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Maybe giving up spending the New Year’s Eve with his family was a bit of a hasty decision. He could blame the way Hoseok sounded on the phone, but honestly Yoongi knew they weren’t that close yet to justify the fact that he had just left his family, bought a whole chicken with the little money he had, and ran back to the dorms.
He felt this attraction to the boy, kinda like being pulled by a magnet, and he just couldn’t say no to him. He didn’t even sound that distressed on the phone, but for some reason Yoongi knew there was something underneath that “I’m really fine, hyung.” demeanor. Hoseok tended to smile all the time and give off this positive vibe, but every time they were alone it was like he didn’t feel the need to pretend. He would sit down and talk to Yoongi, say that he didn’t think he would make it past the cut, that maybe he should search for another company, just become a dancer and forget about singing – now rapping! –, spare his family the shame and waste of money and pursue a diploma, an office job, anything. And Yoongi really, really, wanted to hit him, ‘cause, honestly, there was no one better than Hoseok there. Was there ever going to be someone better than Hoseok? He didn’t think so, but he also thought he shouldn’t be thinking that way about someone he had just met.
So he knocked on their dorm door, because in between balancing the chicken in one hand, the drinks in another, and all the layers of clothes he was wearing, it was really difficult reaching for his keys, and hoped Hoseok wouldn’t just kick him out under the excuse he should be with his family, ‘cause he prefered to be alone than to be with Yoongi. He waited, not at all patiently, just fidgeting from one side to the other, until he saw that the door was opening slowly, just a fraction of the interior in his sight.
He couldn’t see Hoseok through the minimal crack he had opened but he could see his little feet hiding. Maybe he was scared it was someone trying to rob the dorm, hurt him or something. It was pretty late after all.
“Hoseokie? It’s me. Just me.” He said, shifting from one feet to another. It was starting to get pretty discomfortable waiting outside the door, his clothes not seeming enough to keep him from freezing.
“Yoongi hyung? What the... what are you doing here?” Hoseok opened the door fully then.
He looked cute, Yoongi thought. Hair a bit of a mess, his pajama pants not matching his shirt at all, and different socks on his feet. And as much as he would have liked to voice that, maybe it would scare Hoseok off, and also he didn’t even knew where that was coming from so he just pushed the thoughts to the back of his head.
“Hm.... hyung? Aren’t you freezing?” Hoseok said after some time, the way Yoongi was looking at him, eyes all soft and a little smile on his lips made Hoseok feel some kind of way he couldn’t explain. He could feel his cheeks heating up, but maybe it was just the cold air hitting his face.
“Actually I am. Let me in, please.” Yoongi replied, already pushing past Hoseok and going straight to the dinner table, placing the chicken and soju that he was holding on it.
Hoseok closed the door and went after him. “You still haven’t answered me.” He said, crossing his arms and staring at Yoongi’s back.
Yoongi diligently chose to take his coat off first, hanging it with the utmost patience, seeing the way Hoseok shifted now and then, watching him, waiting for an answer. There was something about pushing Hoseok’s buttons sometimes that made him giggly. Especially cause the younger could get very impatient from time to time and Yoongi liked to see him showing something other than this mask he hid beneath.
How he had noticed that about Hoseok in such short time remained a mystery. He would never admit it but sometimes, when Hoseok would come and sit and try to learn something from writing lyrics or producing, he would spend most of his time just eyeing Hoseok and memorizing his reactions. He would always praise Yoongi’s work at the end of the day and then get real shy about it, teasing Yoongi endlessly, almost like he wanted to take back what he said, go back to the light teasing, pushing and pulling between them. Something comfortable, safe, known.
“Well, I didn’t want you to be alone.” He said after putting down plates for them and getting glasses.
“Oh, so you speak.” Hoseok said, ready to continue his snarky remark until the words registered on his brain. His arms dropping to his sides. “Wait, what?”
“You heard me. Sit down, let’s eat before the chicken gets cold and we gotta heat it up and it just tastes... awful.” Yoongi replied, not looking Hoseok in the eyes, much more interested in just eating already, his stomach complaining.
“Hyung, you didn’t need to. I mean, why aren’t you with your family? I was already almost asleep, actually.” Hoseok said, nervously.
He didn’t mean to be a bother to Yoongi. Had he known he would never have told him he was spending the eve alone in the dorm. He just wanted to practice all that he could and going home wasn’t an option so, why not stay at the dorm? If he was unsupervised he could practice until his feet literally started bleeding and no one – Yoongi – would know, no one – Yoongi – would be there to scold him.
