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Bones would be so smug at him right now if the coarse southern man didn't have his hands full with actual patients instead of an ornery, hard-headed Captain. Unfortunately he did, however, and Jim was left to himself. Normally he would be glad for the respite but after four straight shifts at the helm and an inordinate amount of stress brought on by their last mission, Jim felt anything but normal. He was bone-tired, but the adrenaline that had kept him alive during the mission was still rushing through his veins, keeping him awake against his will. Along with a racing heart came a racing mind that he couldn't control, telling him all of the things that could have gone wrong and trying to rationalize the irrationality of what he had seen. As soon as he left the bridge, finally feeling secure enough to leave the night crew in charge, his feet went on autopilot and he wandered the corridors in a daze. Just as he was thinking that he should maybe go see Bones, even if it was only for a sleep-aid hypo, he found himself facing a wall--no, a door. Mistaking it for his own he pressed his hand to the access pad and the door slid open. He was quickly corrected in his assumption, however, as he was met with a heat and humidity that he was unused to, as well as the soothing scent of spices that he could only vaguely recognize. When his eyes adjusted to the dim light of the room he could see Spock sitting on the floor at the foot of his bed, a colorful and intricately woven mat underneath him. The Vulcan was clearly in a state of meditation as he hadn't responded to Jim's arrival in the slightest way. Jim felt as though he should leave, but the warmth and quiet offered him the first peace he had felt in nearly two days and he was loathe to leave it behind. Instead, he quietly closed the door and propped himself up against the wall next to it, allowing his eyes to slip closed as he was enveloped in the calm atmosphere of Spock's room.
He dreamed of strangely familiar red sand, of two suns and a language that he should not have understood, yet came to him almost as if he had known it his entire life. He dreamed of a large animal that seemed like a domesticated bear (sehlat, a comforting voice in his mind supplied) and a large feline that roamed the dunes and kept small children inside at night (le-matya, came the voice again. He probably should have been, but he wasn't surprised to realize that the voice was Spock's). It was the first time in a long time he could remember dreaming, and the first time he had ever dreamed of Vulcan. The dream itself was disjointed, flashes of color and sound and the comforting suffocation of Vulcan humidity. Jim felt safe, however, and that feeling of safety surrounded him until he felt as though he were floating--
Jim woke to a gentle hand on his shoulder, his head snapping up and heart rate quickening before he recognized the eyes in front of him. He sighed in relief and rolled his head to massage away the crick in his neck.
"Hey Spock, sorry about falling asleep in here, I…it's been a long few days," Jim started, attempting to stand but finding himself pinned quite efficiently to the wall by the cage of Spock's body.
"It is understandable, Captain, that you would be tired after such an ordeal." Spock looked concerned, first and foremost, but he also looked curious.
"It's Jim, Spock, I'm off duty." At this, Spock straightened some and allowed Jim to stand. Jim did so gratefully, and faced his friend's still scrupulous features.
"Very well, Jim. It seems as though you are not in need of medical attention, as I am sure you are aware. However, I am wondering how you came to be in my quarters rather than your own."
Jim felt himself blush hotly. "I may have went on autopilot on my way back from the bridge…" he looked down at his wrist and checked the time "…nearly an hour ago. Wow, how long has it been since you finished meditating?"
"I roused from my trance approximately twenty-seven point three minutes ago, Captain. It took me several minutes, however, to realize that you were present in the room with me, as you had fallen asleep and therefore made no sound."
"Geez, I'm sorry again, Spock. As I was saying, I walked in here thinking it was my room. I really didn't mean to intrude, It's just very warm and…it smelled nice. I wasn't thinking clearly, and I didn't want to disrupt you, so I just shut the door and the next thing I knew I was on the floor halfway asleep."
"There is no need for apology, Jim. You neither intruded on my privacy nor disrupted my meditation. Are you feeling somewhat better at this time?"
