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During training, there had been rumors that Eren was asexual. "Titan-Killing-Sexual," someone had joked (probably Connie or Jean, they had never been that clever). Hell, Eren had thought for a while that they might be right. Sure, he could get hard, he jerked off, but never with anybody specific in mind. It was just something his body did, and he had to take care of his body now in order to kill the titans later. Sexual attraction just didn't feature in his thoughts.
In retrospect, he should've realized that fighting prowess might be the deciding factor in making his sexuality known. Seeing Levi fight...that was the first time Eren had ever been aroused by another person. Although he was cold, and harsh, and rough around the edges, Eren fell, and fell hard.
He didn't realize it at first-he just thought he admired Levi, because Levi was admirable. But then when he was complaining to Armin about how Jean had made some snide comment about his "crush" on Levi, Armin just looked at him skeptically and made some vague answer about how "Well, you could see why Jean make think that..." that Eren didn't listen to completely because he stormed off in a huff.
So Eren thought about it. He considered the fact that Erwin was also an admirable man. But the thought of Erwin didn't make his pants feel tighter when he thought about him fighting. The thought of seeing Erwin stomping around the Scouting Legion's headquarters brandishing a mop and feather duster wasn't the most simultaneously adorable and weirdly sexy thing he'd ever seen. Erwin giving him orders didn't make him hot and flustered. No, this went beyond simple harmless admiration.
But Eren wasn't good at dealing with feelings, so he told himself all the reasons it didn't work.
Levi was older than he was (but only by about 10 years, according to the latest rumors, and when the lifespan of a scout was so short, why care about little things like age?)
Levi was likely uninterested in him (but then why would Levi take responsibility for him? Train him? Let him join the elite Levi squad?)
Levi was too short (but if he were being honest, he found Levi's height extremely endearing).
Levi was more experienced; even if Levi did return his feelings, he'd have no idea what to do (but wasn't that the point? Several of his fantasies involved Levi "teaching" him rather sexual things).
Levi could die soon (but then again, couldn't he? And if Levi died, what point would there be to living anyway?)
The list went on and on, but no matter how much he rationalized why he shouldn't indulge his feelings for his superior, a treacherous part of his brain caught on to every time Levi clapped him on the arm, every time Levi called him "Eren" instead of "brat", every time Levi smiled in his general direction. And even though he knew it was hopeless, knew it was foolish, he couldn't contain a tiny, treacherous bit of hope that maybe it would work out.
He took to watching Levi, figuring that even if he could never be with him, he could at least admire him. He eagerly took in the way Levi walked and the constant tension in his body, the minor inflections of his mostly toneless voice, he quirks of his face that showed his emotions. He became an expert in all things Levi, and it at once satisfied him and left him with a deeper yearning to touch the places where Levi held his stiffness, to hear his voice reflect happiness or arousal, or to see him smile. Eren's favorite quirk of Levi's was the twitch of the muscles of the left side of his mouth that indicated satisfaction, since he never seemed to fully smile. And for a while, his feelings seemed manageable.
After Levi stood up for him after his squad looked about ready to kill him, he ran away, hiding in his dungeon room because if he talked to Levi, he was sure all his feelings would come spilling out. For the next few days he avoided Levi, speaking to him only in short sentences, ducking out to use the toilet when Levi entered a room, even listening to Hanji for hours on end to take his mind off of Levi.
And he thought that this avoidance thing was working, until Levi cornered him in the kitchen one morning and, obviously uncomfortable, asked if Eren was sick or something. Eren had turned bright red, squeaked out that nohewastotallyfinereally, and run out to join the rest of the squad for breakfast. Levi had refused to join them for breakfast that day, walking by with a cup of tea and a piercing stare aimed at Eren before heading off in the direction of the Commander's offices. After Levi left, Aruro had made some snide comment about hopeless children's crushes, which caused Eren's already red face to flare up in anger rather than embarrassment. Petra smacked Aruro as Gunter told him to chin up, these things pass. Erd added that all the new recruits have crushes on either Levi or Erwin, but they all pass eventually. Gunter had started to say something to clarify, but was only able to get out the words "Levi and the Commander" before Erd elbowed him meaningfully. Petra had just nodded sympathetically, looking slightly pained.