“Are you saying you don’t want me here?” He had never heard Yoongi sound anything but calm, his voice soothing even, but now, it was different. No bite behind what he said, but still something akin to bitterness lacing his words. He was looking Hoseok dead in the eyes, waiting, and that made Hoseok anxious.
“No, no, no, no, hyung. It’s just... you went through all this trouble for me. You didn’t have to. I didn’t lie to you on the phone, I am fine. You should be with your family and I’m just... you know? Being a burden. I’m sorry.” Hoseok blurted out.
“Hoseokie.” Yoongi reached for his hand, the touch soft and foreign between them up until now. “It’s okay. I wanted to come. You’re never a burden, shut up. Please, sit down and eat with me.”
Yoongi was rubbing circles with his thumb on Hoseok’s hand before he even had the time to realize he was doing it. When he did, something inside him snapped and he released Hoseok’s hand almost as if it burned him. Maybe it was too much, it sure felt like it. Yoongi had touched other people like that before, for fuck’s sake it was just holding hands, but with Hoseok, in that moment, it felt a lot more than that. For the first time, he didn’t want to see Hoseok’s reaction. For the first time he was genuinely afraid of what he would find painted across Hoseok’s features. It was somehow easier baring his feelings through his music and show Hoseok his vulnerable side than holding his hand when they were alone like that.
If Yoongi had looked he would’ve seen first the way Hoseok’s shoulders had relaxed as soon as he had held his hand. Or maybe if he only focused on Hoseok’s eyes he would see something there almost shining through, crinkles forming ‘cause his lips were smiling softly, unknowingly to Hoseok, almost like a knee jerk reflex. Then, as he was just about to drop Hoseok’s hand, he would’ve seen the way Hoseok’s eyes dropped to where their hands joined, transfixed by it. Maybe he wouldn’t have liked what came next, something akin to hurt crossing Hoseok’s eyes as soon as Yoongi retrieved his hand, maybe that would have made him fall further into a pit that was filled with “What’s going on tonight? Why does the mood feel strange?”.
Hoseok, ever the best skilled at social interactions, continued their conversation like nothing had happened, shortly after, as Yoongi was busying himself with the food. Because nothing had happened, right? There was no need to be awkward about it. Or at least that’s what they were both telling themselves.
“Where exactly did you get the money to buy all this, hyung?” Hoseok asked, as he sat down, reaching for the plate Yoongi had already served for him.
“I had some money I was saving up, actually.” Yoongi answered, stuffing his mouth with food, eagerly enjoying the little luxury he had just allowed himself and Hoseok to have. He stopped chewing and continued. “And I thought… Well why not? Consider it your “Welcome to the family!” present. Or a late christmas one, I don’t know.”
“Thank you, hyung. I’m gonna repay you somehow, I just don’t know when.” Hoseok smiled at Yoongi, but Yoongi could see a little bit of distress there.
“Don’t worry about it, Hoseokie. Just enjoy your food and it’ll be enough.” Yoongi said, but he felt like it still wasn’t enough to express himself.
He needed something more, something that made Hoseok understand, but everything that came to mind felt like too much. Too raw. Too out there . And he didn’t even realize he was saying something until he heard his own words ring through the room.
“Just your company is enough for me.” And then it was indeed out there. He couldn’t take it back and honestly, he felt exposed. Vulnerable in a way he didn’t know he could be.
Hoseok didn’t know how to answer to that. He never felt at a loss for words, but Yoongi always managed to render him silent. Yoongi always managed to make Hoseok feel things he had never felt before. And as much as he appreciated all the inspiration and the whole experiencing new feelings thing, he was scared shitless. They barely knew each other, yet it felt like they had always known each other.
Everything and nothing felt like a good idea around Yoongi, so he drank. Even though he knows he’s a lightweight. Even though he knows his tongue gets loose and that he would probably embarrass himself. Even though Yoongi just looked at him with a face that said “Are you sure?” when he drank the first sip, and that made him want to lower the glass. He drank, and Yoongi drank too, and the conversation between them suddenly flowed naturally.
They moved to the bedroom, sitting like two children on the floor and exchanging stories of when they were little. Sometimes Yoongi would just stop what he was doing, pull out his phone, and show Hoseok something he had been listening lately and that had really helped him write. Other times Hoseok would get up and mimic the way Yoongi kept doing that one move wrong in their choreography or how he looked like when they were dancing in general.
