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It was raining outside by the time they all reached the hotel, the temperature had dropped significantly since the start of their day, one that had been pretty busy if you asked them. When Hoseok finally entered his room, he felt drained, the weight of the day taking it’s toll on him. He was about to lay for a bit before going out to eat something when Yoongi knocked on his hotel door looking like hell. At first he was trying to hide it, just saying he needed someone to talk to, but Hoseok could see his eyes were red and his cheeks puffy, telltale signs he’d been crying. Yoongi had been dancing for what felt like ages around the subject before his voice cracked and he hugged Hoseok. They stayed like that for a while until Hoseok decided it was time for them to part and make Yoongi talk.
“What happened? I know you’re not upset because your computer won’t load or you’ve hit a writer’s block. Talk to me.” Hoseok said, staring Yoongi who seemed more interested in the little wet patch he left behind in Hoseok’s shirt.
“I’m sorry... about your shirt.” Yoongi said, sounding so little Hoseok wanted to kiss the pout right out of his mouth.
“Hey, it’s ok. Look at me.” Yoongi finally lifted his eyes from Hoseok’s shoulder. “Yes, that’s better. I’m all ears, always. You know that by now, don’t you?” He felt like he was talking to a child, but Yoongi looked so vulnerable and he didn’t want to add to the problem just because he was feeling impatient. He could wait all night if that was what Yoongi needed.
“I don’t know what to tell you, sunshine.” Yoongi’s voice cracked when he said the last word. “I just feel like a mess. I have this pain in my chest and it won’t leave. I haven’t been sleeping properly these last few nights, and I feel like everything I do I just... I just fuck it up.” Yoongi hid behind his hands then. “Fuck.. I don’t want to start crying again.” His voice was muffled but Hoseok could understand him perfectly.
“Why didn’t you come to me earlier? You’re so stubborn.” Hoseok said, his voice laced with concern.
Yoongi always did this, acted like everything was going well until it turned into the biggest snowball and he couldn’t handle it anymore. The first time Hoseok found him crying they were still trainees, he had been working on a song for months and it got rejected. Yoongi was all smiles, even though he remained quiet, during their whole practice but when it was time to go home he went to the bathroom to cry. It was usually empty, all the trainees eager to get some rest, but Hoseok had seen him and got worried so he followed Yoongi to the bathroom. He had decided to wait outside, not wanting to disturb Yoongi, but when he heard crying he had to step in. They were still basically strangers by then but they always did this, taking care of each other. It was like they had a bond from another life and it just had transcended to this one, they felt like kindred spirits from the start.
“You’re going through a lot too, I didn’t want to worry you with something I can’t even explain myself.” Yoongi said, having lowered his hands and looked at Hoseok’s face uncertain. He started playing with his fingers, something he did whenever he got nervous, before he continued. “It’s dumb. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize for coming to me, I just wish you would have come sooner. I know you like to think of yourself as this cold and detached person, but you’re not, and it’s ok to ask for help once in your life for a change.” Hoseok sighed then. “I don’t wanna sound like I’m scolding you but... you get what I’m trying to say, right?”
“Yeah... yeah, I do.” Yoongi sounded defeated. “I’m sorry for acting this way, you’re right.” He reached for Hoseok’s hand and squeezed it. “It’s ok if I spend the night? I think I’d sleep better if I was next to you.”
“Did you really think I’d let you go back alone to your hotel room? I know you can’t explain what’s going on so I won’t push the subject, but I wanna help you in any way I can.” Just then Hoseok had an idea. “Can you wait for a bit here? There’s something I gotta do before you can come with me.” Yoongi just nodded and let go of Hoseok’s hand.
On his trip to the bathroom, Hoseok thought on how Yoongi still looked like a lost puppy, a look so odd on him. Yoongi was quiet, sure, but merely his presence in the room would have an effect on everyone present. It was mesmerizing watching the way he would talk to people or even move around them. He was so confident and smart, but never full of himself. Hoseok could still remember the day he first saw Yoongi, only in his boxers wandering around the dormitory, and that made him stop and smile before reaching for the bathroom door.
Their financial situation was finally starting to stabilize so now they could afford better hotel rooms, this one being the biggest one so far, it’s bathroom even had an actual bathtub on it. He was glad he had bought a couple of lavender bath bombs a long time ago on a whim and brought them with him. Their smell reminded him of when he was younger and his mother would hold him tightly after a long day of practicing and reassure him. It always made him feel safe and cared for, so he hoped it would have the same effect on Yoongi.
