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SEPTEMBER 8
If you’re reading this, don’t. Put this down and get the fuck out of my dorm.
If you’re still reading this, you’re probably hot and/or terrifying. Either way, now I have to explain myself to you. Or you’re a nosy little asshole, or your name is Pidge, but honestly, that’s kind of the same thing.
Anyway, I want to make it crystal clear that this is a journal. Not a diary. If I ever decide to keep a diary, please push me out of a window, or take the alcohol out of my hands.
Let’s get another thing straight: I really don’t want to do this.
I really, really don’t want to do this.
But Pidge is forcing me to, and I don’t wanna be on the receiving end of her wrath. Despite her miniature size, that girl is Scary with a capital S. Kind of like a vicious chihuahua.
Anyway, ever since Pidge sat down at her first psych class yesterday, she’s started micro-analyzing my behavior. According to her, I have emotional repression issues, an inferiority complex, and a bunch of other things I don’t care about or understand.
The point is, I have to keep a journal to unlock my inner self. Or something.
So if I ever try to burn this shit, kindly let me proceed with my actions.
That’d be great.
—Lance
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SEPTEMBER 9
My roommate hasn’t shown up yet. I’m getting kind of worried.
Hunk and I were supposed to room together again, but he decided to move into Shay’s apartment just off campus, since they’re actually considering getting engaged. In sophomore year??? Whatever makes them happy, I guess.
But now I’m gonna have to basically share my life with some weird guy who might not even exist!
He’s probably one of those douchey econ majors, some bratty white kid who wears boat shoes and brand name polos and gets a 1000-dollar allowance every month from his filthy-rich parents. He probably does one shot of tequila and acts completely wasted for the rest of the night.
Ugh.
Whatever, I’m gonna go check out the common room. They finally set up a Wii, and I’m really looking forward to beating Pidge’s ass at Mario Kart.
God, this is so lame.
—Lance
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SEPTEMBER 9
Roommate’s here.
He doesn’t look super douchey. He’s Korean, wearing all black clothes and really old Doc Martens, and I think blue eyeliner? His hair is sort of long, in a little ponytail at the back. Seems more like an art student.
Kind of a faint accent. Texan, maybe?
—Lance
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SEPTEMBER 9
Roommate’s name is Keith.
He keeps staring at me when he thinks I’m not looking.
Weird kid.
—Lance
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SEPTEMBER 10
That super-buff senior guy from down the hall is here. Shiro something. Part of his hair is dyed white, and he has a sweet prosthetic arm. You’d think he was intimidating, but he’s really soft-spoken and is into veganism and yoga and shit.
Apparently he and Keith are brothers??? They’re so different from each other, it’s weird. They seem really close though.
ALSO Shiro fist-bumped me when I opened the door, so. Guess I’m officially hip with the vegans.
He’s here to make sure Keith adjusts fine and everything ‘cause it’s his first year here even though he’s a sophomore. According to Hunk, he used to go to that pretentious arts university a couple towns over but got kicked out for blowing up a coffee machine???? Holy shit. Dude is either super cool or completely nuts.
As I predicted, he’s majoring in arts. Industrial arts, Shiro just said, whatever that is.
God, I would kill for some ropa vieja right now, but the only vaguely ethnic food the caf serves here is stir-fry. Way too many veggies for my taste.
Damn it.
—Lance
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SEPTEMBER 13
So Keith and I had our first real conversation today. It went like this.
Me (warm, friendly): Hey, Keith, wanna come out with us on Friday night?
Keith: Uh.
Me: It’s okay if you don’t want to. Don’t worry about it!
Keith: No. I mean, fine. I’ll come. *turns back to laptop*
Me: Okay, great.
Keith (coldly): ‘Kay. Bye.
LIKE???? What’s his deal? He’s been cool until now—kinda quiet—but Jesus. What crawled up his ass?
Whatever. If he ruins the mood on Friday I’ll get the others to ditch him. Although Shiro’s coming too so that throws a wrench in my plan…
UM SO ALLURA JUST SHOWED UP
SHE CUT HER HAIR??? OVER THE SUMMER???
