Archive of Our Own

They had been investigating a Galra base on what appeared to be a deserted planet. They had been hoping that even a deserted base might provide some useful information on the Galra. So they had flown down in the Lions to do a little looking around. Everyone had been pretty relaxed; the base looked as though it had been abandoned years ago. Then they had met the security system… which consisted of giant metallic lobster robot things... that shot lasers from their eyes. There were quite a few of them and, while they weren't difficult to dispatch, unlike the robeasts they had encountered so far, the sheer number was a bit overwhelming.

The fight had been going well, they had been winning. Then one of the metal lobsters had sprung up from the group, soared through the air and landed on the Blue Lion's face. Lance actually let out a high pitched scream that would have been funny if not for what happened immediately after. It turned out that “lobster” was an inaccurate description. Scorpion would have suited the atrocities better. Blue took a hit in the neck with the end of a sharp tail and then there was a flash of light as Blue was blinded with the laser.

Lance's com-link went abruptly silent and Blue went still before falling to the ground below. Everyone started yelling at the same time.

Blue was crashing. Lance wasn't responding. There was chaos as Hunk in the Yellow Lion made a dive for Blue, but didn't quite make it before he hit the dirt.

"Get him up! Get him out!" Shiro was shouting desperately because more of those things were coming and Lance was a sitting duck.

"I-I got him," Hunk's voice was shaking though and Pidge thought that he had rarely sounded so freaked out.

"Keith!" Shiro was yelling now because the Red Lion had gone after the robot that was responsible for the attack. He literally dove into a pile of the things, slicing and ripping them apart with a ferocity that was unchecked and dangerous. Shiro could see more of the scorpions swarming and he knew the Red Lion would be in trouble too if he didn't pull back.

"Keith! Leave it! Fall back!"

Keith didn't stop and Shiro found his attention split between Blue, who was a dead weight being hauled away, and Red who had gone completely wild.

"Keith! Stop! We have other things to worry about! It's not worth you getting hurt! We can't lose anyone else!" Because that hit had looked brutal and Lance still wasn't responding to their calls. Shiro hoped that Lance was just knocked out, but even that wasn't a desirable outcome. Maybe the com had just been knocked out, but Shiro had a feeling of dread that Lance might be seriously injured or worse. This little base wasn't worth it.

Once the immediate area was clear, the Red Lion finally stopped burning and destroying everything and leapt up to join Shiro in retreat.

"I couldn't just leave it!" Keith shouted in breathless explanation.

"That was too dangerous," Shiro said grimly. "Don't do that again." Shiro then switched his concern back to their fallen teammate.

"Hunk, are you back at the castle? Did you get him?"

There was a brief pause and then static that stretched on for what felt like an eternity.

"Yeah, he's unconscious. He's uh… he's messed up," Hunk finally forced out.  

Shiro felt his stomach drop.

"I'm coming in. I'll be there. Hold on."

"Okay," Hunk whispered over the com, Shiro had never heard him sound so young before.

Shiro was grateful that Lance was unconscious because the laser had managed to do some damage. The beam had been mostly defused through Blue's exterior, but Lance still managed to be burned pretty badly. His face and part of his neck were blistered and red, luckily his armor and helmet had protected him for the most part, but any skin that was uncovered was now incredibly painful to look at.

They had him in a pod before he could regain consciousness.

"If he sees his face like that, he's going to freak." Pidge had said. Mention of Lance's vanity would have normally been humorous, but looking at the way his skin was now covered in painful blisters, nobody found anything funny in the comment.

Coran assured them all that Lance was going to be fine. He would heal and they had gotten to him so quickly it probably wouldn't even scar. Probably.

The debriefing that night made everyone feel like they wanted to throw up. All in all, it had been one of their least successful missions. The morale in the room was low and Shiro ended up just dismissing everyone early.

They had all been told to get some rest, but Pidge wandered down to Blue's hangar.

The Blue Lion was lying on her side on the floor, looking like a house cat stretched out in the sun. Pidge began curiously poking around some metal paneling by the neck that had come loose. The Lions seemed able to heal on their own to some extent, but Blue was looking a little worse for wear.

"Ah, hello Pidge," a cheerful voice sounded from above. Pidge jumped and squeaked in surprise.

"Coran!"

"Sorry, sorry, didn't mean to frighten you." Coran was standing up on the Lion's shoulder, peering down at Pidge with some amusement. "I was just having a look at the poor girl. I ran a preliminary scan as well. Seems she will be down for a while." Coran hopped down from his perch and dusted himself off. "So what brings you here?"

"Well, I just... I know Lance would be worried, so I wanted to check, since he can't right now."

Coran nodded in understanding.

"His Blue will be fine in a few days."

"I'm sure he will be happy to know that when he wakes up," Pidge said with a tired smile.

It was a relief to hear, after such a great amount of worry and panic that the Blue Lion really was going to be alright. Hopefully, Lance would never have to see Blue looking so defeated, Pidge knew it would break his heart.

When Lance awoke, he was groggy and he said his face itched, but there wasn't any noticeable damage anymore. It seemed to be an unspoken agreement that they wouldn't tell Lance how messed up he had actually looked after the attack. The thought would only scare him. So they hugged him and laughed and made plans to continue on as usual.

After dinner, Shiro pulled Lance to the side.

"In a few days, we wanted to do more recon on that planet, but we're probably going to keep our distance this time. Would you be up to it?"

Shiro wanted to go back to the laser scorpion robot planet.

Oh.

Lance forced a wide grin.

"Yeah, I'm up for round two."

