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Remarkable, how he could best his enemies and command the Force with ease, yet one slip of tongue could be his undoing. That he had worked so hard for control over his gift and yet held so little control when it came to this one solitary, seemingly ordinary man.
He was in Hux's quarters, in his bed, in his arms, sated, warm. His head rested on Hux's chest, where he could feel the light beat of his heart, calm for once rather than racing. One of Hux's hands was in his hair, stroking, repetitive, soothing. The other was exploring, dancing down Kylo's cheek and neck and across his back and shoulders, so soft compared to the possessive grip he'd had on Kylo's hips barely ten minutes earlier.
They didn't speak, but occasionally Hux would hum or sigh above him. That and the steady movements of his hands let Kylo know he was still awake.
These moments were the closest to content, to happy, that they ever got, of that he was certain.
Beginning to drift off, and suspecting Hux was close to it himself, he sighed and used the Force to pull the covers over them and dim the lights. They shifted around a little until they were more comfortable, then Kylo settled back onto Hux's chest and mumbled goodnight.
"Mmm. Goodnight, darling," was Hux's slurred response, and Kylo's eyes shot open.
For several beats he nearly thought he had imagined it. But it replayed over and over in his mind, like a broken holorecord, Hux's gentle, accented voice. Darling.
No, he hadn't imagined it, but it must have been a mistake. Because surely Hux never used such endearments, and certainly no one would use such an endearment on Kylo of all people. He was brash, reckless, unruly, awkward, moody. Not darling. Never.
Hux's hands had stopped moving over him, his breathing slow and even, most likely asleep. He'd always been quick to fall asleep, a useful skill for cramming in the few hours he got in his busy schedule. Still, Kylo had to try and see if Hux would acknowledge what had just happened. He turned his head a little to kiss softly at Hux's chest a few times, pausing between each one to wait for a movement or another sleepy mumble, but Hux was still and silent. Fast asleep.
Kylo sighed and settled in, trying to calm his racing mind. It had been a long day and he did, eventually, drift asleep, the last thought on his mind that of Hux's softly spoken word.
Darling.
*
Between Kylo's missions and training and Hux's meetings and command shifts, they went over a week without seeing each other beyond quick debriefings as they walked down the corridors. Hux was impassive as ever, revealing nothing of their liaisons. If Hux even remembered what he'd said in that dark, sleepy moment, he gave no indication of it. Kylo envied him, for he thought about it constantly, and it took all of his focus not to let it distract from his duties or worse, slip into his mind during a meeting with Snoke.
He began to grow impatient for their next night together, curious to see if anything would change. Finally, one evening he had Hux to himself. The moment the door to Hux's quarters slid shut, Kylo was on him, exploring hands and eager mouth showing Hux what his pride wouldn't allow him to say aloud: I missed you. Did you miss me?
Hux responded in kind, gripping Kylo's hair fiercely and pressing against him like he wanted to be absorbed into him. It only made Kylo more excited, more hopeful, and he was quick to hoist Hux up by his thighs to press him into the wall, Hux's legs and arms wrapped around him.
With Hux still attached, Kylo managed to stumble to the bed, dipping to drop Hux onto it and laughing suddenly when he didn't let go. He only ever laughed when he was with Hux.
They began shedding clothes, kissing in between each piece tossed aside, until there was warm, bare skin to grab and kiss and caress. Hux took charge and rolled them over and Kylo let him, grinning like he'd just won a prize.
It was good, so good, but Kylo couldn't help but notice Hux was less vocal than usual. Of course he moaned and sighed and gasped, lovely sounds that fell from his lips over Kylo like petals. But he barely spoke, other than to direct Kylo where he wanted him or check that he was alright, that it was good for him. It all but killed Kylo's already faint hope that perhaps in the heat of the moment he'd be gifted with another endearment.
Soon he was lost in pleasure and the thought left his mind. After they'd cleaned up and settled in for the night, though, the familiar position curled up against Hux, arms around his narrow waist and head pillowed on his chest, reminded Kylo again of that night.
Hux was practically boneless beneath him, arms draped loosely over him. Kylo propped his chin on Hux's chest to look up at him. Hux’s eyes were closed, but the light stroking of his thumb across a scar on Kylo's shoulder blade gave away that he was still awake.
Kylo watched him, finding a strange comfort in the curve of Hux's lips and the pale gold of his lashes and the angle of his jaw. He was beautiful, and Kylo wanted to tell him so, but it caught in his throat. Instead he pulled up the covers, dimmed the lights, set his head down again and, keeping his voice as steady as he could manage, whispered goodnight.
The silence that followed pressed down on him like a too-heavy blanket, hot and scratchy against his skin. His breaths were shaky in spite of his efforts to control them.
Finally, after a moment, Hux's hand found his hair and stroked through once.
"Goodnight," he whispered in return. But that was all.
In the morning, Kylo left before Hux woke.
*
Avoiding Hux was impossible in more ways than one: they had to work together, and Kylo couldn't keep himself from him if he wanted to, he was too hooked on what they had to quit. So he didn't try, knowing it would only serve to anger Hux and he'd end up caving and returning to him anyway.