"Yes, I feel much better in fact. I should probably return to my own quarters now, I suppose. Thanks for letting me sleep, Spock. I'll try to remember where my own door is next time."
"Appreciated but unnecessary, Jim. You are always welcome in my quarters, both professionally and as a friend." Jim was taken by surprise by Spock's blatant expression of affection, and he could feel a pleased smirk crawl onto his face unbidden. He could tell that Spock noticed his change in expression by a soft green flush creeping into his cheeks and the tips of his ears.
"Thank you, Spock." Jim turned towards the door and made his intent to exit clear, at which Spock stepped back to allow him space to move. "You have a nice night, Commander, and get some rest."
"The same to you, Jim." The name was spoken so softly that Jim could almost convince himself that the fondness in Spock's voice was a trick of hearing, just wishful thinking encouraged by a lack of sleep and close proximity. As he stepped out into the hallway and heard Spock's door softly hiss closed behind him, Jim shook his head as if to clear it of the cobwebs of his fantasies and turned, opening the next door to the right and entering his own private quarters. It soon became clear that his nap had not done him any favors, though, as he lay awake in his bed for quite some time before finally drifting off into a dreamless sleep.
It wasn't long before Jim found himself back in Spock's quarters, at his wits end over Starfleet's newest problem and in need of some sort of focus. He didn't think too hard about what it meant that his first instinct was to go to Spock for guidance. They had gotten pretty close over the years, he figured, and it was only natural to seek out your friends in rough times. So he stood outside of Spock's door for just a moment before knocking gently on the door. There was a pause and then a quiet "come" floated out into the hall and Jim let himself in. Spock was sitting at his desk in his casual robes (which Jim still refused to call casual), looking mildly engrossed by a book he was reading. He looked up intently when Jim approached, however, and it was obvious that Jim's frustration was showing on his face by the lines that appeared across the Vulcan's forehead.
"Jim, is something troubling you?" Spock rose from his desk and motioned for Jim to sit across from him at the table that they used for their increasingly frequent games of chess.
"The newest set of orders from Starfleet. They're sending an Ambassador on board at the next Star Base, and we're supposed to take them to a planet that's been at war with their neighbor for hundreds of years to attempt to convince them to make a peace treaty." Jim could tell Spock was confused, and he could empathize. These were standard orders that the Enterprise and her crew had performed many times in the past. However, Spock didn't look like he doubted Jim, which was a testament to his faith in his Captain and friend. Jim set that thought aside to mull over later, and returned to the conversation at present.
"I don’t understand, is there something suspect about our orders?"
"Well, when I looked at the planetary status of out destination, they didn't look like a planet perpetually in war. Their death tolls are large, granted, but they have a thriving trade industry, open travel, and they have not experienced any famine or planet-wide illnesses in at least a century. To be honest, they seem like an average planet that just has a few hundred inhabitants suddenly drop dead every Earth month or so." If anything, Spock looked more confused, as well as a touch concerned.
"That is strange. I will look into this further as our approach to Star Base eleven nears. Thank you for bringing this to my attention, Jim." Immediately, Jim felt a weight lifted from his shoulders. He smiled for the first time in what felt like days, and it was obvious that Spock could read his emotions on his face as he looked somewhat pleased himself. Jim sighed and leaned back in his seat, and Spock mirrored his movement. Jim studied his friend for a moment before leaning forward again.
"Chess, Mr. Spock?" he asked, a playful look crossing his face.
"I would be delighted, Captain," replied Spock, and Jim was sure he wasn't imagining the pleased glint in his First Officer's eye as he pulled up the 3-D chess sim they both had on their personal PADDs.
"What are the probabilities of me winning, again?"
"Approximately seventeen point nine three percent, Jim."
"Perfect."
It was several games and a few hours later when Jim leaned back and stretched, feeling his back twinge from being bent towards the board. He was loathe to leave, but even as he stood he felt the façade of the game fade away in the intensity of Spock's gaze.
"Are you quite alright, Jim?"