Shiro smiled at him, relieved to see that the younger boy was doing so well and not shying away from the mission. Now that Lance was on the mend, Shiro had been thinking that anything worth protecting with that many robot sentries, was probably still worth investigating. They would just need to be extra careful.

Lance had a hard time sleeping that night.

At training the next day, Lance was slow and he knew that he was bringing the rest of the team down, but he couldn't focus. He was just so tired. When he had finally fallen asleep, he was awoken by a dream. He was pretty sure it had been about battling with Blue, but there was pain and bright lights that pierced his skull and gave him the worst headache. He felt nauseous upon waking and he spent the rest of the night tossing and turning and feeling genuinely miserable.

It was probably the fifth time that he had been knocked off his feet, when Shiro called it a day for everyone. Shiro extended an arm to help him up.

"Are you alright?" Shiro asked with a small frown.

"Just..." Lance didn't actually have a way to finish that sentence, so he trailed off. Being tired seemed like a pretty lame excuse for his awful performance today.

"You look pale, do you feel okay?"

"Yeah, um... It's just a headache. I'm fine."

"You should go rest. Tell us if it gets worse. You’re probably still healing."

"Yeah, maybe." Lance was quick to give a shrug and the best grin he could muster. "Probably just hungry or something. Don't worry about it." Lance hurried off to get away from his leader. The conversation had been making his headache worse and all he really wanted to do was find somewhere quiet to get over the pounding in his skull.

He was walking in a bit of a daze before he realized he was moving toward Blue's hangar instead of his room. That was fine; he hadn't visited Blue since he woke up. They had told him that Blue had taken a lot of damage, but that she was doing much better.

When Lance finally set his eyes on her, he thought that she looked a little scuffed up, but there wasn't any other major damage he could see. He didn't actually remember the hit that took them both down, Coran said that was typical after a trauma, so he had no idea how bad Blue had been hurt originally. The others seemed content to gloss over the topic. Lance didn’t like it, it felt like they were keeping secrets from him.

Soon he was curling up in his pilot's chair and releasing a huge sigh. His head still hurt, but he felt calmer now. Maybe he could rest a little, knowing that they were both safe and sound.

Before he knew it, Lance had drifted off to sleep.

Everything was tinged with an angry red and there was shouting and unbelievable pain. It was too hot, he was suffocating, he was dying...

Lance woke up with a strangled gasp. There was such a stabbing pain in his head that it made him dizzy and feel sick to his stomach. The red. It obscured his vision still and wouldn't leave. Where was he? Where was he? He couldn't see and it hurt so much... Blue he was with Blue. His vision cleared slightly as he felt the Lion's presence around him.

Lance took deep breaths, willing the nausea to go away. After some time, the pain had receded to a dull ache and Lance felt he could stand without puking all over the place. On shaky legs he walked down the ramp, left the hangar and began walking back to his room. This was the second weird dream he'd had now and he couldn't figure out why it was happening.

He had been injured, but so what? He had been injured before. Dreams like this didn't make any sense. Lance rubbed his face with his hands. Why did it still hurt so much? Maybe he was sick? That would just be his luck too. He certainly felt feverish.

Lance was just beginning to think he might take a shower, when he turned the corner and ran straight into Hunk.

"Whoa," Hunk exclaimed as Lance started to fall backwards. Hunk grabbed a hold of Lance's arm to steady him, but only managed to grab his sleeve. Lance fell hard on his butt, with one of his sleeves now being pulled past his wrist.

"Sorry! Are you alright?" Hunk quickly began hoisting Lance back on his feet, but all the movement was really too much for Lance and the nausea came back suddenly in full force.

Being who he was, Hunk had the dawning realization of what was about to happen and was able to move his feet in time to avoid the splatter of his friend's vomit.

Hunk was patting his back with one hand and using the other to wipe Lance's short hair off his forehead. He asked him if he was alright about ten times, but Lance couldn’t actually answer him.

Lance spat on the ground to rid his mouth of the taste and looked up at Hunk who was still running one hand through his friend’s hair, looking really worried.  

"Hunk," Lance managed to force out around a burp, "are you holding my hair back?"

"Well… yeah. That's what friends do."

Lance let out a short laugh, but then groaned.

"My hair is short, man,” Lance managed to say.

"Still made you feel better though, right?"

Lance slowly straightened up and he gave his friend a small smile. It actually had felt very soothing and it distracted him from the way his head had begun to pound again.

"Yeah, I guess it did."

After nearly puking on his best friend, Lance was told to rest. He had wanted to try and spend time with everyone, but Hunk snitched on him to Shiro, telling their leader he was sick and then Shiro had ordered him to bed.

So he sulked in his room, though he really didn't feel up to doing much anyway, but that wasn't the point.

Hunk soon joined him and sat on the floor of the room and tried to keep him entertained by telling him about some prank they had pulled on Keith while Lance was in the pod. Lance listened, but he felt his attention drifting. It really was hard to concentrate. Hunk had just gotten to the part about the pink ribbons, when Shiro walked in. Hunk scooted away from the bed, allowing him to have room to approach Lance.

So now Lance was being prodded at and Shiro was asking him if his head still hurt, how long he had felt sick for, did he feel feverish...

Lance had sort of nodded at all the questions, not really paying attention after a while, he just felt like his brain had gone fuzzy.

"Lance!" Oh, Shiro sounded irritated and worried now; he must have been trying to get his attention for a while.

"Sorry," Lance quickly muttered. "What did you say?"

"Are you sleeping?"

"I'm awake."

"No, I mean last night, did you sleep last night?"

"I did, but I... I woke up."