But a small part of him closed off from Hux, one he hadn't even known was there until he'd heard a soft endearment spoken late at night. The part of him that, apparently, had hoped that it was more than just a fleeting attraction or a way to let off steam. The weak, sentimental part of him who wanted to have his hair stroked and be called darling and any number of other things. Who wanted to be around Hux even when they weren’t fucking. Who wanted to be the only one allowed to see Hux stripped down to his bare self, inside and out.
He couldn't have any of that, but the aching desire for it didn't go away no matter what he did.
Eventually he convinced himself there was one of two solutions to Hux's slip that night. The first was that he had tried the word – and with it, the thought of seeing Kylo in that way – experimentally, and finding it to his disliking, did not pursue it beyond that. It felt cruel, even for Hux, but it was still better than Kylo's other theory.
Possibly Hux had said it because, in his drowsy state, he thought he was with someone else.
It was...unlikely, given Hux's busy schedule and his rank, that he would have the opportunity to find another partner. That's what Kylo kept telling himself when the thought made his blood boil. And...and they'd never said they were exclusive, not really, but Kylo thought that they were more than satisfactory for each other, that he was enough for Hux, if only for pleasure and to keep him warm at night.
Whichever it was, Kylo felt betrayed in a way he couldn't explain, and then foolish for feeling that way, and angry at himself for being so foolish. It was a vicious cycle that left him more reckless and irritable than usual.
Hux noticed. How could he not, when Kylo's number of outbursts doubled nearly overnight, and he was more wild when they fell into bed together and more sullen when they were finished. Kylo still spent the night, though he often didn't want to. He knew deep down that leaving would cut the last strand of hope he had left. He also didn't initiate touching Hux as they settled down to sleep, but Hux still ended up either wrapped around him or vice versa, like they were magnets pulled to each other by some invisible force.
But Hux noticed all the same that something had changed, and slowly the unguarded openness their intimacy had given him around Kylo began to close up like a flower at night. His touches and caresses grew fewer, his voice colder even if it never quite regained the bite it once had before they started this. And yet, neither of them could go so far as to break it off. Kylo wondered why that was, what Hux possibly saw in him worth holding onto anymore.
That, in turn, only made Kylo feel worse. Vicious cycle.
By the time his next long mission came around, Kylo was grateful for it. He needed the time to clear his head, and the battle to let off steam. He needed to spend a night somewhere other than Hux’s quarters, or in his own bed tossing and turning and wishing he was in them. He needed to decide, once and for all, whether it was worth it to keep returning to them.
Maybe Hux would even miss him, but Kylo didn’t dare hope too hard.
Kylo was gone for two weeks, venturing across a warm planet covered in dense, damp jungle split up by thin rivers like veins over its surface. He was in search of a supposedly Force-enhancing artifact located in a cave there, the problem being he didn’t know which cave, and so he traversed the jungle alone, living off of protein bars and sleeping on hard surfaces in damp, dripping crevices of rock, shaking and longing for Hux’s embrace, however cold it had grown.
By the time he found it, the days and nights there had taken their toll. He was shaky all over, dizzy when he stood, his skin had grown cold and clammy even as he felt uncomfortably overheated. His stomach felt like it was trying to turn inside out. Were he less stubborn, he might have admitted that he had probably come down with something. But even denial didn’t stop the flood of relief when he finally found the item he sought, a small cuff bracelet that hardly seemed worth the time and pains he’d taken.
He stumbled out to a clearing and pressed the button on his comlink which would alert the waiting shuttle that he was ready to be retrieved and returned to the Finalizer. No sooner had he pressed it than a wave of unpleasant heat swept through him, his vision blurred, and he collapsed into the grass.
*
He woke to the pleasant feeling of cool sheets against his heated skin. He didn’t need to open his eyes to know he was on a bed in the medbay, on the Finalizer, the hum of its engines familiar and welcoming. His mind was still fuzzy but he was coherent enough to know that meant it was over, he was home.
Why had he started thinking of this ship as home?
The answer, of course: Hux.
He exhaled slowly. Once, his chest would swell with anticipation at the thought of seeing Hux again. Now it constricted painfully. He didn’t know if Hux had been here yet to see him, or if he would at all for any other reason than a cold, professional debriefing. If he’d care about Kylo’s weakened state or simply drill him for answers before returning to the bridge.
That was when he felt something move on the bed beside him, and noticed a pressure at his side that he hadn’t noticed a moment ago. He froze, terrified for a moment. Were his senses so dulled by illness that he hadn’t sensed another presence so close?
He reached out cautiously with the Force, and it suddenly made sense. He hadn’t been alarmed by the presence because it was a familiar one: Hux.
Or, more specifically: Hux, on the bed, curled on his side with his face tucked against Kylo’s neck and one hand lightly resting on his bare chest, over his heart.