He padded back to the bedroom and found Yoongi lying down on the bed, curled up on himself like he always does when he’s asleep, but this time he was fully awake. Hoseok stood there for a moment, watching this boy, his boy, allowing himself to be so vulnerable in his presence, but Yoongi quickly noticed Hoseok watching him and got up.
“You looked so small.” Hoseok said when Yoongi approached him.
“I did?” Yoongi asked, giving him a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes.
“Well, you’re not exactly big, you know?” That earned him a weak punch on the arm.
“You’re the one to talk.” Yoongi huffed. “Plus, I thought you were supposed to respect your elders. Where are your manners?” He asked, now more in a playful tone.
“So... I guess you’re so outraged you’ll refuse the bath I just prepared for you then?” Hoseok crossed his arms over his chest and stared at Yoongi smirking.
“No...” Yoongi said, already finding his way to the bathroom.
“Yeah, didn’t think so.” Hoseok said under his breath, following Yoongi close behind.
Yoongi entered the bathroom first, inhaling the scent and smiling sweetly. Hoseok followed him, closing the door behind them and leaning into it. Yoongi was surprised when he saw the water's color, a soft shade of sparkly purple, almost pink when it reached the edges of the tub, and thought it suited Hoseok. Strong at first sight, the mood setter, something like a private sun, but when you got past first impressions you could see he was actually fragile, needed someone to tell him everything was going to be ok too. Although the color faded, the sparkle remained the same and that applied to Hoseok as well. He was always shining in Yoongi's eyes no matter what.
“Thank you.” He said, this time smiling slowly, his gums showing first and then his pearly white tiny teeth, his eyes almost disappearing.
“Don't thank me. You deserve it.” Hoseok answered, feeling lighter after seeing Yoongi smile again.
“No, I don't. You're too good to me.” Yoongi huffed, sounding serious suddenly. “Anyway, before you give me some snarky comment about what I said, can we go in? The water is gonna get cold.”
“We? I don't think that tub can fit both of us. And I planned this for you so...” Hoseok was genuinely surprised with Yoongi's request.
“Oh... I thought we... Never mind.” Yoongi sounded truly disappointed, but kept a straight face.
“You gotta ask for what you want, I can't read minds, you know?” Hoseok got closer to him then. “Tell me, what were you thinking?” He stroked Yoongi's cheek gently with his thumb.
“That I didn't want to be alone. That I wanted to take a bath with you. But if you don't want to, that's ok, really.” Yoongi said it so fast that if Hoseok wasn't used to his nervousness when he was feeling this anxious, he wouldn't have been able to understand it.
“See? It wasn't that hard.” Hoseok distanced himself from Yoongi and started taking his clothes off. “Of course I'll take a bath with you.” Yoongi looked like a kid in a candy shop then.
As Hoseok got rid of his heavier layers of clothes, he noticed Yoongi was still fully dressed and watching him. He liked feeling his gaze on his body so he started taking off his shirt slowly, almost putting on a show for Yoongi, whose cheeks quickly started to darken from a soft pink to crimson.
“Like what you see, baby?” Hoseok couldn't help but tease him. “You're still wearing a lot of clothes for someone who's going to take a bath.”
“Oh.” Yoongi looked down at himself, seeming embarrassed. “Yeah, I got... distracted.”
“Flattering, but like you said, water's gonna get cold.” Hoseok finished taking the rest of his clothes off and even though he didn't look at Yoongi, he could feel him staring once again. So, instead of teasing him some more, he got into the tub. “Come on, baby. It feels like heaven, join me.” And Yoongi could swear he saw Hoseok wink at him.
He got out off his clothes faster than Hoseok thought it was safe considering he almost fell twice, but then Yoongi started to ease himself into the tub really slowly and Hoseok forgot all about what he was going to say. He started searching for a position that was comfortable for the both of them, but after some failed attempts he decided on resting his head in Hoseok's chest even though his feet were resting in the tub's edge and would eventually get cold.
“Who were you calling small earlier?” Yoongi asked moving his toes.
“You're still small, but this tub manages to be smaller. And it's only cause there's two of us, you know it's supposed to fit only one person.” Hoseok answered as he started massaging Yoongi's scalp.
They went quiet for a long time after that, Yoongi seemed to have lost interest in answering Hoseok as soon as his hand started caressing him, even his breathing had slowed down after that. Hoseok thought he must had fallen asleep after some time until Yoongi softly sighed and moved a little.
“Can you sing for me? Anything you want. Your voice really calms me down.” Yoongi asked, his voice barely a whisper.
