
You weren’t willing to open up, so he went to other sources. Discovered that something had happened to one of your friends, a hit-and-run that had gone bad. The criminal hadn’t been caught yet and the victim’s family was craving for justice, and so were you.
He could have gotten the criminal chained and under his mercy in no time, but instead he chose the long way. You weren’t the kind of person that would be after a petty vengeance.
Or were you?
He eventually got an old partner of the criminal to open up. Under torture, of course. The man told him everything he needed to know, and then an anonymous good person sent that to the police.
Job done, he could finally see you again, and hell, he wasn’t going to lie. You were radiant.
The game had become a part of his routine, more than he would want to admit. He enjoyed teasing you but also just chatting with you.
Ah, and when he finally managed to get your first kiss. You were so flustered! It reminded him how it was beautiful that you could be the perfect mix of dark and light.
When did the game end for him? Was it when he became too used to it?
He can’t remember. He kept telling himself it was all a game, so when it wasn’t a game anymore, when all he wanted on dark cold nights was to hold you, he couldn’t stop telling himself that it was all a game.
He wanted to hold you so much, even though he never wanted anything in his life that much before. How weird.
Instead of saying anything of the like, even to himself, he kept playing with you. Seeing how much he could rile you up, but at the same time, how much you could put his heart at peace.
He asked himself how long he would keep it up once. This game was the longest he had ever played. Never before he had kept someone around for so long.
It kinda threw him off-balance. At nights, he would ask himself if this was what he wanted, if being with you was what he wanted. You were clearly not an idiot, and you could see a bit through his facade, but not enough. Did you ever notice he was mafia?
If you did, you never showed any sign. But who was he to tell? You could keep up a good game yourself when you were up to it. That was what made everything even more exciting for him.
Even when it was not a game anymore.
Dazai would sigh to himself, push those thoughts from his mind and just keep doing whatever he was doing. Oh well.
Sometimes he would be stargazing, and would be thinking about your lips, how he wanted to kiss them. How he wanted to draw from them the most beautiful yet dark sounds.
He would sigh to himself, and maybe that was what made Ango, Odasaku and Chuuya notice something was off.
Chuuya never asked him though, just gently told him to stop daydreaming.
Ango was playing his own game, Dazai could tell that. He wasn’t going to interfere with anyone else’s game.
Now, Odasaku… It was hard not to give it away for him, when he never asked for anything.
Odasaku was his confidant in the game, and maybe he could see something when Dazai spoke about you, but he just kept to himself, hummed, and gave Dazai a meaningful look.
Maybe Odasaku would’ve been able to tell Dazai how much of the game had already ended for him, but he didn’t. He preferred to keep quiet since he didn’t want to overstep Dazai’s boundaries.
Would it be better if he had said anything? Who knows.
Dazai was too busy daydreaming about you and trying not to overstep your boundaries at the same time.
Oh, but when he actually managed to have you in his arms, when he managed to get you into his bed. He never thought he could’ve been so sweet to someone he wanted to see in the most nasty ways. It was… a strange change of scenery for him.
Strange sides of him that he never saw before, and that almost made up for all the emptiness inside, but never quite reached that stage.
He was angry with himself, oh-so-angry. But he was mostly angry at you. And how dare you turn the tables on him and actually make him want to keep playing the game that wasn’t a game anymore?
He kept it all in, of course, like the master of the game that he was. Hiding it under sweet smiles and stolen kisses that made you so flustered and cute. Always hiding it in so you couldn’t see the other side of him. The one that would make you scared and maybe a little curious.
Dazai had seen you scared once, and no more. You had called him to walk you from college to home one day. You normally didn’t ask him for that, but that day, your voice seemed a bit off on the phone.
When he arrived there, he could see why. There was a strange man roaming around one of the exits.
The man didn’t do anything to the both of you when Dazai picked you up and walked you out, no. He just stared at you when you walked away.
The problem was that Dazai could see ill-intent from miles. He knew what to search for, since he shared a particular darkness with criminals. The man had been gutted and thrown into a random alley of the city in less than an hour.