She’s so hot please help
Also she just sat down next to me bye
—Lance
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SEPTEMBER 14
I don’t know what it is about Keith but I really, really don’t like him for some reason. He’s so detached? And ignores me all the time? The only times I’ve seen him smile are around Shiro. He obviously doesn’t want to be friends.
Whatever. I can deal with an asshole for a roommate.
I just wish
I just
Never mind.
—Lance
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SEPTEMBER 17
I’ve literally never been so hungover in my entire life.
Every time I move it’s like the world is fucking SPINNING. Which, I guess, it is. But this is magnified x1000000. I also took a couple Zolofts right before we went out so I feel even more like shit than usual.
Aw shit I just threw up on MY BLANKET
Gonna go die now again.
—Lance
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SEPTEMBER 17
Well, I just finished housing the biggest migraine to ever exist. I have no idea why this keeps happening—with the way I drink you think I’d be immune to this by now. God, I think I’m still a little drunk cause I swear I saw two Alluras poke their head inside my room a few minutes ago.
“Lance isn’t here,” I had groaned at her. “He died. He’s dead.”
“Do you need something? I think there’s soup in the kitchen…”
“No, ‘m just gonna keep being dead or something. Thanks, ‘llura.”
The two Allura heads withdrew. From his bed, Keith gave me the finger and burrowed deeper under his covers. That kid, I swear to God. All last night he sat in the corner of the bar and scribbled in some old notebook like the protag of an indie movie. I, on the other hand, did a ton of Jell-O shots and even got to dance with this cute girl, Nyma, who sits in front of me in English. She has these cool minty green cornrows and lots of piercings.
Anyway, after I managed to sit up, I went to the communal kitchen and dug up a can of tomato soup. Took too much effort to warm it up, so I just pulled the top off and ate it with a spoon. Keith came in a couple minutes later looking deader than usual and I felt bad for him so I offered him the rest.
There’s something weirdly intimate about sitting together on the floor of a dark kitchen, eating soup out of the can.
…….
Wow, I really am still drunk.
—Lance
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SEPTEMBER 29
I haven’t written in this for a while but honestly who gives a fuck. Classes are as boring as ever, blah blah blah, I haven’t touched alcohol since the last time we went out cause that hangover stuck with me for like three days.
Shay makes some good-ass pastries, though, and they’ve been keeping me going all week. She’s been churning out a lot of them cause she wants to open a bakery. There are these little triangles full of spinach and cheese, some kind of Greek name, and they taste like God themselves.
Weather has sucked ass lately. Hello seasonal depression, I guess. I better go pick up more meds.
—Lance
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OCTOBER 5
Shit.
So Nyma and Allura are dating now??? I really am so clueless. I definitely thought Nyma was into me. Well, whatever, water under the bridge. And romance is stupid, anyway. The last time I was in a serious relationship was 11th grade, and she broke up with me on our three-month anniversary ‘cause it turns out she had mostly just dated me as a joke. I didn’t recover for weeks afterwards. I spent all my time lying on the floor and being, like, double depressed. Still bitter about it, honestly.
Kinda wish someone was into me, though.
Ew, corny.
—Lance
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OCTOBER 14
KEITH IS A DICKFACE
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OCTOBER 14
I just got fucking locked out
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OCTOBER 14 15
So I’m lying on my stomach in the middle of the hallway writing this, literally on the verge of puking my guts out and KEITH WON’T OPEN THE DOOR
Fuck that guy
I can’t even crawl over to the common room to sleep cause there’s a bunch of seniors in there and I’ll get my ass beat if I try to take over the couch…
I mean I did just throw up on his side of the room. And make a shit ton of noise coming in. And almost knock over his laptop but it’s FUCKING COLD OUT HERE
The furnace is making creepy noises
Guess I’ll just die here
—Lance
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OCTOBER 16
Last night I hid out at Hunk and Shay’s apartment cause I was too embarrassed (and hungover) to face Keith. But they wouldn't stop bugging me about the whole thing and told me I should apologize to him???
