Chapter Text
[FEBRUARY 2016]
The alcohol warmed his throat. It was familiar, pleasant and unpleasant, harsh, soothing, manipulative—
“Victor!”
Victor groans, leaning heavily against the bar, the light too bright. “What is it, Mila? What? What do you want?” He blinks at Mila, a blur of a shape in front of him.
Mila sighs. “It’s almost four in the morning. You have an interview tomorrow. Go home and sleep.”
Victor rolls his eyes, and finishes his beer. “I don’t have an interview.” He turns back to the bartender to order another one, but Mila is placing her hand on his shoulder and turning him around before he can.
“Yes, you do. I planned it. It’s in seven hours. Here,” Mila says, tugging at Victor, and Victor lets her pull him along as he waves goodbye to the bartender who isn’t looking back at him.
He’s shoved into a car, and Mila gets in beside him, and Victor can’t focus on anything at all. The car starts to move, and Victor leans his head against the window, appreciating the cold against his overheated skin.
“I wish you would stop doing this,” Mila says softly a minute later.
Victor doesn’t hear her.
He’d already fallen asleep.
[NOVEMBER 2010]
“Happy birthday, Yuuri,” Victor whispers against Yuuri’s neck. Yuuri shivers, and shoves him off, sitting up. Their bed is spacious, big, and both of them love it, love each other, love their home, love their life.
“Happy birthday, Victor,” he says back, smiling innocently at him.
Victor rolls his eyes. “Not my birthday.”
“Could be.”
“It’s not.”
“Well,” Yuuri sighs. “How do you know it’s mine?”
Victor rolls his eyes again. “Actually, you’re right. I take it back. Happy not birthday, Yuuri.”
Yuuri giggles despite himself. “Happy not birthday, Victor,” he whispers.
It’s early, the sun still sleeping and the moon still dancing, and Yuuri leans forward and kisses Victor.
“Happy birthday to me,” he says.
“Love you,” Victor says, smiling against his lips, and moving in even closer.
Yuuri lets him lean him back against the pillows. “Love you.”
[NOVEMBER 2014]
“I don’t need a date, Phichit. It’s my birthday, and if I don’t want a date then I don’t want a date. It’s my birthday.”
Phichit just smiles. “I’m pretty sure the entire world knows it’s your birthday, Yuuri.”
“If that’s so it’s because you probably had something to do with it,” Yuuri glares. He’s at home, and Phichit took it upon himself to drive him to the birthday party that’s being held for him. He also came earlier to give him his present “before anybody else could”. Phichit is waiting for him by the door, a large smile on his face, and Yuuri smiles back at him. “Thank you by the way.”
And he’s not just thanking him for coming to get him, Yuuri knows Phichit knows this. He’s thanking him for still being here. For being his best friend. For being his manager, his publicist, and his right-hand man.
“Of course, Yuuri,” he responds earnestly. “Always.” And Yuuri nods at that. He believes him. He believes him because so far, Phichit has never given him a reason to not.
“Happy birthday to me,” Yuuri mutters, and Phichit laughs again, hurrying him out the door.
(And when he arrives, the paparazzi flashes are blinding, and Yuuri lets himself believe that he’s okay.)
[FEBRUARY 2012]
“You recently got out of a four-year relationship, Yuuri—”
“Three years,” mutters Yuuri, who’s already feeling tense. The interviewer pays him no mind.
“How’s that been treating you?” he finishes. Yuuri purses his lips, briefly looking at the audience who have suddenly gotten very quiet. Yuuri doesn’t want to talk about this doesn’t want to talk about this he doesn’t want to talk about this.
“I’ll deal,” is what he finally says, and he knows the audience was hoping for something more, but Yuuri can’t do it.
“Well, it’s not like you’re too old. You’re only twenty-one. You have time,” the interviewer says. And Yuuri, for the briefest of moments thinks the interviewer will leave it at that, but then the man smiles even wider at the camera, and targets a wicked smile at Yuuri.
“Well, I heard that one Victor Nikiforov was found gallivanting at a club last night. Apparently, he left with a woman on his arm. Know anything about that?”
If it had been a man, it would have stung. It would have lodged itself deep into Yuuri’s chest, and Yuuri would try his hardest to reach and pull it out, but he would only push it in further. If it were a man, Yuuri doesn’t know how he would have reacted.