“How do you even know what I look like dancing?” Yoongi asked, looking up from the floor to where Hoseok was standing, near the wall now, after his brain cells decided to process what the younger had been saying and doing for the last twenty minutes.
“They record us, and I like to watch myself so I can get things perfectly done. For some reason I always end up watching you dance too.” Hoseok was getting flustered by the minute as he confessed that, but he hoped Yoongi would dismiss his carmin colored cheeks as just a natural reaction to the alcohol in his system. He crossed his arms and smiled at Yoongi.
“Ok and, your professional opinion about it is what? That I suck?” Yoongi stood up then, getting closer to Hoseok. “That as a dancer, I’m a pretty good singer?” They both laughed at that.
“Honestly? You’re pretty good, hyung. You just don’t let the music take over you, you remain focused exactly in what you need to do, what the steps are. Unless…” Hoseok stopped himself, looking for something in Yoongi’s eyes, maybe disapproval, but never quite finding it. He dropped his arms to his sides before continuing. “... when you’re having fun with it, you know? And then it’s really cute? You start smiling and your gums show and yeah, it’s kinda cute, yeah.” Hoseok breathed out, like that would ease the knot in his throat, and lowered his gaze to the ground.
“Oh.” And that was all Yoongi’s brain could muster at the time. Hoseok had just said he was cute. Like two times. He was so not freaking out. He told people they were cute all the time and it didn’t mean anything, right? So Hoseok probably didn’t mean anything. It was just his hopes getting in the way of his best judgement when he thought Hoseok almost looked uncertain while saying it. Like it was a thought too scary to voice out, but he had to do it anyway. That’s why he had to check. “You think I’m cute?”
“Ye- I mean, no…. I mean, when you dance, yeah.” Hoseok stuttered. “And when… you know, you scrunch up your nose like something just doesn’t smell right and you don’t like the situation you were put into.” Hoseok pointed at Yoongi’s nose.
“Like this you mean?” Yoongi scrunched up his nose.
And then he smiled and yeah, maybe it was the whole bringing him chicken, and the soju in his blood, Hoseok thought, but he could be falling a bit in love right there. And it didn’t feel wrong, it felt strangely familiar, actually. He had always thought Yoongi was cute, but now he looked… beautiful, if a man could ever be described that. He looked beautiful in a soft kind of way, tiny teeth that matched his small cat-like eyes and a little button nose that was anything but delicate, and it made Hoseok want to kiss him all over. Leave a little kiss on his forehead, on his nose, on his cute cheeks, on his mouth.
“Yeah.” He answered and suddenly he noticed he was trapped. Leaning against the wall wasn’t the best idea when Yoongi was this close , and smelled like heaven and he really, really wanted to kiss him. Now that he had given the thought a chance to imprint itself on his mind he couldn’t help but notice that Yoongi’s lips indeed looked really plush, and pink, and inviting. Too inviting. He probably shouldn’t stare at it for too long, too.
“You’re cute Seokseokie.” Yoongi said, not at all noticing how Hoseok was looking at him. He was trying his best not to blush under the compliments of the younger.
Yoongi knew he could lie to everyone, but at the end of the day he couldn’t lie to himself. He had a tiny – huge – crush on Hoseok, and it wasn’t funny anymore. It wasn’t particularly funny right now ‘cause the already small room only seemed smaller, and Hoseok looked like too much of a good bad idea. Too much like something Yoongi had been searching but had never quite found up until now.
“Nah, I’m not. You don’t need to say that, hyung. I know I’m not the most good looking guy, but I like to think I can make it up with other things.” Hoseok smiled, sagging against the wall, but it was sad. It never reached his eyes and he just shook his head while doing it, trying to dismiss Yoongi.
“Yes, you are? Are you kidding me, Hoseok? Have you seen yourself? You’re like really delicate looking. Like someone sculpted you from scratch. You shouldn’t even be possible .” Yoongi felt his blood boiling. How could Hoseok not know that? Who had told him otherwise? “Your smile, Seok-ah… Fuck. People write songs about that, you know? You’re like beautiful, or whatever. Yeah.” Yoongi said it like a man trying to say his last words, except he only got like two seconds and had to make the most of it.
This time he didn’t miss the way Hoseok stared at his lips before eyeing him. His eyes now different, not so soft anymore, albeit some adoration still lingered there. Yoongi couldn’t decipher that look, and what it meant, and it scared him. Hoseok stood up straight and although he was the one standing against a wall, Yoongi was the one now feeling trapped, small. Had he said too much? Was Hoseok angry with him?