“You know I can't sing for shit, right?” Hoseok answered him, sounding uncertain, his hand stopping mid caress.
“Yes, you can. And you should stop doubting yourself, sunshine.” Yoongi looked up at him. “You're amazing, you know that right?”
“I'll try, for you. But just cause you asked nicely.” Hoseok said, trying to suppress his smile at the compliment and nickname.
Hoseok started just humming the song at first, something soft and slow, but Yoongi could still feel Hoseok’s chest moving, how the sound traveled from deep within and almost died on his closed lips. He recognized the song, something he used to play on the piano for Hoseok a long time ago, the memory so vivid he could feel the piano keys underneath his fingers and the way they both had kissed slowly after he was done playing. He closed his eyes the moment he could hear Hoseok starting to sing.
“Wise men say... only fools rush in.” Hoseok resumed playing with Yoongi’s hair. “But I can’t help falling in love with... you. Oh, shall I stay? Would it be a sin?”
Yoongi reached for Hoseok’s hand that was resting on the side of the tub and interlocked their fingers. “Some things are meant to be.” He sang along with him.
Hoseok stopped then. “Hey.” Yoongi looked up, waiting. “I love you, you know that right?” He paused, waiting for Yoongi to react, but he just stayed very still. “I think it’s the first time I truly said that. I’m sorry if this is too much for you I...”
“It’s not.” Yoongi reassured him, squeezing his hand. “I’ve been meaning to tell you that too. Actually I wanted to be the first one to say it.” Yoongi laughed softly.
“Well, what took you so long then?’’ Hoseok laughed too, shaking his head.
“I was afraid I guess.’’ Yoongi looked at his feet and noticed they were starting to prun up.
“Afraid of what, exactly?” Hoseok asked. He waited, but never really got a reply.
“Can we get out?” Yoongi asked after the silence between them had stretched out for too long, no longer the comfortable one they had going on between them just before. “The water is getting cold and I’m tired, to be honest.” Yoongi released Hoseok’s hand and got up. He got distant then, toweled himself off, and left the bathroom only in his boxers and undershirt, leaving a confused Hoseok behind to clean after them.
Every time their conversation involved their relationship Yoongi would just avoid the subject or leave, Hoseok was already familiar with this pattern, but had never confronted him about it. He took his time getting dressed and cleaning the bathroom up, not wanting to face Yoongi immediately. He had so many questions, but thought it wasn’t the right moment to push him.
He entered the bedroom once again and found Yoongi already laying down on the bed, the lights still on. The covers were pushed so far up he could only see his little ears, his hair a wet mint mess, the color already fading now, all over the pillow. He seated himself on the other side of the bed slowly, reaching for the phone.
“I’m going to order something to eat, are you hungry?” Hoseok asked, his voice low just in case Yoongi was already sleeping.
“No, thank you.” Yoongi answered, but his stomach betrayed him.
“I can hear your stomach complaining from here. I’m gonna order something for you too, if, when it arrives, you don’t wanna eat, that’s fine.” Hoseok started dialing the reception’s number. “But I’m not gonna let you starve without trying to change your mind first.” Yoongi hid his smile on the pillow.
Once Hoseok was done talking on the phone, Yoongi got closer to him, laying his head on Hoseok’s lap and looking up. “Hey, I’m sorry for earlier.” He said, fidgeting with his hands.
“It’s fine.” Hoseok sighed. “I just can’t seem to understand you sometimes. It feels like you want to be around and do this thing with me but at the same time don’t.”
Yoongi sat up straight at this, folding his legs under himself like a little child would, and looked Hoseok straight in the eyes. He remained quiet for a bit, looking for a way to say the things that had been clouding up his mind.
“I do... wanna do this with you.’’ He sighed loudly. “It’s just hard, you know? What if they catch us? What if they try to separate us? What if your dream, and mine, get fucked over in this process? I can’t let all our hard work go to waste, no matter how much I love you. Actually, it’s exactly because of that I can’t let this happen to you, because you deserve everything you have ever wished for in this world.” His voice started cracking.
“Yoongi, listen...” Hoseok started, searching for Yoongi’s hands to hold.
“No... let me finish. Please, let me finish.” He begged. Hoseok nodded his head and waited. “I take every bit of love you give me and that still doesn’t feel enough. Sometimes we’re practicing and I wanna kiss you so bad ‘cause I’m so proud of you, and honestly? I wanna show you off. I wanna say “Hey, did you see that? Isn’t him amazing? Yeah, and he’s mine. How fucking lucky of me!”, and... I feel so selfish for wanting that.” Tears were starting to form in his eyes. “I feel so selfish for wanting you, even though I know I could ruin all your happiness.” Yoongi sighed, closing his eyes and staying quiet for a long time after that.