But it was a woman. It was a woman, and—
“Well, Victor’s gay, so,” Yuuri says, and well, if Victor didn’t already hate him, he sure as hell does now. That was always the catch when they were dating. They couldn’t be gay, but of course, they weren’t straight. The management always wanted to play them off as bisexual so they could be “available” to women as well. It was disgusting.
The audience may have gasped, and the interviewer lights up at the news. Yuuri is already imagining Phichit frantically calling Victor’s management and profusely apologizing. Yuuri feels guilty about his response, but he can’t change it now. It’s already out, and this is a live interview.
“He’s gay?”
Yuuri doesn’t want this much media attention on Victor. He shouldn’t have said anything at all, and so Yuuri says the first thing that just might loosen the attention on his ex.
“I mean, I am too,” says Yuuri before he can stop himself. Most of his major decisions occur without his own approval.
(It’s in the news for almost a full week, and neither Victor’s management nor his own is too happy with him. Yuuri feels guilty, but he also feels like he can fly.)
[MAY 2009]
“What do you want to watch?” Victor asks, lacing his fingers together with Yuuri’s. Yuuri smiles up at him, and Victor loves it when it’s like this. He loves it when Yuuri is sleepy and resting his head on Victor’s lap and Victor loves everything about this boy.
“Up to you,” Yuuri mumbles, tracing Victor’s outer thigh with his other hand.
Victor rolls his eyes. “Yuuri,” he pouts.
“Something romantic,” Yuuri eventually responds. Victor laughs, and Yuuri giggles in response, and they both squeeze the other’s hand.
“Yuuri,” Victor says, upon realizing a dilemma. “The remote is over there.”
Yuuri just peers up at him. “Shame,” he deadpans.
Victor scoffs. “You’ve captured me, I see.” Yuuri presses even closer to Victor at that, and Victor theatrically groans.
“You’re more than romantic enough,” Yuuri mumbles against his shirt, and Victor’s other hand immediately traces the ends of Yuuri’s hair.
“Says the one who stole my heart,” Victor says.
Yuuri blushes a deep red. “Now you really do sound like you’re coming from a romance movie.”
“Is it a good movie at least?”
“Probably,” Yuuri admits. “I wouldn’t know though; I haven’t seen it yet.”
Victor marvels at how much he loves playing with Yuuri’s hair, and he simply says, “We should definitely go see it sometime then.”
Yuuri snorts, but doesn’t say anything. They rest like that for a while, a few minutes, maybe hours, maybe days, Victor doesn’t necessarily care because it all feels like a single second and an entire lifetime happening all at once.
“How many kids do you want?” Victor suddenly finds himself asking. Victor tenses, fearing Yuuri’s response, but before he can say something else, Yuuri just laughs.
“I don’t know. A few, I guess. I’m afraid that if we have one, they’ll be too spoiled.”
“How does ten sound?”
“Victor.”
Victor just laughs, and continues to play with Yuuri’s hair. Everything about Yuuri is absolutely addicting, and sometimes he wonders if that feeling should be frightening to him, but nothing about Yuuri is frightening, nothing about Yuuri makes Victor feel afraid, in fact it’s everything about Yuuri that makes Victor feel strong.
“I adore you,” says Victor, and the words float in the air around them. Yuuri tilts his head and looks up at him, eyes wide and cheeks red. He’s gorgeous, inside and out, and Victor’s heart is flying.
“I love you,” Yuuri responds.
Victor doesn’t think anything else in the world is better than this. He cannot comprehend a better thing than this. This boy is absolutely everything to him, and he’s so excited to fall in love with him even more every day.
“I love you more,” Victor says.
Yuuri scoffs, and turns away. “Doubt that,” he mutters.
Victor smiles. “That a challenge?” he asks.
Yuuri turns to look at him again. “Of course not. I’ve already won,” he says innocently. “Now go get the remote so we can watch a cheesy romance movie.”
Victor sniffs. “It doesn’t matter what we watch, the couple in it won’t be nearly as cute as we are.”
“Victor.”
[FEBRUARY 2012]
Victor didn’t want to think about Yuuri at all today, but ironically enough, he was the first damn thought he had when he woke up.
Today would have been our anniversary, he thinks before he’s even opened his eyes, and suddenly the empty side of his bed is much more present, and Victor is sad.
He opens his eyes.
“Fuck,” he whispers, and his room is dark, too dark, and Victor groans. Turning on the light, he grabs his phone and props himself up.
He doesn’t know what he’s doing. He doesn’t know why he’s doing this. He promised himself he wouldn’t think about him at all.
