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Day 1
“Really?” Kakashi asked, his throat feeling dry as he forced the word up from the pit forming in his stomach.
“Really.” Tenzo confirmed a solemn look gracing his usually tranquil face. He looked all the more ominous with his back to the sun, the shadows clouding his eyes.
There was a heavy silence as Kakashi digested the new information. He sipped at his tea absently, the steam tickling his nostrils as a chill breeze ran through the courtyard.
Tenzo himself was lost for words, he chewed his bottom lip softly while he waited for the standard ‘Kakashi’ reaction. The one he was expecting.
His assigned mission was long and they had only just rekindled their romance. There was sure to be protest to his departure.
The silence continued as a women twice their age leant between them to refill their tea. Tenzo thanked her quietly as Kakashi was still yet to speak.
“You have no choice.” The older man said finally, ignoring the kinda-hearted smile from the waitress. Tenzo nodded, shrugging slightly as Kakashi’s uncovered eye gazed at him sadly. He wouldn’t show it, but that reaction had surprised him. If he was being honest he was expecting a more dramatic outburst.
“Like I said… About 4 months if all goes well.” Tenzo continued. “But Tsunade has informed me there’s a possibility it could be 6.” He sighed. “If I make it back at all.” He joked, his attempt to lighten the mood making Kakashi frown.
“That’s not funny.” He said flatly, suddenly very interested in his own feet.
“I know it’s not.” Tenzo assured, leaning forwards and resting his palm on top of the other man’s. “I just don’t know what else to say, this is terrible timing.”
Kakashi stayed silent, not feeling the need to confirm what had been said. This was their third time trying to make a relationship work. The first was the longest, a solid 4 years between the ages of 20 and 24. The second was only 6 months; that was the year before last. But this time was supposed to be different. Third time’s the charm. They were older now and both seemed to accept each other and their quirks no matter how off putting. They had agreed to make it work at all costs. Failure was not an option in this last ditch effort to prove that they were soulmates and there was a reason they kept finding their way back to one another.
“Did you tell me here… Because you thought I would yell?” Kakashi asked finally gesturing around him as a sly smile began to play on his lips. Tenzo stared for a second before nodding his head slowly. Kakashi rolled his eye, looking away again as he shook his head. “I promised I would be different this time.” He stated simply, taking a deep breath. “Besides, who am I to make a fuss over your duty to the village? This isn’t about me and what I want. It’s about Konoha.” He finished, pursing his lips behind the mask as he forced himself to make eye contact once more.
Tenzo was taken aback, unsure how to respond. Kakashi was a very logical person and his duty to the village was absolute. However in the past he had been known to take it personally when they were forced apart. The distance almost killing their relationship.
“Thank you for understanding.” The brunette said finally. It didn’t matter if Kakashi understood or not. He was going to be forced to when he left the next day. But the fact that he had taken the effort to make sure their last day together was not filled with shouting made Tenzo’s heart sing. Perhaps this time it was real.
He smiled to himself as the pink petals from the cherry blossoms fell around them. Perhaps this really would be the last time they ever had to decide to give it another go.
Day 5
Guy smiled uncomfortably, unsure how to keep the conversation going any longer. Usually his blatant enthusiasm was enough to brighten any situation, but this seemed to be different and it made him feel awkward.
“We could have a competition to see who can catch the biggest fish?” He asked, rubbing his thumb and forefinger over his chin as he wracked his brain for new suggestions.
Kakashi rolled his eyes, seemingly sinking deeper in to the mattress he was lying on.
“No competitions. No challenges. No friendly sparring.” He growled, his head descending underneath the covers. “I’ve told you I don’t want to do any of it. Just leave me be.”
“I’m trying to distract you rival.” Guy stated, uncharacteristically soft. “You have found yourself alone once more and I intend to help you through it.”
“I don’t need your help Guy.” Kakashi stated firmly, sitting up and facing the other man for the first time since he had started his daily visits “Tenzo will be back. I am fine.” He assured, hoping the other man didn’t call him on his red nose or the dark circles under his eyes. “Truly. I’m fine.” He reiterated, cutting the other man off before he could speak.
It had only been 4 days since his lover had left. Usually an occurrence like this would not faze him all that much. He had spent many a night alone in his life and plenty of those were during his past relationships with Tenzo. However this was the first time Kakashi had spent time alone since they had moved in with one another. The unfamiliar apartment did little to aid his sense of calm and comfort. He didn’t feel welcome inside these walls and the only thing that had made it okay was living here with his soulmate. It was going to be an uncomfortable four months.
“I just don’t want you to withdraw further away from your friends.” Guy explained, inching closer to his rival. “You’ve been so sociable these law few months, I’ve seen you more than ever. Tenzo will be gone for a long time and I would never forgive myself if you spent that time miserable.” He finished, surprising the other man with his serious tone and candour.
“I won’t withdraw in to myself.” Kakashi lied, making eye contact to assist his deception.
Guy nodded slowly, his eyes narrowing as he silently vowed to try and be there for his friend, even if his friend would not come to him.
Day 46
It had been about a month since he’d seen Guy. A month since Kurenai had dropped by with some sort of sympathy dinner. A month since Asuma had randomly shown up with Sake and demanded a night of drinking and about a week since Kakashi had noticed they’d stopped caring.
He didn’t blame them for it. It was hard to be around someone that was constantly miserable. Someone that didn’t really ever try to keep up his end of the conversation. Or someone that despite false promises, had withdrawn in to himself further than before.