"Yeah, just getting a little older I suppose." He turned, pressing his fingers into his back where he could reach and bending back to attempt to alleviate the soreness there. Suddenly, Spock was much closer, just behind his shoulder, and Jim could feel cool air ghosting past his neck. Cool, strong hands replaced his own as he stood there half in shock, and Spock began to massage small circles into the spaces around his spine. Jim quickly relaxed into the contact, however; soon his eyes slid shut and simply enjoyed the sensations. Some of his tiredness must have projected through their contact, however, because he could almost feel Spock's concern as he was led to sit on the edge of the bed. Spock crouched in front of him, eyebrows creased in a way that Jim found increasingly endearing.
"Have you been sleeping well, Jim?" Jim hated to lie to his friend, so he told the truth.
"Honestly, Spock, I've been restless lately. I guess I'm just anxious." He rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly, not wanting to appear weak in front of his First Officer but also trusting Spock with everything.
"Perhaps I could teach you how to meditate in the Vulcan tradition. It may help alleviate stress and improve sleep quality." Well, Jim hadn't been expecting that. After thinking about it for a moment, though, he couldn't see the harm in trying.
"That...sounds nice, Spock. Would it work for someone psi-null like myself?"
"Affirmative. If you would like to join me, I was planning to meditate after our game."
"Sure. Should I go get something to sit on?"
"I have a spare rug if you do not mind using it. You may want to change into more confortable clothing, however." Jim had forgotten he was still in uniform, and he blushed lightly as he nodded.
"Of course, I'll be right back." He entered his room through their shared bathroom and made quick work of changing into his favorite sweatpants and a worn Starfleet tee. After a moment of consideration, he removed his socks as well and padded softly back into Spock's room. While he was changing, Spock had retrieved his extra meditation mat and laid it on the floor in front of his own. The incense that was always on his bedside table was lit and a sweetly spicy scent, reminiscent of cinnamon, filled the air. The lights had been dimmed as well, and a few small meditation candles had been lit and placed on the floor on one side of the paired mats. Something small shook loose in Jim's chest as he breathed in the calm and settled himself onto the spare mat. Spock was already sitting across from him, and their eyes met, unguarded for the first time. Jim realized that aside from his blunder a few weeks previous he had never seen Spock meditate, nor had he seen him directly afterwards, and suddenly the situation seemed so much more intimate it took all of Jim's control not to run. He breathed deeply, however, and met Spock's dark brown eyes with his own hazel ones. Spock seemed to sense his mild nervousness and simply sat up straighter, cross-legged on his mat, and closed his eyes, breathing deeply. Jim mimicked him, attempting to match their breathing. He felt the immediate tension ebb out of him simply from the breathing exercise, and decided that he needed to try this years ago. Suddenly, he felt Spock's hands over his own, and he stiffened slightly before relaxing into the familiar touch.
"Do not be alarmed. I am going to attempt to lead you through a basic meditation exercise that is normally used by parents to teach young Vulcans how to meditate. Is this alright?" Without opening his eyes, Jim nodded. He then realized that he had no idea if Spock was looking at him.
"Yes, please continue." Jim tried to keep a pleading tone from his reassurance, but he wasn't sure if he succeeded. Either way, Spock grasped his hands more firmly and suddenly Jim could feel a presence that was definitely not his own in his mind. He felt calm, however, and he welcomed Spock's consciousness into his own almost without thinking. His mind didn't create a representation of Spock, he was just a calm warmth like sunlight through a window. There was a feeling of soft surprise from Spock before it faded back into contentment, and Jim felt himself smile in an almost detached way.
"Imagine you are in the place that you feel the most comfortable," Spock gently instructed him. Jim was surprised at how quickly the observation deck of the Enterprise leapt to mind, but it was indeed the place he found most comforting in times of distress and disquiet. He imagined it as he had seen it just the day before, and suddenly it came to life in his mind. Jim couldn't help the soft gasp thay escapes him, nor the minute tightening of his hands in Spock's. Spock simply stroked Jim's knuckles with his thumbs in encouragement.