Eren had looked around at all their faces, finding pity on all of them, and ran out to the woods behind headquarters, finding a secluded crook halfway up a tree, where he sat and cried silent, angry tears. He didn't want to think that his feelings were just like the silliness he had witnessed while training, where Jean had pined hopelessly after Mikasa, all the boys (and Ymir) stared at Christa, and Sasha and Connie had started bickering in a way that Reiner assured him meant they liked each other. He and Levi were nothing like that, and although he knew nothing would come of it, the implication that he was just like every other recruit who thought Levi's skills were impressive hurt.
He came back to headquarters when Levi called for him. They didn't say a word to each other on the walk back.
After that, he starting noticing how Levi behaved when Commander Erwin was around. Levi was as brusque as always, but where others recoiled, the Commander laughed. When Erwin was there, the minute tensions in Levi's shoulders that always seemed to be there unwound and he seemed to hold himself in Erwin's orbit, subconsciously staying close to his superior. When talking strategy with Erwin, the determination in Levi's eyes honed itself into a sharp light like the glint of blade, and when Erwin, however rarely, joined Levi's squad for meals, Levi was minutely warmer and more engaged with everyone. All of this would only be noticed by someone who watched Levi almost constantly and noticed tiny details and variations (Eren had never been one for observing details, and he wondered when he had started). Everything he's seen in Levi's behavior could be written off as the behavior of a soldier around a trusted superior or an old friend and nothing more but for one thing.
When Erwin was around, Levi smiled. And every time Levi smiled, Eren broke a little more inside to know that someone knew how to make Levi smile and it wasn't him.
Then there was his first expedition: the female titan, the death of his (Levi's) squad, and his own traumatizing experience. He woke up to bad news and empty tables in headquarters. Everyone seemed weighted down at being one of the survivors (except Erwin, who was stoic as ever, reassuring the corps that he had everything under control), and it was worse for Eren and his cohort, who were especially young and new to the realities of the world outside the walls. Eren thought of how he couldn't save his squad and broke a little inside. He thought about how, if Levi had been there, he couldn't have saved him either and broke a bit more. When he dared to think about how Levi had left him and the rest of his squad, he collapsed. And when he saw Levi look longingly to Erwin, perhaps for strength, perhaps for comfort, and be ignored by the man who was trying to hold the whole corps together, he fell apart. Although he knew that he could never be what he wanted to be to Levi, he could at least be comfort, and even if he were only a substitute, he would be content.
So when he found Levi drinking tea and staring at nothing while sitting at the table where their squad used to eat, he walked over to stand directly in front of Levi, drew himself up straight and...failed to say anything. He didn't seem to know what to say and even if he did his mouth had ceased to work, so he stood there awkwardly as Levi looked at him blankly. Seeing the man he looked up to, admired, even loved look so haggard and worn down prompted a pain in his chest and he started speaking without thinking, "Heicho...Levi. I know I couldn't save Erd and Aruro and Gunter and Petra" (and here his voice broke a little as he saw a flash of pain in Levi's eyes) "but I wish you'd let me try to save you from your sadness, just for a little while. Because...I...kindamightloveyou." He may have stuttered a little, but the feeling of his long-suppressed emotions rushing out was cathartic and he felt a wave of relief for a split second before he realized what he'd done and panicked, wringing his hands and looking at his feet, bracing for a blow because physically girding himself was the way he instinctively reacted. After a few moments of silence, he looked up and saw Levi looking shocked and utterly lost, an expression that was not included in Eren's dictionary of Levi's expression. He watched as Levi opened his mouth as if to speak, then closed it. And did so again. And then began to raise his right hand, before freezing and letting it flutter back to the table. He seemed at a loss, and Eren felt like he had broken something even though there was nothing between them in the first place, so he spun around and ran back to his room.
And even though he knew anyone could find him there, he sad on his bed, drawing his legs to his chest and wondered at why he only felt shocked rather than sad. Levi's reaction could not have possibly been a good one, but he couldn't seem to feel anything about it, so he took his fingers and dug his nails into his arms, adding more pressure until he felt the skin break. He released his arms found a fresh patch of skin and did the same thing, rocking quietly back and forth as the pain wrung tears from his eyes. When his arms were gently bleeding he moved onto his legs, drawing his nails in long shallow gashes along his calves and thighs as he cried for Levi, who was now bearing not only the death of his squad but the knowledge that humanity's secret weapon was hopelessly (emphasis on hopeless) in love with him. He cried for Erd and Gunter and Aruro and Petra, who he'd been angry with for being right about his crush on Levi, and for being wrong about it passing. And he cried for himself as the emotions that he had been holding-yearning and anger and despair and desire and loneliness and sadness-seemed to seep out through the multitude of tiny wounds. Absently he noted that apparently these kind of injuries didn't trigger his titan transformation, although he knew that at that point he selfishly didn't care. He cried until his grip loosed and he collapsed onto his bed, breath coming out in gasps because he had run out of tears.