“Are you serious, Yoongi? Or are you just saying that?” Hoseok asked him. Hoseok asked him, without honorifics. He must be pissed off, Yoongi thought.
It was quite impressive how many negative thoughts Yoongi’s brain was capable of creating in such a short amount of time: Hoseok hated him now, Hoseok knew, Hoseok probably wanted him gone, Hoseok knew, he had made things awkward and Hoseok wouldn’t ever treat him the same, Hoseok knew. And he wanted to hide, take the words back. He wanted Hoseok to stop looking at him like that while expecting an answer.
“I’m sorry, Hoseok. I didn’t mean to offend you or anything.” Yoongi replied.
“Why are you apologizing exactly?” Hoseok carded his fingers through his hair, the odd look still crossing his features now and then. “And you didn’t answer my question too. Please, hyung.”
And the way Hoseok said hyung, the way his voice shaped the word, melodically, almost like a child asking his mother for candy when he had one too many, made Yoongi crumble. It was like Hoseok knew the effect it would have on him. Like Hoseok had already figured Yoongi out, and he felt naked.
“Yeah, hyung meant every word.” Why he had suddenly referred to himself in the third person he had no idea, but Hoseok softened at that and he was glad. “I’m apologizing ‘cause… I don’t know. You seemed angry at me, and I didn’t like it.”
“See? You’re cute.” Hoseok replied and looked down.
So cute, too cute. Too much to handle, ‘cause Yoongi’s praise had gone straight to Hoseok’s head, and it was already too much five minutes ago, now it was just unbearable to hold his thoughts back. If he just leaned a little bit he would be almost kissing Yoongi. He would feel his breathing hitting his lips softly, he would be able to count all the little moles in Yoongi’s face while he waited for Yoongi to connect their lips or push him away. And that would be fine too, ‘cause at least he would have gotten that close to Yoongi once. It felt enough for Hoseok to be so close just once.
“Hoseok? Can you look at me, please?” Yoongi’s almost whispered plea made Hoseok raise his head.
Yoongi stepped closer to Hoseok, and Hoseok felt all the air leave his lungs. Yoongi was shaking, but Hoseok couldn’t see it, he was overwhelmed, his eyes resembling deer’s when the headlights hit them.
“Thank you.” And Yoongi touched him.
Yoongi’s hand connected with Hoseok’s cheek and they both felt burned, electricity spreading through their bodies. Yoongi was so nervous he was sure Hoseok could feel his fingers trembling against his skin. It felt just so intimate, so different, so new, being this close to Hoseok. Like finding something new you could fall in love everyday, listening to a song and discovering it had that extra ad-lib you had never noticed, just the right amount of bass in the right place, coming together and making something beautiful. Hoseok was even more beautiful up close. A warm reassurance underneath Yoongi’s cold hand, and the way the crimson blush spread across his cheeks would always be engraved in Yoongi’s memory. He had made Hoseok blush, he had that effect in him, and he didn’t care if it was embarrassment or desire, he would take all the little victories he could. Right now it was enough for him, even if Hoseok never talked or even looked his way again.
Hoseok closed his eyes, he didn’t feel capable of looking at Yoongi. He had never felt that way before, and yeah, he was freaking out, but it felt like a distant feeling. Something that would only nag at him in the morning after, ‘cause Yoongi felt right, in all ways possible in this moment, and this moment was all that mattered.
“Hoseok? Why are you scrunching up your eyebrows like that? Is something wrong?” Yoongi made move to retrieve his hand, but Hoseok held it against his cheek this time, not wanting for the touch to be over.
“No.” He said, opening his eyes. “I feel like my whole body is in pain, but not in a bad way. I don’t know how to explain it.” He paused and exhaled. “I really wanna do something about what’s causing this pain, but honestly? I’m afraid, Yoongi.”
There it was again. Hoseok kept dropping honorifics and that really made Yoongi want to kiss him. If it was even possible to want to kiss someone more than he already wanted to kiss Hoseok.
“What is it? Tell hyung. Hyung will help you, Seok-ah.” Yoongi started caressing Hoseok’s cheek, trying to calm him down.
