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Sachiko always prided herself for being independent, and stubborn. Growing up, she had a sharp tongue. She was never shy about speaking her mind.
Though her plum face, and walnut hair made her seem plain, her grace gained the respect of those around her, and allowed her to do anything she wanted. So long as she was in control, there was nothing she couldn't do.
When Shigeo was born, everyone praised her for giving birth to a healthy boy. Her 10-hours of labor were never mentioned, nonetheless, she was content. She was confident was doing everything right.
Or so she wanted to believe.
“I don’t know why you’re complaining about this, Sachi. Last I remembered, a quiet baby was considered a blessing. Then again knowing you, you’ve always managed to find something to criticize,” her mother’s voice huffed through the telephone. “I was dumb to think you would’ve spared your own son.”
Sachiko paced the living room and uttered a silent prayer as she fought the urge to hang up.
“Why'd I even call you? Remind me again yeah? I know I didn’t do it just to hear you be ugly.” She sniped.
“There you go again, getting all upset for some thing I said. You better not be holding him while we’re talking. Because mm--, keep being mean and he’ll definitely have something to cry about later.” Her mother cackled softly. Sachiko cringed.
“You’re really going to laugh at me? I called you to help me mom and this is how you do it?” She hissed into the phone. As always with her mother, she turned her problems into a jokes. To have called her was a mistake. Yet, here she was. It didn’t help when she felt Shigeo squirm against her stomach; his tiny feet kicking softly against her ribs.
“My dear I’m sorry for saying this, but it’s a little difficult to help you when there’s no problem. If he isn’t hungry, hurt, or hasn’t dirtied the pamper, then he’s fine. Why can’t you be happy for a baby that doesn’t scream in your ears 24/7? Why must you always look for something wrong, Sachiko?”
“You’re not listening to me, mom! It doesn’t feel right!” Sachiko shrilled. She heard her son muffle out a small grunt as his head brushed against her breast. “See? Now he’s going to wake up, and stare at me like he always does. He won't cry or do anything except stare and it doesn’t feel right!” Sachiko cursed herself as she held back from crying. She felt like a child.
“Something doesn't feel right, mom. I don't feel right. I’m scared, and frustrated, and I can't take it. It feels like I'm doing something wrong but I don't know what. I’ve been doing everything you've said; I feed him, I’m with him. I do everything, and it still feels like I’m not doing enough! The doctor says there's nothing wrong, but I don’t—I can't do this….” Sachiko laughed as she held Shigeo firmly in her arms.
“But I bet that's funny to you, isn't it? My baby doesn’t cry, and that somehow makes me feel like a bad mother. I can't...I'm so stupid....”
The line was silent. Sachiko huffed pitfully in between breaths. She was sure her mother would laugh when she finally spoke.
“You’re not stupid, Sachiko. You’re a mother.” She said. “The only difference is that you make it obvious that you’re a new mother, and therefore wear your stress on your face.”
Shigeo continued to grunt and squirm until Sachiko pulled him away to look at him. Her worn brown eyes met with his bright new ones. He stared at her innocently as his head sunk from its weight.
“My silly girl; you’re so proud you've always needed to prove confidence in what you do, I know, but this is motherhood, and it isn't easy. You see you’re lucky that stress is what’s keeping you ready. Because think Sachi, if you’ve been doing everything like you said, then why would Shigeo-kun cry in the first place? You’re meeting all of his needs.”
“But aren’t babies supposed to cry anyway? Everyone says that's what normal babies do.” Sachiko huffed.
“Who says? Or what, did you want that kind of baby? One that screams in your ears and never lets you sleep? That was defintely you, I can remember that. Maybe Eisuke was kinder to his mother after all. He's a lot quieter than you I'll say.”
“So he’s his father then, that's probably for the best....” Sachiko sighed as she watched Shigeo playfully kick the air below him.
“Nonsense, he helped but you were the one who birthed him. He’s you, that’s who he is.” Her mother softened. “Maybe a quieter version of you…but he's strong I can tell, just like you. So be proud of yourself. You’ll be all right.”
Sachiko then pulled Shigeo back toward her, but not before she gave him one last look. She watched as his face pinched, before he burst into tiny laugh. He reached for her with his small chubby hands, and she never felt so happy, and scared. She kissed both of his soft cheeks before she rose back to her feet.
“Thanks mama…I hope so.”
“Now then, if you want to talk about the actual problems, you need to remember not to overfeed him. He’ll be chubby cheeked when he grows up, so you must be careful. Also, if you’re still this sensitive after four months, don't let that husband of yours touch you. Then you’ll have two babies that won’t cry and there'll be no end to it. Ah! Which reminds me. You want Shigeo-kun to cry so badly, Nakizumo is this Sunday. It wouldn't be a bad idea to come to the shrine and pray for his good health, you know.”
“Mama, I’d rather throw myself out of this apartment before I let fat, sweaty me touch my baby.”
“Always the dramatics with you, it was just a suggestion.”