And Pidge just busted into the room and she is YELLING in my EAR and telling me I need to say sorry or she'll put her foot up my ass. I hate my friends.
—Lance
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OCTOBER 16
So Keith is actually like really cool?
Like I went over to our dorm and found him in the common room, and after I said sorry for throwing up on his side of the room and stuff and he said sorry for locking me out all night we turned on the Wii and played Mario Kart for a while (I WON MOST OF THE RACES!!! SUCK IT PIDGE) and then we just sat on the couch and talked. And I told him about Varadero Beach, and Mom and Abuela and the little kids, and he said his aunt basically raised him by herself since his parents died when he was really young. I guess Shiro’s family offered to take him in a few years ago so he could go to this specialized high school in a different state. For learning disabilities, probably? He did say he was on the “spectrum,” and has dyscalculia, which is like dyslexia but with numbers instead of letters, I think.
He’s really involved in activism, too, which is awesome. There’s a bunch of cool patches on his backpack. They say stuff like “rise against racism” and “trans rights are human rights.” And there’s also some badges with cute little cartoons of Bigfoot and Nessie and Mothman drawn on them. I told him to watch out or I might steal them right out from under his nose, which made him laugh and I don’t know man he has a really nice laugh.
Turns out he did get kicked out of his old university, but it was only because of his final film project. He was protesting the shitty quality of the cafeteria coffee, so he lit the noxious gas seeping out of the machine and filmed it exploding. I love this kid.
He’s also gay. He told me in a regular calm voice, but his hands were shaking a lot, so he must’ve been pretty nervous. I told him not to worry about it and that like only half of the population of Altea University is straight.
He had sweet eyeliner on, kind of a glittery dark green. I couldn’t stop looking at it. Would I look as good in eyeliner?
Whatever. I’m not about to ask to borrow his. That’d be weird. Would it? I don’t know.
Anyway, midterms are coming up NEXT WEEK and I need to get blackout drunk at least twice before then to cope with the stress.
—Lance
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OCTOBER 22
MIDTERMS ARE THE DEVIL
—Lance
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OCTOBER 27
THANK YOU GOD FOR DELIVERING ME FROM MIDTERMS
I’m so glad all of mine were scheduled earlier. Now I’m kicking back in the common room, watching Hunk sweat over tomorrow’s biochem test. Poli sci sucks sometimes, but at least I don’t have to think about DNA and shit anymore.
I’ve been crashing at Hunk and Shay’s again. Not cause Keith and I fought or anything, but his graphic design project seems to be stressing him the fuck out. Poor guy is already high-strung, but now he seems like he’s gonna snap any second. So I’m giving him space. Thankfully, he’s done this afternoon, so I can return to the comfort of my Star Trek sheets tonight.
—Lance
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OCTOBER 27
KEITH WENT OUT AND BOUGHT US PIZZA!!!
When he came through the door with the box I told him I could kiss him and his eyes got all wide and he laughed in this weird nervous way. Probably post-midterm stress disorder. Happens to the best of us.
Well, it doesn’t matter. The pizza is calling my name. It’s got olives and spicy pepperoni and extra cheese on it, and not a single pineapple in sight, thank God.
—Lance
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OCTOBER 31
I’m going to Hunk and Shay’s Halloween party in a couple hours. I came up with a sick idea for a group costume, so now I get to wear a cool vest and carry around a plastic blaster and say shit like “Never tell me the odds” in Harrison Ford’s voice.
Keith is in the bathroom doing his little Padawan braid. He’s Anakin, and he didn’t want to be until I told him he acts exactly like Anakin does sometimes. He seemed happy about that, so I don’t think he’s watched Star Wars.
God, I am so ready to get drunk.
—Lance
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NOVEMBER 1
So Hunk and Shay’s party was pretty sweet. There was lots of food and alcohol and the music was good and no one puked directly on me, so that’s like an 8 in my book.
