Work Text:
"Distant"
Ezra knew that his family was worried about him. They tried so hard to talk to him, to get close to him again. But they didn’t get it. He couldn’t get close, he couldn’t be around them too long. Because if he broke again, if the darkness took hold…He could not be responsible for hurting them. Or worse.
He had lost count of how many times he had been approached by anyone from his family. Each one of them had tried, Kanan the most. Probably because he understood it more than anyone else. He had been there the first time Ezra lost control all those years ago. But it was different this time. He had just called on the darkness then, to save Kanan. A few days ago, the darkness had consumed him. He hadn’t been in control, and that terrified him. If it overtook him again, there was way of knowing how much damage he would do…So as scared as he was, as much as he wanted Kanan’s council and comfort, he had to stay away. To keep them safe from the darkness inside of him.
It was an exhausting way to live – especially with the nightmares. But Ezra would do what he had to do to keep his family safe. Even if it meant facing his demons alone.
The plains of Atollon spread out before him as he walked. The cool night air would’ve felt good, if it didn’t remind him of the cold clutch of the dark. Rubbing his hands on his arms, Ezra continued to walk. He spent most of his time away from the camp, because then he couldn’t hurt anyone. He only visited to let them know he was okay, or as okay as he could be. And deep down he still stopped by at the edge just to feel their presence. Tonight was one such night. But this time was different.
He could hear the activity from the camp, see the lights illuminating the ships. There wasn’t much movement this late, but there was a little now and then. But as he walked past a crate, just inside the barrier, he heard a voice. Not just any voice. The voice of his daughter, Mira.
What was she doing out here so close to the boundary? Eyebrows furrowing in worry, Ezra made his way carefully towards the sound of her voice. It was quiet, he couldn’t make it out her words at first, but as he neared they became more apparent, as did the emotion in her voice.
“What did I do wrong, Tala? Why doesn’t dad like me anymore?”
The words froze Ezra in place. Mira’s voice was so sad, so confused. His little girl was heartbroken. Because of him. Remorse pressed down on Ezra, harder than he had ever felt. How could he have let this happen? Let his daughter think he didn’t care about her? When all he was trying to do was keep her safe. But she didn’t understand that. She didn’t know why he was so distant. And she was blaming herself.
A soft sob echoed through the night air. And Ezra’s heart broke. He took a step forward, then another. His chest tightened. He was endangering Mira by getting closer to her. If he lost it…But she needed him right now. She needed to know it wasn’t her fault. So he stepped around the crate and saw her sitting on the ground. Her face was buried in the fur of Tala, her loth-cat.
“Mira.” Her name slipped out of Ezra’s mouth, barely more than a whisper.
Mira’s head shot up and, Tala, surprised by the movement, jumped and squirmed out of Mira’s grasp.
“Daddy?” she whispered, fresh tears building up in her eyes.
“Oh Mira…” Ezra said quietly, then kneeled down on the ground next to her and reached out to place a hand on her shoulder. Before he could though, she threw herself at him, wrapping her small arms around him – or as far as they could go. And he hugged her tightly back.
“Daddy. I’m sorry daddy. Whatever I did, I’m so sorry. I’ll do better next time, I promise. Please just come home.” Her voice was muffled and shaky, and filled with so much sadness.
“Mira, Mira, sweetheart, look at me,” he said quietly, waiting until her multi-colored eyes glanced up at him, though most of her face was still buried in his shirt. He reached down and brushed away a strand of hair that stuck to her tear-stained cheeks. “You did nothing wrong, Mira. None of this is your fault, I promise. I love you and there is nothing that will ever change that. And I am so sorry, Mira.” Ezra pulled her closer and he felt her arms tighten around him too. “I’m so sorry, so sorry. I won’t leave you again Mira, I promise.”
"Light in the Dark"
The nightmares didn’t stop now that Ezra was back on the Starbird. In fact, they seemed to be worse. Waking up in a cold sweat, feeling scared, confused, and completely out of control was one thing. But it was a whole other thing when he was so close to his family – to the ones he was scared of hurting the most.
It helped sleeping on the couch – he couldn’t bear the thought of losing control in his sleep, of hurting Sabine. But it was still terrifying. Every time he woke up like that, he ran out of the ship. To get away from them, to keep them safe and hopefully clear his head. Every time he did, he wanted to just keep running, to live on his own again – to protect them from himself. Then he would remember Mira. Her heartbroken sobs. Blaming herself for his absence. And that stopped him in his tracks. He couldn’t leave her, not again. Not even if it terrified him beyond measure.
But some nights it was almost unbearable. Only staying awake and getting away for a few hours helped, and that took a toll on his body, slowly wearing it down. Until the breaking point.