"You have those headphones don't you?" Hunk chimed in from behind Shiro. "Those usually help you sleep, don't they?"

"They do," Lance felt a bit awkward because he hadn't wanted everyone to know that he usually had to sleep with those headphones on, but Hunk didn't seem to think that Lance's occasional insomnia was something embarrassing to hide.

"I just woke up and I couldn't fall back to sleep." It had started to weigh on his mind now and it made him not want to sleep any time soon. Lance was embarrassed, but he looked up at Shiro. Shiro would understand, Shiro had nightmares all the time... Well maybe not all the time, but frequently enough that they all knew about it. Maybe it would be alright to be honest with Shiro.

"Why can't you fall back to sleep?"

"I had a bad dream, I guess." Well now that he said it out loud he thought he sounded dumb. Shiro had awful nightmares. Shiro had reason to have horrible nightmares. Lance was just being weak and immature.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Shiro asked, concern evident in his voice. Lance was surprised at that, it wasn't that big of a deal, Lance was just being sensitive.

"It's nothing, it's just lights and colors and my head hurts and I do feel feverish I guess. Then I wake up."

Shiro reached over and placed his hand on Lance's forehead.

"You are kind of warm. You need to drink water." Shiro let his hand fall to the side again. "Anything else you need to tell me?"

Lance shook his head slowly.

"Alright, try to rest. I'll talk to Coran and find something for the fever. Just take it easy."

Lance nodded and gave Shiro a thumbs up. No need to worry, Lance was fine. Just fine.

Lance found he was drifting in and out of awareness while Hunk talked about whatever entered his mind. Shiro stopped by with some tea that Coran had made and some cool compresses that were activated when you gave them a shake.

"Coran says this will help," Shiro said as he placed the cup in Lance's hands. Realizing Shiro wasn't leaving until he saw Lance drink, Lance brought the cup to his lips and began sipping carefully. It tasted bitter, but not overwhelmingly so.

Shiro left when he was satisfied that Lance was hydrated, comfortable and not in any immediate danger. Lance stretched out on his bed with a cold compress on his forehead. He sighed in relief as he felt his headache dissipate slightly.

Lance hadn't even realized he had actually fallen asleep until he heard a loud rustling that woke him up. He turned to see Hunk settled down in a sort of blanket nest that he had constructed for himself on the floor.

"We havin' a sleepov'r?" Lance slurred, his mind not entirely awake.

"Yeah, I figured I would just stay, y'know, in case."

"Don't haffta," Lance mumbled.

"I know I don't have to. I want to."

Lance hummed in response and let his eyes slip closed again. He really didn't deserve Hunk. He didn't deserve any of them.

Lance woke up with a shout and sat straight up in bed. The noise caused Hunk to jolt out of sleep as well and yelp in alarm. Lance groaned and flopped back on the bed. His head hurt so, so much, and he was covered in sweat. Hunk was at his side as soon as he managed to disentangle himself from his blankets. He was talking to Lance, feeling his forehead, asking if he was alright, Lance waved him off.

"Just a dream." Lance rasped out. But Hunk wasn't convinced.

"You're all sweaty." Hunk said instead. His friend wiped at his face with a new compress and Lance found he leaned into the movement. It was heavenly against his skin that felt too tight and way too warm. The headache was still there though and Lance felt his stomach react to the dizzying pain. He curled up on his side and shut his eyes tightly.

"Man, you going to throw up?" Hunk asked. "I got a bucket here for you, if you do."

"No," Lance forced out between clenched teeth. He really didn't want to puke again and he fought hard against the sensation. Hunk started rubbing his back and that made him feel a little better.

"Want to talk about your nightmare?" Hunk tried.

"It's not really a nightmare. Just a weird dream that hurts my head."

"You shouted for Blue when you woke up," Hunk said quietly.

"I did?" Lance screwed up his face. He hadn't even realized that he had yelled any actual words. Lance thought about that for a moment. His Lion was often there in the back of his thoughts and he seemed to have a sense of her presence, but at the moment he didn't feel much of anything. In fact he hadn't sensed Blue in a while, maybe Blue was still injured...

"Maybe it's Blue's dream." Lance wondered aloud. "Maybe that's what the lights are..."

"Lance," Hunk cleared his throat, "do you remember anything before you got hurt?"

"Not really. I remember thinking that those robot things were creepy and I remember Shiro yelling at me. It's all fuzzy though. Why?"

Hunk look dismayed and he shifted uncomfortably. They still hadn't told Lance how terrible he had looked after the battle. But what Lance was describing... it sounded like the moment he was attacked and Lance didn't even realize it. Hunk felt a lump rise in his throat.

"It was just... scary," Hunk settled on the word, feeling it was inadequate, but very true.

"Sorry," Lance whispered after a moment. Hunk sighed, he didn't want Lance to apologize, there wasn't any reason for him to apologize. But that was just a part of being Lance.

"I think I can sleep again," Lance mumbled. It was the middle of the night, he didn't want Hunk to have to sit up with him. Hunk needed to be rested, the team depended on him a lot and he couldn't be sleep deprived because Lance had a headache and a few weird dreams.

"You sure?"

"Yeah, I feel better now.”  

Well, he was tired and his blanket nest had been super comfortable, so if Lance said he felt better…

"Wake me up if you need anything."

"I will,” Lance lied.

Eventually, Lance had drifted back to sleep. He was so out of it, he didn't hear when Shiro checked on him or when Hunk left in the morning. When he finally did wake up, it was past lunch time and he actually did feel better. The headache was still there, but it was dull, easier to ignore. He felt a little off, as if he had just run a marathon. His body felt sore and tired, but it wasn't anything he couldn't handle, it wasn't anything he couldn't hide from the others.