I wonder how he’s doing, he briefly thinks before he can stop himself.
His fingers are typing in a name he’s tried to distance himself from, and Victor knows he should stop, knows that he won’t gain anything from doing this, knows that this will only hurt him, but he’s already pressed ‘enter’ and can’t take it back. Several articles come up, and Victor is pressing one of them before he can help himself.
Victor doesn’t move a muscle for a long while, and he’s hurting, something is hurting, what’s hurting so much, oh god, it’s his heart.
He knows it shouldn’t affect him anymore. But he also knows it’s only been a few weeks. Not even a full month. A few weeks. And he knows that most articles have no real basis behind them, knows that most of them aren’t true, knows that if he and Yuuri were still dating, they’d laugh it off and kiss each so fiercely, their souls only melding closer together. He knows that he has the right to still hurt, but does he have that right if Yuuri isn’t?
He shouldn’t have typed his name. He shouldn’t have allowed himself to think about him. He shouldn’t have he shouldn’t have he shouldn’t hav—it would have been their three year anniversary.
And Victor knows he has things he needs to do today. But he lies back down anyway, and closes his eyes, and lets himself believe that Yuuri is giggling about the article in the shower.
(It doesn’t work it doesn’t work it doesn’t work, but Victor falls back asleep anyway, weight heavy in his heart.
And when he wakes up again, he drinks and drinks and drinks.)
[MARCH 2007]
“Yuuri, are you nervous?” his mom asks him, giggling. Yuuri blushes.
“Of course I’m nervous! I’m meeting the boy I’ll be starring with! What if he doesn’t like me? What if I don’t like him?” he exclaims. His mom laughs again, and Yuuri blushes, embarrassed.
“I can’t think of a single soul that doesn’t love you, Yuuri,” she assures him, and Yuuri picks at his arm. “And I know that despite how you may feel toward him, you are professional enough to not let it affect your dream. You dream big, sweetie, and your determination is beautiful.”
Yuuri blushes again. He doesn’t let himself speak about his insecurities. What if the director likes this Victor guy more than he likes Yuuri? What if Victor doesn’t like him and demands him to be booted off the show and because Yakov likes him more, he is? What if he never achieves his dreams? What if Yuuri doesn’t like him? What if they don’t act well together? What if they—
“Yuuri,” his mother chirps. “He’s here.”
And Yuuri turns to meet him, the images that he’s seen of the older boy flashing briefly in his mind, but ending up being nothing compared to the real deal.
Victor is absolutely stunning, and Yuuri feels his chest tighten, and Yuuri hasn’t felt anything like this since his first crush all those years ago.
The other boy looks nervous, but excited, and upon seeing Yuuri, he brightens.
“Yuuri?” he asks, walking up to them and stopping with a spring in his step.
Yuuri nods, blushing, and Yuuri doesn’t know where to look. Victor is gorgeous. How is a nineteen-year-old this gorgeous?!
“Hello,” Yuuri’s mom greets, smiling brightly. “I’m Yuuri’s mother.” She holds out her hand, and Victor takes hold of it happily.
Victor laughs, a bright sun in the night sky, and Yuuri can’t believe he hasn’t spoken yet. When they let go of each other, Victor’s gaze travels to him again, and Yuuri still hasn’t spoken.
“Uhm. Hi,” Yuuri finally says, and Victor’s smile somehow gets larger.
“Hi!” he responds. “I’m so happy I get to finally meet you. I’ve been wanting to meet you since forever.”
Yuuri blushes even harder, and Victor notices, a slight smirk briefly appearing in his expression. He covers it quickly with another smile.
“It’s n-nice to meet you too,” Yuuri says, internally screaming at the fact he stuttered. His mother giggles at their interaction, and Yuuri throws her a quick glare of embarrassment. She just winks at him.
“Well, I’m just here to sign some forms. Do you know where I can do that?” she asks Victor. Victor instantly looks apologetic, and Yuuri wonders how he’s supposed to keep up with Victor’s rapid mood changes. Yuuri thinks that Victor is… extreme, but on one hand, he doesn’t think that’s a bad thing either.
“I’m sorry. I don’t know, no,” Victor responds.
She sighs. “Don’t be sorry! It’s okay. I just need to find someone quickly. I have a few errands to run. And then I’ll be back to pick up my little Yuuri here,” she says. Yuuri wants to die.
Victor laughs. “Can he not drive?” he asks, looking absolutely fascinated with Yuuri’s mother. Yuuri is wondering where the nearest cliff is to jump off of. His mom is just as entranced by Victor, and she laughs as well.
