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It’s hot inside their rehearsal room when they’re finally finished for the day. It’s been weeks of preparation for their debut, but it never feels quite enough. Hoseok combs his fingers through his hair and feels the sweat cling to his hand. He’s dripping wet, his shirt once white now almost a see through. He looks around the room, searching for his stuff so he can return to their dormitory, and spots Yoongi eyeing him.
“Hey, hyung. Tough day, right?” Hoseok says as he approaches Yoongi. “Thought it would never end.” He laughs, scratching his head and tilting it to the side.
“If it was tough for you, imagine how it was for us mere mortals.” Yoongi finally moves, gathering his things from the ground. “By the fourth round I couldn’t feel my legs anymore, I don’t know how I’m still standing and not dead on the ground.” He smiles after saying this, just his gums and the tiniest glimpse of his teeth showing.
“Do you need me to carry you to the dorm?” Hoseok laughs and starts walking towards the exit, his things next to the door.
Yoongi wonders distantly if Hoseok is being serious. He knows he must be tired from all that dancing, but he looks as energized as ever, like someone plugged him on a charger or something. He watches the way Hoseok’s body moves when he walks mesmerized, the shirt he’s wearing leaving little to the imagination now that’s wet. If Yoongi was being honest, he had missed his mark on the choreography a few times because he couldn’t look away from Hoseok’s body or the way he carried himself while dancing, like he knew he was owning every move, like there was an audience, one who only had eyes for him.
“Hyung? Are you ok?” Hoseok said, looking back over his shoulder. He was crouched near his backpack, apparently searching for something.
“Yes, sorry. Just spaced out.” Yoongi answered, approaching Hoseok. “Lost something?”
“Yeah, can’t seem to find my hoodie. Somebody must have taken it thinking it was theirs.” He sighs, sitting on the floor and combing his fingers through his hair once again. Yoongi stares at the way Hoseok’s hair moves, it’s been months since he had the opportunity to touch it, and he still remembers how soft it had felt on his hands.
“Well,” He clears his throat, searching for a way to center himself on the now. “It’s cold as fuck outside.” Yoongi drops his backpack to the floor near Hoseok and starts opening it. “Lucky for you, I have something you can wear.”
“No, hyung. There’s no need. I’ll just run home, that’ll keep me warm and in shape.” Hoseok quickly stands up, reaching for the door.
Yoongi thinks about reaching and grabbing Hoseok’s arm. He thinks about maybe putting more force on it than it’s necessary just so he will end up holding Yoongi by the shoulders for support. If that did happen, it would probably be the closest they had been to each other since New Year’s Eve.
“Don’t be stupid. You’ll just get a cold, or something worse.” Hoseok turns to look at him. “Take it. It’s not like I’m giving you the one I’m wearing and you’ll be the one to blame if I get a cold.”
Hoseok reaches for the hoodie still hesitant. “I’ll return it to you as soon as we arrive at the dorm, I promise.” He starts putting it on and misses the fond smile that Yoongi gives him, one he can’t seem to hide despite trying really hard to.
“You better wash it first.” Yoongi says, elbowing him when they go through the exit. “I don’t want it back smelling like a day’s worth of sweat.”
Hoseok stops on his tracks and, once Yoongi notices it and looks back, he acts like he’s in the military. “Sir, yes, sir.” And as soons as it’s out of his mouth they both start laughing, Yoongi pushing him away playfully.
The walk to their dorm is mostly quiet, they exchange a few words about how they’re excited for their debut, how things are going to change, but something feels off between them. Yoongi has, in his life, experienced comfortable silence with a few people, Hoseok being one of them, but now he’s not so sure anymore about where they stand. Yes, they had kissed and it turned into something else quickly, and yes he had spent the night curled up against Hoseok after it in his tiny bed, but once the sun had risen he had woken up alone, feeling like he had dreamed everything that had happened. He knew he hadn’t when he had buried his face in his pillow and could still smell the faintest traces of Hoseok’s perfume. Thinking about that day still made him feel abandoned and unwanted.
“Hyung?” Hoseok called him out of his reverie, his voice sounding soft and low. “Are you sure you’re okay? I’ve been calling you since we’ve arrived and you seemed somewhere else the whole time.”
“Yes, sorry. Just have a lot on my mind I guess.” Yoongi made a move to open the door but Hoseok stopped him. They stared at each other for some time until Yoongi decided to break the silence. “I mean it. I’m not sick or anything.”
“If you need to talk to someone, I’m always here for you.” Hoseok said, smiling. Funny what intimacy does, Yoongi thought. He could tell right away that Hoseok’s smile never quite reached his eyes, a telltale that he was upset but trying to not seem so. “I mean it, hyung.”