Another nightmare, just as bad as ever, maybe even worse. They seemed to be getting worse. Sabine dead at his hand, Mira watching, tears spilling down her cheeks as she stared at him in horror. The worst part – in his dream there was no remorse, not guilt, only a terrible anger that fueled each step. He lifted his saber, ready to strike again. Then he woke - a strangled cry caught in his throat.
His hands shook. His heart pounded terrifyingly fast. His nerves were shot. The anguish in his mind overwhelmed him. Every part of him screamed: run. But his body didn’t comply.
One step and he fell. The exhaustion of the last few weeks catching up to him, weighing him down beyond movement. There was no escaping, no freedom from the fear. He couldn’t get away. Couldn’t protect his family from himself.
The pain choked him, pressed down on him from all sides until a tortured sob escaped his mouth and tears spilled down his face. He had to get away, had to protect them. But he wasn’t strong enough. He couldn’t fight his emotions, couldn’t keep it up anymore. He had failed.
Then a quiet voice broke through the pain. Through the terrified state of his mind, he couldn’t make out who it was. But he did know that if someone was there, he could hurt them. He tried to speak, tried to warn them to leave, but his voice was lost.
A hand rested gently on his shoulder and Ezra jumped slightly. No, they had to get away, had to stay away from him. He tried to squirm back, but his body didn’t comply.
“Ezra!”
The voice again, not faded like before, it was strong, authoritative. And familiar. Sabine.
“No,” Ezra choked out. She couldn’t be here, shouldn’t be here. He had to get her away, to keep her safe, but his mouth couldn’t form any more words.
“Ezra, look at me,” Sabine said, her voice still firm but a little softer than before, and he couldn’t stop himself from obeying the command. “Breathe.”
It was a simple instruction, or it should have been. Ezra knew he was breathing, but now that he focused on it, he realized how quick and tight it was. He tried to ease it – because if he did, then Sabine could go, she could be safe. If this would get her to leave then he would do it. So, he tried, even as hiccups interrupted every breath, even as his chest felt constricted.
Sabine breathed slowly as well, telling him when to inhale and when to exhale. Without her guidance, he didn’t know if he would’ve been able to do it. But after a few minutes, the tightness eased, the hiccups calmed. And he could breathe a little easier.
“There.” Sabine smiled softly at him and reached up to brush aside his hair, only to pull her hand back as he flinched at the touch. He could breathe again, but the memory of the dream was all the real, as was the reality of how much danger she was in.
“You have to go.” Ezra was relieved that he could speak again, even if his voice still felt weak, tired.
“I’m not going anywhere, Ezra,” she said, worry creasing her brow as she moved her hand from his shoulder to his hand.
“Bean, you have to, you’re in danger-”
“No.” Her voice cut over his. “I am not. And even if I was, I can take care of myself. You know I can.”
“I…I know but not from…from…this.” Ezra glanced down at his hand – which was still shaking. He would never be able to trust himself again, not after what happened.
Then Sabine’s free hand grabbed his and the shaking stopped.
“You’ve been fighting this alone for far too long, Ezra. And I can’t let you do that anymore. No one can do it all on their own. Not even you.” Her thumbs rubbed slow circles on his hands, a comforting gesture he normally used on her.
“But, if I hurt you-”
“Then I’ll smack the sith right out of you,” Sabine said, so straight faced most people might’ve missed the joke, but not Ezra, he knew her too well. “But I know you won’t Ezra, because I know you.”
Ezra closed his eyes. He didn’t want her to stay. He wanted to keep her safe, to protect her. But he was also so tired…
“Please, Ezra. I miss you. I miss us.”
The sadness in her voice broke Ezra. First Mira. Now Sabine. The people he wanted to protect where the ones he had hurt the most. Opening his eyes, he looked up at Sabine – saw the worry in her eyes. But aside from that he also saw love. Even after all he had done, she still loved him. It was a love he didn’t deserve, but maybe love wasn’t something to be earned to begin with.
“Okay.” Just one word, but it was one of the hardest words Ezra had to say. He was putting her in danger, he was allowing her to step into the mess of his life, of his mind. But despite the worry, relief also flickered to life in his chest.
“Good,” Sabine said, then reached up to brush his hair to the side – this time he didn’t flinch. “Now come on, let’s both get some sleep.”
Despite the slight relief of his mental burden, Ezra’s body was still worn out beyond reason. Sabine not only had to help him to his feet, but also had to support him all the way to their room.
It was terrifying being in the room again, lying down next to Sabine. She was so close. Right next to him – a bomb that could go off at any minute. But she was used to handling explosives. And as her arms wrapped around him and held him close, Ezra felt the smallest semblance of security, of peace. Things he hadn’t felt in ages. Things he had missed so much. Embracing them, he closed his eyes. And for the first time in what felt like forever, nightmares didn’t touch him.