“Are you done?” Hoseok asked, to which Yoongi promptly nodded his head. “Good ‘cause... you’re overthinking, Yoongi. Take ten steps back and breath, please. You can’t keep making all these assumptions and create absurd scenarios in your head, it’s not healthy.” Hoseok squeezed Yoongi’s hands. “I get worried about you, you know? I know being inside my head feels like hell sometimes, but I can’t even imagine what’s like being inside yours...”
Just then they heard a faint knock on the door, someone announcing their delivery had arrived and would be left just outside the room. Hoseok waited a few seconds before getting up and retrieving their food, just to make sure no one would see Yoongi in his room, not in the state he was in at least.
“I know we didn’t finish talking yet, but can we eat while we do it? I’m really hungry and I know you are too.” Hoseok asked, arranging the food next to where Yoongi was sitting.
“Uh... sure. What did you order for me?” Yoongi asked, sounding small again.
“I know how much you like trying the country’s traditional dishes, so yeah... that.” He said, pointing to one of the bowls near Yoongi’s leg.
“Thank you.” Yoongi said after stuffing his mouth with something Hoseok couldn’t even start to describe.
“You’re welcome. As I was saying...” Hoseok continued his trail of thought while he carefully chose what to eat first. “When you get like that, please, come talk to me. Don’t make decisions that have an impact on me without talking to me first. You think I don’t want to hold your hand every chance I get? Do you think stealing glances and slowly gravitating towards each other hoping no one will notice is enough for me? You’re not selfish, Yoongi. If you are then I’m every bit as much as you.” He stopped to munch on his food. “I appreciate your concern, and I’m not gonna be hypocritical and say I don’t think about our dream going down the drain as well, because I do. A lot. But listen, we can manage.”
“And.. how you suggest...” Yoongi stopped to swallow his food. “Ah, better. How do you suggest we manage? Actually, what do you mean by manage?” He inquired.
“We can be discreet. I mean, yeah, we gotta learn to control ourselves and it’s gonna fucking suck, but you know... better than nothing.” He said, shrugging. “The other option is just... stop. Stop whatever it is we’re doing.” He placed his bowl on the bed.
“I don’t wanna stop, sunshine. I really don’t.” Yoongi sounded distressed.
“Good, me neither.” He sighed, feeling more relaxed after hearing Yoongi say that. “But you know, we gotta communicate. You gotta stop being so stubborn for once. I know you’ve never been in a relationship, not truly let’s be honest, but that’s how things are done. People talk, they get through shit together and, believe it or not, they usually get along better after that. Unless you know... they can’t reach an agreement.”
“I’m really sorry for not talking to you.” Yoongi looked ashamed. “I promise I’ll be better, for you.”
“Not only for me, but for yourself also. Stop beating yourself up for things that are out of your control... and you know, beating yourself up in general.” Hoseok stated.
“You’re the one to talk.” Yoongi said putting his bowl down.
“Hey, we‘re not talking about me here, mister. Anyway, are you finished? I’d like to lay down now.” Hoseok asked, getting up and starting to clean his side of the bed.
“Yes, yes. Let me help you.” Yoongi answered.
They were quiet while cleaning things up, Hoseok now and then stopping to look at Yoongi, and Yoongi doing the same. They turned the lights off and laid down, this time together. Yoongi usually preferred being the big spoon, this way he could leave in the morning before everyone else woke up, and no one would know he had spent the night with Hoseok, but this time they switched positions.
“This is... new.” Hoseok mentioned once they got comfortable.
“Yeah... is that a problem?” Yoongi laced their legs together. “I just feel safer like this.”
“It’s ok, you smell great actually.” Hoseok said, nosing Yoongi’s neck. “Do you want to keep talking? Are you feeling better?”
“Can I be honest with you? I don’t wanna talk about it anymore. Not today, at least. You’re right, we’ll manage, as long as we talk things through and keep it low. And yes, I do feel better. You know I don’t deserve you, right?” Yoongi answered confidently this time.
“Well, when am I wrong about something?” Hoseok couldn’t lose the opportunity to mess with Yoongi.
“Go to sleep, sunshine.” Yoongi tried to sound annoyed, but Hoseok could see him smiling in the dark.
“Oh, and baby?” Hoseok cooed.
“Yes?” He could tell Yoongi was already half asleep.
“Your feet are fucking cold.” They both laughed at this, falling asleep shortly after.