Tenzo would say he was being silly. That he should enjoy his young life while he had it. In fact he had endured that fight once before, about 3 years earlier.
The ANBU had been killing him and Tenzo had insisted he resign. He was not the only friend worried for his sanity. Guy had been advocating his resignation for years. But Kakashi stood strong. His duty to the village outweighed his own happiness. He was willing to let his own sanity decline to protect his comrades.
A snort of derision left thin lips as a wine glass was placed on to a side table. Shaky hands moving delicately back in to his lap as he remembered that day. He had hated Tenzo that day, more than he hated the ANBU. But he had stuck it out. Being miserable in a relationship was surely better than the alternative of being alone. Besides, he was only miserable when they fought, which was not often considering how little time they had to spend alone between his missions.
He had stuck it out so long in fact that Tenzo had begun to hate him back and Kakashi wasn’t sure he could ever fully forgive the other man for ending things and breaking his heart. He had tried, taking him back the year before last when he had drunkenly slurred that he wanted him; needed him. It was only after they had lost one another that they realised just how closely linked the emotions of love and hate were.
Teeth raked slowly over his bottom lip as he thought back to the sad day that marked the end of their second coupling. It had taken all of his might to end it, to break the emergency glass and throw Tenzo a lifeline. Because the other man was drowning. He had jumped in to the rapids of their romance fully clothed and was being dragged deeper and deeper, slowly suffocating as Kakashi’s needy hands wrapped around his neck.
He had done what was best for both of them. What needed to be done to make the one he loved happy, regardless of how it made himself feel.
He supposed this was why his friends had stopped coming around much quicker than they had last time. They knew he was a self-sabotaging idiot and they wouldn’t have any part of it. Tenzo would be back in no time and he was stumbling through this misery for no reason.
He shook his head, blinking his eyes a few times to try and rid them of the drunken fog hanging over his mind. He was rambling now, wallowing in self-pity and barely stringing thoughts together. It was time for bed.
Day 63
The half way point was the hardest. Kakashi mused as he pushed his food around his plate. His appetite had returned briefly, but had abruptly gone back in to hiding after it had seen the mess he called dinner.
Knowing that every long day he had endured so far was to be lived again as he slowly counted down until his lovers return. It was harder than he had imagined.
Although he had been kept busy with missions, he found that they dragged on more than usual. His days off were the worst though. Unlimited time to think and hope. His hobbies put on hold so he could stare absently out the window, his gut knowing deep down that there was still another 2 months to go; perhaps more. But that didn’t stop his heart from racing every time a brunette male rounded the corner on to his street.
He was feeling lighter lately. Spending less time under the covers and more time outdoors, if only to read. He had even gone so far as to seek Guy out and ask him for a challenge. Anything to take his healing mind off the dull thud of pain.
He felt as he did the previous times they had ended their relationship. His phase of unbearable grief had ended. He had made his way through the seven stages and landed himself on acceptance. He found that he had to keep reminding himself that they did not break up this time. That Tenzo was coming back and he would see him again soon.
Provided the other man had not found someone else to love on his travels.
Life was okay at the moment. He could deal with the way he felt now for another 60 days.
Day 180
Kakashi was confused at first, why his friends had started coming around again. It was strange of them to give up their comforting behaviour for five whole months, only to begin again out of the blue.
Of course he was aware that Tenzo was due back over two months ago. But that didn’t bother him as much as they seemed to think it did. He had been warned that if things didn’t go well, the mission could extend to 6 months.
So when Kurenai dropped around with a badly made quiche and a compassionate smile he waved her off with a smile of his own.
Tenzo would be back.
He assure Guy as they fought for the title of largest fish.
He really would
He told Asuma through a Sake induced haze.
Tenzo would be back soon.
He told himself through his own sense of renewed grief, the denial keeping him strong.
He will be back
Day 365
One year to the day since he had left. The wind rustled through the trees, pink petals falling around him as he lifted his tea to his lips. The same aroma from all that time ago played on his nostrils. The same woman served him, smiling sympathetically as she refilled his tea. The same chill was in the air of the courtyard. Except this time, the seat across from him was empty. The conversation was non-existent and instead of anticipation, his heart was filled with the knowledge that according to everyone else, all hope was lost.
Kakashi closed his hand tightly around the small weight he held. Silver disappearing in to flesh for a second before he opened his hand again to stare at his trinket. He ran his thumb over the name; Tenzo’s real name, engraved in to the pendant as the chain hung loosely from his palm, swaying in the breeze.
By all accounts, the dog tag meant that it was over. That this time, there would be no rekindling of their love. It really had been the last time, just as Tenzo had hoped.
He clenched his fist tightly, snapping his eyes shut as tears pricked at them. He inhaled, controlling his breath as he expelled it evenly.
The fight that Tenzo had brought him here to avoid one year earlier was fresh in his mind. He wished with his entire being that he had protested as Tenzo thought he would. Offered to have himself assigned to the same mission. They could have gone together. Perhaps then, even if their romance had not worked out for a third time. He would not have had to say goodbye for the last. He would give anything in the world to fight with his soulmate one last time.
He opened his eyes abruptly his fingers running nervously along the edge of the table as he forced himself to keep thinking as positively as he had been in the 6 months since he received the necklace.
He refused to cry for someone that was not lost.
Kakashi had promised himself he would not let his comrade’s die. He would not choose to believe that he had broken that promise when the only proof was a silver chain with a name engraved on it. A body was ever found.
He would not let Tenzo die. Not physically and not in his heart.
Tenzo was alive and he would be back.