“Oh, he can. But even if I didn’t have to sign forms, I still would have driven him! He’s an awful driver,” she says.
“No, I’m not!” Yuuri protests. Both ignore him.
“Is he really?” Victor asks excitedly.
“He is. But it’s really just because his nerves get the best of him. He has some awful nerves sometimes. I think he just feels stressed to be behind the wheel.”
Yuuri hates this. Absolutely hates this. This has to be the worst thing that has ever happened to him he hates this he—
“He seems like he’s a careful driver. I don’t know. Better than my driving, that’s for sure,” Victor says, sliding his gaze back to Yuuri. Yuuri is astonished by how pretty he is. Yuuri’s about to thank him or at least say something when Yakov interrupts them.
“Yuuri! Victor! There you are! Victor, I told you to bring them in! Why are you standing around talking to them? I’m sure Mrs. Katsuki has places to be.”
Yakov makes his way over to him, and Yuuri is relieved to see another familiar face.
Victor pouts. “I didn’t want to share them yet,” he says. Yuuri blushes for the hundredth time and his mom just laughs again.
Yakov scoffs, but ignores him. He quickly shakes both of their hands.
“I’m sure you’re looking for the paperwork. Luckily, Yuuri has already signed everything so all we need is your signature on a few items. They’re in my office if you’d like to follow me…”
“Of course!” his mom exclaims. “I was getting worried about where you were. I have a few errands to run so I may just leave right after I sign.” She turns to Yuuri and before he can protest, envelopes him in a big hug. “I expect you to tell me how everything goes when you get home!”
“Mom,” he groans. Yuuri sees Victor practically bouncing in spot in his peripheral.
“I love you!” she says. “I’ll pick you up when you’re finished. Have fun!”
Yakov mumbles a few instructions for them to get to know each other, and then they’re heading off to finish up the paperwork.
Yuuri swears his heart is leaping in his chest. Calm down, he thinks. You’re going to have to work with him for, hopefully, a long time. Stop it.
“I love your mom,” Victor suddenly says, breaking the short silence. Yuuri lets himself smile.
“Yeah,” he agrees. “She’s pretty great.”
And then Victor is grabbing onto his hand and dragging him to another room. He shuts the door quietly, and Yuuri is a little amazed about how quickly that all happened.
There’s a couch in the room, and Victor is sitting right next to him.
“So,” Victor starts. “We’re going to be working together for quite some time, and I know that loads of people get to know each other over time, but I want to know everything if I’m going to be your co-star.”
“Huh?” Yuuri asks, overwhelmed.
“Favorite color? First love? How many people have you dated? You’re seventeen, right? Who do you live with? Any pets? I have one. A dog. A poodle, to be exact. Makkachin. Anyway, do you have any? What about food? What’s your favorite type? How many languages can you speak? Where did you grow up? Do you prefer board games or games on your phone? If you weren’t here right now, where would you be? Did you ever expect any of this to happen? What are your biggest fears? Your mom mentioned you get nervous often. What are your biggest insecurities? I hope you don’t say looks because I just wouldn’t be able to see that. Do you like your looks? I like mine. Although, I guess I’m most self-conscious of my hair… do you like my hair?”
Yuuri waits a moment when Victor’s finally stopped talking to make sure that he’s actually stopped talking.
“Uhm,” Yuuri says. How is he supposed to answer all of that? Where is he? What’s going on? Is Victor always like this? Why is Yuuri weirdly endeared by that?
Victor instantly deflates, looking completely unsure about anything. “I’m sorry. I know I can be… quite a bit. A lot, even. To the extreme, some say. I don’t mean to be. I’m just really excited.”
Yuuri realizes he isn’t any less endeared after hearing that. He smiles warmly at him. Victor seems to be feeling insecure about himself right now, and Yuuri knows that feeling all too well.
“It’s okay. You just asked so many questions at once. I’d be happy to answer them though,” he says, smiling. Victor just stares at him for a few seconds, but then his entire demeanor changes once again.
“So… favorite color?”
They talk for hours, and finally, they both become hungry enough to leave the room to search for food.
“I’m excited to see you act tomorrow,” Victor tells him when they finally find a room with assortments of food on a table. They haven’t seen Yakov since the morning, and Yuuri briefly wonders if other actors’ first days are like this. Yuuri came in knowing he wouldn’t be acting today, but for some reason, he feels like he should be.