Shiro remarked that he was looking better and Lance had grinned broadly at that. Hunk still seemed worried, but he brightened up when Lance ate a large lunch and showed no signs of feeling ill anymore.

Lance felt better up until Shiro announced that he wanted them to scout around the planet again. Shiro, Keith and Hunk would be the only ones getting close to the planet’s surface this time. Pidge and Lance were supposed to stay back and spot danger from above, providing assistance from afar. Lance had started to protest, but the words died in his throat. At the thought of going down to that world again, his stomach rolled. He could feel his headache start up once more. He didn't want to go there, even if he was keeping his distance. Which was a stupid, cowardly way to feel. They were fighting a war, Lance couldn't afford to be weak or afraid. He couldn't let the others see that. It was bad enough that his behavior over the last few days had put him on lookout duty, instead of fighting alongside Hunk and Keith.

He agreed to the plan, trying to hide the insecurity he felt over being sidelined. Pidge isn't going to be fighting either, he thought to himself... But something with that was weird too. Pidge could be useful in the fight with the Green Lion’s cloaking ability… It was then that Lance caught Pidge’s eye and realized his friend was looking at him with concern.

Oh. Pidge was worried about him. He glanced around the room and saw similar looks on all of their faces. So he was purposefully being kept out of the fight and Pidge was going to be babysitting him then.

Lance felt embarrassment heat up his face. But even though he was humiliated, he also felt relieved to not have to fight on that planet again.

His stomach turned and he thought it felt like shame.  

As soon as they had gone over their briefing they were on their way to their Lions. Lance had taken the zip line, and immediately regretted it. The trip made his arms hurt and his head spin. He was just holding on till he could be with Blue again. Just a few more minutes. He shut his eyes and ran the last few meters towards her. He just needed to get to Blue. Then he could breathe easily and his stomach would settle and he wouldn’t feel so conflicted over this stupid mission.

The ramp didn't open.

Blue had lowered herself to meet him and then… just sat there. Lance, who had been running with his eyes shut, confident in the steps that would lead him to Blue, was met with unrelenting metal surface. That impact had hurt; with Lance colliding with Blue’s closed mouth and then skidding off to the side. But what really caused Lance pain was the fact that Blue had just shut him out.

"Blue?" Lance asked in a shaking voice and he tasted blood in his mouth from biting his lip when he crashed into his Lion.

No, this couldn't be right. This couldn't be right.

"Blue?"

This was a mistake. It had to be. Everyone was waiting for him. What if they needed to form Voltron? What if they needed him?

"Blue," Lance was scrambling, climbing onto Blue's muzzle. "What's going on? Why won't you let me in?"

Blue then slowly dipped her head low at an angle, so that Lance slid off and onto the floor. She then went still again. Lance had always felt a connection with his Lion and it was in that moment that he realized he felt nothing. Blue had withdrawn from him completely. All that was left was this regretful, hollow feeling.

“Blue, please. Blue, come on."

Lance set his hands on the lines of Blue’s mouth and he tried his best to pry at it with his fingers.

"Blue, I'm sorry, alright? I'm sorry I let you get hurt before. I'll be better. I can be better."

The Lion did not move.

"Blue, please. I'm so sorry. Please don't do this. I know I'm not good at this, I know I'm not good enough, but I'm trying. I'm trying. Please, girl."

But the Lion didn't answer.

Lance became frantic, this couldn't be happening. If he couldn't be the blue paladin, if he wasn't the blue paladin then he was nothing. Worthless, like he had feared and known all along. Useless to the team. Weak. Blue had finally realized how pathetic he was, how incapable he was.

"Blue!"

Nobody wanted him.

In an instant, Lance was crying harder than he had in his life. He had been trying so hard to seem calm, to seem good enough. Even though his head hurt and he didn’t feel well at all. All of his effort was crumbling before him, everything he was slipped through his fingers. He was screaming now too. Hitting his powerless fists against Blue, still begging for the Lion to accept him again. Lance felt like his heart had broken, he loved Blue, he loved his team. And now it was being taken from him. They were all going to be taken from him.

He didn’t know how long he stood there, yelling and begging, crying too hard to form complete sentences. Soon arms were wrapping around him and Lance struggled hard, still screaming at Blue to please forgive him. He was dragged a distance away and fought hard to free himself, but then through blurry eyes, Lance saw Blue's particle barrier rise. She didn't want him near her.

Lance sobbed hard and became dead weight.

"Lance, dear boy, you're all right. It's going to be all right." Coran had been the one to find him and had dragged him away from Blue before the boy could hurt himself.

"Coran..." Lance sobbed, but no other words came from Lance. He just pressed his palms to his face and cried. Heaving such great sobs that he couldn't draw in a breath. Coran knelt and held him as he waited for the others to return. They hadn’t gotten far before they realized there was a problem.

Lance turned his head and cried into Coran's shoulder, smearing tears, snot and blood there. He was holding onto Coran as if he was the only thing keeping him from falling apart completely. And Lance apologized and apologized with breath he didn't even have to spare.

Coran tried to shush him, to calm him, but Lance couldn't stop the anguish he felt spilling out of him. This was it. He was going to be kicked off the team. But how would that even work? They were so far from earth, it wasn't like they could just dump him off there. He was going to have to stay on the ship. Just useless and so, so ashamed.

And Blue. His Blue. The Lion had finally figured out what a failure he was, she rejected him. And the pain of that severed connection was the most poignant loss Lance had ever felt.