And so, his little game dragged on, not quite being a game anymore, but too dangerous to be finished. You were too entangled into his life and he was too entranced to even think about leaving you.
Fate had other plans, however.
Fate wanted Ango to be missing, wanted Odasaku to go after him, and wanted for both Dazai and Odasaku to realize that Ango had been a traitor.
Fate wanted Odasaku to get caught in something too big for him.
But it wasn’t fate that made Dazai lower his guard, when his only friend in his entire life needed him the most. No, no.
What made Dazai lower his guard, when he needed it up the most, was you.
There was no reason to lie to himself anymore. He was so caught up in his game that he couldn’t entirely focus on what mattered.
It was clear to him that he took the game too far when he let you too into his life, too into his skin.
It was all a mistake.
It was clear that you weren’t what mattered to him.
All his feelings raged inside him in a dangerous storm that threatened to be unleashed on you. He was so angry with himself and you that… that he could kill you.
But then, Odasaku said his last words, and he was back to being empty. The storm came and went, and so did he.
He was gone for a good two weeks, but he never stopped watching you. He could see you looking out of the window of your small apartment, could see your eyes searching for him on the streets sometimes.
It was all useless for you. Dazai wouldn’t be seen if he didn’t want to be seen. The problem was that it hurt him to see you that desolated, when he didn’t appear right when the second week ended.
It hurt him not to be with you, and he didn’t want that pain. You didn’t matter. You were just the piece in a game that he took too far and that sidetracked him.
He wouldn’t make the same mistake twice.
So when the 15th day came, he finally appeared to you. At night, of course. It was easier to catch you alone at that time, and he didn’t want anyone prying on an intimate moment of that kind.
Your first reaction to seeing him at the exit of your college was of happiness. Your eyes shone so adorably that he almost—almost—thought about taking a step back and reconsider what he was about to do.
He didn’t, of course, and when he approached you, you went back to that first state. You hid inside your shell once again, just like he thought you would.
“It’s been so long, my dear. Did you miss me?” he asked in a sing-song voice that was suspicious to you.
You bit your lip, clearly conflicted on what to do, but still willing to ask, “Where were you, Dazai? You disappeared without any warning—”
“Ah, but that’s a funny and long story, my dear! And I’m afraid we don’t have that much time now. It’s sooooo late.”
You crossed your arms and frowned at him. There was something strange in Dazai’s antics today. It was clear that something was wrong and you could pick it up from the little he let out.
“Will you tell me what happened, then?”
“Ah, but you’re so straightforward today, darling—”
“Please?” you cut him out sharply, hating yourself for that small crack in your own voice and for his serious expression after hearing it.
It all lasted one second though, and he was back to his lazy smile.
“I’ve been taking some time for myself, thinking about my future and everything, and I came to a conclusion, darling. You’re not part of it.”
The words stabbed sharply into your chest. You told yourself that it could be a joke, but there was something else in Dazai’s eyes that told you it was not.
“Since the start, I was never planning to keep you. You were nothing more than a game to me, something that I enjoyed playing. But now it’s become too boring for me, darling, so this is my farewell.”
His words… Why was he saying those things now? You were aware that his intentions could be nothing more than that, but still… At some point, you could see something in his eyes. Something that made you trust him enough to let him in your life. Where was that something now?
You searched into the brown eyes you knew and appreciated so much, but couldn’t see anything like what you’ve seen before. Even his lazy smile was foreign to you.
You never thought words spoken in less than a minute could hurt you so much, not after what happened to your friend. This hurt almost equally, but in a different way. It was hard to stop the burning feeling that rose through your chest and caught in your throat, hard to make your eyes stop burning and to stop the tears from coming out.
You did a good job holding it in, and Dazai was proud of that, but the game was over, and he needed to make it clear.
So he smiled even more openly. The muscles in his face pulling but his eyes remaining cold, just like the empty feeling in his chest.
“I never loved you, my dear. It was fun to use you, though. Don’t worry about hating me; we will never see each other again.”
It was the truth, Dazai tried to convince himself of that when he turned his back on you and walked away.
And even if it wasn’t the truth, for the good of you two, it would be.