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The dark days didn’t come round as often as they used to, as a teenager it always felt like a shadow was being cast over your body, a voice whispering in your ear telling you to spend another hour in bed, the feeling of being too full but empty at the same time; it was constant and exhausting. Medication and therapy soon came and you learnt how to say no to the voice, make yourself get out of bed and force some toast down your throat, things got better slowly but surely.
When you met Spencer, all those feelings went away. The world was slowly regaining its colour and it was more vibrant than you had remembered. Your days were filled with his sweet voice, poetry and classic literature became the soundtrack to your evenings along with his beautiful laughter. You couldn’t recall a time where you had felt more happy to be alive, there were so many things to do and you couldn’t wait to get started, each day had a purpose finally.
But mental illness doesn’t wait for a welcome mat, it arrives whenever it pleases even if it isn’t welcome. It’s always the unwanted party guest, coming in and ruining all the fun. You didn’t know how to explain to Spencer that you weren’t not happy, you just didn’t know how to not feel sad. It had been years since your depression had hit you this hard but now it was here you couldn’t remember what it was like to not have it swaddling you, so tightly you worried that your ribs would crack from all that sadness.
You liked your bedroom dark, the curtains closed and all the lights out. The less light there was the easier it was to convince yourself that you were aloud to still be in bed even if it was the middle of the afternoon, the less tempting it was to get up and leave the warmth. It had been three days, the only time you had gotten up was to use the bathroom but after that you crawled right back under the covers.
The worse part was that depression always brought a friend along, anxiety made your head spin with all the reasons you knew you should be doing something with your life, it spoon fed you all the reasons that Spencer would leave you because he didn’t sign up for dealing with all that emotional baggage and it certainly didn’t let you lay peacefully in bed and sleep away all your problems.
It couldn’t be solved with self care tips you found online, taking a bath or eating a piece of chocolate cake couldn’t stop your mind from convincing you that the world wasn’t worth living in. Cleaning your room, watching an Oscar nominated film, indulging in some roses, everything was pointless when nothing was exciting anymore. The world had resorted back to the similar shade of grey, it felt almost right to be back in that state of sadness, it felt like coming home.
A gentle knock on your door made your eyes flicker open, you glanced around the darkness in silence before the door slowly began to open. Light began to stream in and you closed your eyes, not yet ready for the brightness. The sound of cutlery against wood made your eyes open again just as Spencer put down a tray next to you. On it sat a bowl full of various fruits and yogurt, the little amount of food you had eaten the past few days had been all junk food so your appetite for healthier options wasn’t very high. You didn’t even have fruit in your apartment so Spencer must have stopped off at the grocery store first before coming over.
“Blueberries are high in antioxidants, Avocados are filled with various vitamins like vitamin B, C, E-12, Hemp seeds are rich with omega-3 fatty acids all of which can help in lowering your depression. The yogurt is just your favourite.” He explained with the same softness in his voice that you loved, you had been adamant in letting Spencer see you like this in case it changed his opinion on you but he had been very stern in telling you that he wanted to come and see you no matter what.
You didn’t have the heart nor the energy to argue that a few pieces of fruit wouldn’t cure your brain chemistry so you slowly sat up and rested your back against the headboard, letting Spencer move the tray onto your lap so he could take it’s place on your bed.
If it was up to you Spencer would have never found out that you had any sort of mental illness, it was only when he found the medication that the dots joined together. At first you were embarrassed, for months you had almost forgot about it, a few pills in the morning and you were on your day but now he knew you couldn’t stop focusing on acting normal. You knew what his job required so every laugh, word out of your lips, gesture with your hands was planned out to reassure him you were okay.
Spencer turned the lamp on your bedside table on and let the amber glow illuminate the room, with tired limbs you began to slowly eat. The sweetness of the blueberries burst in your mouth, reminding your taste buds what it felt like to have something not covered in fatty grease or sugar.
“You should be at work.” You mumbled with your mouth full, glancing over to Spencer as you felt his thumb reach up and wipe away the yogurt from the corner of your mouth. You felt pathetic, a grown adult unable to force herself out of bed to face the world just like every other person did and could. Instead you were curled up, using your covers as a shield and letting your boyfriend look after you, something you would have never usually done as you worked so hard to be independent. Mental illness as a lonesome thing and for a long time you had to deal with it on your own, letting someone in to see all the not so pretty stuff was terrifying.
“I took the day off.” You frowned at his words, taking a sip of the freshly squeezed orange juice that was on the tray before shaking your head.
“I don’t need you here to look after me, Spencer. Funnily enough, I’ve dealt with these issues my whole life and I’m fully capable of looking after myself.” Whether it was intentional or not your tone came off as angry, Spencer was only trying to be helpful but you didn’t want to be treated like a child. You were fully aware that your current habits weren’t healthy but you weren’t hurting anyone and eventually they would fade away for a while. It dawned on you that perhaps the reason you didn’t want anyone’s help was because you didn’t think you were deserving of it.
Spencer didn’t argue with you, he didn’t take your words to heart either because he understood that right now you were in a lot of pain, not physical pain but that didn’t mean it was any less painful. He’d seen the effects mental illness had on people, it was so much more complex than just feeling a little sad or a little anxious.
He sat beside you patiently as you finished eating, even scraping the spoon up the sides of the bowl to get the last pieces of Avocado. Once you were done he lifted the tray and placed it down on the floor.
“Is it okay if I lay here with you?” Spencer asked first instead of just crawling under the blanket beside you, if you wanted to be alone then he’d grant you that but he’d much prefer to be next to you. He watched as you pondered on his request for a few moments before nodding, moving over so he could climb in beside you.
Your bare legs brushed against Spencer’s, unshaven for weeks now but you didn’t have the energy to care. It had been a few days since you showered and even longer since you’d shaved your body, the lead up to when you felt the worst of your depression was just as exhausting, you weren’t in your bed hiding from your world but it was a lot of poor hygiene and lack of motivation to do anything.
“What did I do to deserve you?” You whispered into your pillow, looking across at Spencer who looked so ethereal, right now you were certain he couldn’t be real because the world just wouldn’t give you something this perfect. You were used to having to make something out of nothing but for once in your life, you had been gifted something good.
“When you love someone, you don’t let them suffer alone.” That was the first time Spencer had mentioned the word love in the context of your relationship, you’d only been dating for five months but it had been the most fulfilling five months of your whole life. They had reminded you exactly how much you loved life and cultivated some of your favourite memories, he hadn’t fixed all your issues but he had created a reminder as to why you had to keep fighting them.
You shuffled yourself closer to his body, nuzzling your face into the soft skin of his neck. He smelt so good and felt so warm that when his arms came around to wrap around your waist you felt completely at home in his grasp.
That sadness was still there, it was always going to be there in some form, waiting for the perfect time to strike but you were regaining the strength to not let it dictate your life. You wanted more nights with Spencer, there were too many poems left to be read and songs left to dance to, it was easier said than done and there would also be days like this where the easiest thing to do would be to hide but at least you didn’t have to fight alone.