Our group costume was legit. Like, I did a great Harrison Ford impression, or at least it seemed great when I was drunk. Hunk was Luke Skywalker, and Shay was Padme Amidala, with a big geometric-looking headdress and puffy gown. Allura, who went as Leia, did her makeup, which was super colorful. Pidge was Chewbacca, which was the fucking funniest thing I’ve ever seen, no lie. She wrapped herself up in a shaggy carpet and made growling noises all evening. Nyma went as Ahsoka from the Clone Wars series, and Shiro somehow got ahold of a voice manipulator that made him sound exactly like Darth Vader.
I also did a good deed! This tiny freshman girl had way too much to drink so I took her to the bathroom and held her hair back while she threw up. Then Keith came in with his stupid little braid and too-big robes with a cup of water for her and we both cracked up at the exact same time. Which was kind of lame of us cause the girl looked so miserable, but I don’t know man. He just made me laugh for some reason.
After we made sure she was ok we went out on the little balcony with Nyma and Pidge and smoked. I still have no idea where Pidge gets her weed, but there’s a lot of it and it’s always high quality. Maybe she grows it in her room. Seems like something she’d do. After a couple minutes Nyma and Pidge went back inside and it was just me and Keith telling each other stupid jokes and acting like assholes, basically. And then he suggested shotgunning and my dumbass self was like “ok sure” so we did it??? I’m bad at it but it seems like he’s practiced a lot—art school kids, y’know—so we did that for a while. It was weird but sort of fun. His eyes kept looking around at everything and I think we accidentally kissed a couple times—well, kissing is an exaggeration, it was more like our mouths bumping together—but it wasn’t too awkward or anything. I guess.
I remember that song by Grouplove playing in the background, Tongue Tied or whatever it’s called. Like a scene straight out of some cheesy indie romance movie.
I wasn’t sober enough to remember too much that happened after that, only that there was some strip poker thing going on that Hunk won, and Shiro did karaoke with his Vader voice. And somehow I got home without passing out in the middle of campus.
Keith is lying on his bed eating cornflakes right from the box. He looks even worse than I feel.
Well, turns out someone did puke on me a little, so I need to shower ASAP.
—Lance
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NOVEMBER 7
Keith has really awesome music taste.
We were in the library studying together, and he showed me all the stuff he has on his phone. There’s stuff I would’ve expected, like The Smiths and The Clash and whatever, but also Carly Rae Jepsen?? I laughed at that, but he got all snippy and said she was amazing? Guess I better check her out.
There was also some folk singer...Soupjohn Stevens, or some name that sounds likes that. Keith has his entire discography. Seems kinda Jesusy for his style, but he said the guy was his favorite musician ever probably, and he made me listen to a couple songs. They were actually pretty sweet. Weird titles though. Something about a wasp.
—Lance
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NOVEMBER 12
So I was passing by Keith’s desk and his laptop was open to Photoshop and there was this big poster on it. For the uni’s GSA, which I didn’t even know existed. Although maybe that’s where Pidge and Allura and Nyma disappear off to every Wednesday night.
Anyway, I guess it was advertising some kind of GSA party on the 18th, so I leaned in a little closer and Keith jumped and shut his laptop really fast.
I told him not to freak out, and that his Photoshop skills were sweet, which made him relax a little. Then he asked me if I wanted to go with him to the party. He said it was just a casual gathering, food and speeches and a group discussion and stuff.
“Um,” I said (very intelligently). “I’m not gay.”
“I know,” he said, and he got all pink. “It’s for, uh, allies. Too. Anyone who wants to go is welcome. We’re supposed to bring a plus one.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah…”
“Okay,” I said, ‘cause it sounded cool and I didn’t have anything else to do, anyway. And he smiled and I felt all dizzy for a second.
He’s roped me into photocopying a bunch of the posters and putting them up in the halls, so I gotta go do that.
—Lance
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NOVEMBER 18
So the meeting was awesome.
Like, everyone was so friendly and welcoming? And it was kind of more like a party. Good snacks. Also the music was exclusively by LGBT artists, Keith said, which was really cool.
But also there was an open mic bit, and some people got up and recited speeches and poems that they wrote themselves. Some of them were funny, but most of them were more serious. A lot of people cried during that part.
