Chapter Text
This is it. All dignity and self-pride strewn haphazardly behind him, Justin thinks this is the only place he can go. He can’t will himself to care that he’s leaving his mother behind, can’t understand why she didn’t do anything, say anything. His hand comes up to his neck, gently skimming his fingers along the muscle there, where he’s sure discoloration will blossom soon enough. He can’t go back now, not again, can’t let that punk degrade him, tell him things he’s already insecure of.
Justin’s brows knit together as he steps forward, pressing the doorbell. It’s a long shot, but it won’t hurt to try.
Alex’s usual sullen expression shifts to confusion as he stares at Justin standing on his doorstep.
“Justin?” Alex’s voice is soft, his head tilting just slightly to one side. He crosses his arms tight over his chest and rubs at his biceps as a breeze rustles the leaves around them. “What are you doing here?” His eyes flicker up and down Justin’s body, fixating a little longer at the bag slung across his shoulder that sits at his hip.
“Hey Standall. Think I could crash here tonight? Zach and Jessica won’t answer my calls or texts.” He flashes a desperate smile and continues, “So uh can I,” he clears his throat nervously, “stay?” The words ‘I’ve got nowhere else to go’ are heavy on his tongue and he can’t bring himself to say it.
Alex blinks slowly, his expression softening. “Yeah. Of course. Come in, it’s cold outside.” He takes a step back inside and turns to the side to let Justin in.
Justin nods in thanks and hesitantly steps into the house.
Alex leads them through the entranceway to the dining room, where his father and brother are sat at the table.
“Dad, this is Justin. He and I are working on a school project together. Is it alright if he stays the night so we can work on it?”
“Sure son. Don’t stay up too late.”
“Thank you for letting me stay sir.” Justin steps towards Alex’s father and extends a hand out to exchange greetings. Alex’s dad has a strong grip when he takes his hand, a friendly smile plastered on his face.
“Anytime, kid. Just holler if you need anything.”
~~~
They work on some homework for a while in Alex’s room until it gets late.
“Um so I’ve got a blowup mattress in the closet. Will that be alright?” Alex asks as he messes with his guitar.
“If it’s too much trouble to set up, I can just take the floor.”
“Not at all dude, I’ll go get it. Seriously, it’s no problem.” Alex looks sympathetic, eyes lingering on Justin’s for a moment before he places his guitar back on the stand and quietly strides to the closet. Justin follows the movement, fiddling with his pencil.
Neither of them talk as Alex fills the air mattress and tosses a few pillows and blankets onto it.
He gestures to it with a simple movement of his arm and then flops onto his own bed.
“It’s getting kinda late. Think I’m gonna turn in soon. The bathroom’s down the hall to the left. If you need anything else don’t hesitate to ask, ok?” Alex talks to the ceiling, his arms folded behind his head.
“Thanks.”
They both prepare for bed in a comfortable silence, laying in their respective beds.
~~~
It’s maybe a few hours later as Justin lay staring at the ceiling when he hears Alex stir. He looks over and sees Alex sitting by the window, staring outside. He sits up slowly, watching as Alex’s chest rises and falls with long, even breaths. After a minute, he breaks the silence.
“Can’t sleep either?” He asks as he gets up and takes a seat on the ledge across from Alex.
Alex hardly acknowledges his presence by the window, shaking his head minutely in response, but doesn’t take his eyes off whatever he’s looking at outside.
“Because of Hannah?” At this, Alex turns to look at Justin, his previously solemn features change to slight anger, but Justin isn’t threatened.
“We don’t deserve to sleep.” Is all he says, bringing his knee up to his chest and leaning his chin on it, peering back out the window.
“Alex…” Justin doesn’t know what to say. He thinks about it all day and night, unable to get over it. He knows it’s no use feeling guilty forever, but he can’t forgive himself. Not yet.
“How can you live with yourself? With what you’ve done?” Alex sighs, his eyes drooping with tire.
“You think I’m moving on? That I don’t care anymore? I do Alex. I feel it every day. I hate myself for it, but what can we do about it now?” Alex gazes back at him, and for a long minute, they hold intense eye contact.