"Now that you are there, attempt to list the things that are always in that place. Simple structures like furniture will do." Jim held the image of the observation deck in his mind and began counting benches. The muscles deep in his back relaxed and he gave a soft sigh of contentment. A feeling of strong but gentle pleasure flooded his senses for a moment, and he knew that Spock had felt his relaxation as well. He went down the large window in his mind, remembering the names of plants Sulu had taught him early in their mission, and his arms and legs relaxed. He went along the back wall and recalled the memories associated with the photographs on the wall, and he could feel a strong sense of calm coming from Spock, but also from himself. He was positive that he hadn't felt so centered in his life, and he tried to semd gratitude to Spock through the link in his mind. He got the distinct feeling that thanks were unnecessary, and he grinned. He felt Spock's presence begin to withdraw from his mind and, without thinking, he reached out to prevent him from leaving. A soft reassurance came from the retreating katra and he relaxed his mental grip, allowing both Spock and himself to rouse from the meditation. When his eyes opened and met Spock's, the dark eyes he normally found stunning were mesmerizing. Jim had to fight to look away, and when he did he felt a pang of something that he would have to inspect later. For now, he was content and exhausted.
"Spock, that was amazing. Thank you, my friend." Spock remained where he was, silent for a moment, before he stood in one fluid movement and motioned for Jim to do the same. When he was standing, Spock took Jim's hand once more and placed it on his own face, near his psi-points, so that Jim could feel the calm radiating off of him.
"I believe this exercise has been beneficial for the both of us, Jim. If you are amenable, I would wish to continue meditating together." Spock's eyes bored into Jim's, so open and communicative that Jim ached.
"I would like that." With those words, the moment broke quietly and Jim felt able to step back slightly, still basking in the warmth and calm that now filled and surrounded the both of them.
"I wish you a good night, Jim," Spock said, as Jim began to leave for his own room.
"Good night to you as well, Spock." After Jim left, Spock considered packing his spare mat away again, but just as quickly as he thought it he decided to leave it where it was. Instead, he simply extinguished his candles and incense, removed his robe to leave him in his sleeping pants, and climbed into bed. He knew that he would not be plagued by sleeplessness tonight. In the next room, Jim sat on his bed enjoying the feeling of contentment for just a few more moments before lying back. He was tired, but a good tired that he knew would let him sleep soundly for the rest of the night. Apart but together, Jim and Spock drifted off to sleep.
Over the next week, Jim and Spock continued to meditate together. As a result, they were both sleeping better than they had in months--years, even. They were also working as an even more seamless unit of a command team and the rest of the crew could feel the shift, however slight. It was almost as if they could read each other's thoughts before they were voiced. Spock could feel the beginnings of a bond from their shared meditation, and, though he wasn't sure what to make of it, he was pleased. Jim's visits to Spock became more frequent in the evening and less frequent during their downtime in the afternoon; this gave Spock the opportunity to contact his father and ask advice.
The evening before the mission on Eminiar VII, Jim arrived at Spock's quarters to find them deserted and the door to their shared bathroom open, the now-familiar scent of Vilcan incense beckoning him. He walked through to his own room to find Spock, already seated at the foot of his bed on his mat. Jim was surprised, and made to join Spock on the floor, but when he came closer he realized that he did not recognize the mat on the floor as the one he had been borrowing. Strange.
"Spock...?" Jim was glad that Spock seemed to understand the question he didn't have words for, but he became slightly suspicious at Spock's bright blush.
"Meditation mats are highly personal; a young Vulcan shares a parent's mat until seven years of age, at which time they are presented with their own mat made by one or both parents. During courtship it is also common to see a Vulcan presented with a meditation mat made by their intended. Because she was human and did not posses one of her own, my father gifted my mother with a meditation mat just prior to their bonding ceremony." Jim seemed to understand the significance of the gesture Spock was making, but Spock was relieved when he said a quiet word of thanks and came and sat on the mat in front of him as if nothing had changed when, in fact, everything had changed.