He began to curl away from Coran. Resting his face on his drawn up knees instead. Coran was hesitant to let him go, but Lance refused to lean on him anymore. He was so hurt and humiliated and he didn't know how he was going to face his team.

As if on cue, Shiro was kneeling in front of him, talking quickly with Coran and hovering one hand over Lance's shoulder. Shiro must have cancelled the mission and that just brought more shame on Lance. He was holding them back, always messing things up, bringing down the whole team.

"Lance, talk to me, what happened?"

But Lance just shook his head, unable to speak without choking on tears.

"The Blue Lion isn't allowing him in," Coran said quietly and Lance choked hard upon hearing the words.

"Alright, just breathe. You're alright." Shiro touched him lightly on the shoulder.

"Is this blood? Is he hurt?" Shiro asked, noticing the red stain on Coran's shoulder.

"I think he bit his lip."

"Hunk!" Shiro suddenly called, the yellow paladin had just burst into the area, a bit winded, but still hustling to get to the Blue Lion's hangar.

There was a rapid discussion that Lance didn’t hear while he forced his breathing to even out. He still hiccupped with sobs, but in that moment he let it all fade away. They were talking about him and he couldn't find the energy to even look at them.

Hunk was soon at his side, telling him something comforting and Lance nodded though he couldn't fully process what was being said. He was then being pulled to his feet and he stumbled, but Hunk had an arm tightly around him.

"It's going to be alright, Lance," Hunk assured him.

"Blue... Blue..." Lance tried to explain, but he couldn't get the words out. He was such a coward he couldn't even say it out loud. Blue had rejected him as her pilot. Blue didn't want him anymore...

"Hey, just breathe. Coran's going to figure out what’s going on. It's alright."

Lance's brain went sort of numb then. Maybe he had finally just run out of sorrow for the moment.

Before he knew it, he was back in his room and Hunk had sat him down on the bed. His friend sat there, prepared to be a shoulder to cry on and a source of comfort, but Lance fell over onto the mattress and turned to face the wall. He curled up as tightly as he could and shuddered through an unexpected chill. After a long time, Lance was able to find his voice.

"You don't have to stay, Hunk."

"Lance," Hunk sighed. "Last week, I almost lost my best friend. And today, I got an emergency call that something had gone wrong and we needed to come back because Lance was in danger. So I think I'm just going to sit here for a little while. Alright?"

"I wasn't in danger."

"Coran disagreed. He told us you weren't responding to him."

Lance thought about it. He supposed there was a span of time when he was begging Blue not to abandon him that Coran was there watching, calling for him. But Lance hadn't heard him.

"Sorry."

"Don't apologize, man. Just rest."

"I hurt Blue," Lance explained brokenly, “I’m s-sorry”, because he couldn't help it. It was the only thing he could think to say that made sense.  

 Hunk tried to talk to him, but Lance wouldn’t listen, in the end, Hunk just stayed close until Lance calmed again.  

Lance didn't exactly sleep, instead he just stared blankly at the wall, and time seemed to pass away in broken pieces. Hunk rubbed his back, occasionally offering a reassurance if he felt a sob build up in Lance’s chest. Pidge came in at some point and curled up behind Lance, wrapping an arm around his middle and holding him for a long time. Lance allowed it, but he didn't really understand why they weren't more irritated with him, he had ruined the mission for the second time after all.

Thoughts of being forced out of the team encompassed him and his breathing hitched as he started to cry anew. He didn’t want to cry anymore, but he couldn't help it. Along with feeling like his heart had been smashed to pieces, his head had started to hurt again. The pain was starting to become too much to handle and coupled with the new ache in his chest, he thought he might just never be able to get out of bed again. Well, that would probably be alright, he wasn't a paladin anymore, so he didn't have a reason to get out of bed.

Lance choked as his mind swirled with dark thoughts and he began crying harder. Pidge's grip tightened around him and he heard Hunk saying something that sounded like it was supposed to be soothing. But he just cried and cried until his pillow was soaked. Someone had put a new compress to his forehead and he found it provided him with some relief from a fever he hadn't even been aware of. Someone was maneuvering him into a more upright position and bringing a cup to his lips.

"Drink," Shiro's voice, "it will help."

Without question he drank what was being offered to him and then he fell back to the mattress. Pidge was still there beside him, apparently small enough to take up a permanent residence at Lance's side. Small hands moving through his hair was the last thing he noticed before a sudden sleep overtook him.

After giving Lance tea that Coran had said would help the boy finally sleep peacefully again, Shiro and Hunk stepped out in the hallway to talk. Lance was left with Pidge who was dutifully changing his compress and offering as much comfort as possible.

"How has he been doing?" Shiro asked. Hunk raised an eyebrow at their leader.

"Uh... You've seen him. That's how he is doing."

"I know. I mean... Has he talked to you about it? I know he's sick too, but maybe if he talked about it, he wouldn't be quite so miserable."

"He hasn't said much. He just keeps apologizing."

"He doesn't need to apologize."

"He thinks he hurt Blue. He loves that Lion, he can't stand that he hurt her."

"Coran is running some diagnostics to try to figure out what happened. He says that there must be something wrong with the Lion."

"Coran doesn't think it's something Lance did?"

"No, of course not."

"Could he come tell Lance that?"

"Would Lance listen?"

"Probably not at this point."

"Right, I'm going to go check in with Coran again, maybe he's found something. Just keep an eye on him and let me know if he gets worse."

"Shiro?" Hunk called after him. Shiro turned and looked at the younger boy, but Hunk hesitated. "Lance's dreams are about lights and pain. That's all he said before."