He’d been asleep but he was waking, Kylo could feel the soft brush of lashes against his neck as Hux blinked drowsily. Then, something so miraculous it made Kylo question if he was back at all, or still in a delirious half-sleep on that humid planet: lips, pressed softly against the side of his neck.
Hux sighed and shifted and began to sit up. Kylo closed his eyes quickly, hoping maybe if Hux thought he was still asleep he wouldn’t leave. To his surprise, the movement was followed by more kisses, over his jaw and cheek and forehead, down the bridge of his nose. It was too much, too wonderful, after so long without so much as a caress, and he couldn’t help it. His lip trembled and his eyes burned with tears which snuck out from behind his still closed eyelids, giving him away.
“Oh, darling,” came Hux’s hushed voice from above, and yes, Kylo must have been dreaming, because Hux didn’t call him that because it wasn’t true, never would be, he, he…
“Shh, shhh.” Cool hands wiped the tears but they wouldn’t stop. A shaky sob escaped his lips, weak, pathetic, but he was too far gone to prevent another, and another. He wanted this, he wanted it so bad, Hux’s touches and endearments, his companionship, everything, and he hated himself for wanting it so much. Even more, he hated himself for not deserving it.
Yet deserving or not, Hux’s gentle hands continued in their soothing path, stroking his cheeks and pressing a concerned palm to his warm forehead. Hux’s lips pressed against his and he had to swallow another sob.
“Come here. It’s…it’s okay.” He sounded uncertain; Kylo doubted Hux had comforted anyone in a long time, if ever. “It’s over. You’re safe. I’m here.” His arms gathered Kylo up, pulling his head to rest against Hux’s shoulder. He felt real and solid and Kylo pressed into him, feeling like Hux was the only thing keeping him from crumbling apart.
Hux continued speaking, his voice hushed and calm.
“By the time the shuttle found you, the troopers said…they said you were barely breathing, and your temperature was dangerously high. When they brought you onboard you looked…your face was so…” His arms tightened around Kylo. “It took nearly four hours to get you stable, and longer to bring the fever down. I thought…I thought I was going to lose you.” His voice cracked around the words.
“And that would be…bad?” Kylo flinched at how small, how unacceptably weak his voice sounded.
He braced himself for Hux to scoff at the question, but instead he was eerily silent for a moment. Then he gripped Kylo’s face where it was tucked and moved him back so that they were eye to eye. Hux’s hair was a mess, his cheeks more gaunt than usual, his eyes bloodshot. He looked as bad as Kylo felt; he was the most beautiful thing Kylo had ever seen.
“Of course it would be – how could you say – “
For a moment Hux seemed about to unleash one of his tirades. Then he faltered, swallowed, still cupping Kylo’s face firmly between his hands.
“What happened between us?” He finally said, his gaze darting away from Kylo’s questioning one. “It was going so well. I thought? Was I wrong? I know I’m not the best…best partner, I suppose, but I’ve thought about it every day for weeks and I still can’t for the life of me figure out where I went wrong…”
Kylo searched his face, and his feelings through the Force. Suddenly an understanding, deep and comforting, washed over him. He could have cried, were he not so overjoyed, so relieved.
“It wasn’t you,” he said, voice soft. Now he was the one offering reassurance. “Or, it was both of us. I’m not good at…this…either. There was something I wanted. I should have just asked for it.”
“And what was that?”
Kylo paused, unsure how to phrase it without sounding horribly cliché. Hux was still holding his face; Kylo dipped in close to prod his jaw with his nose and, when Hux tilted his head up, kissed his neck again and again.
“More of this,” Kylo whispered against his thrumming pulse. For extra measure, he wrapped an arm around Hux. “And…”
“…and?”
“That thing…the thing you called me…”
“The thing I…oh.” Kylo felt the movement against his cheek as Hux swallowed. “I’m sorry for that. I promised myself I wouldn’t do it again.”
“But why?”
“The moment I said it, you went so stiff. You didn’t reply. I assumed it made you uncomfortable, which was never my intention.”
Kylo almost laughed. For two of the most powerful men in the galaxy they could be so, so incredibly stupid.
He rolled them over so that Hux was on his back, Kylo’s head pillowed on his chest. The sudden movement made him dizzy again, but it was worth it the moment Hux’s fingers sunk into his hair.
“I liked it,” Kylo said, feeling a weight lift from him at finally being able to admit it. “I was just surprised. I was hoping you would say it again, and when you didn’t…”
“When I didn’t, you thought I must not have meant it,” Hux finished, his own epiphany clear in the tone of his voice. He began stroking through Kylo’s hair, chuckling breathily.
“What a pair we are.”
Kylo closed his eyes and hummed in agreement, smiling.
They were quiet for a while. Kylo listened to the steady beating of Hux’s heart and relished the feeling of Hux’s hands on him. All his weariness from the past weeks caught up with him at once, his limbs heavy and his mind going blissfully silent. As he began to drift back into sleep, he felt something draped across his shoulders. Something heavy and soft and warm which smelled like Hux.
“Get some rest, darling. I’ll be here when you wake up.”
And Kylo believed him.