“I’m excited to see you act too,” Yuuri admits, and Victor turns a bit red at that.
You’re cute you’re cute you’re cute, Yuuri finds himself thinking before he can help himself. Blushing, Yuuri looks away. No no no no no.
“I’m glad you’re my co-star, Yuuri,” whispers Victor. And Yuuri’s head snaps back up, eyes meeting Victor’s. He can’t help but smile. How could he not smile?
“I’m glad you’re mine too,” Yuuri responds, his heart soaring.
[JANUARY 2012]
“It’s TOO MUCH, Victor! It’s too much! And I-I-I don’t know what to believe anymore! And I know I should believe you, and I do, but recently, I just… I just, don’t. And I-I love you, but fuck, Victor… it’s so much it’s so much it’s so fucking much.”
“Yuuri, I—”
“And I know you didn’t do anything. I know you would never. I have complete trust in you, but it’s so hard to read all the speculation, all the shit they say about us, how you deserve better, and that’s the hardest because you do. You deserve better than me. You deserve better,” Yuuri cries.
Victor is shaking his head, crying crying crying, and Yuuri is crying collapsing breaking, and nothing is how it should be nothing is going as planned it’s not right it’s not right it’s not fair. “Yuuri, we can get through it. I… I know it’s hard, but we can get through it. We’ve always gotten through it. We can—”
“I don’t want to get through it anymore! I can barely handle my own damn thoughts! I can barely handle myself, and I adore you, Victor! I love you so much, but how am I supposed to be able to handle any of this when I always feel like I’m suffocating?!”
Makkachin has started to bark at them, and Yuuri is starting to have a panic attack, and he’s collapsing against the floor, eyes wide and terrified, and Victor is absolutely heartbroken.
“Yuuri Yuuri Yuuri I love you so much. I know it’s scary… I know we became famous so quickly. I know. Every day I worry that you’ll find someone else that you love more while filming another movie or going out to eat, and every day I know that you love me. I know it’s been hard for you, Yuuri… I know, and I-I wish I could help more. Maybe we could see—”
“I just want them to leave us alone! Why can’t they just leave us alone! Every move I make, I’m so terrified about who will see it and how they’ll interpret it and spread it. And I know that a lot of people go through this, but it just… it seems harder when I’m with you. It’s harder because you’re famous too and we’re not even working together on the same thing anymore and it’s hard to hear about what your boyfriend is doing before you even hear about it yourself. I-I hate it.”
Victor reaches forward to hug Yuuri, bring him into his grip, and comfort him as best as he can, but Yuuri is pulling away. “No no no, please don’t. I’ve been thinking about this for a while, Victor. And I know it’s so selfish. I know I know and I’m so fucking sorry, but I’m done with this, Victor. I’m done with going on half-dates with you because the paparazzi find us. I’m done with worrying about every single little thing I do in our relationship, Victor… I’m done with this relationship.”
And he’s stood up again, and Victor has found himself being the one who has broken, who has collapsed, who has absolutely found himself stuck in a hole that seems so impossible to get out of, and he’s crying, no no no no no no.
“Y-Yuuri,” he gasps out, and Yuuri takes another step back, shaking his head wildly, and Victor briefly wonders what triggered all of this to happen. What article did Yuuri read? What tweet did he see? What comment did he allow himself to dig deep into? Why why why why. Why isn’t he talking to him? Why isn’t he communicating? Why isn’t he letting Victor speak? Why is he turning around? Why is he turning around? Why is he turning around? Why is he turning around? Why is he walking walking walking away? He’s walking? Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Where is he? Where’s Yuuri? Makkachin has stopped barking, and it’s absolutely silent except for Victor’s weak cries.
Why did Yuuri leave him?
[MAY 2015]
Yuuri shouldn’t be affected. He knows it’s been years since they’ve broken up, and he knows they don’t even like each other anymore, but a hurt so deep has lodged itself in his chest, and he’s finding it incredibly difficult to breathe.
“Yuuri,” Phichit says, worry all over his face. He reaches over to grab Yuuri’s hand, but Yuuri pulls back, and he can’t breathe he can’t breathe he can’t breathe. “Yuuri,” Phichit tries again. Yuuri just shakes his head, swallowing down his words.
“It doesn’t matter,” he says.
“Are you sure?” Phichit asks.