Keith got up and talked!!! He made an amazing speech about overcoming something called “internalized homophobia” (I’m not totally sure what it means, but he said he’d explain it to me later), and about the intersections of being gay and disabled and a person of color, and he got sort of teary eyed during it (I did too but I kept it low-key). We gave him a standing ovation afterwards.
It was super well written. I should ask him to help me with English.
And then we got in a big circle and talked about how to make the university more accommodating to LGBT students and stuff, and then the leaders handed out little pins with pronouns and flags on them, and Keith even got a rainbow painted on his cheek. I got a badge that said Ally on it and I don’t know man, being there felt good.
When we were walking back to the dorms, Keith asked me what I thought. I told him his speech was great, and I was really happy I went, and he got all smiley. It was cute.
He’s good-looking, if I’m honest. In a pretty sort of way. I wonder if he has a boyfriend.
Although he'd probably tell me if he did. Would he?
Okay, I’m exhausted. And I still hate writing in this.
—Lance
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NOVEMBER 26
GUESS WHO JUST GOT HIS PLANE TICKET IN THE MAIL
IT’S ME
I’m flying back to Cuba for winter break, thank God. This country is too fucking cold. Me and Hunk were originally gonna stay at his parent’s house, but Isa and Mom called me a couple days ago and told me they managed to scrape enough money together!!!
I’m super happy. It’s corny, but I missed everyone so much—Mom and Isa and Nina and Adrian, and Abuela and the Estradas next door and all my friends from high school. And I miss riding my bike on the boardwalk with Lindsay and exploring the caves with Emil and Lucia and the bright blue water and the hot sun and—
If you’re reading this THOSE ARE NOT TEARDROPS OKAY I just spilled water on the page.
Anyway, I’m so excited!!!
Hunk’s still staying with his parents, though. Pidge and Matt, too—their family lives like an hour away. Shay’s flying all the way over to Greece for a family wedding on her mom’s side, and then she’s visiting her grandparents in Pakistan. Allura’s bringing Nyma home to meet her dad. Shiro’s doing some kind of wilderness survival boot camp from my nightmares out in Arizona.
I think Keith might be sticking around uni for the break?? He says he can’t afford to fly home, and he’s too embarrassed to ask Shiro’s family for financial help. Also too proud, I think.
I dunno why it’s bugging me so much that he has nowhere to go.
—Lance
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NOVEMBER 30
Pidge says I’m in denial. ABOUT WHAT???
She’s so weird. She keeps making strange faces and sighing whenever me and Keith hang out with her, which makes me think she has a crush on him, which is weird because I’m 99% sure she’s a lesbian, and 99% sure she knows he’s gay.
Pidge’s cryptic and oddly straight behaviour aside, everything is boring and horrible as usual at the uni. Everyone’s depressed as hell, and the people who are actually clinically depressed are twice as depressed. I keep forgetting to take my meds, and it’s ruining my life. I couldn’t even get out of bed this morning.
One hope spot: Allura’s inviting us out for an end-of-semester party on Saturday at her favourite bar. It’s been too long since I got majorly fucked up. I love coping in a healthy way :)
Okay, that went too deep. I don’t want Pidge to come lecture me about emotional development and the seven stages or whatever the fuck she’s studying in Bullshit Pseudoscience 101.
She read that over my shoulder.
Oh, and now she’s drawn a penis in the margins. In bright green highlighter. Thanks a bunch, Pidge.
I need to hide this so she doesn’t try to steal it.
—Lance
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DECEMBER 2
Keith is acting weird again.
I don’t know if he’s missing Shiro or something, ‘cause he and Matt went god knows where for the weekend—probably some idyllic retreat for seniors who’re way past giving a fuck about uni. But he’s all jumpy and he won’t meet my eyes. Yesterday at breakfast when I sat down at our usual table, he choked on his cereal and got up really fast and said he had to go.
I mean, what??? I thought we were cool????
Maybe he doesn’t like me as much as he thought he did.
Understandable, I guess.
Hunk says not to freak out, but I dunno. I’m worried about the poor guy.