All of a sudden, it’s like all their walls have collapsed, and they can see right into each other’s souls. Justin’s not sure how it started, but next thing he knew, they were holding onto each other for dear life, tears streaming freely, dreadful sobs escaping their lips. The sat tied together in a tangle of pale limbs and damp shirts for what felt like an eternity, both too afraid to let go.
When their breathing begins to return to normal, Justin loosens his grip on Alex’s shirt and rubs his back gently, running his fingers along the knobs of his spine. They slowly lean away from each other, bloodshot eyes connecting once again. Justin doesn’t know what to feel, what to think. This is the barest anyone has seen him, all his locks and wooden boards broken away. Staring into the blue of Alex’s eyes, he realizes it’s probably the same for him.
Alex is the first to break their eye contact, glancing down to Justin’s neck. He reaches up, fingertips grazing the skin just below his ear. His brows furrow and he looks back into Justin’s eyes. Alex’s eyes plead for the truth.
“Justin.” Justin’s breath hitches at the sound of Alex’s raspy voice, raw from crying. The sympathy in Alex’s glistening eyes makes his heart clench and his willpower dissolves.
“My mom’s boyfriend.” It’s all he needs to say before Alex has got more tears slipping down his pallid cheeks. Justin never realized how much of himself Alex gives to others, never knew someone could feel so much of another’s pain.
Alex runs his fingers tenderly through Justin’s hair, gripping just barely at the nape of his neck. He leans in to Justin and leaves a long kiss on his neck, right below his jaw.
Justin’s eyelids flutter and he tilts his head ever so slightly back. “Alex…”
Alex pulls away to reconnect their eyes. “Kisses make everything better.” He whispers it in a way that makes Justin believe he’s trying so hard to convince himself it’s true. Maybe it could be their saving grace. Justin searches Alex’s face, eyes remaining fixed on the scar along the bridge of his nose, the yellowing bruise around his left eye, the red of his split lip, his lips.
Justin rests a hand on Alex’s jaw, thumb rubbing the cut on his lower lip. “Do they still hurt?” He whispers, eyes still zoned in on Alex’s mouth.
“Not a lot,” Alex’s lips brush Justin’s thumb when he speaks.
His gaze flits up to Alex’s pale eyes as he says, “Can I…?”
Alex brings a hand up to Justin’s, holding it against his face. He nods with a tiny smile.
And so, Justin leans forward into Alex’s personal space and just barely parts his lips, attaching them to Alex’s softly as his eyes slip shut. It’s just a simple press of lips, but suddenly it’s everything Justin has ever wanted. He lingers for a moment before he breaks the chaste kiss with a quiet wet noise. Justin sighs shakily, their parted lips still grazing one another’s.
Alex’s fingers find their way between Justin’s, squeezing a little. He turns his head a tiny bit, leaning into Justin’s hand. Justin can feel Alex’s lips curve into a smile against his, can’t help the smile that graces his in return.
The hand in Justin’s hair draws him in and when their mouths reconnect, stars collide and lightning strikes and fires ignite. Their mouths mold together delicately, moving slowly like they’ve got all the time in the universe. Alex kisses like snow falls on a cold winter day, gracefully and patiently. He kisses like he’s surrendering, giving all of himself to Justin and more.
Justin can’t hear anything but the pounding of his heart in his ears and the soft breaths escaping between their lips. Right now, his whole world consists of just him and Alex, and the way their mouths dance together gingerly.
Alex tastes like tears and mint toothpaste and somehow, it’s perfect. He feels like soft blankets and warm hugs, like home.
For a minute, Justin can’t remember why they were miserable, teary-eyed teenage boys, can only revel in the way Alex’s lips feel on his. He hopes he remembers what he feels in this moment forever. Their lips caress one another, feather-light and passionate. It’s the kind of kiss that inspires trees to grow and flowers to bloom, breathing life into the world.
They don’t take it any further, no desire to rush anything. When they separate with a wet smack, Justin presses a little, final peck to Alex’s lips.
Justin settles his forehead against Alex’s, bumping their noses gently together. “You should rest. A tired body takes longer to heal.”
In response, Alex nudges Justin’s nose with his, then he pulls back and stands up. Justin follows suit, making his way back to the air mattress when Alex catches his wrist.