And then he slept deeply, but fitfully, staining the sheets with tiny amounts of blood as he dreamed in images of Levi's smile (the one he smiled for Erwin) juxtaposed with his mouth opening and closing uselessly after Eren's confession. He woke up confused as to why he was hurting from so many tiny wounds before remembering the events of the day before. But he couldn't bring himself to feel as dismayed as he had before, idly thinking that perhaps he had lost all his sharper emotions through his blood and tears and all that was left was the duller sensations of unhappiness that he was wrapped in.
Mechanically, he dragged himself out through the halls, checking briefly around each new turn to make sure he didn't run into Levi. He grabbed some food, barely noting the taste, texture, or identity of whatever had been in the kitchen, and decided that he should go to Hanji for advice on what to do with his self-inflicted cuts and scrapes. Normally Hanji would be bad advice for self-care, but she hurt herself often in her experiments and besides, all of the members of the Scouting Legion with medical training already had their hands full from the last expedition, mainly treating people for injuries caused by shock. He was navigating his way down to Hanji's labs, a route that he typically did not take, when he heard Levi's voice and froze before realizing it came from behind a door. A quick glance revealed that the room was the office of Commander Erwin.
"Erwin, I think the boy confessed to me. He came and stood there frozen like an idiot, then said that he wanted to help save me from my sadness because he loved me." Levi's voice was not cruel, but neither was it kind. He simply sounded confused and slightly distressed. It reminded Eren of the girls back in training who would gossip with each other about the boys who liked them and how to tell them that no, they weren't interested. He felt his calm facade slipping and started to walk faster, trying to stay quiet, when he heard another noise from inside the room.
Laughter. Although he had never heard it before, Eren knew that it was Commander Erwin, laughing at the prospect of the little titan boy confessing his love for humanity's finest soldier, and Eren picked up his pace until he was almost running to get away from that laughter, the laughter of the man who was to Levi was Eren wished he could be. The man who could make Levi smile, could make Levi relax, and Levi wanted Erwin and Erwin was laughing at Eren and Eren's defenses were slipping and he paced down the corridor, forgetting about finding Hanji, just turning right or left or any which way at every corner until he was really and truly lost, and upon realizing his position, he leaned against a wall and sank to the floor, sobbing silently.
Jean found him like that, outside the rooms of the soldiers from his and Eren's training group. And although his instinct was to made a snide comment, the way Eren looked like a child or a wild animal, eyes vacant and shoulders heaving, made him stop and fetch Armin instead. Eren found himself being lifted up by a pair of strong, calloused hands (Jean's, although he was too far gone to realize it) and led into a small room with two cots. He was placed on one of them as he struggled to control his shuddering sobs. Jean quietly left the room as Armin fetched a damp cloth to dab at some of Eren's wounds, which had started bleeding again. Once he finished tending to them, he returned to sit on the cot, pressing himself against Eren's side and putting his arms around the other boy, holding him as he shook.
"Eren, what's wrong?" He asked, not really expecting an answer. But he received broken phrases: "Erwin laughed," "Petra knew, she felt the same way," "They were wrong, but they're dead," "I told him," among others. Although Armin couldn't really put together what his friend was saying, he nodded and kept one arm around Eren while using the other to run his back soothingly. Eventually Eren stopped shaking and his breathing became more regular. Armin didn't ask if he was ok and Eren was thankful, because the answer was obvious. They sat in silence for a while as Eren leaned helplessly into Armin, appreciating his solidness and warmth and the physical contact that he craved from someone else.
Eventually they shifted so Eren was laying down with his head in Armin's lap. Eren had no idea how much time had passed, but felt slightly guilty at making his friend comfort him for so long, although Armin's face betrayed no emotions but concern and affection for his childhood best friend. Eventually Eren managed to say, weakly, "Armin, I'm in love with Levi and it hurts." And Armin just quietly said "I know" and kept stroking his hair, and as they both dozed off Eren still felt like he was falling apart, but for the moment Armin was holding him together so for the moment, he would survive.