I’m worried about what this is doing to me, too. Every time I see him now my chest starts hurting and I get all nervous and sweaty and my voice seems to stop working.
Oh my god…
What if I hate him? And I’m just suppressing my true emotions, like Pidge says?
I’m gonna be sick. I can’t handle this.
—Lance
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DECEMBER 4
Something really...strange happened last night.
So I was attempting to do the rumba with Allura, right? Me and her and Nyma and Shiro were having a dance competition, and they were killing it on the two-step. I guess Shiro’s athleticism and Nyma’s willpower combined is a force to be reckoned with. Anyway, after I shooed off the Holt siblings, who were giggling like fiends and trying to take pictures, I noticed Keith.
He was sitting at the bar (clearly not a dancer, that guy) and talking to Shay—she never drinks because she’s Muslim, but she loves to dance, so it was weird not seeing her out on the floor. I twirled Allura around a couple more times, then went over to them.
Shay seemed grateful when I arrived. We chatted for a couple minutes, but I could tell she’d rather be dancing. I signaled to her when Keith was ordering another beer, and she grinned.
“Oh no,” she said, monotone. Despite her many virtues, Shay cannot act. “That girl over there seems to be in trouble.” She pointed vaguely across the room, then vanished into the crowd.
So I took her seat, and Keith and I talked for a while even though he still looked away whenever we made eye contact. I ordered both of us martinis ‘cause we’re cool and mature. Although the martinis did end up being kind of shit.
After a while, I was tipsy enough to start talking about love and stuff. In reply, he tilted his head back and groaned.
“No, seriously, dude,” I probably said. “Anyone at Altea catch your eye? You can tell me. I’m great at keeping secrets.”
I am not great at keeping secrets.
His cheeks were flushed, but maybe it was because of the alcohol. Either way, he mumbled something, but his mouth was kinda mushed against the bar-top and the music was pretty loud so I had to lean over really close to hear. And that’s when it got weird.
“Say that again?” I asked.
He brought a hand up and did this thing—kind of brushed his fingers over my shoulder, then my jaw, then rested them on the back of my neck. And he lurched forward a little and his forehead hit the side of my chest and he looked up at me, really capital-L Looked at me for the first time in what seemed like forever.
And that’s when it got weirder.
His eyes were really wide and his mouth was a little open. He looked kind of scared, honestly, but then he lowered his eyelids and sort of tipped his chin up and relaxed into me. For some reason, I was sweating buckets. And my primitive lizard brain went, okay, this is what you’re gonna do so I stupidly followed its orders and ducked my head towards his. I couldn’t hear the music anymore, just the sound of my heart in my ears.
I guess I was doing it ‘cause I wanted to kiss him. Maybe. I dunno.
Then he yelled “Shit!” and almost toppled out of his seat and I snapped back into reality.
We didn’t really hang out for the rest of the evening. I have no idea if he was hitting on me or just drunk as fuck or what.
—Lance
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DECEMBER 6
FUCK
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DECEMBER 6
WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON
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DECEMBER 6
I’m using Allura’s dumb fucking glittery purple pen to write this cause I can’t find any of my pencils but WHO CARES I’m so mad and I’m gonna throw up I swear to god
Keith makes me so angry???? I don’t know why he just
He just—
He just walked into the room and there was still snow in his hair and his eyelashes and he was laughing and his face was all pink and his clothes were all wet and stuck to him and
I just ripped the paper SHIT
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DECEMBER 6
I just realized that I want Keith to fuck me until I can’t walk.
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DECEMBER 6
FUCK
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DECEMBER 6
Is this what like...everyone...was talking about? Do we look like a couple holy mother of fuck am I that slow? I didn’t think anything would come of our weird friendship but he just walked into the dorm and I could see his hipbones cause his sweater was riding up and I felt like I was gonna DIE
He’s so hot what the fuck how didn’t I notice this????
—Lance
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DECEMBER 7
DON’T MAKE ME CLOSE ONE MORE DOOR...I DON’T WANNA HURT ANYMORE…
STAY IN MY ARMS IF YOU DARE...OR MUST I IMAGINE YOU THERE…
DON’T WALK AWAY FROM ME!