It was only after the diplomacy mission when the crew was able to see the true change in the dynamic of their Captain and First Officer. The atrocities on Eminiar VII had brought to light a new fierceness to Jim that they hadn't seen before, and after being beamed back aboard and cleared for duty by Bones, Jim seemed subdued for the remainder of Alpha shift. When Spock arrived from medbay after being cleared for duty some of Jim's tension was relieved, and yet he was quiet, almost pensive, and not in a good way. Everyone was relieved when Alpha shift ended and they could retire to their quarters or to the crew lounge where many preferred to spend their free time when they were not sleeping. Jim greeted the Beta crew and transferred the logs, but as soon as he was finished with the formalities he left in a rush, making a beeline for Spock's room. The door was unlocked as if Spock had been expecting him, and he stepped inside and felt himself crumple immediately once surrounded by the calming scents and familiar comforts of Spock's quarters. Before his knees gave out and landed him on the floor, Spock was there next to him with an arm around his waist to keep him upright. Spock led Jim to his bed, sitting them both down on the edge and allowing Jim to burrow into his robes for a minute before rising, indicating that Jim should stay as he left the room briefly. After a moment, Spock returned to Jim's side with a clean shirt and a pair of loose pants. Without speaking, Jim changed as Spock once again left the room. Jim could hear the tap running and then it shut off again, Spock returning with a damp washcloth and pressing it gently to Jim's forehead. The care with which Spock was treating him was slightly overwhelming, but it was welcome. Jim could only guess that was why Spock continued to calmly care for him when he began to cry, silently at first but quickly devolving into heavy sobs. He was soothed by Spock's presence, however, and when he was more composed he continued to lean into his friend as he began to speak.
"Kodos. He reminded me of Kodos. I know that he had nothing to do with eugenics, but they were both killers motivated by fear. So many unnecessary deaths over the years. I guess I just lost perspective, and I went back to Tarsus IV. I was...so scared, Spock. So scared." Spock shushed him gently when he heard his voice beginning to shake, and Jim leaned further into Spock until Spock himself moved to sit up against his headboard and motioned for Jim to follow. Jim curled himself against Spock's chest and allowed himself time to grieve and be comforted like he hadn't been as a teenager after Tarsus IV.
"Jim, ashayam, I wish with all of my being that none of these tragedies had happened to you. S'ti th'laktra."
"Lesek" came a quiet voice from his chest, and Spock looked down in quiet surprise. He only held Jim tighter, however, and was gratified when Jim's breathing evened out into that of rest. Spock was loathe to wake his sleeping friend, so he settled into a comfortable position where he was sitting and meditated for a short while. He was totally unperturbed by Jim's weight against him--in fact, it worked to ground him until he roused once again. Soon after he completed his meditation, Spock fell asleep to the beating of Jim's heart and his soft breathing.
Early the next morning, Spock awoke. He did not remember dreaming, but he felt refreshed despite his odd, seated position. It only took a moment for him to ascertain the cause if either, however, as Jim snored quietly on his chest. Spock winced slightly as he saw the bend of Jim's spine; he would be sore when he woke. Just as the thought crossed Spock's mind, Jim stirred. Spock watched as Jim's eyes sleepily blinked open, a flash of protectiveness surprising him. Then those eyes were trained on him, without an ounce of confusion or fear. Jim turned his face into Spock's robe to snuffle and scent him, still tired but totally unashamed. When Jim's gaze returned to his own, Spock suddenly realized that he had not been utilizing his mental blocks and that Jim could likely read his face even easier. He found that he didn't mind, and the thought left as soon as it had come.
"Good morning, Jim." Spock kept his eyes trained on Jim's hazel ones, both totally unguarded.
"G'mornin' Spock. Sleep well?"
"Very. And you?"