“I…” Hoseok breathed in. He could say it now or forever hold, kinda. It sure felt like it. “I really wanna kiss you, hyung. But if it’s strange or makes you feel– ”
Yoongi connected their lips before Hoseok could even finish his sentence, the action fast, but not made with force. The moment their lips touched it was so soft Yoongi wanted to melt against Hoseok. Hoseok’s lips felt like heaven, slotted perfectly between Yoongi’s, like they were made to kiss each other. Hoseok’s hands rested on his waist suddenly and he was caught by surprise, a good surprise. Hoseok was taking control, exchanging their positions and pressing Yoongi against the wall. Suddenly Hoseok was everywhere, his hands squeezing Yoongi’s waist, his smell clouding Yoongi’s judgement, his tongue slowly licking Yoongi’s upper lip, Hoseok’s way of asking for more. And Yoongi, he was a simple man really, how could he say no to that? He opened his mouth and let Hoseok ruin him. That’s what was really happening, ‘cause he knew that from that moment on he wouldn’t want to kiss anybody else.
Hoseok licked into his mouth like he wanted to know all the places Yoongi was hiding, what made him feel especially good. His taste was addicting and he couldn’t get enough of Hoseok, his hand now pulling the younger’s hair, spurring him on. He bit Hoseok’s bottom lip tentatively and that made Hoseok bite him back, his hands leaving their permanent place around his waist to roam around, explore. It felt like they were memorizing each other’s bodies, smell, taste. Like they wouldn’t get a second chance at that the moment they had to stop to breathe, and that moment was approaching fast. Yoongi could feel his lungs complaining, but at the same time he couldn’t care less. If he had a say he would die right there, his lips slotted against Hoseok’s, his body held by this overbearing and warm presence that had made him feel wanted. But Hoseok had other plans.
“Yoongi…” He said, breathless. “Yoongi.” He leaned his forehead against the older one.
“Yeah?” Yoongi replied, not recognizing his own voice.
“That was…” Hoseok trailed off and started laughing.
Yoongi felt like laughing too, dizzy, intoxicated by Hoseok. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted from his chest and he could see things clearly now. Hoseok had wanted him. Hoseok had kissed him back, enthusiastically even. Hoseok had complimented him in a way nobody had before, at least no one he had cared for.
“Yeah.” He said between laughs. “You’re a damn good kisser. Congrats, I guess.”
Hoseok hummed. He felt like words were escaping him faster by the second. There was no way he could describe what Yoongi had done to him. What Yoongi felt like, tasted like. He felt different after the kiss, like the little voice that always nagged at him was gone, and that now he was enough. He was good.
“You too, hyung. You too.”
And they both laughed again. Feeling almost like they were out of their bodies, floating together. Time didn’t matter, although they could feel sleep taking over their tired bones. It was just them and their little piece of heaven in that moment.
“Seok-ah, this is comfortable and all, but…” Yoongi started saying after some time.
“Yeah, can I lay down with you?” Hoseok asked, looking him in the eyes, and seeming so small again.
“Of course you can.” Yoongi replied, and gave Hoseok’s lips a peck before moving towards the bed.
His bed was small, too small to fit them both, but he wasn’t gonna start complaining that Hoseok wanted to spend the night with him. Yes, the position was a bit awkward, Hoseok’s legs were too big and unless he folded them they kept falling off the bed, but it felt good to hug him from behind, one arm wrapped around his waist. He could run his fingers through Hoseok’s hair and hear his little appreciative noises now and then, sounding almost like a cat when it’s pleased. He just kept talking to Hoseok until none of his words made sense and he could feel sleep taking him. He felt warm, cared for, safe, and nothing would be able to lull him faster to sleep than that. He was already out by the time Hoseok decided to get up and go to his room.
Hoseok sat on the bed and stared at Yoongi sleeping for a while. He brushed the hair out of the older one’s eyes, careful not to disturb his sleep. The doubts from before were now creeping up on him, making him feel trapped. He wanted to bask himself in Yoongi’s affection and warmth, just stay there and enjoy the moment, but it felt wrong. Too foreign suddenly, and he just had to get out of there. He needed space. He needed time to think, breath. He kissed Yoongi’s forehead as a goodbye, and got up.
As he was reaching for the door, he gave one final look at Yoongi’s sleeping form, now all curled up, his face soft and breathing easy, and regretted his decision of leaving immediately. But maybe, just maybe, Yoongi would appreciate him for leaving before they woke up. Maybe as the morning comes, he would sober up and realize that the night before had been a mistake, that he had just gotten things confused, that he didn’t want Hoseok like that. And that thought alone was too cruel for Hoseok to bear, so he left. What he didn’t know, couldn’t hurt him.