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"I can't believe you just did that!" Dean yelled as soon as they entered the bunker, anger spreading through his blood as he threw away his stuff on the floor.
"You could've died Cas!, what the hell is wrong with you?" Dean said as he turned to face Cas, he didn't want to look straight in his eyes, he knows if he does that the anger would slip away, but he needed to show in some way that Cas messed up and that there have to be consequences for it, even if it is just him yelling at the angel.
"I'm sorry" Cas simply said, looking at the floor
"I'm sorry?? that's all you have to say for yourself?" spewed Dean
"You're just sorry? For what? For doing something so incredibly stupid? Or actually being stupid enough to think that you could pull a MacGyver and call it a day?"
"Dean" - Sam said giving him a look, begging him to stop.
"What?, No Sam don't puppy-eye me, he's the one so willing to die that thinks he can pull a stunt without repercussions"
"Dean, man it worked... give him a rest." Sam just wanted to give Cas a break, but he understood why Dean is so upset.
"Oh... it worked! So that's it... ya' know what go ahead, plan some more stupid things so he can put his skin under the knife again!"
"Dean, let me explain, please" Cas finally dare to say but Dean just waved him off and walked right past him, leaving Cas with his explanation choking in his throat.
Sam, looked concerned at Cas, "Are you ok?"
"Yes, I am fine; I just don't feel comfortable when Dean is this upset with me, and it seems lately that's the only thing I manage to do; if it worked then why is Dean so upset? It was practical" Cas said to Sam as if he could answer more than Dean himself.
"Yes, practical but it really was dangerous man, he's just... he's worried, one day you're gone, nobody knows where you are, the next you're here and it kinda looks like you're always finding a way to almost getting killed in every hunt you tag along; he's afraid that one day you won't come back, or that ..." Sam hesitated to say this...
"Or what?" said Cas.
"Or that one day he's gonna watch you die... for good now"
Cas was taken aback, and it’s hard to process this information "What do you mean? I've died before, and by luck or whatever reason I came back, I've died more times than any angel I reckon has"
"Yes, you have Cas, but is hasn't been easy, it never gets easy to see someone you care about die, the first time or the 100th time, there's a fear that grows inside... what if you don't come back? what if this one is actually "enough" and we never see you again?" Sam's voice turns to an almost whisper saying this to Cas, he remembered how many times he lost Dean when Gabriel put him on a loop; he knows this fear.
"But why would Dean get so troubled by me dying? At least I die protecting you as I've always promised, that's my main concern."
"Cas, man; that's something you have to ask Dean; but I assure you... you're not just any angel to him."
"What do you mean, Sam?"
"I'm sorry but you'll have to check that with him," Sam said with a hinted smile, that made Cas think he actually knew more but wasn't willing to say it.
Cas was feeling terrible, but at the same time, he wanted to set things right with Dean, even if going to his room would mean that he snaps at him and starts yelling at him again.
He stood there, in front of Dean's room, hesitantly knocked only to not get an answer. After a moment he opened the door and Dean was just laying on his bed, earphones on, eyes closed and humming.
A warm feeling spread through Cas' chest, he looked different, and couldn't help to stare at him; something made Dean shift his train of thought as he nearly jumped off the bed at the sight of Cas at the foot of his bed.
"Jeez Cas, don't you knock?" Dean said, trying to get ahold of himself and not look so shocked.
"I did, I'm sorry but you didn't answer," Cas said, not knowing if he should approach or simply go.
"Yeah, its... it's ok; look man... I'm sorry maybe I yelled too much but I just don't know ok" Dean said as if the words were struggling to come out of his mouth in a normal sentence.
"I understand what I did might seem reckless, but I assure you I thought it through; it was practical, necessary even; and it worked" Cas tried to sound apologetic, but it came out totally wrong, Dean felt as if he was trying to baby-talk him.
"I'm not stupid, Cas... It might have looked practical to you but putting you at such risk is stupid, yeah it worked but what if you actually got hit? You're an angel but you've died in the past, it just doesn't matter to you anymore? why are you so willing to put yourself between the bullet and the target?"
Dean stood up while talking, he didn't seem angry, but more frustrated than anything.
"It’s not that I don't wanna live, Dean... is just... your safety is all that matters, honestly." Cas looked at Dean, deeply as if his sight was a pleading of understanding; Cas was finally feeling again that warm sensation in his chest, and he understood now, it came from Dean.
"Are you ok Dean?"
"No, Castiel... I'm not ok" Dean said in a dark, gritty voice, and Castiel was taken aback because of it.
"What's wrong? Dean... tell me"
"How the hell do you want me to feel when you tell me that you're willingly killing yourself as long as we're safe? To sacrifice yourself for us?... for me? Why the hell do you think I'm worth the life of an angel of the Lord, YOUR life" Dean was choking back tears, he wanted to punch something and Cas could see that.
As he approached Dean, grabbing his shoulder and pulling him close so he could really see into Dean's eyes and listen to him "Why on earth won’t you think more of yourself? Why you're always thinking you're not worth saving, Dean Winchester; you've seen all the good you've done, all that could've happened if you didn't exist and you're still so hard headed that you don't believe in yourself? You're worth saving, you're worth sacrificing me over... you're so worth it Dean, believe it."
Dean couldn't help it but he needed this closeness, and Cas could feel it too. His eyes were locked on each other's and there was nothing that could stop Dean from falling into his deeply bright, blue, angel eyes.
"Dean, I can feel it too," Cas said in a whispering voice...
Dean woke up from his stupor "What are you talking about?"
"I've been feeling this, this warmness in my chest, it's been awhile since I started feeling it but, I think I finally understand what it is, now I can see where it comes from."
"Wh-what?" Dean asked hesitantly "What are you talk-"
His mouth suddenly got to a stop, when a pair of lips collided into his own. Castiel's lips were on his lips... Cas was kissing him, a soft, warm kiss and his heart stopped.
"I'm sorry I, I couldn't resist anymore," Cas said almost instantly and Dean could only stare at him.
"Why did you do that? Is this a joke?" Dean asked. It came out as an angry plead but he was so afraid that Cas might not feel the same way even when the angel was the one who kissed him first.
"What? no... Dean; I feel your longing, I couldn't understand it until now, right now what you're feeling, I feel it too..."
"Don't you dare to change the subject Cas, tell me then how do you want me to feel if you're willing to die because of me?"
Dean grabbed Cas by his shoulders, demanding an answer.
"I already told you, Dean... your safety is all that matters to me. "
The angel spoke with a soft voice, as if trying to bring him back from his high angry self but only managed to get Dean to let go of him.
"I don't want you dead because of me, I- I want... "
"What do you want Dean... what am I to you then if not sacrificable for a greater good? For you?" Cas was lost, he was whispering into Dean's ear now, now that he finally understood what all this meant he couldn't - he wouldn't- let go of it.
"I want you, I- I need... you" Dean finally said... he couldn't resist Cas now that he's so willingly resting against Dean's chest.
"I love you, Dean... I've always had... but I couldn't intrude if you didn't.."
With a strong push Dean was suddenly against the wall with Cas kissing his neck.
"I- I love you too, Cas" and he let himself get lost in the angel's deep kiss.