“I’ll keep that in mind.” Yoongi felt his chest getting heavy and his stomach turning into knots. “Maybe this time you won’t leave me alone.” He said it all at once hoping Hoseok wouldn’t hear him.
“What do you mean, hyung?” Hoseok said, looking worried.
“It’s nothing.” Yoongi sighed, entering the building and leaving Hoseok behind.
He had never run up those flights of stairs so quickly. He had hoped maybe Hoseok would chase him and they would finally talk about that day, but it never happened. Hoseok standed very still, still outside of the building, dumbstruck. He could feel tears starting to form in his eyes, his whole face turned into a deep frown. The only thing on his mind was what had Yoongi meant and why did he sound so damn hurt over it. He distantly wondered if this was about the New Year’s Eve, but quickly dismissed it, trying not to think about that day. He wanted to run after Yoongi and ask him what that had been all about, but felt like it wasn’t the right time to do it. Yoongi would probably come to him when he was feeling up to it and they would talk things through, he thought.
Yoongi took his time in the shower. He could feel the hot water relaxing his muscles, but his throat still felt dry, his body trembling now and then, his hands restless. He hated feeling that way and he just knew he wouldn’t be getting any sleep that night. He stepped out of the bathroom and almost hit someone on his way out. He was in the middle of starting to apologize when he noticed it was Hoseok he had hit unintentionally, and just made his way to the bedroom as quickly as he could without even opening his mouth. Hoseok for the second time that night felt like crying, but blamed it on his shoulder that was hurting from the impact and just being too tired to function properly.
Yoongi entered his room and felt a bit safer. There he could just close off from the world and enjoy his misery without having to worry if someone would see it. As soon as his head hit the pillow, his mind was flooded with images from earlier, Hoseok dancing, them talking for a moment like nothing had changed, and the way it all spiraled down very quickly after. Rationally he knew Hoseok was upset, he knew he was suffering as well and doing a poor job of hiding it, but that little voice kept screaming inside his head that Hoseok didn’t care and he had fucked up one of his few friendships over a stupid crush. Okay, maybe a bit more than a crush, but he would never admit it out loud.
The next few days Hoseok did all he could to avoid being in the same room as Yoongi alone. The tension between them was thick enough to cut through, the air heavy with questions unanswered and it just made him feel miserable. He wanted to reach out, but Yoongi felt so distant and he wasn’t so sure it was not something he was making up in his head as an excuse to not go and talk to him. He thought many times of just coming by his room under the pretense of returning his hoodie and maybe, just maybe, Yoongi would talk to him. End that terrible cold war between them of who could keep it in longer, who could pretend better things were just fine. He never did though, the hoodie stayed hidden in the bottom of his closet, somewhere he wouldn’t have to look at it every time he opened it up in search for something to wear.
It was all over on a Wednesday night. Yoongi had asked Jimin to help him with a particular step on the choreography but Jimin just felt too tired and wanted to go home. Yoongi had pleaded with him, but Jimin told him to ask Hoseok instead, already calling the other over.
“Hyung, can you help Yoongi hyung with the choreography? You know it better than I do, and I really really wanna go home.” Jimin said, pouting at Hoseok and using his cutest voice.
“Yeah, sure. You go rest, but you owe me one.” He answered, already regretting his decision when he looked at Yoongi and could see him frowning.
They both waited for the others to leave before starting. Hoseok couldn’t stop moving around checking if everything was in the right place just so he wouldn’t have to talk to Yoongi, not yet at least. Yoongi stayed in the middle of the room, looking down at his hands, while Hoseok moved around. He couldn’t seem to stop fidgeting once the talking in the room had died out and he was sure it was just the both of them alone there.
“Hyung can you show me how you do it first?” Hoseok asked softly, getting closer to him. “Then I can see just exactly what it is you’re getting wrong.”
Yoongi just nodded, not trusting his voice, and waited for Hoseok to turn on the music. Once he did, Yoongi started dancing. He could feel he was out of rhythm, his dancing way worse than before. Hoseok’s presence was making him nervous and he couldn’t focus. He was almost finishing his part when the music stopped.
“Hyung, we gotta talk.” Hoseok said, looking at him through the mirror.
“Well, I knew it was bad, but you actually look worried.” His voice sounded weak and not like himself at all. “Are you going to tell me to just give up?” He sighed, sitting on the floor with his hands covering his face.
“No. You’re actually pretty good when you’re focused. That’s not it.” Hoseok sat in front of him. “We need to talk about the other night.”