Shiro turned to fully face the yellow paladin.

"I think he remembers the attack, but it's like his brain can't process it."

Shiro's jaw tightened.

"I hope you're wrong about that. He doesn't deserve to have to live with that memory."

"Well, nobody deserves something like that."

Shiro blinked, having the sudden feeling that Hunk wasn’t just talking about Lance now.

"I'll be back later," Shiro said, feeling a bit uncomfortable with the topic. Hunk had only nodded in response and Shiro was soon walking resolutely through familiar hallways. Back to the Blue Lion's hangar, to where Coran and Pidge had set up several computers that were all running detailed diagnostics on Blue.

"Has a Lion ever rejected a paladin?" Shiro had asked earlier, because it certainly seemed like that is what Blue had done, even though Lance had done nothing to warrant the behavior.

"Well, yes, but not like this. Never just out of nowhere. At least not the Blue Lion. I could see the Red Lion doing it maybe, but even then it wouldn't be completely without reason."

As he walked, Shiro turned the words over in his mind. He knew Lance had done nothing to lose Blue's trust. They had both been injured in battle, but that was nothing new. Lance hadn't been acting recklessly or without concern for his Lion. Lance loved Blue, it was obvious in the way the boy talked to her. Shiro was disrupted from his internal thoughts when he realized he had someone quietly trailing behind him.

"Keith," Shiro greeted the boy who seemed to be wary of approaching Shiro outright. "Are you alright?" Because Keith had been too quiet lately and he seemed to be on edge ever since the battle that brought Lance down in the first place.

"I'm fine," Keith answered quickly, "did you just see Lance? Is he doing any better?"

The last time Keith had seen Lance, the other boy was being half carried by Hunk, looking nearly catatonic. Seeing Lance shut down like that had really bothered Keith. It had just been so wrong. Lance was so energetic and annoyingly happy, Lance being too upset to function? That just wasn’t right.

"You know you can go see him, right?"

Keith folded his arms and didn't respond right away. Shiro waited patiently for the boy to gather his thoughts.

"He already has his friends with him. It would just be crowded if I went."

"Keith, you're not in the way. If you want to check on him, then do it. You'll feel better."

Keith stared at the ground and Shiro felt that he wasn't getting through to him. He would have to change tactics.

"Pidge is probably going to come back down to help Coran soon. Hunk could probably use the company. He's really worried about Lance and I think it would be great if you could bring him something to eat."

Keith tilted his head in contemplation. Well, if it was to help a team member and not because he was just worried...

"Alright." Keith finally agreed.

When Keith entered Lance's room, he felt like he was intruding, regardless of what Shiro had told him. But Hunk grinned at him upon his arrival and Pidge sat up, leaving Lance's side for the first time in hours.

"I brought sandwiches." Keith said, holding up the box he had found to put them all in.

Allura had helped him put all of it together. She had been worried, but she seemed hesitant to come check on Lance for herself. She said something about feeling like an outsider and Keith had nodded in understanding. However, she seemed very comfortable telling him to go check on Lance and bring him this broth and ask if he wanted new blankets or pillows or anything else. She then ushered him off and he felt like a kid being rushed off on the first day of school. She might as well have told him to ‘make new friends’ on his way out. Keith always hated it when adults told him that. After a while, they stopped saying stuff like that to him though.

Pidge smiled at Keith and snagged a sandwich before turning to leave.

"He's sleeping, but I'm sure he wouldn't mind if you wanted to try to talk to him," Pidge prompted Keith with a gentle smile.

"I don't have anything to say," Keith muttered, but Pidge ignored him and kept walking, leaving him alone with Hunk and Lance. After a moment of hesitation, Keith stepped forward and set the box of food down on the floor near Hunk. Hunk was perched on the end of the bed while Lance was lying still, turned away toward the wall. Keith sat down on the floor, looking uncomfortable the entire time.

"Um, uh… here." Keith handed a sandwich to Hunk. "Allura helped me make them. I don't actually know what is in them and the bread is, like… tough and chewy."

"Thanks, Keith."

"There's broth for Lance too." Keith held up the canteen that contained the soup. "I know he's asleep right now, so obviously he can't, but maybe later. If he wakes up, unless you think he should wake up now or-"

"Keith," Hunk said too loudly. Lance mumbled something in his sleep and the other two boys went completely quiet. Keith held his breath as Lance settled back into sleep. Hunk exhaled noisily and it surprised Keith that he wasn’t the only one holding his breath.

"Keith, could you check the compress on his head for me?" Hunk tried a bite of his sandwich and then reached into the box for a water pouch.

Keith inched forward until he was next to Lance's bed. He carefully sat on the edge of it and set his hand on Lance's forehead. The compress there was still cool and damp. Now that he was close to Lance he could see how pale and tired Lance still looked. Even in sleep, he looked exhausted. His breathing interrupted by the occasional hitching of his breath.

Lance was crying in his sleep.

"He's been doing that off and on for the last hour or so. You can try talking to him. That usually calms him down."

Keith swallowed, his throat feeling dry.

"Lance," Keith whispered. "I... I saw Allura earlier. She wants you to get better. And I know Shiro is really worried and Coran is doing all this research and stuff… I think you might be his favorite one on the team." Keith paused and watched as Lance's breathing began to even out.

"And I know Blue likes you a lot. So they'll figure out what happened soon and it's going to be... fine." Keith looked at Hunk who gave him an encouraging nod. Keith absently brushed some of Lance’s hair back, away from the compress.  

"Anyway, I never got a chance to say before... I'm sorry about everything that happened. When we were down on the planet, Shiro had told me to watch your back, but I still couldn’t get there fast enough. So… I'm sorry."