“Stay with me.” Justin turns to Alex, sees his eyes scream ‘I don’t want to be alone,’ so he climbs in behind Alex. He finds Alex’s hand, resting his on top. It’s a small gesture, but he can tell the contact means the world.
They lay like that for a while, both on their backs, respecting personal space but maintaining a connection. When Justin hears Alex’s breathing soften and steady, he carefully rolls onto his side to watch the sleeping boy.
He feels something strange in his chest, a little in awe as his eyes roam Alex’s face. The gold of Alex’s septum ring glows similarly to the halo of white hair atop his head in the moonlight. Justin thinks he’s never seen anyone truly this beautiful. His heart is constricting in ways he’s never felt before and ordinarily it would scare him to feel this way but things are different now. Tonight, he and Alex made a bond unlike any other he’s ever had, and to think they were mere acquaintances only hours before. He hovers over him as gently as he can manage and presses his lips to the bruises and cuts on his face, lingering on his eyelids.
Alex shifts in his sleep, rolls onto his stomach and breathes in shakily. His forehead wrinkles with worry, something disturbing his dreaming. Justin runs his thumb along Alex’s brow, trying to relax his features. Alex exhales softly as if Justin’s touch subconsciously soothes him.
Justin lightly trails his fingertips along Alex’s back, making circles over his shoulder blades and tracing his way up and down his spine. He hopes it comforts Alex the same way it used to when his mother did it to him if he was upset or trying to sleep.
Justin yawns, his eyelids drooping. He falls asleep quickly with his hand on the small of Alex’s back.
~~~
When Justin wakes up, he’s all tangled up in the sheets and Alex’s legs, his body mostly on top of the blonde’s, and his head resting above his heart. He briefly wonders how in the world they ended up in this position, but all thought leaves his brain as he focuses on the steady beating of Alex’s heart below his ear. It’s a comforting sound; they’re both still alive, still fighting every day.
Justin lifts his head slowly, gazing at Alex’s peaceful face. He thinks he must have been staring zoned out for a while because soon enough, Alex’s muscles tense and relax as he wakes, and he blinks slowly, glancing back at Justin.
“Hi,” Alex whispers, the faintest hint of a smile on his face.
“Morning Standall.” Justin grins.
“How did we--?”
“No idea.”
Alex hums, reaching up and petting at Justin’s hair. “You’ve got major bedhead, dude.”
“And you’ve got major morning breath, dork.” Justin sticks out his tongue at him, but regrets his teasing immediately as Alex shoves his face back with his palm until he rolls onto his back. Alex’s eyes positively sparkle as he swings a leg over Justin’s hips and braces his hands on either side of Justin’s face.
“Shut up asshole, everyone has morning breath when they wake up.” Alex sits on Justin’s stomach, making a breath of air whoosh out of him.
“Alright fair. You got me. Now could you kindly get off me? You’re squashing my intestines.” Justin pokes lightly at Alex’s sides in an effort to give him discomfort, but it appears unsuccessful as Alex doesn’t budge.
“Yeah? How’s it feel? Maybe now you’ll think twice about falling asleep on top of me.”
“Hey, I didn’t make the conscious decision to do that, I just woke up like that.”
“Excuses.” Alex tsks and rolls his eyes. “Anyway,” he sits up on his knees to relieve Justin and climbs off the bed, “what do you want for breakfast?”
“What?” Justin says obtusely as he gets up and rubs at his eyes. It’s a Tuesday morning, they’re both already two hours late for school, and here Alex is offering food instead of rushing out the door to catch third period. “Shouldn’t we be getting to school?”
“Well for the first time in forever, I’ve managed to sleep in thanks to you. I don’t plan on going to school if you don’t.”
“It’s not my fault you didn’t have any alarms set or anything!” Justin scoffs at the accusation.
Alex walks back to the bed where Justin is sitting with his legs hanging off the side. “I didn’t mean it accusingly Justin. You helped me actually sleep for the first time in weeks.” He crouches down to be at Justin’s eye level and smiles kindly. “Thank you. For staying with me.”
“Thanks for letting me.”
“So, are pancakes too complicated for two teenage boys or do you think we could figure it out?”
“Let’s do it.”
~~~