“What’s there to talk about?” Yoongi dropped his hands from his face to his lap then, looking Hoseok straight in the eyes.
“You said something about me leaving you alone once, what was that all about?” Hoseok asked, trying to sound as calm as possible.
“That was nothing, I was just upset.” Hoseok quirked an eyebrow at this. “Not... not with you. Just upset.”
“Then why didn’t we talk ever since?” Hoseok was trying to keep the question he really wanted to ask inside. Why have things between us been so complicated lately? Was it something I did?
“I don’t know.” Yoongi shrugged. “You didn’t talk to me after that... and, well, you know how I’m like. I’m just a quiet person in general.”
“That’s bullshit and you know it.” Hoseok looked angry. “What’s really going on, hyung?” He pleaded, reaching for Yoongi’s hand. Yoongi pulled his hand away like it was just burned and Hoseok couldn’t help but feel rejected. He felt his throat close and the familiar urge to cry, but tried to ignore it.
“Well, fuck.” He looked startled. “Don’t cry, Hoseokie. I’m sorry, you just surprised me.” He tried reaching for Hoseok but he was already standing up. “Hey, please, let’s talk.”
“No, hyung. I’m going home. I’m sick of this.” He said, making his way to the door and out.
Yoongi stayed in the floor, speechless. He heard the door close behind Hoseok and immediately broke down in tears. It had been so long since he had last cried, the feeling almost foreign to him. At the same time it felt cathartic, he just felt awful. Hoseok had tried to talk to him but he just couldn’t help but act like an asshole. He had offered a way out and Yoongi chose willingly to make it worse. For fuck’s sake, he even managed to make Hoseok cry, the moment forever burned behind his eyelids. If anything he was sure he never wanted to see that happen again.
Hoseok reached the dorm and immediately made his way to the bathroom. He just wanted to take a bath and lay down, forget that day had ever existed. His eyes were still stinging from crying all the way home, tear tracks cold but still burning from the wind they had caught outside. He could feel a mild headache forming once he stepped into the shower, but tried to ignore it focusing on the hot water, too hot on any other day, but just what he needed to feel numb now. By the time he left the bathroom, Yoongi had already arrived. On his way to his room he could see the older’s door closed, a piano piece playing low on the other side. His stomach turned into a million knots and he walked faster, the urge to start crying again hitting him as soon as he closed his bedroom door. Maybe they would never talk things through, maybe they would just act politely around each other and that was it. No longer friends, or anything else.
Not even classical music seemed to quiet Yoongi’s thoughts, he kept trashing around in his bed trying to sleep. He could swear he was being punished by a higher power, because Hoseok’s smell was all over his room, and that felt appropriated to him. Being punished for hurting Hoseok to the point of making him cry felt right, justified.
It was around 3 A.M when Hoseok heard a faint knock on his door. He had given up on sleeping hours ago, and thought maybe one of the guys was feeling just as restless and heard music outside his door while wandering around in the hallway. He got up slowly and opened the door, surprised by who was standing on the other side of it.
“I know I’m probably the last person you want to see right now, but can we please talk?” Yoongi whispered, looking down once they made eye contact. “I want to... apologize.”
“I don’t know, hyung.” Hoseok said, moving back and forth on the heels of his feet. “I don’t know if I want to listen.”
“Please, Hoseokie. Please.” Yoongi’s voice cracked and Hoseok opened the door further for him.
Yoongi looked lost and unsure where to stand inside Hoseok’s room. “You can sit on the bed, hyung.” Yoongi released the breath he was holding then, sitting on the edge of the bed.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to act like an asshole today.” He started, playing with his hands and still not looking at Hoseok. “I’m not good at telling people what I feel. I...” He made a long pause then, his voice sounding small and insecure when he spoke again. “Why did you leave me that night?”
“Which night, hyung?” Hoseok sat on the bed near Yoongi. He clasped his hands and put them on top of his thighs.
“Oh.” Yoongi sounded wounded and Hoseok just wanted to kiss him. “You don’t remember. It’s fine. I’m just sorry about today, okay? I’ll let you sleep now.”
This time when Hoseok reached for Yoongi’s hand, Yoongi intertwined their fingers together. “You’re talking about New Year’s Eve, right?” Yoongi nodded and waited for Hoseok to continue. “Honestly? I freaked out. I had never kissed a guy before, or anything really with a guy before. I had never felt the urge to kiss someone so bad like that night and that... scared me. The whole time I felt scared, but at the same time I wanted it. I wanted it every bit as much as you did.”
“You could have talked to me, you know that? Waking up alone... I just felt...” Yoongi trailed off and Hoseok waited for him to finish. “Unwanted.”