No no no no no no. I’m not sure. I’m not sure of anything, and I hate Victor, I do, he said some awful shit about me afterwards, but I deserved it. I did too. It was my fault. It’s my fault. Everything is my fault everything is my fault I never deserved him in the first place. I won’t ever deserve him. Whatever. I don’t know. I don’t know anything, and he doesn’t matter. He doesn’t ma—
“Yuuri,” Phichit repeats again, finally taking hold of his hand. “Yuuri, you’re not saying anything.”
“T-There’s nothing to say, Phichit,” he sighs, finally letting himself take a breath. It hurts. It’s not allowed to hurt so much.
He hates Victor. Hates him so much.
“Do you miss him?” Phichit asks, squeezing Yuuri’s hand. Yuuri sucks in a breath.
(Of course he misses him. Of course of course. No, he hates him. No, he doesn’t. He does he does he does he has to. It’s his fault. It’s his own fault. It doesn’t matter that he misses him. Nothing will happen.)
“Sometimes,” Yuuri responds, and it’s so quiet. There aren’t any other sounds, and Yuuri is about to go out for a pap walk, but he isn’t sure he can anymore.
Phichit looks sad, and Yuuri thinks that he doesn’t see Phichit sad very often. He’s always so bright, so optimistic, but he looks sad for Yuuri, and it makes sense that Phichit would only become sad when it’s for his friends.
“What are you going to do?” he asks.
Yuuri swallows and shakes his head. “I can’t do anything. It’s been over three years since we dated. It shouldn’t matter to me. It shouldn’t matter to me, Phichit, so I’m not going to let it.”
Phichit purses his lips. “I’m sure it’s going to be all over the news for a while. Do you want me to take all your devices away and we can watch movies for the next few days? I’m sure we can cancel your pap walk.”
Yuuri shakes his head, smiling at him gratefully. He’s truly lucky to have Phichit as his friend. So so lucky. “No. I don’t want to hole away. I can’t do this every time he kisses someone else. I just… I just didn’t expect it is all. I know I should, but I just. Didn’t,” he ends lamely.
And that’s the entire story. That’s all Yuuri saw. ‘Famous Victor Nikiforov seen kissing another man at friend’s birthday party.’ And when Yuuri saw it, he froze up. He hasn’t seen much of Victor recently, both having the other blacklisted and both avoiding all topics of discussion that involve each other. He’s sure rumors circulate about him as well, and it’s not as if Yuuri hasn’t kissed another man since they broke up, but… but Yuuri regretted it right after and pushed that man away. He had gone out to see if he could love again right now. To see if he could find someone else to push him to his limits and support him along the way. To see if he could find someone else to make him forget all about Victor Nikiforov. But it didn’t work, and Yuuri just hasn’t tried again. He doesn’t want to try again. He’s too busy and too worried about himself and his future and his movies to do anything of the sorts, but seeing Victor trending all over Twitter when he got on wasn’t what he expected, and curiosity got the best of him, and then he was spammed with pictures of a pretty hot and heavy kiss between Victor and another man.
And it shouldn’t hurt anymore.
Yuuri doesn’t know why it still hurts so much. He loathes Victor. He isn’t even sure why. He supposes it’s to do with the hurtful things they said about each other after a few months of having been broken up. He supposes it has to do with the way they broke it off. He supposes it has to do with everything that could have happened between the two of them, but didn’t. He supposes it has to do with unresolved feelings that they know they’re never going to talk about. It could be about anything, but it doesn’t matter because Yuuri doesn’t want to talk to him again. He doesn’t want to be near him again. He doesn’t want any of that to happen again, but he doesn’t want to see him in the news either.
He doesn’t want to see him move on when Yuuri clearly hasn’t, and that’s so selfish of him to say that, to even think that, but it’s true. It’s true and cruel, but Yuuri doesn’t know what to do about it, he can’t do anything about it, and he doesn’t even really want to.
Why can’t he just move on? Why does it still hurt so much? Why did he ever have to fall in love with Victor in the first place?
Yuuri realizes that Phichit has stopped holding his hand when he comes back with water, and Yuuri wonders when he even left.
“Here,” Phichit says, handing it to him. Yuuri takes it.
“Thank you,” he whispers. He takes a sip of it, feeling it soothe his throat, and his mind, and Yuuri loves Phichit for being such a good friend.
“Are you sure you don’t want to cancel the pap walk?” Phichit asks.
Yuuri stands up, feeling himself almost fall in the process, but he catches himself, he always catches himself, and he can continue to catch himself. He has to.
“I’m sure,” he simply says. And Phichit just smiles at him.
Yuuri will forget Victor.