"Same here." Spock gathered his courage and lifted his hand, gently placing it on the side of Jim's face and tracing the cheekbone with his thumb. Jim looked into his eyes, trusting and open, and Spock was lost.
Soon, Jim leaned up enough to balance himself, not leaving his place across Spock's lap, and stretched. He winced as his back pulled and chuckled a little bit as he shook his head.
"I need to stop falling asleep sitting up." Spock frowned at Jim and gently pushed him forward and turned him so that Spock had access to his neck and back. He began kneading the knots out of Jim's spine and Jim let out a soft groan and closed his eyes as his muscles loosened.
"Is this alright, Jim?" came Spock's disembodied voice from just behind him.
"mm-hm," hummed Jim, leaning further into Spock's hands. Spock worked on Jim's back until he felt almost back to normal, relaxed and malleable in Spock's hands. He heard Spock shift and suddenly they were pressed together chest-to-back, Spock's hands no longer moving but still resting near his waist. Jim leaned back to rest against Spock's chest, enjoying the warmth and the soothing emotions radiating from the other man. A slightly pointed chin came to rest on his shoulder and Jim let his hand float up to rest next to it, his eyes drifting open.
Spock sighed as he felt Jim's calm and reassuring emotions, and leaned more of his weight into Jim, carefully wrapping his arms around the shorter man. Jim tilted his head towards Spock's, though he knew he would be unable to see him. He really did want to see him, though, so he carefully turned in Spock's arms so as to not dislodge them from around him and leaned back to look Spock in the eye. His hands moved without him asking them to and came to rest curled lightly around Spock's upper arms. He was suddenly very conscious of his heartbeat, thumping heavily in his ribcage. A short thrill of giddy excitement ran through him as Spock's forehead came to rest against his own. Deep brown eyes peered into his own and he felt safe and warm and like he was where he belonged.
"I am not sure how best to express my emotions to you in words; one of the disadvantages of my Vulcan upbringing. However, I wish for you to know how…cherished you are. You are more precious to me than all things, James Kirk." As he spoke, Spock's brow furrowed slightly in uncertainty. On an impulse, Jim lifted himself up onto his knees and pressed a soft kiss to the crease that had appeared. The air was thick with emotion and it was almost hard to breathe, but it was invigorating. He lowered himself back down slowly, locking eyes with Spock and trying to project feelings of love and acceptance through his hands on Spock's arms. Either it worked or Spock could read the emotions on his face, because the taller man's eyelids drooped a bit and he looked more relaxed than Jim had ever seen him. His eyes widened again, just a bit, and he blushed green, causing Jim to chuckle a bit.
"May I kiss you, Jim?" Jim's blush rose to rival Spock's, and he nodded so eagerly that he almost headbutted Spock in the nose. They both chuckled and the mild tension broke, leaving them both smiling and safe in each other's presence. Spock leaned forward and pressed a chaste kiss to Jim's chapped lips, and they both felt a calming wave run through them. They stood there for a few moments just breathing in sync, their eyes closed but acutely aware of the other's presence.
"T'hy'la," Spock breathed, opening his eyes. Jim was looking at him with an almost fiercely loving gaze, and Spock smiled. Jim was shocked into smiling himself, soaking in the sight of Spock looking positively giddy.
"T'hy'la," Jim echoed. "What does it mean?" Spock pulled him closer, pressing his lips to Jim's forehead before answering.
"It means that we are everything, ashayam. T'hy'la can mean any combination of the words friends, brothers, and lovers. In its entirety, it is a type of unbreakable bond that has not been seen on Vulcan in centuries."
"And we are t'hy'la?" asked Jim, not really a question. Spock could already feel Jim exploring their bond now that he was aware of it, his innate curiosity driving him to learn as much as he could about their connection. Spock projected contentment and peace to Jim through the bond and heard him sigh softly.
"Yes, Jim. Ashayam. T'hy'la." Spock held Jim tightly as he felt joy and love from Jim's side of the bond. They would be just fine.