"Sorry..." Lance echoed in his sleep. Keith jumped at the response and snatched his hand away from Lance's hair as if he had been burned. Hunk would have thought it was funny if Lance hadn't spent the last few hours apologizing for things he had no control over. However, Lance looked more relaxed than he had been in a long time.

"Thank you," Hunk said sincerely, but Keith just shrugged.

"I'm just being honest."

"You're a good guy, Keith."

"I'm really not. Lance is a better person than I am. I mean, everyone likes Lance."

Hunk tilted his head to the side and studied Keith for a moment.

"Everyone likes you too, y'know?"

Keith shook his head, but Hunk spoke up before he could say anything.

"No, it's true. Everyone likes you too. Just trust me on this."

Hunk looked so sincere that Keith could only nod in response. The other boy grinned at that and motioned back to Lance.

"You can keep talking to him. It really does help."

Keith nodded and settled back in with one hand hesitantly resting atop Lance's head. He spoke quietly about anything that came to mind and he was surprised to find how comfortable he was. Shiro had been right, he didn’t feel like he was in the way. This was his team and he belonged with them.

"That's interesting."

"What's interesting?"

"Something isn't right here."

"What is it?"

"This code is corrupted."

"What code? Blue's code?"

"It's damaged, here look." Coran pointed to an undecipherable section of numbers on his screen.

"Coran, that doesn't look like anything to me.” Shiro couldn’t even recognize most of the symbols.

"It's spreading."

"The damage?"

"Well it was spreading, but it looks like Blue was able to stop it."

"Wait, wait, what does that mean?"

"Blue is sick?" Pidge's voice sounded from behind them. Surprised, Shiro turned to see Pidge regarding them from the entrance to the hangar.

"Well, in the most basic of terms... Yes, Blue is sick,” Coran confirmed. Pidge walked over and stared at the screens.

"How?" Pidge asked, curious and worried all at once.

"Looks like it started a few days ago... With the fight on that planet. Those things must have done something to her. Poor girl."

"Can Blue heal herself from this?" Pidge asked.

"Yes, I believe so. It might take quite a bit of time. A full system reboot. It's probably why she didn't let Lance in. She couldn't handle a mission right now. I would know more if I had some intel from the planet. Maybe it's something like a security measure that they have in place? That explains why there are no actual guards there. Just the robots you encountered, they must spread this sickness somehow."

"Wait, wait, is that why Lance is sick too?" Shiro asked.

“It’s not something that should be able to infect Lance.”

"But can the connection we have with the Lions work like that? Is he sick because of Blue?"

"I suppose, it's not out of the realm of possibility. Depends on the nature of the distortion and the bond between paladin and Lion. As I said, I would know more if I could have some further information about it."

“That’s why she shut him out,” Pidge whispered in dawning realization. “Blue was trying to stop Lance from getting sick. It makes sense! Hunk said that Lance mentioned not being able to hear Blue anymore. She must have been trying to cut off their connection. To keep him from getting sick.”

"That’s a sound judgement,” Coran began typing into the computer he was working on.

"But Blue will heal, right? And then Lance will be fine?” Shiro asked as he studied the Lion in front of them.

"I believe so."

"So if we could get more data from the computers on the planet’s base, then you would know for sure, right? You could help them if you had more information?" Pidge was beginning to inch away from the screen, making plans to head for the exit.

"I think I would, yes."

Pidge continued to back away, but caught Shiro’s thoughtful gaze.

"Pidge... It's too dangerous for you-"

"Shiro! This is the only way to help Lance! I can go in the Green Lion. I'll be fast."

"You didn't let me finish. It's too dangerous for you to go alone. I'll go with you. Maybe Keith will be up for the trip too."

Pidge smiled. "Thank you, Shiro."

When Shiro came for Keith, the younger boy knew something had happened. Shiro had that expression he wore when they were going into battle. Keith left Lance's side with a promise to return later and Hunk was left alone again with Lance. Hunk wasn’t sure what was going on, but he figured he would be let in the loop eventually. With a sigh, he went back to his nest and stretched out. He was starting to feel tired, and since Lance seemed to be perfectly relaxed, he thought he might be able to sleep a little bit. He had just closed his eyes, when he was being shaken awake by Pidge.

He started to protest, but then Pidge was going on about a new mission and they were going back down to that horrible planet and could he please keep an eye on Lance, but also be on standby in case the whole thing went to hell?

Hunk agreed before he had finished processing. He had only understood that they needed information from the Galra base and that it was to help Lance and Blue. If it was going to help Lance, Hunk would have agreed to anything.

An hour later, Hunk was wearing his helmet and listening to the distant chatter of his teammates. He couldn’t see what was going on, but so far, everybody was in one piece. He was nervously bouncing his knee, waiting to hear if they needed him, when Lance finally woke up. Hunk removed the helmet and set it next to him on the floor. He would still hear it, if they ran into trouble.

"Hey, how are you feeling?" Hunk asked gently, kneeling next to the bed.

"Fine," Lance answered automatically, though he sounded a bit raspy.

"You want to eat something? There is some broth here."

"I'm not hungry." Lance sat up in bed slowly, dislodging the compress that had been placed on his forehead. He looked around the room in confusion. "Was Pidge here?"

"Yes, Keith was too. They had to go do something though." Details would probably only worry Lance, and Hunk wanted him to remain calm.

"Alright," Lance said in a near whisper. He lay back down and stretched out on the bed again, shutting his eyes. He grimaced and began rubbing at his temples. Hunk searched for the compress that had been knocked into the blankets somewhere.