(He has to.)
[DECEMBER 2016]
“Happy birthday, Victor. Here’s your present,” Mila says, smiling wildly as she holds out a manila envelope. Victor frowns at her.
“What is it?” he asks. It’s not that he doesn’t trust the gifts Mila gives him, it’s just that he doesn’t trust the gifts Mila gives him. He’ll never forget the squirrel incident.
She rolls her eyes. “Open it and find out. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised.”
Victor just stares at her. “The word ‘pleasant’ doesn’t usually follow after your surprises though.”
She glares at him. “Just open it.”
He finally gives in, laughing a bit, and takes the envelope. He doesn’t feel anything moving inside so he figures it’s okay.
And what he pulls out is a script.
“A script? Really? Is that all you got me?” he pouts. She rolls her eyes again.
“Maybe. Maybe not. You still have your Christmas gift, you know. But look at it, will you? I think you’ll really like it, Victor.”
He purses his lips, but immediately focuses on the script. “Who’s directing?” he asks, skimming over the first few pages.
“Yakov,” she quietly responds. Victor’s gaze immediately snaps back up to her, and he frowns. Victor is stunned for a few seconds, but clears his throat.
“Yakov is?”
“Yes. I just said that,” she says.
“But… but he—”
“He’s come back. He says he wants you to be in his movie. He thinks you’ll be perfect, and honestly Victor… after reading the script, I think you will be.”
Victor doesn’t know what to say. “What’s with the title? Pigeon Alley? What’s that mean?”
She rolls her eyes again. “If you read it, you’ll know. And when you know, I bet you anything you’ll be calling me and telling me how much you want it.”
“It’s really that good?”
She nods. “Yes. It really is. And it’s important to Yakov that you be in it. I’ll tell you more details after you accept it.”
“After?”
She smirks. “You’ll accept it, Victor. Now, please read it. It won’t take long. You can tell me all about it at the Christmas party in a few hours. I need to go, okay? Read it.”
He laughs, giving her a quick hug. “Alright alright. Can’t believe you’re leaving me when you’re going to be back in a few hours anyway. Why is it always me hosting the party?” He sighs dramatically.
“Because you have the biggest house. Obviously. Now, read it. Bye.”
And then she’s gone, but Victor has already settled down on his couch, Makkachin at his feet, script in hand, and future in mind.
He calls her an hour later. She picks up on the second ring.
“Mila, I love it. I want it. Please. Please please. Does Yakov want me to play Devon? I don’t see how I could play Toshio so I’d have to be Devon, right? Anyway, I want on.”
Mila laughs. “See? I told you you’d love it. And yes, he wants you to play Devon. But Victor… there’s something else you need to know.”
Victor doesn’t care what it is. He wouldn’t care if his most hated nemesis would live with him every day if he could play this character. He wouldn’t care if the world ended in three years. He’s excited to play Devon. He’s excited for this, and it’s something new, and refreshing, and he needs this. He’s tired of the roles he continuously plays now. He’s tired of romantic comedies without connection, he’s tired of unnecessary dramas, he’s tired of idiotic plotlines designed to make money, this is real, and he loves it, and nothing is going to stop him.
“What is it?” he asks, feeling elated. There’s a long pause, and Mila clears her throat awkwardly. Victor wonders if there’s possibly anything that she could say that would not make him want this role. He doubts it.
“Well, erm,” she starts.
“Come on, Mila,” he chuckles. She clears her throat again, and Victor just waits.
“Yakov wants Yuuri to play Toshio.”
Oh.
“Yuuri as in… Yuuri Katsuki? As in that Yuuri? As in the Yuuri that I used to… know?”
She clears her throat once again, and Victor realizes he’s holding in his breath. “Yes. That Yuuri.”
“Oh,” he says.
“Victor?” she asks.
(But he wants the role. He needs this role. This role would be good for him, both professionally and mentally, and if Victor were to deny this role, he’d be the biggest idiot of them all.
But working with Yuuri again… seeing him every day… being near him after everything that happened… Victor doesn’t know if he can do that.
He can.
He can’t he can’t he can’t—
No. He can’t think like this. He can.)
“I still want the role. It’s not… it’s not possible to even try to convince Yakov to find someone else, is it? I know other actors that would be a good Toshio as well… I can help him… I could—”
Mila sighs. “You know Yuuri is perfect for the role, Victor. He wants you and Yuuri. He knows your past, but he’s convinced that there isn’t a better working pair than the two of you. And he’s confident that you can both be professional and overcome your past to work for your future. Because Victor, I’m sure you know it, but this would be so good for you. So good for your career, and it’s not that you’re doing badly, but this could win you awards, Victor. This could put your name in film history. And I think you know that. But I think you can do it, Victor. I really do.”