I HAVE NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHIIIIING!!! IF I DON’T HAVE YOOOOOUUUU!!
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DECEMBER 7
Nyma just banged on the door and told me to stop blasting Whitney Houston. Fun sucker.
—Lance
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DECEMBER 7
COME ON KEITH
Please don't let him have a boyfriend
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DECEMBER 8
Every time Keith sits next to me I literally feel like my head is just gonna implode and my primitive lizard brain will just come melting out of my ears. Gross visual, but you get the point.
He has a really sharp jawline. And cool eyes, sorta greyish-purple.
I’M????
—Lance
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DECEMBER 10
I asked Pidge if I might be bisexual. She just sighed and tried to make me leave her room BUT I was smart and tied myself to her desk chair (the scarf Shay used for her Padme costume that had somehow made its way into my dorm) and begged her to help me.
“Lance, I’m not your personal therapist," she groaned.
“I know that. I just—”
“The easiest way to know if you’re bi is to ask yourself. Not the internet, not our friends, and not me. No experience in that area, sorry.”
“Oh.”
I sat there and thought for a bit. And yeah, I do like Keith. A lot. And I like girls, too, a lot. And I didn’t really think about it before, but I’ve always subconsciously checked out guys before, even when I was pretty young. I just thought it was a typical bro thing. Although in retrospect, wanting to kiss the dude who taught me how to surf is not really a bro thing.
“Yeah,” I said after about five minutes. “I’m bi.”
“Sweet.”
I untied myself and got up to leave. From her perch on the bed, Pidge said, “Hey."
I looked back She held out her fist. She was smiling more widely than I’ve seen her smile in a long time. “Proud of you.”
I love that girl. I really do.
Even if she is a pain in the ass. And makes me write in this shitty journal.
—Lance
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DECEMBER 11
I’m on the plane to Varadero right now but I just wanna say that I did it.
I was the last person to leave uni. Allura and Nyma had just driven off and Keith and I were waiting around for the airport shuttle to show up, and I just blurted it out. I told him that he was annoying and that he stresses me out all the time and he makes me wanna write songs and I did really want to kiss him properly at the bar last week. And I said that I wished he liked me instead of whatever other guy he likes and then I kind of clutched at his face and kissed him. Which was kind of a bad idea ‘cause his mouth was a little open in surprise, and his teeth caught my lip and broke the skin.
After I pulled away and wiped the blood off, he started laughing. Like, so hard. He was even tearing up a little.
He said he liked me ever since he met me, and he was too scared to make a move because he was sure I was straight. I really am that fucking slow, huh.
And then he kind of clutched at my face and kissed me and it was way nicer than the first time. I forgot what to do with my arms, so I just flung them around his neck and I swear he could hear my heart beating 'cause it was hammering so hard.
It was pretty cold, and starting to snow, and his nose was kind of running. Very unromantic. So I pulled away and asked him if he wanted to go out for dinner sometime after the break and he said yes!!! He was smiling more widely than I’ve ever seen him smile before, and I smiled back and he asked if he could kiss me again and we did until the shuttle driver honked at us, and Keith was so surprised he fell over into the snow.
I’m gonna be home in 15 minutes, but all I can really think about is him. Which is unbelievably corny, but y’know, sometimes corny is okay.
And I’m looking forward to it. Playing video games in the common room, eating pizza on the dorm floor at midnight, just sitting around in comfy silence, letting him teach me how to do eyeliner, going out with our friends, talking late into the night, showing him how to play guitar, complaining about classwork, holding hands and kissing and all that mushy stuff—with him.
With Keith.
So, if you’re still reading this, I wanna say from the bottom of my heart, fuck you. Also this would make a good rom-com. If you’re a producer, get on that ASAP.
And Pidge, I still hate you for making me write in this. I deserve to be paid for keeping this up for so long, and if not in cash, at least your dessert. Three weeks minimum.
With that, I finish my absolute last entry in this godforsaken diary.
Adios.
—Lance