"Headache?" Hunk asked. Lance hummed in response. "Worse than before?" Hunk found the compress and moved to replace it on his friend's forehead. Lance didn't know how to answer that question, it felt about the same he thought. Like he was being stabbed in his skull over and over again.

"You should eat," Hunk tried.

"I'll throw it up again. It's making me dizzy."

"You should still try," Hunk brushed Lance’s bangs away, smoothing them back.

"I want to go home." Lance hadn't meant to say it, it had just slipped out. Because it was true. Because he was in pain, heartbroken, sick and he just wanted to be home. He knew it wasn't even possible, but it was what he wanted more than anything in that moment. He pushed his palms into his eyes as tears begin to slip out. Once he started, he found it was impossible to stop and soon he was sobbing again. And he was so humiliated that he couldn't control this sadness that it just added to his pain and anguish. He was so pathetic, he was so weak.

"Hey, hey, hey..."

Useless. Worthless. Annoying.

"Lance, please don't..."

Stupid. Pointless. Good for nothing.

Hunk was wrapping his arms around him as best as he could and squeezing him hard.

"Lance, stop. Please stop." Hunk's tears wet Lance’s neck as they fell unhindered. "You're not, you're not." Hunk was repeating over and over. Oh, he must have been saying those things aloud.

Suddenly he felt a familiar wave rush through him. Blue. It was Blue. His Blue. She was there in his mind and she was so, so worried about him. Lance felt her anguish at having to leave him and her frustration at being unable to explain. Then there was the sense of danger, something was wrong, this was dangerous. But Lance didn't care, Blue was there, Blue didn't hate him.

Lance sat up in the bed, ignoring the extraordinary pain he felt burst in his skull. Hunk asked him what was wrong and Lance smiled through the agony he was now feeling.

"It's Blue," Lance said in a hushed voice.

Blood then began to stream from Lance's nostrils and he promptly collapsed in Hunk's arms, as still as death.

There were few other times that panic gripped Hunk like it did when Lance passed out on him, his blood puddling on the mattress. He had carried him to the med bay, yelling into his com for help and when Coran realized that something had gone very wrong, the Altean had run as fast as he could to meet them. Unsure of what was happening, they were forced to put Lance in a pod again, so that he would become stable.

"He said it was Blue. Then he just, he just…"

"It probably was. She's been blocking him off from her because it's been too risky. I guess she couldn't stand it anymore."

"For a second, he was so happy and then he just... I thought he had died."

Coran looped his arm around Hunk’s shoulders.

“He’ll be alright,” Coran whispered. “We’ll make sure of it.”

Hunk wiped away the tears that had formed in his eyes and gave a resolute nod. They were going to take care of him.

In the end, Pidge had been able to download the files with the information they needed to understand everything that happened to Lance and Blue. The Galra base had been developing a sort of computer virus that would infect any system of any people that might oppose them. They ended up having their own robotics infected by it and found it made them unstable. At close range, they were also able to spread the virus through their sharp, weaponized tails. In the end, the Galra abandoned the base, letting it become overrun by the things they had created. The planet was now off limits to all, the danger being too high to visit again.

If Blue had been anything less than extraordinary, she would have succumbed to the virus as well, but she fought back. However, Lance had such a deep connection with her that it had caused him to suffer too. He felt her pain and he dreamed her nightmares. So she shut him out to protect the paladin she loved.

They waited until Lance was better to explain what they had gone through to get the information. Lance was horrified at first and Pidge's heart broke a little when he looked at them all with watery eyes and asked them why they would do something like that? Why would they risk so much?

"Because we're a team. We're family," Shiro explained.

"You would have done it for any of us," Keith said with a shrug.

"I'm so-"

"No," Hunk cut him off. "No more apologies. I don't want to hear you apologize for a long time. Just say thank you."

"Th-thank you," Lance stammered out. Hunk hugged Lance hard after that and if their faces were both a little wet from tears, nobody said anything.

"Lance! It's time to go!" Shiro called from across the hangar.

"In a minute!" Lance shouted back. This was their first day getting to all train together again after Lance had fully recovered, but Lance had first insisted on catching up with Blue first.

He was sitting on the floor, in front of his Lion who was resting with her head between her paws. Blue had made a full recovery and was going to be fine, which meant that Lance was feeling almost completely better too.     

"So then I told Keith that he wasn't going to have any of my dessert, because Hunk had made it especially for me, since I was feeling better, and that jerk said he was going to eat it all if I didn’t hurry up. We started fighting and Shiro told us to stop. Pidge says that Keith and I are aging Shiro."

"Lance!" It was Keith now, "Shiro says we are going to start without you!"

"One tick!" Lance shouted over his shoulder before turning back to his Lion. "Keith's not a bad guy really… Don't tell him I said that though!"

"Lance!" Keith called again.

"Alright, I gotta go." Lance stood and turned to leave, but then paused as he listened to what sounded like a faint purring. Lance smiled at that. "Aw, I love you too, Blue."

Lance then turned and ran to join his teammates who were all waiting for him at the hangar’s entryway.

Hunk had pulled him into a sideways hug with a huge grin on his face. Lance returned the smile. They were soon noisily making their way down to the training deck, laughing and chatting easily. Everyone, Hunk especially, had been taking the time to show Lance how much they cared about him. How much they valued him. And while Lance was still biting back apologies nearly all the time, he was learning to accept their kindness and their love as though he deserved it.  

He didn’t know what he had done to earn their friendship, but he really believed he was lucky to have this team at his side.

Within the hangar, Blue purred in contentment.