Victor cannot speak. His heart is beating loudly, and the phone is beginning to warm his cheek, and he knows he’d be an idiot to deny this role, and he knows that Yuuri is perfect for Toshio, but… but it’s still difficult.
But Victor Nikiforov is not one to shy away from difficulties.
“I’ll take it.”
“Excellent!” Mila exclaims. “Now I’ll actually give you your present. See you soon, Niki!”
She hangs up, and Victor is left to stand in silence. His heart is still beating, and he briefly wonders when Yuuri will see the script, what he’ll think about it, if he’ll agree to it or not when he finds out that Victor would be his co-star.
A large part of Victor hopes that he doesn’t take it. He doesn’t want to see Yuuri. He doesn’t want to speak to him. He doesn’t even understand how he can possibly work with him, but he knows he wants this role enough that he’ll at least try.
(But another part of him, a part that Victor doesn’t ever want to acknowledge again, lights up at the idea of seeing Yuuri again.
And that hurts most of all.)
[JANUARY 2017]
“Yuuri!” Phichit practically sings as he enters his house. Yuuri looks up from his book, and looks at him curiously.
“Phichit? What is it?”
“I found a script for you!” he exclaims, bounding over to him.
“You did! Who’s directing?” Yuuri asks, immediately taking the script from Phichit and opening it. He’s been looking for a new movie to do for ages now, but everything that’s been brought to him just hasn’t gotten his attention.
“Yakov is! He’s had the script for a while, but he was so busy trying to find others to work on it, and he’s been going through his whole thing with Lilia….”
“Yeah, I heard about that,” Yuuri mumbled, heart constricting at the mention of Yakov. With Yakov only comes memories of Victor, and that’s hard for him to think about or even acknowledge.
He quickly reads through the script as Phichit makes himself at home by skipping off into the kitchen to make food for himself.
Half an hour later, Yuuri has finished, and he’s… astonished.
“Who wrote this?!” he exclaims, flipping to the front. “Otabek Altin?” he wonders aloud.
Phichit has already joined him, and he smiles. “Yeah! Apparently, he’s a new young writer, and this will be his first movie. He’s written for short films in the past, but he turned in this script for Yakov to read, and well, there goes Yakov declaring he’ll no longer be in retirement. It’s good, right?”
“Amazing,” Yuuri says. “And Yakov wants me to play Toshio?”
“Yes. He thinks you’re perfect for it,” Phichit says, smiling brightly. Yuuri blushes under the compliment, but doesn’t negate it. He did feel a certain connection with Toshio when reading it.
“Who’s playing Devon?” he asks.
Phichit stiffens, smile frozen in place, and Yuuri frowns.
“What’s wrong?”
“Well, honestly… uhm… Yakov hasn’t chosen an actor to play Devon yet. That’s why he’s so worried. But he’ll find… someone.”
Yuuri just peers at him, wondering why it feels like something isn’t right.
“So there isn’t an actor for Devon yet? Am I the only actor he’s chosen?”
Phichit nods, but it’s unsure. “I think so, yeah.”
Yuuri frowns at him. “Okay….”
Phichit looks away. Yuuri decides to ignore it. Phichit is hiding something, but if it was truly important, Yuuri knows he’d tell him.
“Well, I want the role. Tell him I’m beyond honored.”
Phichit smiles. “Yay!” he exclaims. “I’m so glad you liked it. I thought you would, and I think you’ll really enjoy working with Yakov again.”
Yuuri nods, a small smile on his face. “Yeah. It’s exciting,” he admits.
“I’ll call him now! Be right back, Yuuri!” He bounds off before Yuuri can even try to pry more into what made him so quiet before, and Yuuri looks back down at the script.
It’s good. Oscar-level and above kind of good, and Yuuri briefly wonders about the Altin kid that wrote it. This script is the reason Yakov came out of retirement. This script inspired Yakov enough not only to kick start Yakov’s career again, but to work with Yuuri again, and Yuuri just so floored by all of this.
He’s excited. He’s excited.
(He vaguely wonders what movies Victor is working on.
And he tries to let himself forget that when reading it, he pictured Victor as Devon.
Ridiculous.
He’s being absolutely ridiculous.)