“I’m sorry, hyung. That was not my intention. When I laid down on my bed that morning it felt so strange. I missed your warmth. Your bed is so small, but that night, for some reason, it felt so comfortable.” Hoseok squeezed his hand and Yoongi finally looked up for the first time since he had sat down.
“I liked having you in my arms. I could still smell you in my pillow when I woke up.” Yoongi confessed. “Is this too much? Am I scaring you?”
“A bit? Maybe? I don’t know, hyung.” Hoseok sighed. “This feels really strange, but so good at the same time. I love being around you and I’d be lying if I said I haven’t missed you at all in the past days... But I need to take things slow, I guess.”
“Yeah, I understand. I’m being selfish pushing you like this, expecting things you’re not ready to give me just ‘cause I am ready to give them to you.” Yoongi nodded, letting go of Hoseok’s hands. “I’ll give you all the time that you want. I won’t bother you about it, I promise.”
They went quiet after that. Yoongi could almost see Hoseok analyzing his words, maybe looking for a hidden meaning, maybe thinking of giving it all up and telling Yoongi he wanted to remain just friends. Their situation wasn’t exactly ideal and he couldn’t blame Hoseok if he decided just that. Just when Yoongi was about to stand up and leave Hoseok with his thoughts, Hoseok looked at him. Really looked at him. He reached out and stroked Yoongi’s cheek with his thumb, his eyes dropping from Yoongi’s to his mouth.
“Hyung.” He looked at him in the eyes again, licked his lips slowly. “Can you... can you kiss me again?
Yoongi didn’t even think twice about it. He grabbed Hoseok’s hand, the one that was resting on his cheek, and slowly reached forward. He could feel Hoseok’s breath on his mouth as he got closer and stopped, his doubts coming back full force for a moment. “Are you sure?”
Hoseok never answered him, instead he closed the gap between the both of them. It was just a brief touching of lips, but Yoongi could feel Hoseok’s taste once again and it felt like coming home to him. Hoseok was home to him. And if you asked Hoseok, Yoongi felt exactly the same to him. Like feeling safe once you finally arrive home after a long and stressful day. He could already feel the heavy weight of the past weeks being lifted off of his chest.
“I...” Hoseok said, once Yoongi parted from him, a smile on his lips. “I wanna do that again, is that alright?” He sighed, shaking his head slightly. “I really wanna do that again, please, hyung.”
“Yes.” Yoongi laughed, feeling relieved for the first time in weeks. “Yes, you can do that again. Please do that as many times as you want.” They both laughed at that before resuming their kissing, always soft, so different from the night they had shared in the New Year’s Eve. That night Yoongi could feel heat taking over his body immediately, and now he just felt happy, safe.
When the next morning came, Yoongi opened his eyes startled, afraid Hoseok had left him once again, feeling different now that the sun was up. He was happy to find that Hoseok was still very much between his arms, breathing calm, still sleeping. He had the urge to kiss his nape, bury his nose there and feel the smell that was definitely Hoseok’s and nothing else, but decided against it, not wanting to wake the other up. It was just a few moments later that Hoseok stretched.
“Good morning, hyung.” Yoongi could hear the smile on his lips. It took some time to Hoseok speak up again, basking in Yoongi’s warmth. “You should probably go, even though I don’t want you to. The guys might get suspicious.” He said, now sounding a little upset.
“Yeah, I probably should.” Yoongi agreed, disentangling himself from Hoseok, the both of them getting up.
“Oh, wait. Before I forget, I have two things for you.” Hoseok said. He searched inside his closet, after some time finding what he was looking for. “Your hoodie, hyung.”
Yoongi smiled fondly at him. “You can keep that.” Hoseok eyebrows shot up in surprise. “I mean it, if I feel like using it, I’ll ask it back. But for now...” Yoongi stopped, scratching his head. “Yeah, keep it.”
Hoseok tried to hide his smile as best as he could, turning once again to put the hoodie back on his closet. He padded slowly to where Yoongi was standing. “I hope this you won’t tell me to keep it to myself.” He slowly leaned to kiss Yoongi once again, just in case Yoongi didn’t want to kiss him, alternating between looking at his mouth and his eyes. He stopped once he saw Yoongi was gonna say something.
“Let me.” And this time Yoongi was the one to kiss him, both hands cupping his face, gentle as ever, but Hoseok could feel his want behind it. Yoongi stopped though, not wanting to push Hoseok too hard. “Yeah, definitely a good morning.” He kissed Hoseok’s forehead before he left the room, a smile so big on his face it almost hurt.